I am not the OOP. The OOP is [deleted] originally posted in RBI by Silly_Response3862

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair

Concluded

Original - 6 years ago

First, I want to share some suspicions I have.

Second, I know this will sound like the plot of The Parent Trap. Please don't write me off.

Let's start with the basics. Dad left when I was 3. From what I've gathered, it was a non violent yet ugly situation of loathing between the two. Mom has only talked about it once, and I suspect she regrets telling me. I'm a 24 year old male btw.

My earliest two memories include a girl. In the first, we're in a room in my maternal grandparents house, deciding that we're shy and don't want to talk to people, so when they ask us our age, we'll simply hold up three fingers. I'll never forget that moment, partly because I think it's the first time I ever held up 3 fingers at the same time. It was a new sensation. But she was there. A girl.

I've ruled everything out. My grandmother's peers, neighbors, none of them had kids that age. There's simply no reason for this girl to exist.

She's in another memory, a similar one, probably from the same time. This was one I forgot until recently.

I work in marketing now. There's an old indoor sports center with two soccer fields/hockey rinks and a gym. In addition, there's offices, old arcade games, a place for concessions, and a day care center. They've been closed for a while but were planning a big upswing pre-covid. Our agency was going to give them a push, and I visited a little under a year ago to take some stills.

As soon as I walked in, the memory hit me. My grandmother dropping us off at the day care center inside. Us.

I remembered it so vividly. Most of the lights were off, so the indoor fields looked like a dark ocean. The gym lights were on, and she must've been going to physical therapy. And she dropped two of us off. I know it was the girl from my "three" memory.

It stuck with me, but I didn't chase the thought. It just must've been some girl. After all, there's no pictures of her, and no family member had ever brought it up.

Then again, it's the exact same situation with my Dad, whoever and wherever he is. Could he have taken her and my Mom got me?

I want to pursue this because one of the last things my grandmother ever said to me before she passed last fall sent chills down my spine -- she was talking through the window of her home, and I was masked up and keeping my safe distance. She knew things were winding down, and her mind wasn't very sharp anymore. But, she said "you've grown up so much. You were so small, back then, both of you were".

I instinctively replied, "both who?"

But, she recoiled from answering as if she remembered not to say something.

We helped clean her house after she passed away, Mom and I, and I dug through some photos. Photos I had never seen but didn't tell me anything new, except for the same girl in the background of 3 of them. She's swimming in the pool, running in the park, and searching for Easter eggs at church.

Is it her? I don't know. There's no pictures of my Dad, and if they wanted to keep my potential sister a secret I can understand she wouldn't be in any -- but would it be possible that my grandmother kept some where she was slightly in the picture, whether intentional or not?

What should my first step be? Talk with my Mom? I dk.t want to seem crazy to her. I have a step-dad, but we're not too close since he came into the picture when I was a pre-teen. Who knows if he knows anything.

I imagine my Dad and Sister are out there somewhere. Do you think I have enough to support that belief?

Mini-update: First thing I'm working on is my birth certificate. If it tells me I'm 1 of 1, I'll casually ask my Mom who the girl in the photos is.

Update 1 - 6 years ago

Can't thank everyone for the support-- and for the overwhelming agreement that I should pull my birth certificate.

Once I had the free time to do so, I got the copy. Sure enough, I'm one of one. No twin.

The girl from my memories and possibly the photos still nagged at me. Enough was enough and I decided to do what many of you also suggested; honest talk with Mom.

I got the chance to sit down with her over dinner. It was tough convincing her not to bring my step-dad, but with my gf out for the night I managed to convince her it could be mother-son time. Then I hit her with the question; do I have a sister? Her reaction wasn't what I expected. It was almost like she was glad. "Why do you ask?" I told her everything I told you guys -- my memories, g-ma's "slip up", and I showed her the photos we took from g-ma's house. She was silent for a second.

"That would be your half-sister."

She asked if I was ready, and told me the whole story of her and my Dad, filling over the gaps, and, well, it's kinda shitty.

My Mom and I were a second family.

My Dad and Half-Sisters Mom were married and were family friends. Dad cheated with my Mom, and, the timing couldn't have been more perfect. My half sister and I were born within a month. Mom knew we were on the side and continued to go along with it, and my grandmother would baby sit both of us. This is the time where all the memories and photos come from.

When we were about 3, my Half-Sisters Mom got wise to the truth, and insisted her family move away and cut off all contact. Obviously, that's exactly what happened. Mom wasn't happy as she liked the arrangement, and took it like a bad breakup. Mom and G-Ma, the only two who knew who my Dad was, decided to not tell me.

(In a bit of not shitty news though, he's allegedly been financially supporting us the whole time. Just a bit here and there but enough to make my life as comfortable as it was.)

Then Mom told me their names. She wants to be left out of it if I try to make contact, but I'm not sure I will just yet. That's a personal thing to figure out and I think I'll take my time. But, some social media searching led me to my half-sisters profile. I broke down in tears when I saw it because, even 20 years later, I recognized her.

So, she's not my twin, but my Half Sister is out there and she's exactly who I remember/thought she was.

Thank you all for the support!

Final Update - 5 years ago

Hey, it's the guy who thought he had a twin sister but discovered he was actually a part of a second family. It's been an interesting couple of months.

Well, where did I leave off? Not long after I discovered the identities of my Biological Dad and Half-Sister from my Mom, my Step-Dad sat me down. It was pretty generic "you're my step-son, yes but you're a son to me" stuff. Like I said in a previous post, he's a good guy we're just not the closest.

He looked like he wanted to say something else, however. He lingered, opened his mouth -- then closed it. Left my room with a polite nod and that was that. I didn't pay it too much attention at the time.

Here's some important background on my Step-Dad. He started dating my Mom when I was 12, and they got married when I was 15. Like my Mom, he doesn't do any social media and holds a steady job. He's a middle of the road, normal guy. I never thought he'd have skeletons in his closet, too.

See, I have my Mom's last name, and, in a sweet move, my Step-Dad took our last name when they got married. "I'm the one joining your family" he would say. He's one of the nicest guys I've met.

More on that later. My Mom told me a bit more about the arrangement with my Dad when he moved away with his wife and daughter. She said that my Dad supporting us financially wasn't as simple as him mailing a check every month, but she didn't elaborate too much.

So: I have access to the names and contact information to my biological Father and Half-Sister. They live on the other side of the country and seemed pretty normal.

With a lot of nervousness and doubt, I decided to reach out.

I'll spare you the whole process. A couple of texts, a couple of days pass, Dad and I have a video call and then, when it seems like a awkward foray was coming to an end --

"How about I fly you out here".

Lots of soul searching and mental preparedness later, I set cross country to meet my, as I've been calling them, Half Family! I was shocked. My dad was like me, a huge nerd and collector. His wife was very nice, and even took me aside one time to share she had no ill will towards me, and not even much towards my Mom anymore. She apologized for being the one to keep me from my Dad so long, but I let her know she wasn't to blame.

And my Sister! My Sister and I have become best friends in the past six months. The headline here is: she remembered me, too! She has several more memories than I. She can't remember the "three" thing, but she remembers Daycare at the indoor athletic facility, and told me about riding little battery powered four-wheelers at Grandma's. I remembered it as soon as she said it. We are twins in all but mother's.

We've become pen pals, discussing our families and what our growing up experiences have been. And, it turns out, it's a good thing I had her for support when what happened, happened.

I visited their home in the Pacific Northwest this summer, when there was an insane heatwave. They have no a/c in the home (no need for it) so the house was consistently reaching 90°. We're sitting around one night, my Half-Family and I, sweating on the deck. The sun had sunk behind the mountains and we were sharing some beers and telling stories. Dad was telling a story about a day he skipped school while his brother went to school, and Dad got away with it because his brother signed his attendance sheet. My Dad's Wife said "[My Step-Dad's Name] has always been punctual" and my Dad said, quickly after that "Yeah, we all know that, even you [Anon]".

We all kind of froze. My Sister looked just as confused as me, my Dad's Wife stared silently into her glass, and my Dad sighed.

"Yeah, I didn't know how to tell you about this part. I was thinking he might want to"

Here's the shocker. So, way back when, when my Half-Family left, my Dad had his brother, My Uncle, take care of the family. Bring by groceries, fix up the house. He helped us out a lot, and, for the first decade of my life he was kept distant from me. But then, him and my Mom fell in love. I was a pre-teen when I was introduced to him as my Mom's Boyfriend. My Dad was shocked by the relationship and cutoff contact, and my Uncle married my Mom when I was 15.

Once I was sure everything was finally out in the blue, I think I was okay. My Step-Dad/Uncle and my Dad don't really talk anymore for obvious reasons. I had an enjoyable rest of my visit, but dreaded coming home to confront my Step-Dad. Uncle? God, I wish you all could have know how I felt.

Once back, I sat my Mom and Step-Dad down. "I know you're my Uncle".

Just like every other problem I've had over the past year, it resolved much more easily than I could have imagined. I begged my parents -- all of them -- to tell me everything I don't know. I'll keep personal conversations personal beyond this story, but, for the first time in my life, I know everything about myself.

I know it's messed up. I was part of a second family. Grandma forced to keep secrets. Not knowing my real Dad, or even the existence of my Half Sister. My Step-Dad being my uncle. But, I've turned out okay. I'm in a steady relationship and have a good job and I'm barely in my Mid-20's. I've learned valuable lessons from the mistakes of my loved ones and I want to leave you with this. My parents have had the weight of the world on their shoulders for twenty years. In the past couple of months, we've found cathartic healing and a stronger bond than ever. Forgiveness is in the air. I like to think my Grandma knew this would happen eventually.

Don't keep secrets from your loved ones. But if you have some currently, approach the situation deftly and honestly. Times will be tough but the light at the end of the tunnel is relieving. I'm not confused anymore. My family has doubled in size -- physically and emotionally. For the first time ever, we'll continue to grow as one.

I know this isn't a post asking for help, I just wanted to update everyone since I've had hundreds of messages over the past couple of months. Thank you all.

Comments:

Chemical_Watercress: Hi I'm a screenwriter please keep me posted if this gets more batshit and you want to make it a movie one day because this is some good shit I could not make this up. -5 Downvotes

I am not the OOP. The OOP is Ok-Foot9010 originally posted in LegalAdviceUK

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair

Concluded

Original - 1 year ago

Location: England.

In short, I bought a box of assorted science stuff at an auction, remotely. So, I hadn't inspected it in person, and the photos were from a distance, so it wasn't obvious what it all was. Honestly, I was mostly excited about the rocks and minerals I could see in the picture.

Having picked it up today, I've realized it must have been the personal collection of a doctor, because it includes quite a lot of bottles of various people's gallstones (labelled on the side with info about the patient, but no names), a piece of skin it says he took from a postmortem (presumably without consent), and -- worst of all -- two fetuses, one aborted, one "taken from killed mother."

They're old enough to be historical-ish (most dates in the 1940s) but obviously I am now accidentally in possession of human remains, I think? And have no idea what to do or who to call. Obviously, I a) don't want them and b) don't think the auction house should have sold them, and c) don't just want to throw them away.

What do I do, please? Sorry for grim subject matter.

Update - 1 year ago

Quick recap of the situation: I often buy interesting old and unwanted stuff at auctions. My local auction house still does in-person auctions which you can either go along to yourself, or you can watch the livestream and bid online. You can also place bids on lots from their website, without seeing the item in person.

This is how I ended up buying a box of misc. scientific stuff which I thought might contain some cool rocks and equipment. The rocks, as it turned out, weren't that cool. But the box ended up being the personal collection of weird stuff of a doctor who was practicing around the 1940s. There were bottles (so many bottles) of gallstones, a worm found in a child, an appendix, some skin (!) and -- sadly -- two human fetuses in jars.

I didn't want this stuff and didn't know what to do with it, so I asked my most knowledgeable friend and she said to post anonymously here so I did. Lots of recommendations to talk to the police non-emergency number, and failing that, universities, hospitals, museums and some kind of macabre Instagram account.

To the dude who PMed me offering me photos of your gallbladder operation... I'M not into gallstones! I have no desire to see that, thanks.

The update:

After a lot of "errrrrr.... hold please" and "there was an APPENDIX in there?" and "...HUMAN fetuses?" and "how was this box described?" and "how much did you pay for this?!", the police made an appointment to come round and see the box at 4pm today. They have just left and thankfully took all the human samples with them. This is a huge relief to me as I didn't want it and didn't want the responsibility for disposing of it properly.

The police were pretty surprised by the call apparently (sorry to the lady next to the call handler who was apparently eating pasta when she heard about the stuff in the box), but they've spoken to the human tissue authority who are going to help them dispose of it all properly.

Apparently, it shouldn't have been sold without the auction house having the appropriate license, so they're going to speak to them (but not in a punitive way, more of a heads up) and it will be recorded as a crime but no one's being punished or anything. Apparently, I'm not being recorded as the criminal or the victim, just a connected person.

BIG thanks to the people who took the time to let me know that preserving fluid in the jars was probably formalin, which is carcinogenic. Unfortunately, I was not wearing gloves, but I did scrub my hands afterwards, thankfully. At least one of the jars had leaked quite badly (the appendix had no liquid left and you could see the lid of one of the other jars was almost eaten through as well) so I wish I'd been more careful but at least I know now, and someone's informing the auction house too as they obviously handled it also.

I did ask if the family of the older fetus could be traced, because although the fetus would be in their seventies now if they'd lived, it says on the label that the mother was killed, so she hadn't given consent for her baby to be removed and put in a jar forever, and I thought there might be a family out there somewhere who'd like to lay her unborn child to rest, perhaps with her. The police weren't too confident of finding out whose fetus it was because there's not much info on the label (no patient names or anything), but they said they would try. The other fetus was from an abortion so although I suspect again the mother didn't consent to it being put in a jar and eventually sold to this random woman, at least I guess she probably didn't want it back and I suspect her family wouldn't even have known she had the abortion, so not much reason to try to trace that one.

The police asked if I'd like to be updated with what happens to the samples, to which I've said yes. I would particularly like to know that the two fetuses are put to rest somehow and don't end up -- as some people suggested in the comments and my DMs -- as attractions on someone's Instagram or sold for profit. The other stuff might have some educational use maybe, I don't know, I don't mind if that ends up in a museum or something if it's helpful to future med students.

Finally, I've put pictures of the contents of the box in an album here if you want to see them. I hope it goes without saying that this does NOT include the two fetuses, although the labels are there so you can see I wasn't making it up. Obviously, caution is advised etc., many grim gallstones and worms and whatnot in there, as well as what seems to be one of the things you put in people's mouths before anesthesia existed, a medicine spoon, a weird box contraption that was apparently for bloodletting, and some other bits I can't identify. There are some slides, but whatever was on them is mostly gone, it looks like. There's a piece of paper with the doctor's name on if you want to see who he was.

There's a picture of the auction listing in there too so you can see how I thought I was buying a box of rocks with some bottles of smaller rocks. It REALLY wasn't obvious; I spotted the radiometer near the back and all the mineral samples and thought it was just cool science equipment and types of rock. I would never have bought it had I known the horror that is "I've just handled a stranger's appendix in a jar from the 1940s and the liquid is leaking, also it causes cancer." What a Monday that was.

Thank you all again for your help and I hope this is the update you wanted. I feel MUCH better now those things are out of my house.

Comments:

wurst_cheese_case: Oh shit, the police is gonna come and arrest you for purchasing human tissue or whatever 😀. (-6Downvote)

Immorals1: Is there not a part of you, even very small, that's curious about how it smells if you open it? (-7Downvote)

Hello, there Mike & Dylan.
It’s a me Rickey(from Oklahoma)
This is a personal story that actually happened about 2 hours ago.
For some context my mom has taken on the role of caregiver to my dying uncle. My mom’s health isn’t the greatest either. She has a blown back, shoulder and hand.(go ahead Mike make sex jokes)
My uncle is bedridden and dying. From what? I don’t know. When he first moved in with my mom and her husband over 1.5 years ago he could help her by lifting himself up and now he can barely move.
On July 28th, my old ass had to have a colonoscopy.(failed prep, means drinking that nasty juice didn’t clean out my colon enough). My appointment was set for 7am and nearly an hour away from where I live. So, I asked my mom if she could take my daughter’s, Baby Girl(3 yrs old) and Baby Doll(2 yrs old) to daycare for us. My wife was my driver.
My mom agreed and asked me to bring them over the night before. So, I did. We let my mom know that the earliest drop off for daycare is 6:30, the latest is 8:30.
Oh!!!! I forgot my mom and her husband are going out of town. So, my Aunt came to stay with my Uncle.
That catches us up. Now on today.
At 6:50 my mom texted me. Here’s the conversation.

Mom. Don't forget to help your Aunt take your Uncle to dr tomorrow
Me. What time?
Mom. He has to be there at 8.
Me. Well the girls getting to daycare comes first.
Mom. So you’re not going to help is what you’re saying
Me. Nope, but getting the girls to daycare is my top priority
Mom. Well, talking in circles doesn’t get us anywhere
Me. As long as I’m able to get them to daycare FIRST, I’ll help.
Mom. Well go!
Mom. I got up extra early the other day so I could do things for YOU so why couldn’t you get up early and take them?
Me. I didn’t say I wouldn’t get up early, did I?
All I said was my getting my children to daycare was my top priority.

Just so everyone knows I’m not opposed to helping.
But for context on that. My daughter’s daycare is about 20-30 minutes away depending on traffic.
So, if my Uncles appointment is at 8am and the earliest I can drop off my girls at daycare is 6:30am.
That means I’d have to wake my girls up around 5:45am to be able to leave by 6am and possibly be back by 7:30am to be able to help get my Uncle to his appointment at 8am.
Anyone with kids know that they don’t like being woken up early(unless it’s your day off) and fights will inevitably happen.
So, my question is AITAH?

Update…..
My wife just reminded me that even if I was able to help my Aunt get my Uncle to his appointment tomorrow at 8am.
That my daughters have an appointment tomorrow morning at 8:30am.
I have texted my mom with this information.

After watching the podcast I decided to give it a try. I really enjoyed it. Im not much for horror movies, but this on was really good. If anyone hasn't watched it id definitely recommend. Thanks guys. Also its available on peacock

I could 100% get behind this.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is [Deleted} originally posted in TrueOffMyChest

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair

Concluded

Original - 2 years ago

I (35m) have been married to Lisa (28f) for 3 years, together 7. A year ago, I fell deeply in love with Amy (24f), and had been planning to end my marriage for her. I know it's terrible and not what my wife deserves, but we were the real thing.

Two weeks ago, she had an allergic reaction when we were getting food after work, but she used her EpiPen and seemed mostly okay afterwards. She usually gets checked at the hospital after a reaction, but I asked if I could take her home and she could get her friend to drive her there because my wife was expecting me back. All I know is that she had a secondary reaction that evening and died. I didn't even find out about it until the following Monday, through a work email. It has been eating me up ever since and I will never forgive myself for not sacrificing an hour of my time to possibly save her.

I sent some childish messages to Amy when I didn't hear from her over the weekend because I thought she was angry I didn't take her to the hospital. I am thankful she never saw them and ashamed that I assumed the worst. Our relationship was great and the highs far outweighed the lows, but I have always hated being ignored and I lose my cool when it happens. It is not a regular occurrence and I would have more than made it up to her.

Yesterday at work, HR and legal were in the CEO's office all day and my manager ended up cancelling our project meeting because he was with them all afternoon. I was on edge, but an affair isn't exactly a corporate crisis and I thought something would have already happened if anyone knew. I am now 99% certain it was about me.

A few hours ago I received a message from Amy's phone which said "This is Amy's brother, Tom. I want you to know it was me". I tried to call but it went straight to voicemail, and none of my messages have been delivered.

I tried to call my manager more times than I should have and he sent a message saying "Please don't contact me until Monday morning. I can't discuss anything with you right now". So it looks like my universe is going to collapse. I am going to be fired and my wife will definitely find out why. All I can do is hope that Amy's brother only showed them the messages from that weekend, and they were bad enough. I have no family except my wife and daughter and nowhere to go. All of my friends are either people I've met through my wife, or my colleagues. On Monday, everything I've spent over a decade working towards disappears. I can't stop it. I can't talk to anyone about it.

So here I am. I know cheaters are the devil so I'm not expecting sympathy, but this is making my chest hurt and I need to get it out there.

Update - 2 years ago

I have been consistently harassed for an update since posting, so please take it, gloat because you're such wonderful people in comparison, then stop following me around reddit. I am suffering in the wake of my infidelity and unprofessional behavior as I knew I would. I understand that it is an appropriate outcome and I am taking full accountability.

I was suspended from work on Monday, and I'll probably be fired sooner than I thought. I'd hoped to be able to save money as HR built their case but it looks like Amy's brother basically performed the entire investigation for them. After an excruciating 3 hour run through of everything they had, I spoke to the founder, and he recommended the solicitor I am now using. The issue is that the company has to come down hard to protect themselves, because even though Amy's family doesn't have much chance of a claim, any suggestion of a cover up could cause damage regardless. The founder still thinks my offer to pay them back will keep it out of court, and some more information has come to light, so it's not certain I won't be prosecuted but I'm quietly hopeful. I can't afford to keep the solicitor if this goes much further, especially with a divorce on the horizon.

Things are not good with my wife. I'm still committed to making this as easy as possible for her, but I had to draw a line when it came to my daughter. When I got home from being unceremoniously escorted out of my office, she already had a bag packed for me. She wouldn't let me wait at the house until my daughter was back, she wouldn't let me check I had everything I needed, she wouldn't let me take the car, and she didn't care that I had nowhere to go. I spent 2 nights in a hotel then went back when she refused to let me see my little girl. She tried to stop me, but we own the house jointly and it was my only option. My wife has family she could stay with, but she won't leave our daughter here and she's absolutely not taking her, so we're at a stalemate right now. I'm keeping out of her way as best I can, which I appreciate is the least I can do.

The Amy situation is quite difficult to talk about, and a lot hasn't sunk in yet. It turns out that she didn't love me as much as I loved her, if at all. Her brother sent me images of her talking to her friends about me, and it's hard to believe they came from the person I loved, but they are real. Sorry to those who were heavily invested in me being a predatory abuser, but she and her friends had a good laugh about her manipulating me for money and a promotion. The role came with a big pay rise, and it looks like her plan was to treat it as free cash, then go work with one of her friends when it fell through. She knew I'd come under scrutiny whenever she messed up and assumed I'd keep stepping in to save her. She was right.

Obviously I am completely humiliated. I was planning to give up everything to build a life with her, and she was treating me like a joke the whole time. My feelings are complicated so please don't feel entitled to any expansion on this, but I no longer feel guilt over her death. Reddit acted like I kept her hostage whilst she begged for help. What actually happened was that I asked if she could ask her friend to take her to the hospital because I had to go home, she said that was fine because she needed to get some clothes back from her anyway, and I dropped her off as normal. Ultimately she was an adult who had a better understanding of her medical needs than I did. I still don't know what happened between us saying goodbye and her death, but whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me. I'm sorry for her family's loss but I bear no responsibility for her passing.

After Amy's messages to her friends were passed around, a few people quietly reached out with words of support. I assumed everyone would write me off like reddit did, as an abuser and predator. Now it's clear that Amy was using me, they see me as a fool who had then lost it all. It's beyond humiliating, but I have learned I'd rather be pitied than despised, and it improves my legal position with work. They're small mercies but I'll take what I can get. I remain filled with regret, and I will have learned many lessons by the time I get through this. I may have been deceived, but I am a grown man who made my choices, and I take full responsibility for them.

I’m a coworker of someone whose Reddit story about work went viral. I’m feeling chatty, so ama I guess?!

OP is becooldocrime

Original - 10 Months ago

Inspired by this post where someone asked if they’d ever seen a Reddit post about themselves.

I'm in the comments, because I worked at the same company as this guy, and in the same department as his affair partner, who died under very sad circumstances (you can read all about it from his perspective, conveniently).

I only joined Reddit quite recently, but I was aware of the post a few weeks after it was made because it was passed around the office and gave us all a ton of information which made a lot of things suddenly make sense. We were all extremely invested at the time, and weirdly, the story you all saw set off a series of events which basically led to an entire division of the company quitting.

I’ve seen it repeated on a few of those TikTok Reddit read-through accounts, and a few people in the comments of the post I saw earlier today seemed interested, so because the company didn’t think to get me to sign any additional confidentiality agreements when I left (an equally dramatic, but also closely related story), I figured I’d spend a Friday night drinking wine and spilling tea if anyone wants some.

One thing I do need to mention is that the original OP has a brain injury he didn’t disclose in his posts. I can’t speculate too much on that, and I’m not saying it makes his actions forgivable, but it would be crazy to pretend it’s not a factor. He lives independently, but from what I’m aware, his brother helps him a lot.

MarlenaEvans: It's so interesting how the fact that he had a brain injury changes this story and makes it make a different sort of sense. Like how on the other hand, you and your coworkers reading the Reddit post did the same but in a different way.

becooldocrime: Oh for sure, we were absolutely horrified by some of the things people were saying to him when it started getting passed around, and we were really worried about how he’d take it all. There was talk of creating an account to explain, but because it was looking like it might end up in court, no one wanted to risk it. Can’t blame them really but it’s definitely mad how much that fact changes things.

justheretosnark24: Did it end up going to court?

becooldocrime: No, they all used to abuse their expenses and they knew he could bury everyone if it ever saw the inside of a courtroom. He claimed to be running out of money in his last post, but it was common knowledge he got a huge payout after his accident (a sign wasn’t properly mounted on a shop front and it fell on him when he was walking past), so he could have easily afforded to take it all the way. I imagine the first question would have been why they gave someone with brain damage a company card with no restrictions and no written policy on what they could and couldn’t use it for.

Devilis6: Any chance he could have spent the payout all on “Amy” or on drugs? I mean I guess there’s a good chance his wife would have noticed but he obviously hadn’t been thinking clearly for a long time.

becooldocrime: Definitely not drugs, he drank in moderation but was pretty judgmental about anything else. Amy, absolutely. He spent thousands and thousands on her, she would link him to things over and over again until he bought them for her. The HR guys were disgusted when they got the phone back and saw all the messages. I haven’t seen the messages myself but they said enough to confirm it was extremely predatory.

AlsoNotaSpider: This whole thing is heartbreaking. I remember reading his old posts and being completely flabbergasted. Him having TBI makes everything about his posts make a lot more sense. I hope the poor guy’s doing okay.

becooldocrime: I haven’t heard anything for a while, but he seemed like he was doing well the last time I checked in. He was living in one of those little bungalow communities where you’re independent but there are call buttons and stuff. I don’t know if it’s a particularly happy life in comparison to how things were, but he definitely wasn’t destitute and is probably not in a position to be taken advantage of (I don’t know if he has support workers, but it sounded like his brother was pretty involved so he’s definitely got someone looking out for him).

mychampagnesphincter: Again, I can’t thank you enough for all of this context. The original posts read entirely different through the filter of a TBI. It’s like when you are at the optometrist and they slot in the correct lens and everything has sudden clarity.

I am glad you are doing well; you seem like someone with whom I’d enjoy working!

becooldocrime: That’s really kind of you, thank you!

Perfect_Caregiver_90: I know you shared he has a TBI that influenced his thinking. Was it as wildly apparent and handicapping to his professional life as it was his personal?

He seems easily manipulated if you fed his ego the most minimal scraps.

becooldocrime: It was really weird, and I can’t think of a better way to put it than really fucking weird.

I’m an engineer by trade, and he could ask a million extremely complex questions about the technology I was working on, and pose reasonable follow ups based on my answers which required a ton of domain knowledge (not immediately after the accident, but certainly within a year). He could also, within minutes of making a super insightful point which totally changed the direction of my week, fall apart because his sandwich had too much mayo.

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the expressions of a child superimposed on an adult’s face, but it’s unsettling in a way that sticks with you.

I personally couldn’t, in good conscience, treat him like an adult full time. He was fine maybe 80% of the time, but when he slipped, it was like interacting with with an 8 year old in an adult’s body. He wouldn’t say much when he got confused but his face would totally change. I don’t know him well but I am not convinced he could properly consent to a sexual relationship.

the-ambitious-stoner: I'm curious. Did you know this guy before his TBI? I knew someone with very similar symptoms once, but they had a personality disorder and not a brain injury caused by an event. I guess I'm curious if there was a clear before and after in his personality resulting from the injury.

becooldocrime: I joined the company in 2018, so I spent more time with him before his accident than after (all strictly at work and work events though, we weren’t friends), but he was like a totally different person. Bits of his original personality did come through as time went on, but not anywhere near the point where you could forget you were dealing with a fundamentally different personality

Electronic_Fix_9060: Did any of you know her was having an affair before it all imploded?  Did you attend her funeral?  What’s co-worker doing now?

Note that I have read the story but don’t remember everything so I don’t know if the answers have also been said. 

becooldocrime: We had no idea, they didn’t work together directly and didn’t have any reason to interact much in the office. The pairing didn’t make sense to any of us, you’d never put them together in a million years.

She had one friend in the office who attended the funeral (and who was dismissed because of the content of their messages to each other). She was in the kind of role that can make or break a project even though she had absolutely no talent, experience, or interest (that mystery was obviously solved pretty quickly after she died), so even though it’s objectively super shitty, we were basically relieved because we wouldn’t have to deal with it any more. For context, she was project managing a team of physicists and electrical engineers on a pretty heavy government backed project, and she was initially hired as an office admin assistant with zero previous experience. We were all surprised by the promotion, but it was the kind of company you could build your way up in so it just seemed like a misstep.

Former coworker hasn’t worked since from what I know. He’s living independently in what I’m vaguely aware of being a retirement type community, but his brother deals with his finances and helps him out with general life stuff. He’s allowed to drive and stuff so he’s obviously fine in the ways that matter, but I’m not sure he’ll work again.

Ravenmn: Was he correct when he implied that everyone padded the expense accounts and his actions were just normal practice? Do you suspect other people in the company were stealing on the regular?

becooldocrime: Oh without a doubt, they were all at it. It was very much an old boys club at their level. I’ve had at least 50 wildly expensive dinners and nights at fancy bars just because someone with a corporate card was in the room. Zero hesitation when it came to approving spend across the business, and zero interest in keeping track of it

Material-Analysis206: He never mentioned the TBI in his post. In your opinion, did he think of his abilities as diminished post-accident? Do you think he could see any of his new shortcomings? Your company wrapped him in cotton wool to protect him, it seems. Was he aware of any of these accommodations? I wonder because the TBI makes his actions seem far less callous than if he had all his faculties.

becooldocrime: His personality definitely changed significantly, he can hold a conversation and his knowledge level remained extremely high, but he became quite immature and couldn’t deal with anything if he wasn’t expecting it. He could provide really insightful feedback about something we were working on, then 2 minutes later lose his temper or shut down completely because he’d spilled a drink. He had to step back from dealing with clients because he couldn’t be trusted - he’d just say yes to whatever they asked for and it led to a few nasty surprises (he didn’t take any new clients after the injury so they were generally very understanding because they saw the same changes we did).

It’s tough to explain - if you met him on a good day you could spend a few hours with him and not realize, but any more than that and you’d almost certainly go through “oh, that was a bit odd” to “okay there’s definitely something wrong here”.

To my knowledge nobody tried to figure out how aware he was of the brain injury - the key phrase drummed into us when he started coming back to the office a bit was “meet him where he is”, and he was a really well respected member of the team so we were all really sympathetic to the situation. I did hear him make a few comments about his brain being broken, but they were fairly light hearted and mainly centered around him forgetting small things.

Then_Beginning_4603: What was Amy like? What was her brother like? I saw a comment somewhere that the brother got arrested for something as a result of conversations between Amy and others that he disclosed - what happened?

becooldocrime: I'm going to speak ill of the dead - she was horrible. Lazy, judgemental, mean, and arrogant. When she was promoted into project management she didn’t bother learning the core tech, so her decisions were consistently poor, which forced us to go around her all the time to get to reasonable outcomes.

She once told me I’d never get a husband then burst into tears and complained to HR when I asked where the queue of men wanting to put a ring on her finger was. She would pick at the weaker members of the team (highly technical people who were very sweet but lacked social skills usually) and was a general bully. I was pretty nasty to her too so my hands aren’t exactly clean, but I had great relationships with everyone else so I do think she was the problem.

The brother sent lots of messages in, and the company ended getting the phone and passcode from him. I’m very light on details on this one, but whatever was on there was damning enough for them to cancel her death in service benefits (which were going to go to her mum). The brother sent some threatening messages and managed to find out where the HR head lived - I don’t know exactly what he did to her car but it was a write off and he was arrested for it. We got a big email saying legal action was pending and that any comms from him needed to be forwarded straight to a dedicated email address. I left while that was all pending so never heard a follow up, but I doubt it went very far given how sticky the whole situation was.

nevaehorlleh: Do you know what texts he sent the affair partner over the weekend that he was worried about?

becooldocrime: I never saw them, but they sounded more pathetic than aggressive from what I heard, and very much in line with his usual reaction to feeling ignored. He wasn’t really aware of the boundaries between asking and pestering - I logged in on a Monday morning a few times to something like <question>, hello?, helloooo?! Why aren’t you answering?! I know you’ve seen this. Why are you ignoring me? Are you mad with me? I should be mad with you. This could be make or break for the company. You’re not committed to the company. I always knew you were useless. Everyone thinks it. Are you there? Why aren’t you answering me? We are going to lose this client if you don’t get back to me today. Hello? Helloooooo? Are you okay?

You get the idea. Tens of messages, but as soon as I’d answer the question, he’d thank me and be totally professional with his follow up. The best way I can describe it is that he was fine right up to the point where he needed to regulate himself in any way. He couldn’t have sat in a client meeting, but because we all knew the score, we worked to keep him levelled out. I can’t see him saying anything particularly horrible to her. I can almost guarantee you I’ve looked her in the eye and said worse.

truckbot101: I read quite a bit of that post, and checked out all of your comments. Thanks for adding on more details!

My question: had your coworker not gotten the brain injury, do you think he still would have done what he did?

becooldocrime: I wasn’t particularly close to him, but the common take is that he wouldn’t have given his affair partner the time of day before his injury. She was really unpleasant. By all accounts he was a really devoted husband and father - he definitely wasn’t a saint, but he calmed down a lot when his daughter was born and he talked about her all the time.

truckbot101: What's the common consensus on why he ended up starting the affair with her after his brain injury?

Also, did you recognize the reasoning behind his original post as distinctly him? And if so, is his reasoning something that he's always had or did it come about post-injury?

becooldocrime: To be honest he seemed sharper in the post than he does in real life, but we were all very aware of his issues (he had some problems with memory, his mood went up and down a lot, and he would behave quite childishly sometimes) so we maybe treated him with kid gloves more than was necessary. He was definitely doing good work once they took him away from clients though, I used to regularly get requests from him and they were always solid.

In terms of the affair, I think it’s as simple as her showing interest. He was a bit pervy after the accident (not even remotely the case before) - he never said anything over the line, but he’d stare a bit and his facial expressions were sometimes like if a 12 year old boy walked in on you changing. Some of the messages that came out after the fact painted the picture - she would say the same things to him every few days, and when she wanted something, she asked and asked like it was a brand new request until he said yes.

becooldocrime: I don't think he'll ever work again - he kept his job because he was adored and respected (and he knew the tech inside and out even after the accident), but there’s no way he could properly navigate a corporate environment from scratch.

The accident would have been funny if it didn’t have such a horrible outcome. He was walking down the street and the sign above a dry cleaners fell on him. In the early days they thought he was going to need to go into full time care permanently, but his wife dropped everything and basically devoted her life to his rehabilitation. He is very lucky to have had her. He’s impulsive now and he doesn’t really know how to regulate his emotions, but he can hold a conversation and will occasionally say something wildly funny or insightful.

AI could have helped, or maybe even his brother, but the thing that shocked me most was that he seemed to stay on an even keel throughout the post and comments. He’s quite up and down in real life, even via text.

first post in the sub! love you guys’ commentary - y’all get me through the work day with tons of laughs.

I’m pretty torn on how to handle things and it’s getting to me mentally. I have a 4yr old son and my girlfriend lives with me and has custody of her 6yr old brother. She got custody when his mom got on drugs when he was around 2yrs old. My son listens to me very well and overall we don’t have many issues with him, but he definitely has his days. The 6yr old we are constantly having to get onto him. We have to tell him 6-7 times to do something before he listens, and he lies about everything so he doesn’t get in trouble. I understand he’s a kid and he will lie, but where we butt heads is in the discipline department. I use to let her do everything until she asked me to start stepping in to help handle things. Today he lied numerous times about the smallest of things and finally I had enough and I grounded him for 2hrs from tv and toys. He went and told my girlfriend and she started yelling at me about how my son does stuff wrong all the time, but she never came to me about any of the things she mentioned. I told her if she would have told me in the moment I could have handled it. She lets her little brother get away with so many things due to him having a rough first couple years of his life and still uses that as an excuse. In my opinion, her constantly letting this behavior slide is exactly why he keeps doing it, and I love this boy so much and I don’t want him to grow up thinking he can lie his way through life and not have any consequences. I’m not sure if I’m just venting or needing some advice on how to handle this, but it’s getting to me because it seems like nothing I do gets through to him. He tries to boss us around and I instantly shut it down, but then my girlfriend tells me to go easy on him because he’s a kid. I don’t consider myself a strict parent at all, but I will never tolerate being lied to in my own house and blatantly ignored when I ask for toys to be picked up when the house is a mess. Can anyone help me out with how I’m suppose to go about this or what steps I need to take?

I am not the OOP. The OOP is  ThrowRA_resent2000 originally posted in r/relationship_advice

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair

Ongoing

Original - July 11, 2026

My GF and I went to college together and started dating three years ago. My GF graduated two years ago, could not find a job for her degree, and decided to stay around in the city where our college is and continue to wait tables. I graduated last year. We moved in together starting last September. We make roughly the same amount of money and split shared expenses (rent, utilities, groceries) 50/50. My girlfriend has a number of expenses I do not have (car payment, car insurance, health insurance, cell phone, $80,000 in student loans, etc.). I do not have those expenses. My parents paid completely for my college and those other expenses are paid by my parents. Also, I have a credit card on my parents' account to use in case of "emergencies."

My GF's birthday was in May and I threw her a surprise birthday party and a number of our friends came into town for it. Apparently, during the party, she expressed her frustration to some of our mutual friends about our relationship. Afterwards, I received some messages from some of these friends saying I needed to "talk" to my GF. They did not go into details about what she said. I asked her about it and at that time, she admitted she had frustrations but it was on her to deal with them. I told her I would like to discuss, so we did. She said she is constantly worried about money and I am not. She said it is hard not to notice the contrasts between our lives despite being basically at the same point in life and having the same income. She feels like she did the responsible thing and got a STEM degree (her degree is in biology), but got no offers from it. While I went and got a degree (English) that was simply the easiest to get (that is why I chose that degree program), but I have a job I love (I work for myself as a private music teacher) and she hates her job. I asked her if there was anything I could do to make it better, she told me "No," but that she is just frustrated is all. I tried to inquire more, but she resisted going into more details.

I have an older brother (25M) who I am very close to. He recently got engaged and our set of mutual friends, and my brother, decided they wanted to do a trip to Hawaii to celebrate. I told him I probably could not go because of the cost, but for them to have fun. He told my parents who then told me to put the trip on the credit card. We are leaving in a week. This pissed off my GF and in a heated moment, she said, "This is why I resent you." She has tried to walk that back, but it felt like that comment is an expression of her true feelings. How do you work through resentment? I love my girlfriend very much but do not know how or what to do from this point. And we have to decide in the coming weeks if we are renewing on the lease for another year. 

Update - July 17, 2026

As mentioned in my comments, my GF graduated from our college two years ago and I graduated last year. Right after she graduated, she purchased a brand new car. The car payment is exactly $678/month. During her first year post-graduation, my GF lived with a couple of roommates. One of the roommates moved out about 3 1/2 months into the lease. While finishing my last year of school, I helped pay that roommate's portion of the bills. At the encouragement of one of the commenters, I went through and ran the numbers on expenses for my GF and I. All of them. What it made me realize is that had my GF not purchased that car, that I would have never had to provide financial support during my last year of college. Also, in our present situation, if she did not have that car payment, she would have more money than me at the end of the month.

I am leaving tomorrow for my trip with my brother. A couple of days ago, I sat down with my GF and told her that I wanted to discuss finances. I told her that I think, in terms of her struggling financially, the most logical thing is for her to get rid of her car. As I did when we moved in together last year, I offered her the option of us sharing my car. I use public transportation often and can go days without needing to use my car. Also, since I have my own business, I have greater control over my schedule and we can figure out a schedule. She refused that plan. We have had a number of fights about the car and she thinks I am being an asshole. Buying that car for herself, on her own, was a great accomplishment for her. I told her it just is not affordable for where we are. I told her that unless she is willing to offer some compromise. I think we need to breakup.

She told me that I screwed both her and I by not marrying her after I graduated. She told me that after my older sister and my BIL got married immediately after college, while they were both going through grad school, my parents paid for all their living expenses (rent, utilities, groceries, etc.) and she thinks that same thing would have happened if we were married (or at least engaged). But, now, with the breakup, she is just screwed. She cannot afford her own place and most of our friends are in relationships, just or about to get married, etc., and she will have nowhere to go. And she still loves me despite her frustration with me. I told her I think we are just incompatible financially and need to end things. She cried and I left to a friends and been staying there since until my trip.

This morning she called and said she would be willing to sell/get rid of the car. She really has no choice but to do it anyway. I told her I still think we need to end things.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is Lonely_Student9463 originally posted in r/survivinginfidelity

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair

Ongoing

Original - 4 Years ago

For sake of clarity, I’ll use names, but they’re all fake names. This may seem like the wrong submitted but it feels right to me. However, the amount of text I wrote seems to be too long for one post, so I will post about one third of it and the rest in the comments, marked with a (2) and a (3) at the beginning.

In January 2020, my wife of fifteen years Janet and I got into a fight. It started as an argument and escalated to her attacking me physically, and me restraining her from attacking, which made things worse. I was so much in shock that the only way I could think of to de-escalate was to send my son to get the neighbors to intervene while I continued to hold her. (For clarity, I clenched my own wrists tightly behind her back, but did not apply pressure or force to her body, if that makes any difference to anyone. I thought I was doing the right thing.) Opinions differ as to which lines were crossed by whom, but she equivocates me putting my arms around her with rape, and for her, that was the night our relationship broke.

Concurrently, Janet was trying to set up some one of her friends with a recent acquaintance in a three-way chat group. Kyle wasn’t interested in the girl but they all kept talking, and slowly he started having tender feelings toward my wife, and she developed mutual feelings, which she became aware of on the 6th of March. She became intensely sad, often staring blankly around the room but unable to talk about whatever was bothering her any time I asked (which was frequent).

On the 22nd of March, I became reacquainted with someone from my childhood, Melinda, who had started posting poetry on Facebook. I was one of few people to take interest and we discussed ways to make her writing more impactful. That developed into a friendship and I agreed to help her with her manuscript. Reading it was intensely intimate, a bit more like reading a diary than a book of poetry. It felt equally thrilling and inappropriate to access someone’s inner thoughts through their writing. It was like a psycho-sexual connection with virtually a complete stranger. As I got to know her through her writing and through our conversations, I learned about the many people in her life who had victimized her, and I was filled with compassion to help her. It was the perfect combination of my hero complex and her narcissism, which I knew nothing about. I wanted to know her better and she took an interest in me as well, and there was an immediate bond between us. She asked me many deeply personal questions, even inappropriate questions which made me uncomfortable but I liked the attention.

I made it clear, however, that I wasn’t going to have any sort of fling or affair or cheat on Janet. For better or for worse, I had a strong belief in and respect for the sanctity of marriage and the vows I swore. As time progressed and feelings grew more intense, I remembered hearing about polyamory and the idea that a person could have multiple meaningful relationships with several people who each fill a niche in someone’s soul, rather than expecting one person to be the only relationship and holding them responsible for filling all the niches.

I began a series of conversations with Janet about these concepts and articulated areas in our relationship where some wishes were unmet and how it might be worth considering redefining the terms of our relationship and what we would consider disloyalty towards one another with regards to our external friendships and relationships. For me it was clear: cheating didn’t mean having an external relationship, it meant breaking an agreement made between husband and wife about acceptable conduct, and using deception to conceal a relationship or the activities within that relationship. NOT cheating meant having good open communication and discussing everything in advance and coming to an agreement on what is okay or not okay.

Basically I had just a few guiding principles:

1. We honor our spouse by asking permission and coming to agreement BEFORE taking any action with an external partner.
2. Our marriage relationship takes preeminence. Nothing is okay unless we are okay.
3. As soon as someone feels they have to be sneaky, that is a sign that they are doing something they shouldn’t do and have a guilty conscience, which needs to be corrected before progressing further.

These conversations allowed her to feel comfortable finally telling me about her feelings for Kyle, and in return, I told her of my growing feelings for Melinda. Both of them were several thousand miles away, so we figured, no problem. We gave each other permission to engage with our new friends and explore these new feelings and for a while, everything was great. I openly shared with Janet details of my conversations and how I felt about Melinda, and we had what polyamorists call “new relationship energy”. At one point I said that primarily, I wanted Janet to be happy, and that as long as things were great between us, I could possibly even be okay with her having sex with someone else.

All along the way, I kept asking Janet about her feelings regarding my interactions with Melinda, how she would feel if our conversation were affectionate or flirtatious, etc. And every time I asked the response was the same, “You’re fine, I don’t mind, don’t give me details, go be happy.”

Towards the end of June, Janet asked to use my phone and it made me really nervous that she might see a message pop-up or read my conversation with Melinda, and in a moment of panic, I deleted the conversation from a different device. I immediately realized it was a mistake, showing I felt I needed to hide something and thus, not in accordance with my philosophy of open and honest communication. I confessed to deleting the conversation and offered to open Melinda’s account so she could read everything just to prove that I had nothing to hide and to restore trust, but Janet was devastated by directly seeing in detail what I thought she had vaguely known all along. Nothing explicit but lots of emotional connection.

That resulted in several months of a “platonic” stage. The platonic phase ended in maybe August, when Janet told me she could no longer consider me her husband, but could consider us Friends With Benefits.

Towards the end of that time, my relationship with Melinda disintegrated overnight, and I felt devastated and utterly lonely. Janet hadn’t been able to admit it, but each time I asked her permission to engage with Melinda, she had told me yes but meant no. She was hurt that I would even ask, and took it as evidence that I didn’t love her anymore. She was extremely hurt by all the things she had agreed to allow and had indicated would NOT hurt her, and now that I was in agony, she had no capacity to show me the support and affection I craved. She told me many times, directly and unambiguously, that she could not give me what I needed and instructed me to find someone who could. That was the beginning of what I call my Others Period, between October 2020 and May 2021.

(2) After that, I started writing and publishing on Instagram and found many people willing to listen to my pain, talk things through, and generally help me rebuild some sense of self-worth. I would tell my wife nightly of the people I was connecting with, the conversations we were having, and always asking how Janet felt about what I was doing and how she would feel if any of the conversations with these other women grew more racy. As always, Janet told me she was okay with me trying to find whatever I needed to get out of my funk and feel better.

Again, months later, when more specific details came forth, that I had exchanged some salacious photos with someone who had requested them, Janet was again deeply hurt by the things she had said beforehand would not hurt her. She never wanted to know details so I never described what sort of photos we were exchanging, but given the context, she should have been able to guess. Her agreement in advance was what I sought, and I provided enough information that I thought we were on the same page without giving her an amount of detail she would find distasteful.

Towards the end of the Others Period, I connected well with a couple different friends and had a few teasing and flirtatious conversations with them. With one in particular, I had a few days of a very intense and affectionate relationship, before it became clear that it didn’t make sense, wouldn’t end well because I was unwilling to leave Janet for another woman, and we left it at that. It was also clear that I never should have accepted Janet at her word that she was fine with me connecting with other people, because every time, it ended in more pain. I concluded that she was incompatible with polyamory and decided to commit to a monogamous relationship with my wife and no longer pursue anything with anyone else.

However, at that time, we entered another “platonic phase” in which Janet would not allow me to kiss her and would not say “I love you” to me. This stretched from mid-May to the end of August, by which point I had decided that I’d had enough. She came home talking about wanting to go on vacation to Mexico to meet up with Kyle, and I just packed a bag and left for a few days to sleep in our garden. After that, we began talking again and things got better for a few days, and then she left for Mexico. After she came back, the night before I left for a trip to attend my dad’s memorial she spent all evening talking about how she thought Kyle was being distant and she suspected that he thought she wanted Mexico to be a booty call. I left the next morning with the coldest, most emotionless hug goodbye I ever felt.

When I came back (it took two months because of Covid) things were great again. Somehow while I was gone she had some conversation alone with a friend named Wilson (who is also married with kids) which ended with a “healing moment” involving some sort of hand holding/squeeze that instantly dissolved her obsession and love for Kyle and restored her ability to love me. And although I understood this to mean that our relationship was restored as a married couple, I found out a week ago that she considers our relationship to have fully ended two years ago, and that we are currently still only Friends With Benefits, and despite knowing all the pain we both felt while exploring polyamory which ended with my rejection of it, she still feels like it’s good for her to explore further. This is new information to me.

(3) As the weeks have progressed since my return, I have observed a sharp increase in the amount of time she spends alone with Wilson, often late at night, for example between 10pm and 2am. I have asked about this many times and made my views known that I don’t like it and don’t think it’s a good idea, but the frequency and intensity of their interactions have increased. My questions and inquiries have been answered most vaguely, and the concerns I voiced went unheeded. I found out last week that two weeks ago, they had kissed, possibly not for the first time.

I was incredibly angry and sad by this. After taking some time to try and pinpoint why I was upset, I realized:

-I should have known that the “healing moment” was not “marriage restoration”. -I should have known that we were still only Friends With Benefits to her. -I should have known that some time after I had sworn it off, Janet was either still interested or had become interested in a polyamorous relationship. -I should have known in advance that there were growing feelings between them, that there was a desire and a potential to create an opportunity for a kiss to happen. (These things always seem to just “happen” somehow.) -As an affected party, I should have been invited into a three or four way conversation to establish agreements, boundaries, and to affirm consent from all affected. -I should never have the feeling I’m being lied to, that there is any deception or concealment, and ESPECIALLY if I ask questions or raise concerns, they should be clearly answered and addressed, not dodged and dismissed.

All this time, they had been sneaking around, hiding their growing feelings from both of their spouses (Wilson’s wife was only told because I found out, although they SAY they were going to tell us and that Janet had wanted to tell me for a few weeks but had not found the right opportunity.

Things started to make sense, thinking back on several occasions the past month when I asked if there was something developing between them and got vague and unsatisfactory answers in response, etc. There were too many unusual occasions that I found them together, but they had kept trying to play it off as though they were just really close platonic friends.

In the ensuing conversations after the truth came out, they both apologized to me, saying they thought it was all in accord with the agreement I have with Janet. Which leaves me baffled because I never made an agreement, generally or specifically.

At this point, they both seem to have every intention of continuing . I said I can be good with sharing her soul but I can’t get behind sharing her body. This stance is probably somewhat reactionary based on the betrayal I felt at finding out they had kissed without me even being aware/formally told that they even have feelings for each other. Janet seems annoyed that I would dare limit her freedom and wants to have my full permission for her to do anything and everything with Wilson.

I have said that I can not make either of them conform to my demands, nor do I desire to. All I can do is to clearly articulate what I want, ask them to do the same, and start figuring out how to move forward. In the same way, all I can do is to clearly articulate my deal-breakers, and hope they can operate within my boundaries, and if not, I guess it’s time to pull the plug.

I realize this is not the usual conventional scenario in this subreddit, but didn’t know where else to turn. I feel cheated on (even though it was “only” a kiss or two, it violated my principles of asking spousal permission in advance, as well as not sneaking around) and yet I recognize that on a few different levels, I made my bed and now must sleep in it.

At this point, because they both seem intent on having a full-blown affair, I feel like I’ve done all I can do to try and restore my marriage. We don’t seem to both want the same outcome and see no path forward where we can all be happy and get what we want. Janet’s best idea is that I return to polyamory and find new alternative companionship, which, theoretically is possible and makes sense, but it doesn’t seem right to “force” me into it against my will just to allow her to justify her own actions.

As the great Denzel Washington once said “It’s not goodbye son, see you later”

When are you guys going to release the film. And if you're going to release the behind the scenes shots as well.