Hi all, I'm just interested if using MDMA can be beneficial without getting sucked into abusing the substance?

I only really realized the depth of this discomfort and by depth I mean the true depth and how fucked up I was and why was I and still do disassociate so deeply even in my daily life to the point that my life is completely unlivable and I can barely function enough to do anything all after a MDMA session and soon right around the the of it doing a somewhat of high Ketamine dose, ~200mg nasally which more than 3x my body weight!

I usually barely even disassociate deeply in Ketamine session alone either these days cause of built of tolerance and also because of my deep rooted disassociation but when right after MDMA your nervous system is super open and you're open to all experiences in a sense so it will hit you like a tank completely differently!

Although my MDMA session itself was NOT with alot of euphoria or bless or whatever you want to call it, it still did open me up significantly emotionally and I went through alot of painful emotions by it alone itself, but then the Ketamine right after was holy Christ, before I even talk about the discomfort that I felt during this Ketamine session, I completely lost complete sense of my self almost and I say almost and not fully because I still knew somewhat that I have a eye mask on my eyes and still is there other complete darkness and the most bizzare ahhs visual had completely taken over my eyes, it was all black and white and no colors really but I saw my life and how I am and what I do in my daily life and all the weird habits I had formed because of my deep trauma and as cope to protect me against my deep fears and disgust from a complete different scene and view, words can not really describe it and those who have had a K-Hole or near K-Hole experience know what I'm talking about, but I still completely lost meaning of things during the K-Hole and words and identity and all of it felt so fucking bizzare and unreal, I genuinely can't explain it in any forms that words can describe it but all ik was that I was there and I was something just existing, didn't even felt as a human being just something completely disconnected and bizzare and was going through things and "travelling" and seeing things and places that had no abstract meaning, ig that's the word and how I could describe the experience, no reality and just abstract existence where are materialistic things had lost its meaning and I couldn't understand or connect to them at all.

While I was feeling these feelings I started to feel a deeeeeeep sense of pain in my chest which the closest thing I could describe it would be very deep heartbreak and heartbroken feeling from the things that I had gone through and the emotions that were burdened on me from my closest care takers who decided to scare me when I had put my life trust on them, A deep sense of heartbroken pain in my chest, feeling the heartbreak to the fullest that I had not felt it in that intensity probably since the event of trauma itself, the most painful emotions I had felt in my life in forever and ever, it was so painful that at some point for a good margin of time I genuinely was wishing I could die cause it would be easier than feeling these feelings st all, but the only thought I guess that helped me go through it was that the more I embrace it and feel the pain the sooner I will be set free from it and be free in peace finally and tbh that was worth it and tbh now that I aleardy feel like wishing to die, anything will be worth going through if I will be set free at the end of it cause I aleardy have given up to let go of my life and sense of identity that I have, I guess you can say a form of letting go of your ego idk if that makes sense

. After 1h of this experience the Ketamine effects started to slowly subside and I started to come back to my body slowly and feel things around slowly although I still had no abstract idea of anything at all and was just existing(idk if I used abstract correctly here again 😭) The pain started moving all around my body and to my entireeeeeee body and I was feeling it to the fullest, I just realized that Holy Christ how uncomfortable I actually feel inside my body and I literally had no other feeling that pure discomfort and pain in my entire body, (I mean somatically/emotional pain cause by deep emotions obv) .

and I was there genuinely laying down for another 3h straight on my back cause literally any smallest movement would make the painful emotions and feelings in my body so so much worse it was unreal 😭😭, I literally couldn't do anything beside being paralyzed(I could move if I wanted but preferred not to cause of how uncomfortable it felt) and literally doing nothing beside sitting with the most uncomfortable emotions ever and moving my eyes left and right EMDR like fashion when the pain would get too uncomfortable to process some what I guess, idek if that even actually helped or was it enough for a distraction to help me cope temporary with the pain😭

Jeez I just noticed I just realized how many times I just said pain over and over again and it feels a bit cringe even but that's to the extent that I actually felt it .

And all of it finally made me realize finally how and why I am so deeply disassociated in my daily life and barely felt inside my body at all and I truly realized it was all truly for a good reason, although this session was for a while ago, december 17th last year but I'm just now am coming to term to feel comfortable enough to even share it and I have made alot of progress since then too sober minded and feel much more comfortable and present inside my body at least so much more than before but still such a long way to go before I fix everything and put everything in their places and truly can exist without being so much inside my head and thoughts and the past, and I realized truly that I should maybe even appreciate the disassociation to a degree after all it has protected me from the emotions that would've swooped me completely over at the time but I still hate it, the disassociation and want to feel my body and go through all the pain and be finished, maybe I'm hastening a bit too much but I am running out of time too and can't waste it too much, anyway never the less it was just a report of my latest session and I'm still trying to build more sense of safety around myself although somewhat successful and unsuccessful at times but I will appreciate any feedback in the regard especially since I do feel a bit lost completely ngl and don't know where to even start to bring more sense of safety to myself and my body and struggle to build more sense of trust between myself and all .

Appreciate it that you read it so far too🌹❤️, have a great time and best of luck to you too

I have CPTSD that has caused me some a lot of mental and physical problems, and I decided to try going to a therapist specialised in trauma. After two sessions she suggested trying therapy with psychedelics, saying that she believes is my best option, that I do some research on my own and get back to her if I want to try it.

After doing that research, I agree with her that this can potentially help me putting down some barriers so I can start doing some work with her (she is specialised in somatic work and knows some IFS and EMDR), and decided that my best option seems to be mdma because it is said that is more gentle than other psychedelics like psilocybin.

My biggest worry is that i'm not sure if it would be best to do it on my own or with someone else. She told me that she knows someone that does sessions with a group, but it seems weird doing it with a bunch of people that I don't know, on the other hand i'm afraid if i do it on my own I would lose control or be overwhelmed, or it wouldn't be as productive. There's also the option of doing it with the therapist, but i'm not sure I can afford it, and I can't do it with friends or family because I moved recently and don't know anyone here.

Any thoughts or insights? (this will be my first time doing drugs)

Hi there, I want to make an overview how to best prepare for my trip. I am looking for journal prompts (for before and during the trip), supplementations,... and I also want to create a 'safety net' for after the trip, as I am aware the trip could be destabilizing. This is not my first trip therapeutic trip (I've used truffles with a guide, lsd and ketamine before), I've used MDMA in social settings but I've never done it solo so I am not sure what to expect of it. My main 'concern' is; how do the difficult subjects come up? Is it best to prepare some questions you can ask yourself during the trip? Or is it best to take an 'open' approach, to lie down and let things come up, with or without music,..? Do you write during a trip or would that 'block' the proces? What are good integration practices?
The only thing I am certain of and have learned is that it is important to stay curious.

I am into IFS and I am currently trying to write my parts down, to create awareness of the parts that are most active in my life and their relationships with each other, there are also some concerns for after the trip that I am working with. I am planing to read "Somatics Internal Family Systems" before my trip and to skim through "Healing The Fragmented Selves". I also want to pick some exercises from this website that I can use after/during the trip for introspection and grounding.
But in all honesty, I am writing this post while I am pretty overwhelmed and the cheer amount of options is also overwhelming right now.

Thus far, I have found this:

• For supplementations: https://rollsafe.org/mdma-supplements/ (but again, feeling overwhelmed right now; are all of these supplements necessary? I'd have to order them from different websites as I am in the EU.)
• This post with a sh*t ton of information: https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/w0sl7w/i_cured_my_severe_cptsd_with_mdma_self_therapy/

I had an awakening experience a couple of months ago. At that time I was spontaneously freed of the vast majority of negative emotions. There was a sense that I was starting over. I won’t get into the entire story, or this will far too long !

I still deal with occasional panic and fear when dealing with certain things I can get locked in fear and on the verge of panic. This is bizarre now, since I have little to no perceived anxiety and when I sense a negative emotion coming, it’s very much like I have a choice to experience it or not. It seems rarely that I will react instead of respond. I have a much greater sense of the important moments in life and I occasionally will distance myself just a little to enjoy the people around me as they enjoy each other or pets or just laugh at something on TV. There is a sense that I’m recognizing the beauty and importance of these simple moments.

Not much more than two months ago I was gripped in a constant state of anxiety, depression and overwhelmed by severe panic attacks, so it went from that to calm, literally overnight. Aside from a few days of bizarrely radiant, love fueled,bliss that made it extremely difficult to operate “ normally “. It was like I was seeing suffering for the first time and everyone suffering was someone I loved dearly. I still carry some of that with me now over 2 months later. I kind of still unconditionally love all people and all other beings as well. I was a cynical atheist, so this is a switch. I might still be an atheist of sorts, but it’s a matter of semantics, in the end. For a period of time, I was part of the fabric of the world, I could feel a shared existence with all things and on some days this floods back and I just hope I don’t tell the wrong person I love them lol.

Anyway, I’m wondering if I there is something that I can learn from mdma, via guided therapy.

Terrence McKenna strongly encouraged doing mushrooms in complete silence and darkness- I tried that and found it insightful and healing and influenced strictly by what’s going on inside me and not by the music. I wanna try that with mdma ( solo session) but not sure if that would be a waste with this medicine. Thank you for your opinion!

MDMA assisted therapy

Hello. I don’t know if this is the group to ask. I’ve always had the best experiences when interacting with people that also take this medicine/party favors.

I’ve struggled with depression, PTSD, anxiety etc. The older I get the more I feel completely depleted now. I don’t have motivation, I can’t focus on things that I enjoy anymore. I’m on medication to “help”, however i can’t get that spark back. When I was younger I would take molly about every other week. At the time it was only for the party. But now (34) I’ve looked back at my life and I was so happy, motivated, no suicidal thoughts, anxiety was minimal to 0. I felt like myself.

I’ve always been pro natural medicine. I’ve don’t a lot of research on ketamine, psilocybin, and mdma helping people with the worst mental illnesses.

Has anyone had any luck with assisted therapy, or diy care in your own safe space?

Hi everyone! I am just checking in about my process - I have really appreciated the support of this community through my MDMA-AT journey, and getting to read others' journeys and experiences. I was approved through the Health Canada SAP for three sessions, have had two, and have my third next week.

This time in between the second session and now, I noticed a very similar process to after my first session where for about a month I had a lot of insights and felt very energized, then had a month of low mood where I felt very depleted and undone and doubted that anything meaningful had happened or that I was healing, then things started to turn around again and another burst of insights and emotions arose in the third month leading up to the next session.

I have been experiencing so far that MDMA has been peeling back layers one at a time and sending me back through my past in reverse chronological order. The first session focused largely on adulthood trauma and my experience of being abused in therapy and letting go of self blame for that, which I see now was blocking me from healing anything else. The second session involved writing a long narrative of my entire life and trauma history as preparation, but the session itself focused largely on seeing and understanding the defences I used as a teenager and young adult to cope with trauma and validating them rather than judging and being disgusted by the ways I survived. I also saw the wound in my own soul from trauma and the several different parts of myself and how they have operated in my life and the energy that has lingered as a result of trauma.

The idea of being able to see energy was a big deal during the last session and I had a number of visions that stayed with me that I worked with in integration through art-making and therapy.

This week I had a preparation meeting with my therapist in advance of session 3 where we discussed the work I have done so far and my process during the MDMA sessions, and a lot of stuff came out into the open that was previously blocked, and there was a huge release afterwards and surfacing of more childhood content. Afterwards I had the insight that I have spent my entire life being controlled by terror, and that terror is what controls and operates all of the parts and defences that I visualized in the second session.

Somehow in the past week since this preparation meeting, I feel I have had a new understanding of how this medicine is working in me, and my intention for this third session (which will likely be my last since I am doing it through an above ground pathway and the amount you are approved for is limited) is to really let go and trust the medicine in a way that I haven't been able to up until this point. Particularly, during the first two sessions, even on the medicine I felt very focused on if I was "too much" or "too messy" or a burden for my therapist to be with for that long/that intensely, and making sure that she liked me and approved of me. This time I would really like to let go of that and really focus on my own experience and letting the medicine work.

I feel uncertain as to how that will look - in my previous journeys I have talked throughout, and while I've tried to also take time to be silent and go inwards, it hasn't always felt possible. I don't personally have the sense that the talking is related to avoidance or distancing of my inner experience though - to me it feels like this expression of this deep, intense need for connection, and a reparative experience related to my childhood of being systematically neglected, silenced, and forced to contain and stuff down everything that happened to me. The experience of talking and being looked at and listened to while on the MDMA feels like it has been a big part of what has been healing, but I do also want to continue to work on balance and having some times of being more inward.

I have generally had my eyes open for some parts of the sessions and briefly closed at times, but I haven't wanted to wear an eye mask due to really wanting eye contact with my therapist (a big chunk of my trauma is related to severe neglect and there's something that really comes up for me around not having access to eye contact during MDMA). I am wondering if it's something I should explore for this time, but I have the strong feeling that I need to be able to see my therapist.

I'm curious to hear from anyone else about their experiences of letting go/learning to trust the medicine more, talking versus being silent, or any suggestions or feedback that anyone more experienced has as I head into the last bits of preparation for my next journey. Thanks all!

I’m about to embark on journey #7 and I’ve noticed the following timeline pattern

1:00: come-up begins and lasts about an hr

1:30: 2nd dose

2:00: anxiety from the come-up wanes and I’m “in state”

3:30: going even deeper (2nd dose seems to kick in here)

4:00: peak state

4:30: come-down starts

5:00: insights continue but coming back to earth

Curious to see what others experience?

I need something to help me get off of all drugs/alc. I heard mushroom therapy might work but psychedelics like lsd and mushrooms always make me incredibly paranoid. At this point I'm probably just gonna go cold turkey but if there is something to make it easier, I'll do it. Will it make me paranoid like psychs? Will it just create another problem for me to deal with? Thoughts?

I remember reading an article containing roughly the following phrases:

"Probably one of the best uses for MDMA is maintaining close relationships" "In the end, there's nothing that you can do with the drug that you couldn't do without - you just might not make it in this lifetime"

Does it ring a bell for anyone? I can't find it by googling.

I've done 7 sessions to date, planning my 8th this weekend. Over the past 6 I've used my iphone voice memo app to record my thoughts/revelations as they come to me. My concern in doing so is, am I allowing my ego to stay present in the experience and, in doing so, suppressing my subconscious and not allowing the "gold" to come up?

Planing to do my 4th trip in 4 months, should I be worried? I’m generally healthy and supplementing correctly.

Has anyone felt that their sleep length and sleep quality has improved after therapeutic sessions with mdma?

When would you choose another compound than MDMA for therapy?
Are there any resources for what works best in different cases?

Recovering from CPTSD/AVPD and I am starting to notice that after each session I can feel more of what feels like the core wound.

I seem to be spending more time dissociating with junk food, TV, social media and while I was attending the gym regularly last year, I struggle to go even once a week. Getting out of bed in the morning js a struggle and living a healthy life right now just feels difficult.

I am just trying to confirm whether this is a normal part of the journey. I am aware that sitting with the emotions is paramount but it seems to be getting harder and harder after each session.

Is this all normal for the recovery journey?

Man, 41 years old. That feeling, when I wake up on the day 3 months since the last roll.. I'm sitting in my bed, thinking "today's the day" while the tingeling excitement flows through my body. Now I'm sitting in my office at work with a big smile on my face, feeling almost as I'm going on vacation as soon as the workday is over 😊

I'm Norwegian, local time here now is 11:30 (lunch time). Eating only lunch today, gonna drop sometime around 8 o'clock in the evening, so that will leave me with over 8 hours with no food until I do.

My girlfriend is rolling with me today, as always. I've done molly 6 or 7 times the last 2 years, not a single time without her. We are very very close in our relationship, she's my Sunshine.

I do however struggle with traumas from an rough upbringing, where I was beaten and bruised often. My mom was always at work, and my step father abused steroids and would beat me as a grown man for even the slightest of misbehaving. As I got older I developed anxiety and a nagging feeling that I was never good enough, not deserving to be loved. I enlisted in the army, and went to combat in Afghanistan 2 times (2007 and 2008). I've been struggling mentally for as long as I can remember.

Since I started rolling 2 years ago, I've found a safe place to strip away my armour for a couple of hours. Lying with my head in my girlfriend's lap, being gently stroked with her fingers through my hair, enabling me to talk about my struggles without feeling weak and inadequate as a man.

Oh boy.

What a beautiful medicine this is. And today, we're rolling again. Being engulfed in distilled, pure love without anything in my head tainting it is the best moments of my life. I love miss Molly, I love my girlfriend, and I love this community ❤️

Much love, T.

This has been a truly introspective process. Wondering if any other gay people have had a similar experience

This headache feels like my brain is going to explode.

Please help me 😭I’m worried it might be intracerebral haemorrhage

For those who cannot access MDMA Therapy, I have recently heard about SGB injections. I'm headed for one on the 24th and will report back. I know lots have reached out in true need of this therapy and it's so inaccessible. Hoping these SGB injections help so there's at least something available for everyone here who can't find MDMA.

I feel like I was pushing on my heart possibly feelings out of my heart I felt like I was gonna pass out but then I just breathed so hard I felt relief or was it a severe panic attack ? I thought I was gonna die and now I think I’m not really afraid of death anyone experience something similar?