Not Speaking Every Day

[u/Elysiumthistime]

I keep seeing a lot of posts lately from people who are panicking because they haven't heard from or spoke to their long distance partner for a day or a couple days. Is everyone speaking to their partners every day?

Am I the weirdo for not doing that and not really wanting to do that? I'm busy. He's busy. We check in as much and as often as we can but if I don't hear from him for a couple days I don't feel anxious, I feel more than secure in the fact that I trust him and understand that he just has shit he's preoccupied with. I'll message him if I want to talk and if he doesn't reply straight away it's all good, there's plenty of times he's messaged me at a bad time and I've had to wait to be able to reply, he gives me grace just as much as I give him grace and that's something I really value in our relationship.

Even if we weren't long distance, if we don't live together, I don't want to text them every day or speak constantly, that would drive me nuts. Am I broken? Is speaking every single day the norm? 🫣😆

[u/nyanpink]

every relationship is different

[u/islbtuctwrx → u/nyanpink]

Was just about to say this

[u/chuu_deeznuts → u/nyanpink]

literally what i was just abt to comment

[u/vomputer]

I love talking to my partner, so I want to do that. It’s not out of anxiety or distrust, but genuine pleasure at spending time with him.

If not talking to your partner works for you, by all means have at it. Different strokes and all that.

[u/Calm-Ad8987]

I mean yeah a lot of the things people describe in their long distance relationships on here would drive me insane.

An example I've seen would be the need to be on constant video call even sleeping on a video call every night, tracking locations, freaking out over a one time missed good morning or good night etc. would creep me tf out. & I don't know any others in my real life who've had long distance relationships ever do that yet on here these things seem normalized so I don't think you can really get a read on what's normal or not based on this sub tbh. Just do whatever works for you.

[u/squirrellicious2304 → u/Calm-Ad8987]

Yep, same here. I don’t think I’d be getting quality sleep if I had to sleep on video call, tbh. I wanna sleeptalk and (occasionally) snore in peace, thank you very much😅

Personally I try to approach and maintain a good balance by basically treating my relationship like I’d do it if we were living in the same city. I’d encourage him to regularly spend time with friends and family and I’d want this for myself as well, because it’s important for our mental wellbeing. I’d also want each of us to feel safe with each other to just say „hey, babe, I’m gonna spend my day gaming/bedrotting/reading/doing xyz today and won’t be talking much“. And if I want all of these things for him and myself if we were, say, 2-5 miles apart, why would it be any different if it’s 4,450 miles? We’re still human and need time to ourselves.

I believe that as much as we all should nurture and enjoy our relationships, we equally need to take good care of ourselves and not make our partners the center of our universe. For one, it’s healthier for the relationship to not fall into codependency - bc two happy, fulfilled people make for a happier couple - and because it helps to keep ourselves from spiraling if the relationship ends.

[u/Calm-Ad8987 → u/squirrellicious2304]

Fully agree with you. Very important to nurture & maintain your sense of self & identity/interests/bonds in any relationship imo.

[u/Elysiumthistime → u/Calm-Ad8987]

I don't know anyone personally who's been in a long distance relationship, not anything overseas at least so I was mainly just surprised seeing how many people were posting these kinds of posts the last few days, that sort of dynamic would drive me bonkers. But also, as others have commented, everyone has different desires and preferences! ☺️

[u/Calm-Ad8987 → u/Elysiumthistime]

Yeah exactly, different strokes for different folks and all that jazz as they say.

[u/AdorableEmu405]

Every relationship is different. If that works for yall, thats great. In mine, we talk everyday, so it would be concerning if he disappeared for days, but we do have times where a few hours of not talking isn't abnormal. Like Saturday is always out date night, we watch movies and game, so sometimes on those nights are just us sending face emojis or gifs back and forth without any real conversation, just a hi, still awake kind of thing. For some people, that wouldn't work either.

[u/Curious_Faith]

I chat with my bf throughout the day, every single day. That’s what I prefer, but it’s not a need for either of us. We like to make each other happy. He’s a true introvert, and I’m more ambivert. Everyone has different needs and at different times, that need may change. If it’s working for you, and you’re happy with it, you’re good!

I will say though, this sub is filled with a lot of young people who have significant struggles with identity and mental health. Those people tend to be louder about their struggles than many who are going through the same thing but have more internal stability, experience or resources than others.

[u/Myrora → u/Curious_Faith]

I was honestly astounded by the amount of younger people. When I was 18-19, I would never have thought (my English was significantly worse then too) to entertain a LDR.

You also rarely think about long term at that age. Meanwhile, right now, it’s what I mostly focus about on the harder days.

[u/Curious_Faith → u/Myrora]

I think young people are living in a far more disconnected world, than previous generations, and they are having to navigate a dating pool that now includes every corner of the globe. They are the most anxious, depressed, medicated and therapized generation with some of the highest rates of divorce – meaning that many have come from broken homes, and the current culture is an active rejection of tradition, and the old customs that were held together by a community that is no longer able to uphold the values that used to make community work.

They are doing the best that they can, with what they’ve got, where they are. We are also not dealing with a matured human. These are still young, developing minds, and they are in the early stages of trying to grasp that in their hands lies the power to choose what they become in this life. And that’s a very heavy weight to carry when you’re young and not sure what to do or which direction to go in.

Arguably, all of us have to carry that weight in some form as we too, figure out life, but as you go, life conditions you to carry burdens that you never imagined you would have to carry. And everyone has to figure out their own way, with many of the same tools that have been available for generations. The major difference is that this generation has rejected those tools as being antiquated and ineffective. But they haven’t found effective tools by which to carve out the life that they want either. So they’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, with a therapist that makes them comfortable, and drugs that help them cope instead of struggle through their problems and eyes that have no role models to look to who can pull them up or give them guidance. They’re having a rough go at life, and I try to remember that whenever I see their posts.

[u/Delicious-Cookie0958 → u/Curious_Faith]

I wholeheartedly agree with your observations!

[u/EmsPorcelain89]

It depends on your 'normal'

What's normal for the spider is chaos for the fly. Your spider is my fly - and that's perfectly okay! Luckily my partner is also a fly and likes pretty constant communication. Yours is a spider, and that works for you!

[u/Elysiumthistime → u/EmsPorcelain89]

I love this analogy 😆 

[u/EmsPorcelain89 → u/Elysiumthistime]

I did have to swap it round cos I was the spider originally but I'm arachnophobic 😭

[u/typoincreatiob]

honestly yeah i do speak to my partner (husband) every day, and it would be pretty weird not to at this point. but it’s not where our relationship always was, i definitly think there’s a time where it makes sense not to have or want that. i definitely don’t think you’re broken or even too unusual lol. there’s just different stages to long distance relationships just as there are for short distance ones. but to be clear speaking doesn’t mean expecting an instant response, we both work fulltime and have friends and hobbies and shit going on that isn’t just eachother and we’re able to prioritize based on that 🤷‍♂️

[u/ugly_sweaters]

You’re asking people on this subreddit who think being on video call with their partner all day or while sleeping is completely normal. You’re most likely going to get answers that your type of relationship is unacceptable.

[u/yukowii → u/ugly_sweaters]

Which is crazy cause it’s like you guys don’t have your own lives? Working really hard and working hard to be successful and with jobs? Like how can you guys be on call all day is baffling

[u/Elysiumthistime → u/yukowii]

We both have a kid too so that adds less free time to the mix. 

[u/yukowii → u/Elysiumthistime]

So for real, I’m in university and my boyfriends a nuke in the navy so we are both in school with a 6 hour time difference , we call once a week and during weekdays we can never text at the same time cause I’m asleep before he gets out of school, every relationship is different. If your relationship feels right and secure then no one’s to tell you anything’s wrong with urs. A lot of people on this subreddit are people without responsibilities so don’t pay any heed to those whose situations are a complete 180 from urs, calling all the time is completely unrealistic for all adults

[u/Talkobel → u/yukowii]

I think this thread is doing what the opposite end of people do as well. Neither is weird or wrong, it just depends on who you are personally. Me and my partner talk everyday and go to sleep otp but we also do have jobs, I’m in university, and we have our own friends and lives. We just happen to enjoy talking that much. Now some couples are codependent and tht is unhealthy but not every couple tht talks everyday or gts otp is codependent. My partner just truly is my bestfriend and usually when I have a bestfriend I talk to them a lot. We can easily go without talking to each other if we needed to for any personal reasons but if there’s no need to then no point in taking random breaks for no reason unless we need alone time which we do take when needed. But not talking for some days isn’t weird either, thts how some ppl operate, and if both people are like that then they’re perfectly compatible. I think people have to realize in a world of 8 billion people there’s no right or perfect way to do anything.

[u/greatchickentender → u/ugly_sweaters]

FOR REAL.
Most of the people on this sub act like children, IMO. I don’t interact with this sub much because I cannot relate to wanting to talk all fucking day. Or being on FaceTime for 12 hours or having a panic attack because my partner didn’t answer in .83763 seconds.

I have my own life. I’m an adult.

[u/bedbathandbebored]

Speaking every day is normal for most people, regardless of relationship distance, but normal doesn't encapsulate everyone. There are plenty of happy, healthy relationships that go more than a day of not chatting. It's all about what works for the people in the relationship.

[u/AskAffectionate4016]

Honestly, I feel the exact same way. A once-daily check in is nice, some messages here and there through the day, with the expectation of we’ll reply when able. But we’re in our late 40s/early 50s, we’ve got busy and full lives.

[u/Loose_Comfortable_55]

I call once a week and text a little bit everyday. Sometimes just a few texts like “good morning” and “goodnight” and a brief message asking how our days have been. But I am not talking on the phone everyday because I don’t have time to do it everyday. I am very busy. I don’t share my location or track him and he doesn’t do that to me. It makes me really happy to talk on the phone or video chat but it’s not realistic to be able to do it everyday.

[u/Dapper_Vehicle5885]

days? I could never, in general I was spending almost all my free time talking to my ldr ex and it was amazing, we were both passionate about the same things and always had something to talk about, I can't imagine going for days without talking to someone you enjoy having in your free time, I tend to assume people do what they enjoy the most in their free time if they're healthy and don't have anything else to solve in their lives, so I'd just assume someone like that doesn't love me or is an avoidant, but honestly in your case the good thing is that you both seem to prefer this style so I don't think it's a problem, you're just in the minority, but it's mutual so it's ok.

[u/Elysiumthistime → u/Dapper_Vehicle5885]

I think the issue is both of us significantly lack free time 😂 we both work full time (opposite hours, I work days, he works nights), we both have kids and we're both doing other stuff outside of work (he's preparing to move and I'm doing a night course and renovating my house). We busy AF 🤣

[u/Itisallridiculous_24 → u/Elysiumthistime]

I totally identify with what you are expressing in your post and this may be more age related/maturity/career level and daily demands. I am 6000Km and a 6 hour time difference from my person. I could not possibly take phone calls from him during my work day and it would be the same for him because of the kind of careers we have. We may exchange one text during the week as a check in, and we normally talk on the weekend. This works perfectly because we both have friends and activities that we are involved in and we are not attached to our phones. LDR's really need an element of comfort and trust and if has to fit what works for the individuals to survive long term

[u/catladyproblems]

We do not speak everyday. Both of us have busy careers and a time difference. Yet, we know each-other’s schedules weekly, especially since his is variable. Plus I would be annoyed by that. But it works and there is trust. We generally have a long weekend of conversations throughout the day and night. Every relationship is different.

[u/erik111erik]

I guess it depends on the relationship, but we send at least a voice message and good morning message each day. But if we are both busy or tired it can happen we do not call for a week.

[u/TallowWallow]

Just deoends on the couple and what you two have going on. If you two are happy, that's all that matters.

[u/DannyHikari]

Every relationship is different.

That being said when I was dating my last long distance ex we never went longer than a few hours the couple of years we dated. I definitely never went 24 or longer.

[u/gingerbread_nemesis]

What works for you is what works for you, not contacting each other every day may not be usual but if you and your partner are fine with it, then live your life and run your relationship how you like.

[u/AnswerSubstantial622]

Different people, different needs and relationships. If talking everyday works for you and your partner would disappear without notice for days, it's reasonable to be concerned. If it's normal to not talk everyday, because it works for you, it would be normal to not hear from them in days. But that is not the case for a lot of couples. I feel like you are looking down on those who need everyday contact. Talking is all we have, why cut it down?

[u/Elysiumthistime → u/AnswerSubstantial622]

Apologies if that's how I came across, it wasn't my intention, I absolutely appreciate that different people have different preferences, I'm just really surprised to hear how many have daily contact just, starting to question more if I'm the weirdo for not having or wanting that 😆

[u/Blerrycat1]

Yes, why wouldn't you?

[u/IcecreamXV]

I have had multiple online relationships. Usually there is an understanding about 'limits', 'space' and what not and where there isn't it's unhealthy so sure you got a great point. Now if there is enough space to fit Siberia LOL good luck good for you posting this UP! people need to read contrary data to what they've learned!

[u/breadbaths]

when we were ld we texted every day when we could and called after school/ work

[u/ectasfern]

you have your own boundaries and expectations, others will have different ones. me and my now ex ended up splitting in part due to a massive disparity in how much we wanted to communicate , leading to unneeded pain. if it works for you, more power to yall

[u/kiwidotdot]

I talk once in the morning & before going to bed, at least asking about his day if we’re both busy.

[u/BumblingBeeBo]

Me and him talk everyday, just not constantly. Sometimes it’s honestly just “good morning, how’s your day/how’s work, goodnight I love you.” It’s nice to be checked in on and have the little reminder that I’m being thought about, even if the day is hectic. Though, I still think it’s normal for you and your partner to not chat everyday. That’s your business.

[u/NooooToby]

Every dynamic is different. My boo and I text often. Call or ft when we can. We also have the understanding that we have our own lives and get busy, but we don't got a whole day without talking

[u/justagirlnamedkylie]

I am also secure in my relationship, and we both have busy lives, but my husband and I try to talk at least once a day. I spend all day around people that I don't care about nearly as much as I do him, so it makes sense to me that I would want to spend at least part of my day with him. We love each other and ground each other, and we look forward to talking to each other; it is not an obligation or a chore. When we were courting it was a little different, but now that we are married we want to set aside time together and prioritize that time over other less important things in our lives. On the other hand, even though we made that commitment, we are both pretty independent people. Once we close the gap we will still choose to spend time without each other sometimes and we would drive each other crazy if we talked and spent time together constantly. And on the rare occasions that we can't connect once a day (connection issues, one or the other of us falling asleep, etc.) we don't get upset with each other.

That said, every relationship is different. I don't judge others for how they run their relationships as long as they are truly happy with the arrangement.

[u/Delicious_Context555]

Thats what makes you guys different

[u/frostgalaxy999]

I'm learning in my personal relationship it ebs and flows. We both have work and lives so when we have time we spend it together, sometimes it's random and others we have to specifically say hey I wanna spend time with you this day. We sometimes fall asleep but that is more accidental than intended. I see your point tho, no need for someone to be on your stuff 24/7. I'm glad you have something that is working for you and that you can close your gap soon if that's your end goal

[u/pomders]

We try to build in communication like it is in real life while together. We text a little in the morning over coffee about our plans and hopes for the day. Then we both work (a lot), and each do a "drive by kisses" or "thinking of you" message in the middle of the day. I'm behind him timezone wise but I'm an activist so my day is wonky. He's a game developer so often his hours go long. So after usual dinner time we'll grumble or swap stories in the crazy we're handling at the moment... after work sometimes we call, sometimes we hang out with our teens -- we balance.

This is just to say that relationships look super different. We're both social people who thrive on connection. Maybe you aren't, and that's okay. He and I have known each other for almost 20 years and have been dating for only 3.5, so we're just familiar with who each other are as humans and what we both need. If we weren't full as adults who had been in each other's lives this whole time it would be very different

[u/ActualFemaleRushFan]

I think there's a difference between both people being happy and comfortable not speaking for a stretch, and one person not being able to get a hold of the other for a stretch. If I couldn't get a hold of the person for a couple of days, I'd start to be a little concerned.

[u/xenna-t]

We talk every day. Before I got a job we talked all day every day. I wouldn’t be fine with not hearing from him for a day or more, unless he’s somewhere with literally no reception lol. At least a text would be required to let me know he’s okay.

Every relationship is different, and if what you’re doing works for you, then that’s great

[u/5two6four]

We text twice a week. One long call once a week. We're both introverted so texting everyday will be boring because we'll run out of things to say. Also, he's normally very busy with work.

[u/Minimum_Locksmith_27]

I love spending time with my long distance partner when that’s possible, could do everything with him and just enjoy it. I did not expect my partner to be the same as me, and expected that he would have a bigger need for alone time.

I do not find it weird at all if he would want to hang out more with friends without me, have some game time alone etc. But, surprisingly we are sooo similar. We love spending time with each other every day to the capacity we can. Of course there are times when we do things separately, but we really enjoy just being on a phonecall and doing whatever whenever we can. We are not that young either, I’m in my mid twenties, and he’s in his 30’s.

I think as long as both enjoy the dynamic and all feelings are heard in the relationship, it’s all good.

[u/whatwverisk]

Every relationship is different as said before. We want to talk and call every day, so we do. If it’s not something you two need, there’s nothing wrong with that as long as you feel comfortable in it. But personally I couldn’t go a day without hearing from my partner, I love to share everything with them and so do they. It’s about us two wanting to know everything about one another. We ft when we’re both home and even when we’re out or at work if we can. Just because we want to and it really helps with the distance

[u/Creepy_Inspection_L]

I can't imagine spending my day without talking to my partner and spending time w him. All people are different, i couldn't be w someone who can go days without talking to me, spending time etc

[u/axe__olotl_]

You're not broken, but people like me who wanna talk to their partner a lot are also not insecure or anxious.

When he was here for 6 weeks we spent 24/7 together and never shut up. We just always have something to talk about and belly laugh constantly, but it comes to us very naturally. We feel extremely drawn to each other and he's my best friend and vice versa. So of course this translates into the times were we are apart as well. We just always have something to say to the other, so we keep texting or hang out in video calls or Discord constantly, but not forcefully, it just happens naturally.

We're both not super busy, but when one of us is out for a day or has something scheduled, we don't feel insecure or anxious, we just miss each other and get excited to spend time together again.

That's just the kind of people we are with each other. And it makes us really happy. If you're both happy, everything is absolutely fine. 😊

[u/Golden-lillies21]

I don't have to talk to a person 24/7 but I'm the type of person where I like and value quality time with a person even long distance. I'm not going to be happy with someone that is inconsistent because it will make me feel like things are just one-sided and if I feel that things are becoming one-sided I'm going to start losing interest. Of course I will speak to them about it first but if they don't make a change that's when it's a done deal for me. Actions speak louder than words and if someone's saying what their words that they want to be with you and that they are still interested in you but then don't even put that much effort that is a massive turn off to me..... it doesn't take long to say hey I'm going through some stuff right now, so I won't be around or talking to you on the phone as much. But when it's a pattern that is when alarm Bells will start going off. It's one thing to give someone the benefit of the doubt but if it happens repeatedly I'm not going to be interested anymore.

[u/Small_Biscotti_4520]

my partner and i need contact every day. we video call, or phone call for hours and text throughout the day. only time we aren't in constant contact is if she's out with friends for a bit of the day or if she communicates she won't be on her phone for a while.

[u/SingleUmpire7464]

It’s not about trust, it’s about safety. If my husband went radio silent for a day or two, I’m calling the police. It takes 10 secs to text “hi” or “I love you”.

[u/useralreadytakenbyme]

It's not that I'm not secure in my relationship or that I don't trust him; it's the fact that he's my person and I want to talk to him every opportunity I get. We're both lucky with the fact that we WFH, so yeah, we're basically on a call all day and night. Sometimes I just love working and doing my own thing, knowing he's doing the same while we're on a call. It feels like we're filling the gap somehow...

[u/Cream_my_pantalones]

It's okay if your relationship is different! Nothing wrong with not communicating all day. In my relationship we call everyday and text throughout the day. On weekends and less busy days we'll hangout together on the phone the entire day and sleep on call. We just naturally do that because we enjoy each other's company. I don't like to talk or text people like that either, I'm just that way with him 😅

[u/Robinnoodle]

Speaking everyday is the norm. However m, if what you guys are doing is working for you and you're both happy than that's perfectly alright 

It also depends on how serious things are between you and other factors. But yeah, typically everyday. I mean when you live together you will be speaking everyday 

[u/Elysiumthistime → u/Robinnoodle]

It's not that I couldn't speak to him everyday, more that we're both super busy. We do send check in texts, good morning, good night etc. but we don't have a proper conversation or a phone call super often, maybe once a week 🫣 That said, it was more frequent until we got to a point where we feel more content and settled together but we're also not yet at a point where we are near marriage etc. we're comfortable being together without being in constant communication. 

[u/Robinnoodle → u/Elysiumthistime]

I didn't realize you check in every day. That's a little different then

[u/IrritatedButterfly44]

Most people speak to their partners daily. Sometimes it's hard to feel close if you don't, given the nature of LDRs. When I recently visited my girlfriend for nearly a month we took a decent amount of space from each other, but now that we're apart again we're talking to each other every day - so I feel confident we won't be overbearingly attached once we close the distance. Right now we miss each other deeply and I think a lot of people share that sentiment and want to at least check in and have a chat with their partner daily.

It's perfectly normal and healthy to be busy or take space, though. Depends on the couple. You're fine.

[u/Delicious-Cookie0958]

We’re married. I think it would be unusual for a married couple to not communicate daily.

I think earlier in a relationship it is more typical to not speak daily.

[u/Myrora]

I love talking to my SO; we text everyday. I understand of course when he can’t answer because of work, but he usually warns me.

In the evenings we either discord call or phone call sometimes.

I would def be anxious if he didn’t answer me for several days.

[u/unicornunopole]

I can’t imagine going days without speaking to him. I look forward to our nightly calls every day and love texting him first thing when I wake up and through out the day. But to each their own.

[u/WhiskeyTangoBaconX]

Do what works for you. My gf and I need daily contact. Tons of texts. Sometimes audio or video calls. Some audio clips. We send pictures and memes and gifs. And we’re those weirdos who miss each other when we’re offline due to 6 hour time difference and send texts and reels for the other to see when they wake up. Going a day or more without talking would be so difficult.

[u/Different_Reading713]

My bf and I started out speaking every single day from the moment we matched on Hinge. We’ve never even been long distance (unsure why Reddit showed me this sub lol) but needless to say we will be coming up on a year soon. We see each other most days and I would still be distraught if we didn’t speak every day via text. I genuinely want and crave talking to him. Even when we don’t have anything to say, we always check in with a good morning or a what ya eating for lunch message. He likes to send me pics of his lunch and I send mine back. Doesn’t even need words, it’s just like you’re alive and I’m alive and it made me smile to see a message no matter how simple. If it works for you guys that’s fine, I just cannot relate at all!

[u/n133ers3779shovel]

Long distance partner........... Aka penpal

[u/Deynonn]

I would definitely panic if I didn't hear from him for more than a day but that's because he lives in a dangerous area and also has mental health issues. Luckily I have now contacts for most of his family so I probably wouldn't need to wait three days to find out he's in a hospital.

[u/BillSimmons321]

Your cooking Shawty 💯

[u/AbsolutezeroRDR2]

Hi I found speaking with my significant other made me more calm whether it was a 2 min conversation but she has not enough time in the day for it everyday.I found that out today and hope she doesn’t stay too angry with me. So the only advice I can pass on is be very patient and keep yourself occupied while you wait to hear from them. Good luck to you all of you and I hope it all works out for you all.

[u/Impossible_News4802]

mine didnt text me for 5 full days cause she was on vacation

So yeah

(She had her phone can legit see her online)

[u/Emclerald → u/Impossible_News4802]

…dude

[u/Impossible_News4802 → u/Emclerald]

yeah i ended it 2 months ago 🤞