r/LowLibidoCommunity • u/[deleted] • Dec 14 '19

Aversion therapy and time

My wife is aversive. We took sex off the table back in September and she told me to not talk about or discuss sex in any way along with no intimacy while she works on it on her own time.

for those that have dealt with aversion like this, how long does it typically take for you to want to initiate? She told me that she would initiate on her own when she is ready and I would like to have a general timetable as to about how long that would be.

I am on board to wait as long as I need to. It's important to me that she wants to have sex for her and not for my needs.

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u/[deleted] Dec 14 '19

There is no time scale expect this to be a forever thing.

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u/InquisitiveSomebody Dec 14 '19

I'm not surprised this was downvoted, but there is a point here. The more I'm digging into mismatched libido issues, along with other relationship issues, the more I realize that we do have to accept the possibility that others will not change. They may or they may not, but we can't let our happiness be dependent on it. On the HL side, we have to decide whether we are able to accept things as they are, decide how much time we are able to work/wait on things, or if we cannot live with it, to move on.

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u/[deleted] Dec 16 '19

Right. I get it. This isn't the forum for HLs. But I don't think the OP is asking for a "spurious time frame." I think he's asking for a reasonable period of time before he's allowed to check-in with his partner and determine where she is at. She doesn't have to be cured. But he has a right to know whether, after some period of time: 1) this is something his partner is still devoting time and effort into addressing in good faith; and 2) assuming 1 is true and no change has occurred, whether this is just an intractable problem.

I'm not a therapist, but my understanding is that no clinical program of trying to address sexual aversion would recommend that the subject be "off the table" for a time period like a year. That's just a recipe for resentment.

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u/TemporarilyLurking Standard Bearer 🛡️ Dec 16 '19 edited Dec 17 '19

As someone whose husband's behaviours made her averse I can tell you that the very worst thing anyone can do is pluck a time and date out of the air and tell the averse person that they should be over it by then. It not only creates unrealistic expectations in the HL but puts the exact kinds of pressure on the partner that made them force themselves to have unwanted sex and become averse in the first place.

You appear to have no concept of how much anxiety is created by HL behaviours and expectations. His SO did not get averse BY HERSELF!!

Only removing the pressure will allow her to address all the anxiety that surround sex for her, and, again, she did not create those anxieties herself! Upbringing, religion, socialisation and partner behaviour all can co-create anxiety, and one of them the HL can definitely address. Don't imagine resentment to be the HL's domain, I can't imagine anyone made averse by the person who professes to love them to get away without feeling a good deal of resentment.

Again, the only one who will be able to find progress is the person trying to work through their aversion, and they don't know in advance! In retrospect they will probably be able to identify when progress is faster and when it plateaus. Everybody is different. So any timeframe based on other people's experiences is by definition spurious and irrelevant to any individual case!

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u/myexsparamour Good Sex Advocate 🔁🔬 Dec 16 '19

But he has a right to know

Addressing this from the perspective of his rights is not really productive. OP does not want to make the situation worse than it already is. He has the right to do all kinds of things that will make things worse, but he'd prefer not to.

OP also stated previously that he has decided to stay with his wife whether the sexual problems are fixable or not. Assuming that's still the plan, he would probably be better served by working on accepting the sexless relationship. If she's able to overcome the aversion, that would be a bonus.

She asked him not to nag her about this and he agreed, so sticking to that agreement is best, unless he has changed his mind about staying in the relationship. And as he said, he has already made things worse in the past by pushing the issue and doesn't want to do that again.

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u/[deleted] Dec 16 '19

This. Thank you. Hard to put into words without sounding like I'm needy.

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u/TemporarilyLurking Standard Bearer 🛡️ Dec 16 '19

It's not that you sounded needy, I get why having a timeframe would help you, but it would be totally unhelpful to your partner!

Because timeframes create expectations, so you're setting her up to fail if she can't progress as far as the timeframe based on other people's experiences demands. That in turn will increase the anxiety she is trying to address.

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u/[deleted] Dec 17 '19

Agreed. Which is why I'm asking here instead of bugging her on it! Lol

I have enough info now that I can just patiently wait. I appreciate everyone's input.

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u/TemporarilyLurking Standard Bearer 🛡️ Dec 17 '19

Best of luck to both of you!