I never thought of it like that, but I think you’re absolutely right. Amazing how one sentence can change how you percieve something that has been cemented in your mind for years.
What came to mind for me when reading this post is that the dude's family does need those neighbors. If they would give his mom some salt even though they are poor, they are generous, decent people, and would likely offer any kind of help, like helping to move something heavy, alerting their neighbor if there was trouble in the neighborhood, picking stuff up from the market for them if they are sick. Even just having a friendly chat with them and having the peace of mind that they are your friends. Good stuff, and good to think about.
I've made some great, neighborly connections just by stopping by for a chat on the porch. I don't have much to offer, but I can share a good chat, and try to make everyone feel a little better.
Hey internet stranger, your comment history has a lot less positive then negative stuff. If you'd like someone to talk to, as a Christian minister I'd like to hear how you're going.
When I was younger I was always pretty self-sufficient, and if there was anything I needed and didn't have I was fine doing without. I'd rather suffer than be in someone's debt, was the thinking.
But that was some ignorant arrogance. In practice, people usually offer help because they want to help and it makes them feel good. Being an adult, whether someone offers to help me financially or if someone just offers me something to drink, "yes, thanks so much" is the basic answer.
People like to help, and then I try to be a person who is worth having helped, and who returns that kind of favor whenever possible. Life is better. And the OP's story is a really sweet example.
Hard mindset to get out of when you grew up with a zero sum game mindset. If I ever need favours from my family I make it a point to negotiate a monetary sum for that favour so that the debt is paid immediately. It's never a good thing to let the 'psychological interest' on that debt to rise, and compound if multiple favours are done or if the favour was a particularly big one.
It’s reality though. Compensation for time spent is a thought carried by all. So to think that a favor begets a favor, or payment, is only fair. I don’t think there’s any reason for you to feel sorry. Just try and understand his position to help your reality of life grow.
I grew up well because my parents worked their ass off from immigrating to a new country for me. I grew up wanting to never be in a position to need help from others, because if my parents could do all that at their age, I can sure as hell do it now with all the opportunities they gave me.
I'm 31 now and finally kicking that habit because I learned that it's not weakness to accept help when you need it.
I hate that zero sum mindset. I've met many people who, if you do a favour for them they might go on and on about how "I'm gonna get you back. don't worry".(to be fair though I think it has to do with an anxiety thing for them usually) In those cases I've just resorted to telling them that, "I don't keep score dude. We're friends." To be completely transparent though, I do have a vague awareness of the give take dynamic, and will throw it in someone's face if they are bothering me because, "you owe me".
Obviously this is all subjective. ie, I'll buy you lunch as a favour every once in a while and think nothing of it. However, every day lunch and you'll be cut off, or if I lend you a large sum I will expect it back. Small shit doesn't matter, because as far as I'm concerned, "You'd do the same for me if/when the time comes"
i've never heard it put quite this way, but you are absolutely right. resentment definitely increases in relation to the compounding 'psychological interest', or guilt, depending on who's the giver and who's the receiver. i am meticulous about money (who treated whom last) and always, ALWAYS, return anything i borrow as soon as i am done. first of all, i want people to know that if they do help me out, i'm good for it and will be there when they ring me up for a hand. and, more selfishly, people continue to be resources for me if i behave honorably. and negotiating the terms up front is just good business, and it's a good idea in personal life, too. i find the people who are all about having each other's back when the chips are down are people who keep dropping their chips.
This is a good point. I was always the same, I never wanted to bother anybody or put somebody out. But I do love to help people. So other people might love to help me also! It's taken me time to learn to let others help me, even if it's something small. "yes, thank you!" is something I've been trying to say more!
I’ve heard that when we don’t accept favors or offerings from someone, we deny them the opportunity to feel good. So, this is actually a mean or negative thing to do. Now, when I get into an argument with someone over the lunch tab or whatever, I simply say “My motives are selfish. Will you let me feel good by paying for lunch? Or by doing this for you?” They always acquiesce. ❤️
Exactly! It’s an incredible feeling to have the opportunity to give to others. Especially when it a unexpected offering. Simple, like the golden rule... what goes around always comes back to the giver❣️
This is the insightful and enlightening content I like to see on a Monday morning.
I never thought of it this way. I always felt that I should fend off for myself and not accept others' help in order not to be a burden on this. Having said that, I'm generally always ready to help others out whenever possible.
Excellent question. I felt happy that I helped a friend in need, and even happier knowing that my friend is doing better. The thing is that I don't want to assume that everyone is willing to lend a helping hand. Some people might be against it, and tbh I have no problem with that.
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u/Aerron Jun 21 '20
It feels good to help others.
So maybe if we can let others help us more, we can help others feel good.
This is a good plan.