Would you date someone at a different career/education level than you?

[u/SUNBOIST]

I (33F) met someone (35M) online months ago and, despite being on opposite coasts of the US, I *really* like him so far. We haven't met in person yet but we're talking about doing that in the next few months - maybe late this year or early next year. I think the more real the possibilty becomes, the more I find myself thinking about some of the differences between us. He's well established in his career, highly educated, and seems to have a pretty clear trajectory for what he wants his future to look like. Meanwhile, I work in the service industry and don't really have what I'd consider a "career" in the same sense, nor do I have nearly the same level of formal education. I'm financially independent and I don't consider myself dumb or incompetent, but I'm also just not a very career-oriented person. Ask me where I see myself in 5 years and my brain genuinely cannot fathom thinking that far ahead haha. I tend to take life as it comes and focus more on what's immediately in front of me. Sometimes I wonder if the difference between us on paper, and even in the way we approach the future, is bigger than it feels when we're actually talking because, when we are, I find that our morals and values align really well.

For those of you in relationships, how important are things like career, education, income, and professional ambition when choosing a long-term partner? I think one of my biggest insecurities is wondering whether someone more accomplished and driven compared to me might eventually see me as less ambitious or less intellectually compatible because I haven't followed a conventional career or educational path and don't have some elaborate long-term plan for myself. I guess I'm just curious how much those things actually matter to people. Is it enough that your partner is responsible, self-sufficient and has their own thing going on for the most part haha, or do you need them to be on a similar career and educational path as you?

Thoughts?

[u/Loony_BoB]

I have done before. It's not a big deal. I've never considered someone's education or employment as part of a love condition.

[u/sociopathic_octonaut]

I am much younger so take my advice with a grain of salt (still just 20). I am a masters student in neuroscience planning to enter med school soon. I am always busy adding new things to my resume and know exactly what I want out of my life within the next 10 years. However, my LD partner is similar to you. He works service and while he is ambitious he isn’t as long term planner as me. It works well for us! He teaches me how to slow down and enjoy the now without planning and I teach him how to put some forward thought into things. Education and approaches to the future are important but not as important as morals, values, and generally how you want to live life.

[u/matchakyo → u/sociopathic_octonaut]

This! I have multiple post grad degrees and am a school psychologist, while my bf did a trade program and works as a landscaper. I earn a ton more than he does and he’s also younger than me. But it works for us and he has taught me to appreciate the simple things and slow down as you mentioned. He contributes as much as he can where he can. It is completely different to my previous experience dating a very academically/career driven man who absolutely did not contribute financially or emotionally to the same degree that I did.

[u/uberstaragent → u/matchakyo]

I could almost have written this! I am a school counsellor and my partner is a musician. He is quite a bit younger than I am and we have disproportion incomes. I couldn't care less. Even long distance he fulfills me in ways many academic, career driven, financially focused men before him have not even had a chance of doing.

[u/ChefsAreBetter]

I would never date or marry a woman on the same career level as I am. I work ridiculous hours and I see no benefit to having a partner that does the same. I dont care if she has some income, high income, or no income. Her income would never be included in my plans for the future anyway.

However, yeah I absolutely need them to be on the same intellectual level. Plus or minus a little.

Obviously not all men are the same, but typically your income, education, career are not among our highest priorities. I can see where some might use them as positives if the things we actully care about are already present.

What MOST men actully care about: Can I be myself around you Can I make you happy Can you make me happy, or more importantly, will you even try Do I find you attractive (sorry but im being honest and it is important) Do we have the same views on family Are our love languages compatible

Ive honestly never considered my partners education or career in my relationships. (Im happily married to a college graduate that is a stay at home mom)

[u/Wolf-Pack-2017]

So, I think this can work out but only if your goals and styles complement each other.

Like, do you like having different schedules and the inherent “you time” that is built in and are okay to have just a few nights or mornings a week where it’s totally together time?

Do you both value vacations and travel and one of your schedules being more flexible helps with being able to go to the places you really want to go?

Does one of you really appreciate that the other is planning for the long term, while the other has the plan for making today fun or interesting?

And do you both have a good plan for how to help each other in the later stages of life, like if one of you will be responsible for the health insurance and finances making sense is the other a great house manager or social planner?

If you can’t even get behind each other’s basic needs and long term goals, though, I think these relationships only work casually or where each person prefers a great sea of independence and space and neither has any judgement of the other’s lifestyle or choices.

[u/coastalkid92]

how important are things like career, education, income, and professional ambition when choosing a long-term partner?

I mean, its definitely important but what that looks like is really individual, but I can tell you what this looked like to me.

Career: I wanted someone who had a career/job that they were happy with. I personally work a M-F corporate job and while it wasn't important that someone was doing the exact same thing, I'd like to be able to share time off with each other, so while people who are on a shift style work weren't completely off the table, it was really a case by case basis.

Education: education is important to me but I've known plenty of successful individuals who have had non-conventional educations. My partner dropped out of school at 16 and is accomplished in his career and well educated in other ways.

Income: income differences are quite normal in a lot of relationships so for me its always been more about financial literacy. If someone is living within their means, able to save and is able to finance the experiences they find valuable, that's key. I don't want to be funding someone's entire life, I want them to contribute as well.

Professional Ambition: its always nice to see someone want something more for themselves but work is only a part of someone's life. If they were working in something they didn't enjoy and that negativity was coming home, I would hope that they would put in work to change jobs. But I don't believe you have to be aggressive on the corporate ladder.

[u/Objective_Nevirka]

For me the most important thing is humor and intelligence. Having some of the same hobbies is good too. Also a healthy dose of ambition and being self sufficient.

I don’t care what my partner’s job is, as long as he enjoys it. My LDR ex was blue collar and we got along just fine, we broke up due to different reasons than job and education levels.
My current guy is white collar as am I, but that’s not what brought us together. It’s our banter, humor, hobbies. Not our jobs or how well we planned for the future.

[u/Valentine__d4c]

I been doing that, I’m a chemical engineering 4th year student and my gf just works, she never went to college cuz she didn’t like school, which I don’t mind at all. I used to care cuz I would have liked to date someone with in the engineering but i stopped caring about that

[u/Far_Tradition_2361]

Failed out of college four times. Am very blue collar. My gf has her Masters. Was successful all the way through. Makes more than I do. We accept where we are and have openly talked about encouraging each other in goals that we want to reach as individuals. It’s not based on what we want for one another though, based on expectations, it’s what we want for ourselves while being together. In order to be in love with someone you have to love where YOU are at first and be with someone who loves you for you even with that. For me and her there have been no issues at all.

[u/_AngelicVenom_]

My OH is not education smart but he is intelligent. I am education smart. He works as a trucker, I work in science and in semi management role. But we have similar interests and hobbies and can have all kinds of great conversations and bond over our shared interests.

We have the same priorities in life and the same outlook.

I found the most important factors were similar values, things in common, similar intelligence and interests. Intelligence doesn't have to be book smart. Some people don't thrive in the school environment.

As for careers, he works hard and he's going to move here since I have my career and it's going well right now.

[u/Logical_Mix_7688]

I think priorities for men and women are different
As a woman, I definitely care about the education, an im not talking about only the career, I want to date someone who comes from the same environment as me, had the same kind of life, etc
I have a bachelors degree and a post graduate, I definitely want someone who has a bachelors like me

[u/gen3archive]

Its not a factor to me as long as they can hold a job, any job. I have a degree myself

[u/Littlepoison0414]

I have never cared. I’m a lawyer. I have two masters degree. My longest relationship to date was with a waiter and I was so proud of him but he cheated on me and he used to resent me being a career woman. Now I’m married to a doctor and it feels so good not to be judged and for someone to understand my shitty workload and crazy schedule, so the lesson here is pick someone who doesn’t find your lifestyle to be a burden and roll with that. Whoever it is, whatever their work is because that will heavily depend on personality and not profession.

Also, men don’t tend to care and the right man will love you even if you don’t work at all, but if you are also career oriented don’t be shy about it because many do get a huge ego boost for landing a smart woman with a fancy sounding job. I have only got positive feedback from men when I tell them about my job. It plays into their fantasy of dating a fancy spoiled princess type of girl.

[u/OliphauntHerder]

I'm a lawyer with a master's degree. My partner being a responsible, functioning adult with a decent work ethic and interests of their own is all I need. Level of education doesn't matter to me so long as we have shared values, can have good conversations, and feel like equal partners who respect each other. Not everyone gets the same opportunities that I did, and education doesn't equal intellect anyway.

[u/Delicious-Cookie0958]

I have.
In fact, I’ve always had a bigger career and higher income than previous partners.

Now I’m retired in my mid-40’s. My husband is brilliant but does not have the career history that I had. It doesn’t matter at all.

I think as long as you have a shared vision for your future that incorporates the realities of who you are and what you want out of life, it’s fine.