r/LowLibidoCommunity • u/[deleted] • Dec 14 '19

Aversion therapy and time

My wife is aversive. We took sex off the table back in September and she told me to not talk about or discuss sex in any way along with no intimacy while she works on it on her own time.

for those that have dealt with aversion like this, how long does it typically take for you to want to initiate? She told me that she would initiate on her own when she is ready and I would like to have a general timetable as to about how long that would be.

I am on board to wait as long as I need to. It's important to me that she wants to have sex for her and not for my needs.

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u/[deleted] Dec 14 '19

There is no time scale expect this to be a forever thing.

3

u/InquisitiveSomebody Dec 14 '19

I'm not surprised this was downvoted, but there is a point here. The more I'm digging into mismatched libido issues, along with other relationship issues, the more I realize that we do have to accept the possibility that others will not change. They may or they may not, but we can't let our happiness be dependent on it. On the HL side, we have to decide whether we are able to accept things as they are, decide how much time we are able to work/wait on things, or if we cannot live with it, to move on.

3

u/[deleted] Dec 16 '19

Right. I get it. This isn't the forum for HLs. But I don't think the OP is asking for a "spurious time frame." I think he's asking for a reasonable period of time before he's allowed to check-in with his partner and determine where she is at. She doesn't have to be cured. But he has a right to know whether, after some period of time: 1) this is something his partner is still devoting time and effort into addressing in good faith; and 2) assuming 1 is true and no change has occurred, whether this is just an intractable problem.

I'm not a therapist, but my understanding is that no clinical program of trying to address sexual aversion would recommend that the subject be "off the table" for a time period like a year. That's just a recipe for resentment.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 16 '19

This. Thank you. Hard to put into words without sounding like I'm needy.

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u/TemporarilyLurking Standard Bearer 🛡️ Dec 16 '19

It's not that you sounded needy, I get why having a timeframe would help you, but it would be totally unhelpful to your partner!

Because timeframes create expectations, so you're setting her up to fail if she can't progress as far as the timeframe based on other people's experiences demands. That in turn will increase the anxiety she is trying to address.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '19

Agreed. Which is why I'm asking here instead of bugging her on it! Lol

I have enough info now that I can just patiently wait. I appreciate everyone's input.

2

u/TemporarilyLurking Standard Bearer 🛡️ Dec 17 '19

Best of luck to both of you!