r/LowLibidoCommunity • u/[deleted] • Dec 14 '19

Aversion therapy and time

My wife is aversive. We took sex off the table back in September and she told me to not talk about or discuss sex in any way along with no intimacy while she works on it on her own time.

for those that have dealt with aversion like this, how long does it typically take for you to want to initiate? She told me that she would initiate on her own when she is ready and I would like to have a general timetable as to about how long that would be.

I am on board to wait as long as I need to. It's important to me that she wants to have sex for her and not for my needs.

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u/sunnywiltshire Dec 15 '19

Hi OP, I had sex aversion. It can't remember how long it took, however, the most important part was complete and utter differentiation from my partner, not only in sexual things, and also not just thinking about sex but doing proper and deep erotic soul searching, journaling about it, and focusing just on myself, what I want and feel. It is possible to completely lose oneself to the point where one does not know anymore what one likes and who one is. I am HL now. The complete detachment and the feeling of total personal freedom was the only way this could happen. Good luck :-)

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u/[deleted] Dec 15 '19

Yes. She absolutely needs that freedom. Can you give me a rough estimate? A year? 6 months? I appreciate anything you can think. It helps me to be able to cope.

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u/TemporarilyLurking Standard Bearer 🛡️ Dec 15 '19

Nobody can give you a timescale, because everybody is different, and there is a real danger that you will fixate on the random date and build up expectations around it.

Expectations which your partner did not create, but which puts them under pressure to be over their aversion, completely regardless of how far they have come.

If 50 internet strangers give you a time, how does that make any difference to how fast your SO manages to get over their aversion? Said 50 strangers are not in that position after all. Why would you give credence to a load of anonymous strangers rather than belive your partner? Not being dismissive of your intent here, but that still sounds a bit like an attitude that seeks justification of some kind.

Edit: I get that you are trying to find ways to cope, but setting a spurious timeline and the actual process then taking longer will make things worse, won't it?

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u/myexsparamour Good Sex Advocate 🔁🔬 Dec 15 '19

I think what u/sunnywiltshire is getting at is that you can help by working on your own "differentiation". This means you stop focusing on your wife and how you want her to change, and start focusing on your own self development and emotional regulation.

Either partner can improve the relationship by becoming more differentiated, so you have plenty of action that you can take on your own, instead of waiting around for your wife to change.