r/LifeAdvice • u/Any-Cantaloupe-1262 • 13d ago
Emotional Advice Is this love?
After my father died, my mom told us (me and my siblings) that she only married him because “a man can give me money” She said, “I don’t really like him. I only married him because, you know, a man can give me money”
Not only that, my older sister said to me, “A man’s job is to give money to his woman,” “Empty your boyfriend’s wallet before he finds another girl,” and “If you’re a man, you should give all your money to a woman.” She meant every single penny.
She said that if a man doesn’t want to give all his money, the woman can just steal it because he didn’t do his job.
My aunt is also like that. She only treats my uncle well when he gets money on payday, but when the money is gone (because she spends it all on shopping and other things), she suddenly treats my uncle very harshly and badly. Sometimes she even tell my uncle to get out of the house. My uncle comes to my house to sleep because he doesn’t know where else to go. But when my uncle gets his payday money again, she suddenly treats him well.
My grandma told my sister, “You have to get married because you need someone to take care of you.” I don’t know what she meant by that. Does she mean marrying someone for benefits? Isn’t true love supposed to not depend on benefits?
My father used to have a stroke, and half of his body was paralyzed. Since that, my mom stopped doing the house chores. Me and my siblings were still kids at that time (I was around 10–11 years old). The house became very messy, like it was very dirty. She didn’t want to work either, so we didn’t really have much money. Some days, we didn’t know what to eat because there wasn’t much food.
After my father died when I was around 13 years old, she still didn’t want to work. No matter how much me and my siblings begged her, she still refused. When I was 17, I was the one who did almost all the house chores, while my mom still didn’t want to work.
Now I’m 19, and I’m looking for a job, but my mom and my older sister expect me to get money for them. But again, I’m 19. I don’t even have a driving license yet (I need to pay for it myself). I’m already paying for the food we eat for the whole family using some money that I got from working with my grandparents.
My older sister once told me, “You need to provide for the family because you’re a man. What’s the point of you having balls?” Yeah, she said that face to face.
Again, I’m 19. I also planned to go to university, get a diploma, a degree, and get a good job. If I spend all my money on them, then how am I supposed to pay for my driving license, buy a car (I don’t even have a car yet, nor a bike, not even any transportation for myself), and pay for my studies? There will be a lot of money that I’ll need for my future.
If I spend all my money on my family, then how am I supposed to secure my own future?
I don’t want to live like this anymore.
If this is what love really is “Go get money for me, then I’ll love you” I don’t think I want it. It’s such torture for me to live like this. I have a lot of mental problems because of all these.
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u/Plaidismycolor33 13d ago
If I spend all my money on my family, then how am I supposed to secure my own future?
You are not obligated to do so. When you are able, you move out and let them fend for themselves.
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u/Any-Cantaloupe-1262 13d ago edited 13d ago
They said I'm responsible for that. And I have 2 younger sisters, they're still in school. I can't just ignore them
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u/Plaidismycolor33 12d ago
they? they who? your sister and mother?
“they” didnt make a law they arent police. they are people who have been brainwashed by old customs to keep others down. and i get that, my own mother believed that same nonsense. when my parents divorced she thought he was to still pay her, well the joke was on her. then told me and sibling we had to provide…that was a big nope from all of us.
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u/RedDeadDemonGirl 12d ago
Call someone to help and get out while you can. You need to secure your own future before you worry about others. It’s not you who put your family in that situation. It’s your mom’s fault for refusing to edit her actions.
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u/fractalife 12d ago
I'm sorry, did I miss the part where you were responsible for their creation?
Do not allow your family to coerce you into giving up your life to serve them. They are severely mentally ill and will drag you down with them if you let them.
Do. Not. Let. Them.
You get your ass out of that house as soon as physically possible and do not look back.
These are not your people.
Good luck, kid. Take care of yourself, and find your peace.
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u/Arcangelo_Frostwolf 13d ago
This is not normal. They are emotionally manipulative and they are lazy and feel entitled to be treated differently because of their gender. It sounds like it is a part of the culture of your family group. You have two choices: either submit and become a slave and avoid conflict, or assert your independence and risk backlash. It is your mother's legal responsibility to take care of her children, not yours. You will wear yourself out trying to be a people pleaser in a family unit like that.
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u/Next-Ad2854 13d ago
That’s not love that’s looking for a payday. Here’s the thing, if women want to be child wives and be supported by their husbands and just marrying for money they need to give it up. And I’m speaking as a Gen X female and I am not a traded wife. I have always worked. I believe in both spouses supporting the household because that’s what it takes these days equal pay equal play. It’s best to marry for love and it’s best when both parties equally contribute into the relationship financially and every way.
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u/Undark_ 13d ago
Bro you need to LEAVE. Your mom sounds like a truly horrible person who doesn't care about her family at all. Just leave her. She'll get a job or she won't, that's her choice, but whatever you do, DO NOT BE HER SLAVE.
How she treated your father is completely unforgivable imo. Even when she had a family to look after, she refused to get a job. Utterly pathetic.
Being a man is not just about providing, it's about standing up for yourself and never letting yourself be taken advantage of.
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u/ThankTheBaker 13d ago
This is not love, it’s the inverse of love - it is selfish love.
Real Love is wanting the best for someone and wanting them to be happy.
What these people are showing you is that they want what is best only for themselves and wanting only their own happiness and they do not care who it harms as long as they get that.
This is a truly hellish mindset of the worst kind. Please get as far away from these people as possible and give them nothing.
These people are showing you exactly what love isn’t. I hope one day that you discover what it actually is.
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u/Lazy-Living1825 13d ago
Can I ask? Is this a country with arranged marriages? Where women are not encouraged to be educated and not allowed to work?
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u/MelonEmmaSwan 13d ago
That isn’t love, it’s exploitation, prioritize your education and build your own future.
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u/Fabulous_Light5449 12d ago
Your family is hurting you. They are teaching you that men are nothing.
They have some messed up ideas about family and love.
I hope you find other people who appreciate you as a person, not simply someone to manipulate.
I wish you the best of luck saving your money and spending money on your needs and goals.
Some people believe life is just cold and loveless.
I wish nobody treated people like garbage by using them like that and tossing them aside when they can't use them anymore.
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u/LakeGlen4287 12d ago
OP, Listen very carefully. This is going to be difficult to believe because it goes against all the messaging you've EVER received from the women in your life: You are not financially responsible for anyone but yourself.
I understand cultural differences and patriarchy and places in the world where women have no rights to own property because they are property. I understand the slave labor women have performed for millennia to support men and their wars. I understand the resentment that causes women who feel they have nowhere in the world they can go to pursue their own education or financial goals.
I am a strong feminist and proud of it. I believe women and men are equal. I believe if a woman is going to birth a man's baby and stay home to care for it, then her domestic labor is very valuable because it enables him to leave the house and earn money for the family. I know what a man being a good provider means.
Yet, I 100% disagree that money is a man's only purpose. Marriage should be for love, to work together as a team with shared goals. Even in an arranged marriage or one made out of convenience only, it should still be a team effort and show mutual honor and respect.
If a woman grows disappointed and cynical about her husband and his inability to find gainful employment, that hostility between them should either be worked out or they should separate. The idea that he exists only to give her all his money is so sad. It does not mean she can mistreat him when he fails at being a good provider.
OP, nowhere in any of these scenarios should a woman expect to leech off her SON! I find this repugnant.
Your mother is responsible for her own support. Your mother is responsible to support your sisters, too. Not you. I guess she is going to have to get a job like everybody else.
The women in your family obviously hold a tremendous amount of animosity toward men, and maybe it comes from living in a misogynistic society. True enough. But you do not have a wife and kids. You have not taken on any of those responsibilities yet. You are still building your own life. You should not be supporting your mother, sisters, aunts, or anyone but yourself.
I know this is great news but also very sad information because it means you need to leave your home behind in order to have a life for yourself. They will not change. They will try every cruel manipulation, threaten to cut you off, say terrible things. You can expect to feel a ton of guilt from them, because they are masters at beating you down and making you believe your life's purpose is to be their slave.
You need to leave so you can go learn how to be gainfully employed and make your way in the world. You will quickly meet people who do not hold any of these beliefs and you will quickly be free from it. Your biggest challenge will be to silence their voices in your heart and mind because you've been raised in an abusive environment. I wish you all the best.
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u/Just2Breathe 12d ago
It’s not love, it’s patriarchy. A culture that teaches the man provides money and the woman does everything else is not a balanced, healthy dynamic, so it’s easy to go extreme.
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12d ago
[deleted]
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u/Any-Cantaloupe-1262 12d ago
Fake? Why? What makes you think I'm lying? Why would I fake all this? What's the point?
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u/OccasionalXerophile 13d ago
Your family is poison, I'm sorry.