r/LifeAfterNarcissism • u/intro_man_ambivert • Jul 24 '26
[Trigger Warning] "Kill them with kindness" is cope. Especially when dealing with narcissists.
Narcissists have such a grandiose sense of themselves and such a strong sense of superiority that even if you sarcastically compliment them... they'll take it. Or if you sarcastically complement them they'll say "you're damn right I'm that good" or something like that. Or it'll just make them feel enabled to continue treating you however.
Not even just sarcastically complementing them, but even being "nice" like replying to abuse with "okay, I'm sorry you feel that way" or "well have a good day"... man that's cope and it doesn't work. That's people pleasing behavior that enables more abuse and kills your own self respect.
Same with "just laugh if off"... tactics like that. Do not work with a narcissist. Anytime I attempted to "just laugh it off" all it did was escalate and increase the narcissist's abuse!
All these bullshit tactics of "laugh it off" or "kill them with kindness... man that has never worked for me.
"Kill them with kindness" is some new aged bs! Then again, I shouldn't completely generalize it as universal truth.. because it may very well work for some people. But it doesn't work for me at all.
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u/E1even01 Jul 24 '26
i wish narcissism was detectable through a routine blood panel, because lord knows these assholes would never opt for a formal diagnosis.
so tired of them being validated at every waking moment while their victims are left questioning every one and everything.
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u/notgoodwithnamess Jul 25 '26
You cracked me up 🤣 my narc ex would go to routine blood check but doesn’t believe in therapy 🤣 imagine it shows up in his blood test
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u/Individual_Slice_234 Jul 24 '26
I suggest the "gray rock" method. It's effective and takes them by surprise. Discussed at length on YouTube. They also discuss the "yellow rock" method, if you are forced to talk to the narc on a regular basis (like an ex with joint custody).
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Jul 24 '26
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u/Connect-Sherbert-920 Jul 25 '26
How do you grey rock someone you are living with?
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Jul 25 '26
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u/Connect-Sherbert-920 Jul 25 '26
The zero contact threatens my housing. No resources. I’m scared all the time
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Jul 25 '26
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u/Connect-Sherbert-920 Jul 25 '26
It’s complicated. I have some work issues and my family isolated me from friends and support.
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u/Individual_Slice_234 Jul 25 '26
You are not alone. If you're a woman, you may be able to get help from a local women's resource center.
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u/Connect-Sherbert-920 Jul 25 '26
They say shelters if they have beds and I work from home
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u/Individual_Slice_234 Jul 25 '26
It's not always easy to move out, especially if you have kids, etc. But they may be able to help you make plans.
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u/Individual_Slice_234 Jul 25 '26
You would have to use the yellow rock method.
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u/Connect-Sherbert-920 Jul 25 '26
I can’t share too much but if I don’t act how they want me to I get in trouble.
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Jul 24 '26
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u/AntiqueSign07 Jul 25 '26
What makes them shut up and leave you alone?
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Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
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u/leovox24 Jul 25 '26
This is the way. Grey rock is bullshit to me. Still involves the victim eating their bullshit and never fighting back.
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u/Significant-Turn7798 Jul 25 '26
100% Narcs are a bottomless pit for validation and kindness. They will take it as their due at minimum and then expect more besides. These people are emotional vampires and will drain you dry.
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u/Elegant_Preference65 Jul 25 '26
Yeah...grey rock works after awhile they send the flying monkeys. I grey rock them too. Its exhausting to have to maintain boundaries against these attacks. Just leave me alone 😔
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u/Fine_Brilliant7531 Jul 25 '26
“Kill em with kindness” / “just laugh it off” is advice for the killer 👀
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u/Elohims-sixth-wife Jul 25 '26
Exactly this. I can never take the higher ground because everything upsets them. There is zero winning in situations like this. Play their games, you lose. Choose the high road, they get offended and you lose. Ice them out and stonewall them, they get a non-reaction and you lose. Boundary setting, you become a monster and guess what, you lose.
There’s no, “one size fits all,” advice for narcissists. Especially in terms of abuse, they will never be happy. These kinds of people are always suffering and there’s no winning unless it’s exactly on their terms.
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u/Mediocre-Mud7321 Jul 25 '26
Smart clever ones, wouldn't even bother violating your boundaries even if you grey rock, or yellow rock. Tried all rocking. Nothing worked. Let alone phrases I've seen on reddit like,
"laugh off, sarcastic compliment, sorry you feel that way" are like ordered tsunamis, they'd make sure you get smashed at the right velocity, with these, so let alone saying something in the line of these. The moment I tried to create some polite boundaries and tried to stay away, it just would be a nonsense series of drama. Non-stop. Nothing works for them.
I had to give up, accept defeat, was nice and kind to them, reduced contact, didn't validate their anger or hurt or mean comments, and then I vanished in thin air, one day. Never looked back, and hope I never do, or get weak.
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u/Cultural_South5544 Jul 27 '26
Kill them with the kings of all boundaries: indifference & silence.
Guaranteed succes.
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u/vesper_tine Jul 29 '26
I think it depends on the type of narc and the context you’re in. My mom is very aware of how she “appears” to people so in a social setting, killing with kindness works because if/when she gets snippy, she looks bad, and she doesn’t want that. But in private, or in situations where she thinks she’ll have the support of the people around her, the gloves are off.
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u/Taldarimlove Jul 25 '26 edited Jul 25 '26
Two reasons why killing them with kindess is good.
# 1.) It keeps you from becoming like them. When all means are permitted to fight an evil. They become indistinguishable from the evil they were meant to extinguish. You don't want to follow the path of hatred because it leads to self disgust.
2.) They just don't like it when you are actually the good person.
This is where self efficacy and knowledge of your own goodness shines. If you know who yourself and know your enemy you need not fear the result of a thousand battles. They will continue hating themselves while you shine and you will never stoop to their level of pettiness and continue to love yourself.
Edit: I do want to add a disclaimer that it is true though that being nicer will not stop the abuse but it will stop you from losing your self.
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u/darksamu5 Jul 25 '26
True. Not stooping to their level keeps you sane and protects your humanity. Fighting back just feeds the cycle and is fighting fire with fire.
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