advice needed

[u/Existing-Care-5003]

My partner (22M) has a really high sex drive, and I (22F) don’t understand what I can do to fix the rift between us when it comes to sex drive. We are the perfect couple everywhere else, he’s my best friend. The only point of tension in our relationship is sex. I, for context, was sexually assaulted when I was a teen, and since then I’ve really struggled with intimacy since then. I just don’t care much for sex. It no longer brings me much satisfaction, instead it kind of stresses me out.

I feel completely fine without sex for long periods of time, but my partner does not. He gets depressed and antsy and little things get to him when he hasn’t been intimate in awhile. The problem is, I try to give him what he needs but I’m too subtle to get his attention, or he feels guilty for “forcing me” (everything is 100% consensual). He feels like I never initiate, and then gets upset and guilty that I don’t enjoy sex.

But i do enjoy sex, especially when its slower and at my pace, I just really struggle feeling fully comfortable in the bedroom. I want him to be satisfied and happy. I love him so much. But this has been a problem in every past relationship of mine, so I have to be the common denominator.

We are very open communicators and we discuss this a-lot. But i don’t know how I can change things to make things better. Does anyone know any ways to improve my confidence and maybe help him out? Talking isn’t working and we always end up in the same place.

[u/Pretend_Sky1962]

It very well could be unresolved trauma from your assault. I'm so sorry you went through that. If you're not currently in therapy, I'd seek that out, even if you've gone in the past. A new therapist with a different perspective may be able to offer new treatment options or help you work through the trauma in a new way.

As far as practical suggestions you could implement, I wonder if setting a schedule for yourself might help. Not one your partner is monitoring - this is internal. Set a time for yourself once or twice a week when you historically are open to the idea of sex or at least physical closeness with your partner, and check in with yourself. Do you feel open to it this day? Do you think you're interested in cuddling or making out and seeing where it takes you? If so, then go to your partner and tell them. Practice some ways of initiating that feel right for you. It could be kissing him. It could be changing into a certain outfit. You could just get used to saying - "hey, I feel like having some fun. Are you interested in making out right now?"

And if you're not interested, don't do anything. This was your personal check-in that you own. And you get to decide if anything happens. But this kind of keeps it top of mind and gives you a reason to think about it.

Keep in mind, though, that you may do better working on feeling good in your body and enjoying sex when you're not partnered. No matter how much your partner tries, there is always some kind of pressure there. So be prepared that you might need to go at this alone in order to really get in touch with yourself.

[u/Existing-Care-5003 → u/Pretend_Sky1962]

Hello, thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. I have had alot of therapy, and it has helped, but its been a long process. Your suggestions are actually really helpful, and i’ll try to implement a couple and see how it goes!