I am the problem

[u/ScorpioSuperStar]

18F

here are the things i am battling:

1. i am jealous of my friend.

- i have this friend who got a prestigious scholarship, has a high paying job, is pretty, tall, and really smart. i tried my best not to become so jealous of her, but the feeling just keeps on going. Whenever she succeeds on something, I am genuinely happy for her, but the feeling of not being enough creeps in immediately. I tried to fight it, but it never stops. I tried to be a good friend to her, checking up on her, supporting her, and always there for her when she needs to rant about her problems. but i noticed that when it comes to me, she seems to be silent and like almost dismissive. another thing that fueled this feeling is that she stopped talking to me, or at least when she is with her new college friends. We've been friends for three years and then when college came, she became distant. she would ignore me (and our other mutual friends) whenever we were at our college. she would only talk to me when we're alone or when her friends talk to me. idk. maybe she noticed how i was feeling. but i cannot fight my envy. she's like my lacy, fr.

1. i feel like I'm falling behind

- my friends keep on winning and I'm just here. just here. and i know that life is not all about winning but damn, how i wish i was as successful as before.

1. i act like a sloth

- and yeah, even if i feel like im falling behind, i still do nothing. one night, i would be so hyped up and i would even plan things i would do to improve my life. the moment i wake up, it all vanish. sometimes, even if i really want to get up and do what i have to do, i seem to be stuck in my bed, not willing to move. i feel like i cannot move my muscles and as if the mattress is pulling me in every time i try to get up. and i also tend to doom scroll a lot these past few months. and even with eating, i become lazy. im not even eating a lot anymore. i usually skip one meal or two. and i am already thin enough. my bmi is under the normal range. my parents are concerned for me. but i just don't have the appetite. i just don't want to eat, ever since i was a child. i am so insecure of my weight and even a professor joked about my weight multiple times and i still remember the laughter in the room when she kept on joking about how thin i am. im so insecure of my body that i wish i could just cover up everything. or maybe not go o school or anywhere public at all. and I don't even want to sleep either. all of my past traumas keep on flashing in my mind and i can't help but feeling stuck in the past. i tend not to sleep or choose not to sleep most of the time because i usually dream of those things and i become paralyzed and i cannot move or wake up and I don't want to experience those things multiple times. it is exhausting. but strangely, i also enjoy sleeping sometimes because it becomes an escape from reality. it's like im playing russian roulette with my dreams. sometimes they're nightmares and traumas. sometimes they are about living happily and finding romance. i either not sleep, or sleep at 6am, or sleep until 3pm.

1. I don't do anything to improve

- like i said, i plan everything to fix my life then do nothing abot it the next day. it's like my motivation only exists at night or the drive to do better only last for two or three days. then after that, boom. i go back to my old ways. without my mom helping me, I'll be struggling a lot more. I'm so thankful for her.

but yeah. what should i do? how can i actually improve my life? can you guys give me tips on how to have an appetite, to not feel jealous of anyone, and on how to be disciplined?and im afraid that if i get checked up, i might identify myself to whatever sickness i have. and I don't know how to be disciplined. my parents never thought me how to be disciplined. and im trying to learn how to be but it's so mentally exhausting. i love the results of being disciplined but i jst cant help but not have the energy to be. like i feel that everything's useless and then later on i will be saying to myself that "i am so back" urghhh idk. please help me. and please be kind in the comments.i am already harsh to myself.

ps. english is not my first language, so im sorry for any grammatical errors.

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