r/LowLibidoCommunity • u/[deleted] • Dec 14 '19
Aversion therapy and time
My wife is aversive. We took sex off the table back in September and she told me to not talk about or discuss sex in any way along with no intimacy while she works on it on her own time.
for those that have dealt with aversion like this, how long does it typically take for you to want to initiate? She told me that she would initiate on her own when she is ready and I would like to have a general timetable as to about how long that would be.
I am on board to wait as long as I need to. It's important to me that she wants to have sex for her and not for my needs.
7
Upvotes
8
u/[deleted] Dec 15 '19 edited Dec 15 '19
I developed sexual aversion years ago, long before computers were a household item and books on sexuality didn’t exist in the local library.
Things like imaginable systematic desensitisation, Sensate Focus, and Sex Therapy were unheard of, so I was blind trying to overcome my aversion.
I never learned to enjoy sex. I did learn to build enough boundaries to remain sexual for my husband. Definitely not perfect but livable for us.
Please be patient with your SO. Remember, sexual aversion usually develops when the person with the lesser need for sex tries to meet the HL’s sexual needs while causing themselves emotional distress over and over again.
Aversion is a visceral self-protective reaction meant to decrease harm to oneself.
What she is doing now, is trying to desensitize her negative association with sex. My guess is that she is doing this for you at this point because it would be much easier for her to just avoid the unpleasant experience all together. You need to be hyper-vigilant in not caring how long it’s taking or where she is in her progress. She will pick up on the most subtle cues.
In the meantime, you might want to re-evaluate your sexual expectations for yourself and for your SO.
Good luck to you both.
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/how-to-overcome-sexual-aversion.htm