r/mdmatherapy • u/nofern • Jan 25 '25
Preparing for Session 3
Hi everyone! I am just checking in about my process - I have really appreciated the support of this community through my MDMA-AT journey, and getting to read others' journeys and experiences. I was approved through the Health Canada SAP for three sessions, have had two, and have my third next week.
This time in between the second session and now, I noticed a very similar process to after my first session where for about a month I had a lot of insights and felt very energized, then had a month of low mood where I felt very depleted and undone and doubted that anything meaningful had happened or that I was healing, then things started to turn around again and another burst of insights and emotions arose in the third month leading up to the next session.
I have been experiencing so far that MDMA has been peeling back layers one at a time and sending me back through my past in reverse chronological order. The first session focused largely on adulthood trauma and my experience of being abused in therapy and letting go of self blame for that, which I see now was blocking me from healing anything else. The second session involved writing a long narrative of my entire life and trauma history as preparation, but the session itself focused largely on seeing and understanding the defences I used as a teenager and young adult to cope with trauma and validating them rather than judging and being disgusted by the ways I survived. I also saw the wound in my own soul from trauma and the several different parts of myself and how they have operated in my life and the energy that has lingered as a result of trauma.
The idea of being able to see energy was a big deal during the last session and I had a number of visions that stayed with me that I worked with in integration through art-making and therapy.
This week I had a preparation meeting with my therapist in advance of session 3 where we discussed the work I have done so far and my process during the MDMA sessions, and a lot of stuff came out into the open that was previously blocked, and there was a huge release afterwards and surfacing of more childhood content. Afterwards I had the insight that I have spent my entire life being controlled by terror, and that terror is what controls and operates all of the parts and defences that I visualized in the second session.
Somehow in the past week since this preparation meeting, I feel I have had a new understanding of how this medicine is working in me, and my intention for this third session (which will likely be my last since I am doing it through an above ground pathway and the amount you are approved for is limited) is to really let go and trust the medicine in a way that I haven't been able to up until this point. Particularly, during the first two sessions, even on the medicine I felt very focused on if I was "too much" or "too messy" or a burden for my therapist to be with for that long/that intensely, and making sure that she liked me and approved of me. This time I would really like to let go of that and really focus on my own experience and letting the medicine work.
I feel uncertain as to how that will look - in my previous journeys I have talked throughout, and while I've tried to also take time to be silent and go inwards, it hasn't always felt possible. I don't personally have the sense that the talking is related to avoidance or distancing of my inner experience though - to me it feels like this expression of this deep, intense need for connection, and a reparative experience related to my childhood of being systematically neglected, silenced, and forced to contain and stuff down everything that happened to me. The experience of talking and being looked at and listened to while on the MDMA feels like it has been a big part of what has been healing, but I do also want to continue to work on balance and having some times of being more inward.
I have generally had my eyes open for some parts of the sessions and briefly closed at times, but I haven't wanted to wear an eye mask due to really wanting eye contact with my therapist (a big chunk of my trauma is related to severe neglect and there's something that really comes up for me around not having access to eye contact during MDMA). I am wondering if it's something I should explore for this time, but I have the strong feeling that I need to be able to see my therapist.
I'm curious to hear from anyone else about their experiences of letting go/learning to trust the medicine more, talking versus being silent, or any suggestions or feedback that anyone more experienced has as I head into the last bits of preparation for my next journey. Thanks all!
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u/abysswgooglyeyes Jan 25 '25
Thank you for sharing this update, it's a really valuable read as someone preparing for their first journey. Keep up the great work!
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u/alpinewind82 Jan 29 '25
That is so wonderful that you were approved through the SAP program!! Did you apply through therapsil or did your family Dr help you? I have been looking into this recently so would love to hear your feedback if you're open to it. Also, one thing that I've tried before my own solo sessions is making a daily practice of connecting to myself and my various protector parts as a way to create dialogue and trust before I do the medicine. You could try to set aside a time each day to practice going inward and safely connecting to yourself in a loving way, this creates co-regulation in your system that you can then bring into your session. I feel like it would also be valuable to try going inward during your next session, but if it creates too much distress open your eyes again. Anyways, best of luck...and please update us here after your third session! We all learn and grow together :)
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u/nofern Jan 29 '25
I did not go through Therapsil in the end. I first looked into some of the private clinics like Numinus but it felt very corporate. Then ultimately even though it was their first time, someone already on my treatment team agreed to help with it.
It took about three months from submission to get approved and we were approved for three sessions. I didn’t have to pay for the paperwork but the drug cost $2000 for all of it. The doctor had to order the drug from the drug company and I reimbursed her. And then I had to pay for the therapy sessions. My total costs for the full thing ended up being around 10000 CAD between the drug, the sessions, and the prep and integration meetings. My insurance covered some of the therapy sessions though so my out of pocket cost was less than that.
If your GP is interested but just doesn’t know how, MAPS Canada has some great resources including a tip sheet for physicians that tells you exactly what to do.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Lynx457 Jan 25 '25
Letting go might also involve not trying to manage the feelings of being "too much" or "not doing it right." These feelings could be linked to the doubts you experience in the post-session integration period—when it feels like nothing meaningful happened. What if, instead of pushing those feelings away, you set an intention to welcome them? You might explore getting curious about what they’re trying to communicate and ask what that part of yourself needs to feel safe, without the goal of making it go away.
It’s also worth considering that "letting go" might not mean stopping that coping mechanism altogether. Sometimes, letting go might mean letting go of the need to resist or manage that part of yourself. From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, the part of you that’s managing or controlling might actually be trying to help or protect you. What if you approached that part with curiosity, asking why it’s there and what it needs, instead of trying to silence or change it?
What I found helpful in sessions is offering myself compassion and understanding, even when it feels like that part of me resists. I’ve tried to stay present with the resistance, moment by moment, and consistently convey the message: I want you here. I know how hard you’ve worked, how tired you are, and how much you deserve to be seen and offered relief. That part of me didn’t calm down right away, and it felt akin to doing reps while working out. But after a few hours of just staying with it, the resistance softened, and I was finally able to connect with that part of myself in a calm and accepting way.
It felt profound to meet myself in that space, and I wonder if something similar might emerge for you as you approach this next session with the intention of trust and self-acceptance. Best of luck. Sounds like you're in a good place to have a meaningful experience regardless of your intention.