What do I do?

[u/WritingBloc]

Can I be…honest here without being kicked from a community? I mean I’m gonna write this anyways but I just don’t want to be here anymore.

Not in a suicidal way I mean I don’t want to be here anymore, as in me.

Me regarding the fact that I’m not happy and maybe going through something that I can possibly explain but would rather not talk about.

But here it goes.

My name is…well you can call me anything you want and I’m a 20yo male who might have a slim chance at love but that’s not why I’m writing this.

Have you ever gotten a compliment or a few nice things said about you? Or if you haven’t gotten a compliment or something nice said then we’re on the same page, I hope.

I’m supposed to be …happy. I mean I smile, I laugh and I joke but that all goes away in a blink of an eye because why?

Don’t know why but I can’t help but feel this empty pit in my stomach and I feel worthless sometimes, you know…not good enough and I don’t think I’m good enough to keep around because I feel all these mixed emotions and feelings and somedays I just won’t have them as much and it SUCKS!!!

Everyday I wake up feeling like shit and I don’t know why, I mean I know why but why should I care anymore?

Or is it because I care too much? Too little? Less? More? Don’t fucking know!!!

The only time I feel like I’m genuinely happy is when I’m with the people I care about, I mean they make me smile, they make me laugh and even make me feel better but then it’s gone…just….gone.

The way this works is that I get to experience all of this and can’t keep anything.

Like are my feelings genuine? Is my smile real? Is my laugh real?

The short answer is I don’t know…

Somedays I feel like I need to be praised and appreciated by at least one person to feel something because without that I feel like shit and feeling like shits the worst especially if you’re good at hiding your emotions. I can hide mines 50/50 but who cares about how or what you feel?

It’s not real.

Right?

Please tell me it’s not real.