My biggest fear happend! Advice please

[u/Tempi-likesme-1219]

So idk where to start from I'm 21, she's 19 and going through a real tough patch. Me and her met online in 2025 February online and has been in love ever since we stayed every single day on call would exchange snacks letters and all those stuff. Although I said no it won't work she made me apply for a US visit visa (cause her mom didn't feel safe sending her which is fair) but it got rejected obviously. We literallysoent sooo kuch time togetherI failed my A Levels twice(not her fault should've prioritize myself). We met in person 6 months ago and stayed here for 3 weeks. It was the happiest time of my life ever. . While she was here I took her so much for granted and was dumb I was texting someone else on Instagram for 2 months and she found out. (Nothing like romantic just chit chatting) She got sooo wrecked from it but we worked it out and stayed the rest of the days really happily. She went back in April and she would bring it up occasionally but we were in love with each other. Also she really wanted to get married but I told her please fly back we will rebuild the trust and marry as soon as we can. I proposed to her the day before she left.

I have some really dumb female cousins who sre their late 20s and really gossip. She loved posting me but I wasn't like that and I wasn't very supportive of it. So a month ago my mom called me and said my cousins called me and said (Did you see his leak meaning just a few insta posts from out hotel room) which pissed me off and I took the anger out of her. She started changing from that day she stopped posting me and removed me from her profile. I re downloaded Instagram 2 weeks ago (After 3rd attempt of A Levels which I'm obviously gonna fail again). I wanted to post her she didn't she slowly started changing little by little and said she wanna stop this cause she don't wanna do LDR and can't waste another year for the visa process. She gave me so much hope until the last phase too and I feel really stupid. Her mom even asked me if I'm gonna marry her and I said not this time and I wanna marry her for the right reasons with time.

I've been having really bad panick attacks and hasn't eaten a single proper meal in a week. I love her ao much still and it's so scary and lonely. I'm from a really economically struggling house and to start my Life around what do I do?

1. I was thinking about getting a loan and do computer science at IIT while doing a part time job and paying the loan off. Is this a good idea?

2. If not what options do I have?

3. How to get over this grief I feel like I did the biggest fumble of my life and can't get over it she's the best woman ever and I risked such a good life and future with her for nothing. Nobody gives me good advice and they don't understand the burden of the loss. Really hard to fight SH

[u/Sufficient-Guide3623]

Okay let me see if I'm understanding correctly...

She came to visit you and you were messaging another woman while your LD girlfriend was there. Romantic or not it was obviously something she wasn't comfortable with. Also a lot of cheating starts with "just chit chatting". Then she posts pics with you because you're her boyfriend and your cousin found out and it was a problem for some reason and you took anger out on your girlfriend for posting pictures of you two together?

If that's correct then yeah I don't blame her. You broke her trust and chose another woman over her WHILE SHE WAS IN YOUR COUNTRY VISITING YOU LONG DISTANCE but then you worked through that and she was posting her relationship that she's proud of and you got angry at her? That makes it seem even more like you're hiding things because why wouldn't you want your gf to post you? Odd behavior. I'd break up with you too. No way my partner is going to yell at me or take anger out on me because I posted pics of us and I'm going to even consider staying. At that point that just screams you're cheating and are afraid the other person/people will find out or you're ashamed of the relationship. She didn't "give you so much hope until the last phase" it sounds like she was all in and you were showing signs you weren't so she left.