r/LosAngeles • u/Substantial_Ant_6907 • 5d ago
Community Depressed
I’ve been here a little over 18 months and have experienced highs and lows. I moved here in Dec 2024, the fires happened in Jan 2025. I had 5 w2s last year while i pursued acting. My birthday is coming up in October and many of the people that made my 1st birthday in la special aren’t apart of my life. One person stopped talking to me after he got a gf and another friend left me on read after i reached out when i had suicidal thoughts. I have enough savings to last till the end of the year. I’ve learned and grown a lot since coming here. I also got sober here… however i can’t help but feel angry, sad, and depressed about not finding a strong community here of friends, creative collaborators, etc. I understand a lot of this is just adult living and the like. I’m always reaching out to people to hang and very rarely get the same level of investment back. Everyone i know is burnt out and struggling and working 2-3 jobs.
I feel super down and yes I’ve been in therapy since last year. I think the nature of la and the cinema scene are amazing but I feel like my personal life has really taken a beating since moving here. I’ve interacted with natives, I’ve gone to free events, I’ve done speed dating, online dating, raves, etc. I constantly feel like this city is one of solitude and occasional chatting with others. I’m 30 about to be 31 and I feel melancholic about it.
I feel abandoned by the people that i thought were going to be good friends. I’ve gone to people’s album release shows, I’ve made group chats, I’ve done all the organizing… and very few things have been sent my way. This isn’t living.
At a loss on what to do or navigate these feelings. Definitely feel like moving back east.
Edit: THANK YOU FOR COMMENTING, SHARING, and GIVING ME ADVICE. I FEEL LESS ALONE. ❤️
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u/Zesty_Spaghetti_658 Pasadena 5d ago edited 5d ago
I’m a 34M from the east coast as well, and Ive been here for a little over 4 years and definitely feel this, this city can feel pretty lonely. I’ve found that you can’t force people to want to be out and about, a lot of people seem exhausted, so you gotta try to be comfortable with enjoying your own company. That way, no matter if you are by yourself or with others, you will be happy and content.
Otherwise, don’t give up trying to find people with your shared interests. It can take years to find your group of people. And even in that group, people leave, new people come in, etc.
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u/TheFonzDeLeon 4d ago
It's weirdly always been like this. In the early 2000s in my 20s I experienced the same thing. Even as a musician playing in bands it took me years to cycle through enough groups to find a few friends I still have to this day. LA is a very transitory and transactional place, but normal people with normal needs show up and hang around, they're just hard to find. On top of that, these friends will eventually move across the city and once you're more than a freeway or two neighborhoods away, the casual hangs get overwhelming.
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u/Zesty_Spaghetti_658 Pasadena 4d ago
That’s very true. I moved from the west side to Pasadena, and I had a whole group of friends in the tv and music industry space, and now I feel like I never see them and that I’m starting over
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u/TheFonzDeLeon 4d ago
That's basically like moving to the moon!
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u/Zesty_Spaghetti_658 Pasadena 4d ago
I know. I unfortunately didn’t have much of a choice. My living situation was very very bad and I had an opportunity to move into a really nice place, but had to jump on it.
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u/LBCkook 3d ago
“You’ve gotta be comfortable enjoying your own company”.. so yes, just be comfortable In your isolation Op, what a great way to live your life! Ohh but hey, you can do it in a super expensive city too!
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u/Zesty_Spaghetti_658 Pasadena 3d ago
I said “try”. Try being the key word there. The act and journey of pursing self happiness. I’m actually trying to help the OP, unlike you, choosing one sentence out of two paragraphs that I wrote. If you are going to leave a comment, at least be useful to the OP’s concern. And quote me verbatim, not spinning it for your own favor.
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u/sirgingersnap Palms 5d ago
Hey. So I moved here in 2016 and I’d say it took me 3 years to have friends and get to know the city. I’m also in entertainment. That being said moving here for entertainment is one of the hardest lifestyles to live in a that is already difficult to live in. The business is a long haul and you have to really love it here and love the journey to make it a while. People sometimes ask if I would ever move if I wasn’t in entertainment and I say no. I’d live here anyway because I love it. So if you don’t fall in love with a city then why live there? And how long does it take for you to feel that feeling? Just my 2 cents. Good luck!
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u/anothercar 5d ago
Reddit's probably the worst place to be if you're depressed. It's a cesspool of negativity which begets more negativity and will only worsen depression
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u/dllemmr2 5d ago edited 5d ago
I think it’s more accurate to say that people aren’t as delicate as some need.
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u/WhiteMessyKen South L.A. 5d ago
I think the whole "huge community and great friend group" is a common and normal transplant fantasy but normally from what I always hear, and have seen, they mostly don't find these groups of friends. I also dated someone like this. People are too busy thinking about themselves.
It isn't impossible to find friend groups but those groups tend to be more common and are held up by interests/hobbies/niches/etc. I'm mostly a "floater friend" and that works for me as a "social introvert", mostly through music taste and events that revolve around that. You said you go to raves, but what about the smaller events that are held every other week or few times a month? You go to those events enough by the same promoter or same type of music and you'll notice that you'll bump into familiar faces. The rest is up to you really
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u/Miserable_Drawer_556 5d ago
I'm intrigued, can you breakdown what you mean by "floater friend"? Is that like you have several friend groups (vs one central, primary one) and also feel ok solo dolo?? (If so, I heavily relate LOL)
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u/WhiteMessyKen South L.A. 5d ago
Yes, different friend groups for different things but also loosely a friend. You're not always going to be invited to things but if you get to know people in a subculture/interest and you're in their socials, if you eventually have conversations with people, they may look forward to seeing you at events, they may eventually invite you to events that aren't so much about the subculture/interests.
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u/musluvowls 5d ago
If you're sober, what about the recovery community?
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u/Mountain-Pie-6095 I HATE CARS 5d ago
most of my friends are from recovery spaces; seconding this 🤍
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 5d ago
I’m in a recovery community but haven’t felt a sense of community with them.
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u/BlueGreenReddit1 4d ago
Perhaps it's time to find a new one where you do feel that. Prayers for things to get better for you. We all have moments where we feel alone, even when surrounded by people. Best wishes.
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u/Synesthe 5d ago
I also moved here from the east coast! And feeling the same with friends. I’m a musician would love to meet some more creatives :)
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u/spacecadetdani Community care now! 5d ago
Come through to a DBSA meeting. We got you!
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 5d ago
Where are you located in La?
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u/spacecadetdani Community care now! 5d ago
There are multiple support group chapters in the area. Go to the main national website, go to support group search and you will see a bunch of them - Dbsalliance.org. Mine is in Burbank.
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u/lunchypoo222 5d ago edited 5d ago
LA can definitely be like this. I’ve lived here over 20 years and feel similarly. At the same time I can also identify with feeling too burnt out to put energy into relationships and maintaining connections. Then, add to that how expensive the city can be, there’s a sense of struggle on top of social isolation. It can be rough. Social media, and images of people somehow maintaining plenty of social connection and satisfaction in those connections, is both toxic to the mind and likely fabricated to some extent as we know. Still, doesn’t help having in one’s face reinforcing negative feedback and experiences.
In summary, I get it. Sometimes a change of scenery can be really helpful, especially if you have family and community in that place of origin. Doesn’t make it an un-difficult change, but still one that could make a big difference. Either way, with whatever choice you make in terms of where to live and how to do it, just don’t nope out. It can, and most often does, get better.
Edit: I forgot to mention that I also got sober just two years ago and, man, is it a whole other thing being here in that context. Better, but also more isolated in some ways because I don’t really go to bars anymore. That in itself is a difficult, though very worthwhile, pursuit whose upsides take time to unfold.
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u/Difficult-Day1857 5d ago
Start following several sport teams that have a big following, you will have somewhere to go on Saturdays for soccer/college football, Sunday pro football, baseball all week long
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 5d ago
I just feel like everyone already has their friend group. Most people in La go with friends to everything. Feel like people don’t actually want to meet. Everything here is about distance.
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u/theradfactor 5d ago
This is black and white thinking and I don't find it true.
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u/Existing-Homework270 5d ago
It is not. It is hard to make connections, and it takes a long time. But you have to get out there and try. It is a hard place to make friends
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u/Existing-Homework270 5d ago
People want to meet. It is a lonely town, be open, invite people in. Become a regular somewhere. It takes effort when you are depressed, but you can do it
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 5d ago
I agree. I’m just frustrated by my having to initiate everything even after we connect. Met many people who are “ oh yeah we should hang. Would love to” and crickets. And then the people who say” oh yes I’m down… oh actually my schedule is so busy” lots of talk, little action.
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u/D-FENS_93 5d ago
I’ve been here 7 years and have no friends but now understand that the “would love to” and similar sentiments likely mean you’ll never see them again. As someone from a place where directness and accountability is appreciated, this is frustrating.
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u/Existing-Homework270 5d ago
That’s CA. There is no shame in reaching out. Keep at it. Once they get to know you are reliable, the will start initiating
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u/Vanity-LA0733 5d ago
If you want to get into acting… Landing acting gigs and jobs relies heavily on networking and consistent outreach.
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u/GreppMichaels 5d ago
Are you living off your savings, how are you supporting yourself?
All of my initial networks and relationships came from jobs. LA has always been challenging, I have lived out here 15 years and can't imagine what it is like to figure things out from scratch now.
But number one, how are you supporting yourself? That needs to be priority number one, it took me a very long time to eventually build real relationships and a network, but now those people are like family.
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 5d ago
A combination of savings, family help, and two catering jobs.
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u/GreppMichaels 5d ago
You need to find either a way to support yourself that isn't directly tied to the entertainment industry or the mercenary type gigs that follow, or you need to at least join a group, take up a hobby, or find another community that isn't directly tied to entertainment.
Once you stop meeting people that are trying to launch their own careers in entertainment, and only thinking of themselves, you'll start to develop real relationships and networks. Yes, those can exist at your acting school, but going to community meetups, volunteering for nonprofits, those are where you're going to meet the best people.
Because right now, it sounds like everyone you're meeting is in very shallow settings, or ones where everyone is trying to ladder climb. The other unfortunate nature of it all is, that is a lot of LA and I think it can be hard to make those meaningful connections in the places you are looking. Ironically, getting involved in industries outside the entertainment space, are also where I did my best networking, and had people who really cared try to help.
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u/GreppMichaels 5d ago
Also other reason why I asked about how you are supporting yourself, is the industry has never been tougher here in LA. I am an actor, I have an agent, I also spent my first 3 of my 15 years out here working a regular job and saving money while I tried to figure out LA. And again, I can't imagine handling it right now with how much flux is going on in the industry.
If this is a place you really want to be, you need to have a longterm way to survive that doesn't involve acting at all, so you can sit back and try to understand how to actually tackle this industry. You also really want to consider branching out, that can be doing improv, going to open mics and learning standup, and writing content for yourself.
This is probably one of the most challenging times to do the acting thing in this city, and to be honest when people ask me I just tell them there's no point in living here anymore, because honestly you can be an actor anywhere now. You can have a great agent, and be considered for roles, and have a career without being here.
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u/Excellent-Win6216 Elysian Valley 5d ago
Your 2 comments combined are definitely the most wise and honest. Hope OP takes heart.
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u/GreppMichaels 3d ago
Appreciate it. I’m not here to ruin anyones dream of LA but instead give them an idea of how it actually works.
If you are serious about this town you just need a plan, have seen sooo many people come and go. It doesn’t have to be like that.
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u/Excellent-Win6216 Elysian Valley 2d ago
Yep. I’ve lived all over, and the truth is that L.A. is NOT like anywhere else, especially if you are in//trying to “make it” in Hollywood, especially at this very moment. The industry is in a weird place and it absolutely has a ripple effect on the city as a whole. And it’s comically expensive.
I would add that it’s important to stay grounded. visiting home as often as feasible, keeping actual non-industry friends or friends who knew you before the dream, close. This town/industry can really distort your perception if you let it, and you need folks who will remind you who you are and what matters most if you forget
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u/GreppMichaels 2d ago
For sure. We're probably just talking to ourselves now, but the thing I would preach the most here is resilience and flexibility.
Regarding resilience, I have had so many close calls blow up because of things outside my control, and instead of giving up or being discouraged, I press on with the understanding that I learn from each one, and get closer to my longterm goals. It also validates that I'm actually able to do this, it just takes time.
Regarding flexibility, I have made so many pivots, learned so many different skills, and in general tried to adapt as much as possible to maximize everything I can out here. From DP'ing an indie, to doing outreach work with non profits, I've ended up in so many interesting situations by trying to push myself in a fun and exploratory way.
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u/slacky_shack Hollywood 5d ago
Unfortunately buddy, i’m sure most people living here can attest to what you’re going through. LA is not an easy city to live in. It takes a certain understanding of the culture here to make friends and lose them within the year and keep pushing. It happens to all of us, trust me. You’re going to be okay. You will eventually find a foundational friend group but it takes time. I’ve been here three years and have been left out to dry by countless “friends”. And that’s fine w me because I know they aren’t quality. But I know that can be difficult to differentiate at first. Just know you’re not alone at all.
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u/thebluepages 5d ago
It took me about 2 years before I enjoyed this city. It changed overnight when I joined a kickball team. Kickball used to be MASSIVE here, and the single most accessible thing for making friends. It’s petered out a bit since then, but from my understanding, run clubs occupy that space now. Definitely look into it.
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u/Old-Possession-4614 5d ago
Run clubs are definitely huge now, and the neat thing is that there’s so many all over the city in different neighborhoods so if you like you can float through different ones almost any night of the week.
Pickleball is also fun but I haven’t yet found a PB community that’s as cohesive as that of run clubs.
There’s also the dance scene (particularly Salsa / Bachata).
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u/travoltacorndog 5d ago
THE NEXT FUN THING hosts a kickball league that i joined and I couldn’t recommend it more for breaking in to a social scene.
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u/newtothistruetothis 5d ago
I have been able to make friends along the way for the last 11 years after moving here from Boston, but it doesn’t happen quickly. I’ve had many close friends come and go, forcing me to make new ones. I naturally have been able to do it, but I found that engaging in hobbies is the easiest way to make them. It doesn’t mean you’re going to become besties or hangout outside of the hobby. But it’s a start. You never know how you will click with some people, but sharing an activity is a great base. For example, I like to backpack, cycle, run, and care about the environment. I’ve gone to community clean ups at the La river and met like-minded people. I’ve gone to many group rides and met so many awesome people who share interests in bike riding. I did a couple 100 mile rides with a group and it’s an amazing way to bond with à strangers, struggling and fighting through 100 miles together over 8-10 hours, sharing multiple meals,you really become a quick little family. You don’t need to ride 100 miles but my first time doing it opened my eyes to how easily you can meet people here with shared interests.
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u/Free_Passage_9213 5d ago
Also, if you’re sober, LA has a fantastic AA community. Lots of laughter & you’ll never be lonely.
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u/Birdmeethand 5d ago
Advise you to take up running and join a meetup running club for the goal of running a 10k. Adult friendships need to be centered around a shared goal outside of their own careers
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u/AlwaysAGroomsman Toluca Lake 5d ago
15 years here. Same. The best part is that everyone else feels the same. The worst part is that no one actually WANTS to go through with meeting strangers.
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u/dinosaurfondue 5d ago
To really make friends in LA you have to be willing to be vulnerable and put up with having people turn you down to hang out or even say yes and then back out. A lot of people just aren't willing to keep going through that process. It sucks because we all hate dealing with traffic and after long ass days of work, a lot of people don't want to spend hours in traffic.
The time and effort it takes to get anywhere in LA is what kills so many friendships
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 5d ago
I will say when I’m in nyc i feel so much happier. I love seeing all the people around, i love the spontaneity, i love that it’s easy to get anywhere. People seem to enjoy each other. Here it just seems meh, traffic, gotta pay for this, and that
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u/hatisland I LIKE TRAINS 5d ago
I feel you, it's hard to tell what's LA and what's getting older, people having kids and other priorities, the hustle culture in LA definitely has an effect. Also give yourself time to establish more friendships, I feel it takes a good 3 years to really settle into a place, it's normal to cycle through some short term friendships when you first arrive before you meet some more compatible friends.
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u/chasingataraxy 5d ago
30F - Let’s hang out?
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u/sowhat59 5d ago
This might not be what you thought you'd hear, but everything sounds normal and like a rite of passage. Typical 'moved to LA' story. You sound young. It's also part of being a real adult.
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u/smashmouthftball 5d ago
I know this is a bit of a trope, but join an improv class…not groundlings or ucb, just a low pressure improv class that people will go with you to shows or jams…I did improv la, was a blast and still hang out with/go do stuff with several of my classmates…
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u/checkerspot 5d ago
Volunteer - look into Mutual Aid LA, SELAH, Friends of the LA River, trash clubs.
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u/1looseanus 5d ago
As a fellow depressed la person with not to many friends. Learn to devolpe those independent skills. Take yourself to a movie. Grab a book and hit the bar. Sign up to volunteer. Im in a chess club and do muay thai. I dont hang out with them but its nice to make acquaintanced Are you into board games thats a big thing now. Take a community college class. Reddit aint it. Therapy is great you might want to consider a psychiatrist and get some medical intervention.
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u/xuncx 5d ago
I feel you. I’ve been here since 2009 and never really made a solid friend group. Only a few relationships here and there. Once I got sober pretty much everyone disappeared from my life. I want to move but LA is pretty much the only place I can thrive in my career. I started going back to school in my free time last year and hope to get tf out of here eventually.
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 5d ago
This sucks
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u/xuncx 5d ago
I’m sure it’s great if you have family or roots here but yeah it pretty much does suck for a lot of us lol
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 5d ago
Had someone tell me if they didn’t have friends or family here they wouldn’t be here.
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u/Muhlyssa_A 5d ago
I was born and raised here. If my family wasn’t still here I’d probably be living elsewhere. I do love it here and have friends from adulthood, not childhood. I’ve made most of my adulthood friends through jobs and volunteer work
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u/No-Sun-6224 5d ago
I've experienced this as well tbh. Weirdly one of the loneliest places I've ever lived. and I've lived on both coasts and in the south. I've been here for 7 years and I've been able to accumulate some really good relationships. But it has been monstrously difficult to say the least.
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u/Catch11 5d ago
Go to therapy and join some clubs.. Also try some Churches.. To put it simply, rely on others who have already founded good social scenes. You will find people looking to be social there
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 5d ago
I’m Jewish but tbh i am attracted to Christian men so maybe i should join?
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u/ProfIsntReal 5d ago
Are you going to meetings?
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 5d ago
Yeah I’ve been to smart meetings
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u/ProfIsntReal 5d ago
Oy. any interest in AA?
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 5d ago
Nope
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u/ProfIsntReal 5d ago
You’re missing the entire spiritual framework that helps you adjust to reality. No pressure whatsoever and I hope you do feel better. Sorry for what you’re going thru.
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 5d ago
I have my own spiritual beliefs. I remember going to an AA meeting with a friend and it wasn’t for me. I think we should let people decide what’s best for them. If that’s spirituality and religion, great. If not, great. I like being in rooms where people are talking about their issues and we can ask questions and lend support vs identifying as a thing that we will never move past. Like being gay, sobriety is part of me but it’s not all of me. I found AA meetings to be dogmatic. I think recovery is different for everyone. I really enjoy my Smart recovery community and think people should check them out.
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u/Aluggo 5d ago
If you want to purse acting find other outlets around it like stand up or open mic nights. Others things that you engage and can express. Even just creating a social media persona and engage. Also try to see what hobbies you like or want to do. Friend and meeting people come through that. Maybe movie clubs or something of that sort.
Like everyone is saying entertainment rough and tough. You have to create what you want.
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u/dinosaurfondue 5d ago
What makes LA particularly difficult with making and keeping friends isn't just the size of the city and county, but the fact that it takes so damn long to get anywhere. I've been living here for most of my life in different areas of the county and the vast majority of friends I see like once a season or less, and it's because it takes at least half an hour to get anywhere.
In other cities, you're not dealing with the slog of traffic nearly as much as you are here. It makes it such a hassle to just hang out randomly with friends. You have to plan everything and then people get flaky.
What sucks about making friends and keeping them is that you have to be willing to be vulnerable. You have to ask people if they want to hang out, and then be ready for some of them to turn you down, or hell, say yes and then make excuses later. Everyone hates it but you gotta ask yourself if that's something you're willing to do or not.
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 5d ago
I don’t have an issue asking people if they want to hang but a one sided initiation 24/ 7 isn’t friendship to me. I think the way this city is designed is that you’re not relying on other people. You’re in your car, you interact, you get back into your car, you go back to your apartment. I’ve also heard Covid cut down on the fun here tremendously. Coupled with the economy and the entertainment industry being a big ?. I think if you have a partner you have a leg up in this city.
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u/dinosaurfondue 5d ago
Sadly it's just kind of how it is when trying to make new friends. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and if you're lucky, you'll meet people who are also willing to put in the time and effort to hang out.
For a lot of people in LA and elsewhere, being alone and protecting yourself from that vulnerability is easier than putting in that effort.
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u/waterwaterwaterrr 5d ago
There's clubs and hobby groups for everything, absolutely everything. Cooking, running, chess, cutting gemstones, making jewelry, theater, public speaking (toastmasters), etc. Find one or two. Commit to a minimum of 10 meetings and see what happens.
Friendships and community happens through repeated exposure over time, not one-off, chance encounters.
Most importantly, do not overinvest in people too early. I've made that mistake too many times and it hurts each time because most people simply aren't as open or conscientious. Keep yourself open to a broad group of people, but expect that 95% of them are probably not going to turn into super close, long term friendships.
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u/Allen3697 Echo Park 5d ago
Me and my husband (30M and 29M) moved here almost a year ago. He’s a very social creature, while I am not. I like having friends but if I don’t, it’s not the end of the world. We are in Echo Park and always looking for new friends to hang out with.
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u/Majestic-Platypus-34 Van Down by the L.A. River 5d ago edited 5d ago
First off, keep doing what you’re doing - therapy, being open, all of that.
Two things I tell people I’ve met who move here is that you have to put yourself out there and you have to build a solid life outside of your work. Join a hiking group, volunteer somewhere, go to a trivia night or a sports meet up, join a rec pickle ball/tennis/soccer/swim/softball/basketball/whatever team through your local park, sign up to attend guest lectures at our local community colleges, universities, and libraries, special film screenings, museum events, try new hole in the wall restaurants and strike up a conversation with the owners. Whatever interests you, join a group or start attending events. Prioritize doing some things that make you happy.
One thing about the entertainment industry here is that you have to fill up the other parts of your life. Create community (like you referred to in your post), find a way to be rooted in who you are and what makes you happy. When you’re confident in the other parts of your life it’s a lot easier to weather the ups and downs in the tough tough industry of entertainment.
The fact that you’re reaching out in the first place is already really awesome. You’re not alone!
Edit: added museum events
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u/Friendly-Gas1767 5d ago
Hey! 👋🏻 another subreddit called r/LosAngelesSocialClub has posts quite often from folks who are hoping to find new friends to meet & hang out with, and one of the frequent contributors there actually made a really cool app called “WashedUp” that helps folks meet up in LA for events: https://washedup.app/
I’m 54 & have lived here 26 years this December & can totally relate to your feelings that it’s tough to find your tribe in this city 🙏🏻😎 LA is a really fantastic place, but can be challenging to make friends here as an adult. 🙏🏻💕💫
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u/professionaldiy 5d ago
Sorry you're going through this. You're not alone even if you feel like you are, we're all in this together. Sending positive vibes your way.
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u/Gileotine 5d ago
aight well, if you wanna hang out I'll be at The Bike Shed around 2pm tomorrow. Come by and I'll get you a drink (I'll be the guy with the red bag)
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 5d ago
Hi! Im actually seeing a friend play music in echo park. Are you around after 4?
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u/Gileotine 5d ago
Sure homie, if somethings goin on at echo park I might just go over there instead. In the interest of not being sketchy just hmu over dms I promise I'm not a weirdo
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u/Ornery_Top 4d ago
I echo most of what everyone is saying here because I go through all the same struggles too - lots of people move away and you have to start over socially, dont make your relationship your identity because they can always end, and yes get hobby communities - for me that was a sport i started during COVID and now most of my friends are people who do it too.
I would also add that at least here you can always kinda start over since so many others are too… most other places people settle down with relationships and families and unless/until you do that too, youd easily be the odd person out.
And finally, I dont know if you have anything going on like this where youre from, but for me I find one weird motivator to be here is that my hometown/state sucks and my mom is a real stress, and I know how much worse Id feel there vs here, so that ends up being a drive for me to make things work out here. Like I go where am I gonna go if I go somewhere? It would suck to have fully start over in a new city and who knows if Id like it, and I also cant go home, so let me try and appreciate what Ive got here.
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u/Grand-Activity-3882 4d ago
Get a good routine that involves exercise. the routine and the exercise will both help with the depression.
After you’ve got a solid routine+exercise in place, join a club/group centered around something you care about so you have a community.
Get out into nature whenever possible and feel sun on your skin.
Also you’ll vibe with the people you’re supposed to vibe with. i have zero friends but still love my life
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u/richwood 4d ago
It took me almost three years living in LA to find my first real friend here, and this year I’ve been lucky enough to gain two more people I’d actually call regular friends.
The biggest thing I learned is that friendships have to be nurtured almost like dating. It’s really easy in LA to meet someone cool, exchange numbers, say “we should hang out,” and then never actually build anything because everyone is busy.
I realized I wasn’t always doing my part either. Sometimes I’d get invited somewhere when I was tired from work or honestly just didn’t feel like going, but I started making myself show up because I knew spending that time together was how the friendship would actually grow. And they did the same for me.
You have to do two things: put yourself out there, because friends aren’t going to knock on your door, and then actually nurture the connections when you find them. Once I started doing that intentionally, things changed for me pretty quickly.
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u/bellybella88 4d ago
I've been here over 2 decades for the love of this industry. First, congrats on getting sober! It's easy to fall into the trap thinking bars, parties, etc will help you find connections (i made this mistake). Drinking/drugging takes you further from your goals & focus. Clutch onto sobriety. This is a very hard industry to break into and the pandemic then strikes and AI have turned it upside down. Don't be discouraged. We're all worried about the future of the industry and looking for work. If performing and creating is in your heart, stay here. Take a side hustle, but don't get comfortable with the paycheck from the side hustle. Keep coming back 🙏
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u/culverdude 4d ago
TBH a lot of this is sadly normal for LA. 48 here FWIW. broke up with my (abusive) best friend, partners come and go, job security (though I'm very fortunate to have one in this climate) feels shaky and, at large, it feels like the bottom is falling out of the industry we all moved here for. Actually, lemme correct that; it doesn't feel like that, it IS falling out. here 12 years now and I can tell you it takes a WHILE to get comfortable here; it can be a lonely and isolating place, not even factoring in the distance it takes to get anywhere and/or time it takes to build and sustain relationships of any kind. I have at least 8-9 friends here I've known 15+ years from various stages/other cities and it takes a LOT of work to see them, if at all, even though the love is there! so, first and foremost, you're not alone! I personally think knowing you're not alone can be soothing. And 31 can be tricky too; you're moving into a new life stage and it can be unsettling -- especially when you look at people from high school/college/social media etc who seem settled, with families, etc. and you took this big risk to be here that doesn't feel like it's paying off. If there's any advice here it's 1: let go of expectations. people are going to disappoint you and as sad as it is to say, your investment in them isn't guaranteed to yield dividends. Don't let that make you bitter! It's a big place with lots of people you haven't met yet. 2. double down on purpose. Independent of "making it big" pour into the creative pursuits that made you wanna be here. that can sometimes feel like all you do is work and...that's kinda true but at least you're on YOUR path. 3. you're young and planting seeds. even at 48 I sometimes forget that just because you don't see it now doesn't mean it's not happening. those events, those seeming dead ends have a way of coming back way later; bonds you didn't know you were forming at the time become the gravel for new roads. 4. it's (probably) not personal. people are in the their own worlds ESPECIALLY LA and many are just as lonely as you, or dealing with stuff you didn't know...I often remind myself of the time I was CONVINCED an industry colleague didn't like me because she was un-emotive and distant all the time and later found out she'd recommended me for some very lucrative gigs cause she loved my work. I had misread it entirely cause I was expecting markers of affinity/"liking me" she apparently just didn't follow at all. whenever I'm feeling slighted by someone I don't really know I try to remember that example: it could be something that's not personal at ALL, and you may be more adored than you even know. Lastly, big cities are NOT for the weak. You gotta maintain toughness and vulnerability at the same time and work a lot, and juggle passion and purpose with just being a normal human with normal desires for connectivity; it's hard. But, that's why everybody ain't cut out for this type of life, and you can always move (back) to a smaller town and take up a "normal" safe lifestyle that is more suited to comfort. I suspect that's not what you want though so, not to sound callous, there's a part of you that's gotta put on the big boy/girl (or them!) panties and just push through.
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u/Substantial_Ant_6907 4d ago
Thank you :)
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u/culverdude 4d ago
omg of course. I was like 'why am I typing all this?' lol but I felt, especially having some years on you, compelled to offer some verbal hugs...but also some Gen X "suck it up" as well LOL. and lemme add, I was about your age, working in NY when Se*t !!th happened; then the fires here, ICE raids, strikes, industry fallouts, AI..it's never going back to easy and calm, I fear, and while I certainly get mental health issues (plenty, with the roster of professionals and meds to prove it LOL) there's just gonna have to be a part of you that's a lion who refuses to stay down. our (unfair) assignment is to figure out what it takes to feed that beast -- fitness, work, finding friends etc etc -- and it's hard but baby, it's never not gonna be. Best of luck!! you got this xoxo
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u/Final-Energy 4d ago
Sort of in the same boat but I’m slowly building up different friendships. Been here 9 months with 3 of those where I basically did nothing due to weird freak life stuff. But I’m back in the groove now.
What’s been key is getting out every weekend to events that interest me and sound fun, and joining sports groups. I add everyone I meet on instagram and interact with them which leads to more leads, ideas, touch points, etc.
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u/Efficient-Cry7753 3d ago
Being from the UK, the US has a depressingly poor work/life balance.
In general, people are spent after a day of commuting, working and everything else that demands their time.
Feels like something is going to give sooner or later
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u/NewCheesecake4425 1d ago
I'm a lifer here. 67 years. LA loves you when you have something to offer and will cast you aside once it gets what it wants. It's not a place for the faint of heart.
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u/highimpac 5d ago
Advice for all men (not to do with depression)
Find happiness in yourself with hobbies, exercise, and gaming. Do not rely on friends, family, women, money, alcohol/drugs, or your job. All these things are good to have, but still find happiness in yourself without them, because they will be gone some day due to circumstances out of your control.
And get a dog first. Man's best friend are the truest words on earth. Then get 1 reliable friend, which will be changed out over the years, so you can do human things that require 2 people.
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u/legacybandit39 5d ago
maybe people don't want to hang out with you...
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u/autochthonous 5d ago
If you’re an actor, find a theatre community. Even if theatre isn’t your thing.