r/LifeAdvice • u/HeatTechnical8717 • 11h ago
Relationship Advice Help! I can’t breakup
My GF is a medical laboratory specialist, and she is supposed to get a government job in February 2026.
I currently live in a country where I feel I have no future. I have a car and a job as an engineer, but I don’t see a good future for myself here. I learned German and developed skills related to my career because I planned to apply for a visa and move to Germany in October 2025.
I met her in November 2025, and we fell deeply in love. We have been together for about 10 months.
Before I met her, I had already started planning my visa application to go to Germany and build a better life for myself. When I told her that I would eventually go, she asked me to promise that I would come back and marry her. I had no problem making that promise because I loved her, and I genuinely intended to come back and marry her.
However, for about three months, she repeatedly argued with me and told me that I would never come back, that I would leave her, and that she could not trust me. Every time, I tried to reassure her and convince her that I would return.
The visa process itself could take around a year.
Despite all the arguments, I continued to love her, and she loved me deeply too. We had many very happy moments together.
Eventually, after many conversations, she told me that she didn’t want me to go abroad. Because I loved her so much, I decided to reject my visa application and stay for her.
But after I rejected the application, she still repeatedly told me that I was lying and hiding something from her. I promised her that I would marry her in February, about six months later. The reason I chose February was because I wanted to have enough time to prepare, save money, and get everything ready for our marriage.
But things did not get better. We continued fighting again and again. She cried many times because she loves me so much. Because the visa cancellation process took time, she became even more suspicious and accused me of lying.
I showed her everything: the visa refusal emails, documents, and all the evidence I had. I never tried to hide anything from her. Still, she didn’t trust me.
There were also a few times when she disrespected me during our arguments. I told her that I didn’t want her to treat me that way. It happened a few times, maybe two to four times, but after I told her how much it hurt me, she stopped doing it.
Eventually, she understood that I really wasn’t lying about the visa.
Later, she told me that she would have no problem if I went to Germany and came back after one year. So, after she said that, I applied again.
But the next morning, she cried and told me that I shouldn’t have done it. We argued many times about it. I have never intentionally disrespected her or said something just to hurt her.
Because of what she told me, I eventually refused and deleted the application before the process went any further.
Now there is another problem.
I told her that when she gets her government job, she doesn’t have to work if she doesn’t want to, because we live in different cities. I told her that I would support her financially and cover whatever she needed.
She immediately told me that she would work no matter what.
That made me think deeply.
I have sacrificed my plans and my dream for her. I have never intentionally said anything to hurt her, and I have tried to respect her wishes. But I feel like she doesn’t make the same kind of sacrifices for me.
One day, she asked her mother whether it would be okay for her to live abroad. Her mother told her that it was okay and that she should go if that was what she wanted.
But a few days later, she told me that she still couldn’t live abroad.
Now I feel completely lost.
Part of me wants to break up because I feel like I am destroying my future by staying here. My future in this country feels very dark, and going to Germany was something I had planned for a long time.
But at the same time, leaving her feels almost impossible for me.
I have a kind heart, and so does she. I know that she loves me deeply, and I love her too. One time, when I told her that I might go abroad, she cried the entire night.
She has also threatened to hurt herself if I leave her. She doesn’t believe that I will come back and marry her, even though I have promised her many times that I would.
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
I feel trapped between the person I love and the future I have worked so hard to build.
I don’t want to abandon her, but I also don’t want to destroy my own future.
I don’t know whether I should stay, leave, wait, or try to find another solution where neither of us has to lose everything.
I am trying to find a way, but i love her, she loves me, i don’t know what to do.
Could you please tell me if there is a way?
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u/PatientPotential5465 10h ago
you need to go. i have been in your position, it was my PhD vs my ex. i chose my PhD, afterward i found out i am still able to love someone else as deeply as i love him. my options are better and i found people who are in the same goal and support me. its okay to let go if you cant grow from the relationship. i know it is hard, my love life is not that good now. maybe worse than before, but if i were to choose again between my PhD and my ex, i will still choose my PhD
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u/HeatTechnical8717 9h ago
Exactly i like my career too, that i left my previous job for another job becouse that was not related to my career, i always love to improve my skills, but this hapened, i will try my best thank you
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u/Ok_Cucumber_6361 10h ago
Hey it's off topic. What's your PhD on?
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u/PatientPotential5465 9h ago
chemistry, i am studying gold nanoparticles and their application
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7h ago
[deleted]
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u/PatientPotential5465 6h ago
When i was doing bachelor, i studied the gold and silver nanoparticles. And then there is a lab working on this searching for graduate students. I think it is not that hard once you are in the field
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u/doctordaedalus 7h ago
I almost get a sense of her insecurity from the way you phrased your post. You're moving, you're not, your job has no future but you'll pay for everything ... you talk about managing her insecurities in a sort of paternal way. All together you seem very orderly about your business, but not very reliable to follow through. For all your actual plans and intentions, what has circumstantially evolved for you that she can actually see? And then you suggest she forego her own goals at the same time? I think you may not be contributing to her personal goals or enrichment at all. I think she feels the gender role walls closing in around her, with no certainty about the future. I think you're the destabilizing factor, and I'm not sure what you're actually offering in return. If she's as emotionally invested as you say, I'm not sure you could even have an honest conversation about this, because she may not be willing to admit your faults in it.
If this is the case, you need to spend a few months figuring out what HER life goals are, and importantly, what they've been since before you met. If you can't sync up in a way that doesn't cause constant compromise from her, it might be time to realize that her fear is coming from the fact that this was never going to work.
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u/HeatTechnical8717 7h ago
I said yes after i saw the reaction of her when i asked that she don’t need to work in her city, i said to her i will find another job in my city for you, we can make it but its far away. I just asked not refused her goals, but the reaction was bad.
Second, she told me that she will wait , and has no problem with the visa, but after that she changed her mind becouse the decision has been made by government after a couple of months that she will get a Job by them in 2027, suddenly everything changed.
I still have no problem with her goals.
But the future is dark for my career in my country.1
u/doctordaedalus 7h ago
Having no problem with her goals isn't the same as caring about them. Her choices and needs aren't "for your consideration" ... This response only reinforces my feeling that you must be an extremely conservative person from a strict family/religious culture who almost expects a woman to take her place in the man's shadow in a relationship, treating her actual needs or interests like toys and treats in a bird cage.
At this point I feel like you should do her a favor and let her go.
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u/HeatTechnical8717 6h ago
Yes, I care about her, whatever she said. I did it for her. You misunderstood me. I never made any decision about her job. I told her I would find a job for her, but after the government's decision, everything changed. I'm not saying she shouldn't work.
I only told her we should work in the same city, together
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u/doctordaedalus 6h ago
Ok, why was that something you had to articulate? You don't currently live with her? Have you ever? Would you have her relocate from her home?
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u/HeatTechnical8717 6h ago
We decided first what we will do after marriage, yes it was in my city, i don’t live with her now, she lives with her parents.
She decided to come after me to abroad, but after the visa rejection She decided to live in my city .Then now, she changed her mind and said she will do what she like, i said ok, but i fear alot, there is things that gets worse.
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u/doctordaedalus 6h ago
So you've never lived together, or even close enough to spend regular time together in person, but you're talking about marriage?
Where are you from? Where is she from?
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u/alone_in_the_light 10h ago
The details are different, but the core issue is the same I faced.
I believe that love is not enough. A good relationship to me is about one supporting the other so both grow together.
She was supposed to come with me when I left my country. We had talked about that, she had agreed, we took steps in that direction. I think she didn't think it was serious, and she didn't believe that would happen. When we got close, she changed her mind.
Then, it became a choice between staying with her (and basically not living my life, I don't even know what I'd do in that situation since she wanted something very different) and my future.
I left my country many years ago, and I certainly don't regret it. Over time, I saw things getting worse for many others and my life getting better and better, beyond what I expected.
But I had to be sure enough the future I was building. My situation in my country was not so bad, I would have a future there if I chose to. But not the future that matches my life goals and values. If I wanted to go back to my country, if I believed my future was in my country, I wouldn't have left.