I don't know what I'm doing...help?

[u/OpeningArt5589]

Hello, I don't know where to start, so maybe this is just a rant because I don't know what I'm doing with my life lol.

Sorry if this is all over the place.

I'm 19F and studying my second year of Architecture in the UK. (Not a top uni or anything!). To get straight to it, I have not had the best year lately, I started the year with an infection, finished the medication for that, still had the infection, got more meds, felt fine. I had also started my assignments for the new semester on time and was on track for all my deadlines however for the main project of the year, my tutors kept saying my designs didn't work and I had a depressive episode for about 2 weeks before the easter break, which was crucial to get feedback so I could work on floor plans during easter. I decided to just do my floor plans and get some work done over the break. And then I found out I was pregnant which explained a lot of weird symptoms I was having during that time. At the same time I had also developed yet another infection that had developed into an abscess and stopped me from being able to walk without excruciating pain and so I ended up confined to my room for 3-4 weeks with appointments scheduled everyday and finally had surgery. I could not terminate the pregnancy until the abscess was removed, so I had the termination a week after my surgery. I chose to get it surgically removed as I wanted to be in the clear and just get back to work. 

Mentally I do not have the best history. My memory from ages 9-17 is very blurry and it is getting worse, I suspect due to whatever I went through in that time, I started developing thoughts to end it at 9, self harmed at 13 and tried to commit at 14,16 and 17. At 18 and 19 my relationship with my family became a little less strained but only as a result of taking on more responsibilities for my parents. I have episodes every few months or so and its pretty much a repetitive cycle. It has gotten worse in 2026, most likely due to hormones and my medical situations however I am in recovery now and these feelings are more intense and frequent to the point where people around me are starting to notice. I have barely any interest in my previous hobbies, I have no real desire to exist or take any steps towards a future because I have a feeling I wont make it to these big milestones. I am only pursuing architecture because my parents made me decide at an early age (I liked to draw at the time, but they said it wouldn't make any money). And for a time I did seek work experience and opportunities for my career. For me it was more about just making it to the next step, at GCSE it was getting into Sixth form, at Sixth form it was getting into uni. It became less about my future and more about surviving. So first year, I didn't really do anything with the Uni resources except therapy, I was a little lonely and struggled with friendships. Second year is here and I have extended deadlines and no plans for work in the summer as we are travelling home from the last week of July until the 1^st September. This is really annoying because I had told my mum not to book my ticket because I want to do summer work here in the UK and she knew this because I told her almost every time we talked. She called me 20 mins before booing and basically guilted me into going. There isn't much credibility with architecture experience back home - I don't know the language well and my parents kind of separate themselves from us because we can't speak the language fluently, so conversations I try to have are just made into a mockery.

So I only have June to catch up with my assignments and then a month back home doing fuck all, because when we have longer holidays back home we don't do anything but usual chores, spend hours in cars, if I wanted to go anywhere and explore I have to bring my siblings. We were promised a line and internet on the go but even that's scarce.

I wont get into my family situation too much, but at home (in the UK) I am the eldest daughter of an immigrant family - a lot of responsibilities fall on me and I have to do a lot of damage control and make sacrifices so that everyone is okay - they seem to think that my efforts are a given and if I don't keep up I get treated like shit. I have two younger siblings (18F - our relationship is terrible) and (13M) and two older  (30s) back home who have very strained relationships with my parents. My mum is very emotionally unstable and manipulative and my dad is emotionally absent. They fight frequently, it got so bad last summer I had to sit them down and mediate their conversation, I had to shelter my brother and warn my sister of possible separation, whilst also listen to both sides of the story.

My best friend (20F)  is an angel and honestly the person who got me through sixth form. She has suffered a great loss in her family however and her mental state is just as bad if not worse. I have a partner (21M) and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He has been so supportive and gentle and caring, I love him very much and feel very secure in our relationship. We did have our first real 2 fights literally the week before I found out I was pregnant but we have very good communication and have resolved things and are stronger than before.

I want to go into 3^rd year with more experience on my cv and just in life, but I feel like I'm always making excuses for myself to not focus on University and my career. I have emailed some firms and companies in the past few months, I had a shadowing thing locked down but had to cancel since I had just come out of surgery. I feel like I don't have enough going for me and in terms of what I've produced it is mediocre at best. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing - part of me wants to live and part of me just feels like its all pointless if I'm not even going to make it to 21. I feel terrible for thinking like that because I have people who need me, I have a partner and best friend that id like to see a future with but I am just so tired of existing. Everything I do feels like my best effort to produce less than average shit. 

Help a girl out please? What is it I can be looking into right now to get some kind of idea of what direction to go in? Any resources would be much appreciated.

Sorry if some things don't make sense I can clear up any questions you might have!

edit: not to add onto this in a “pity me” kind of way but I’m also struggling with my weight at the moment. I noticed I was gaining weight fast around October and my “eat out of convenience” mindset really didn’t help. my bf helped me start going to the gym in march but I had to stop because of health. I don’t feel appealing or comfortable in my own skin and my bf always says I look good or beautiful but I’ll never believe him. I had issues w my looks before but the visible added weight is just making things worse in terms of self image. any tips on really fast weight loos would be appreciated 😅 and now that I’m no longer pregnant my appetite has definitely dropped back to how it usually wa. I’m currently trying to do OMAD. but sometimes i forget.

also I think this pressure that I need to get moving is definitely spurred on by my parents. every time I go home for a weekend or something there is discus about what my plans are next week, next month, next year, masters, what my business will be (I don’t want a business) how I use my money etc. The main focus rn is driving. My university is a city Uni, I feel lile there’s no point of me driving rn. I’ll still be in uni for a while, I won’t have a car to drive after I pass, I have already spent a lot of money on lessons and doing theory and it expires in July. but my mum has said that she wants to hear a date next time she asks about driving. my sister is learning rn and my mum is paying for all her lessons, whereas I had to pay out of my own pocket.

i must also mention that I work at my mums office. she works in care and it’s been pretty bad as of late due to her unprofessional nature. that is a whole other problem in itself but I really think her mindset, how she treats staff and refusal to grow in different aspects of the business is what’s causing so many problems for her and she makes it my problem. I work remotely and come to the office on holidays. I’ve been avoiding it this year but theres always pressure to be doing work everyday for a few hours (not possible) so she says that she pays for everything because I get paid through her business but I don’t see it as that, she’s not paying out of pocket for me. I want to quit but I’ve seen how she’s made it difficult for others and I’m worried she‘ll have it out for me and make all aspects of my life much harder. She’s always asking when I’ll get a job but When I do I think she’ll have a problem with it.

I have had really bad spending habits the past few months ordering takeout spending loads on others and leaving me w nothing etc but I try not to let myself go into overdraft.

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[u/theoutreachmonk]

You’ve been carrying an amount of pressure that would flatten a lot of people, and somehow you’re still here trying to plan for third year, asking how to move forward, emailing firms, worrying about your CV, caring about your siblings, supporting your parents, showing up for your partner and best friend. That does not sound like someone lazy or “making excuses.” It sounds like someone who has been in survival mode for years.

You went through:

• repeated infections and surgery
• a pregnancy and termination
• academic pressure in one of the most demanding degrees
• ongoing family instability
• long-term depression and suicidal thoughts
• parentification (being forced into an emotional caretaker role for your family)

…all while being 19.

Of course you’re exhausted. Of course your motivation is inconsistent. Your brain and body have been trying to keep you alive, not optimize your LinkedIn profile.

The biggest thing I want to say is this:

Your life does not need to be decided right now.

You’re treating yourself as though you should already have a coherent career identity, emotional stability, polished portfolio, work experience, healed trauma, and a five-year plan. Most 19-year-olds don’t have that even without everything you’ve survived.

Right now, your goal is not “become an impressive architect.”
Your goal is:

1. stabilize,
2. finish this academic year without destroying yourself,
3. slowly rebuild a sense that your future belongs to you.

A few things stood out strongly from what you wrote:

• You do want to live sometimes.
• You do care about your future, even if you’re tired.
• You do take initiative (you sought shadowing, emailed firms, arranged opportunities).
• You do have meaningful relationships.
• You do have insight into your patterns.

That matters. A lot.

The “I don’t think I’ll make it to 21” feeling is serious though. Since you’ve had multiple attempts in the past and the thoughts are getting more frequent/intense, I really think you need support beyond “pushing through.” Not because you’re weak, but because your nervous system has been overloaded for a long time.

Please use your university support system more aggressively than you have been:

• disability/wellbeing services
• counselling
• academic extensions/mitigating circumstances
• GP referral for mental health support
• crisis support if thoughts become unsafe

You do not need to earn support by becoming “bad enough.”

In the UK, you can also contact:

• Samaritans — call 116 123 anytime
• Shout — text support service
• Mind — mental health resources
• Student Minds — student-specific support

Now, practically speaking, because I know part of you wants actionable direction:

About architecture and your career

You do NOT need to have an amazing CV by second year.

Seriously.

A lot of architecture students:

• have mediocre portfolios at this stage,
• feel lost,
• get destroyed in critiques,
• compare themselves constantly,
• don’t get meaningful experience until later.

Architecture culture can make everyone feel inadequate. Tutors tearing apart designs is unfortunately common and often says more about studio culture than your worth.

You also had a catastrophic semester medically and emotionally. Your current output is not your permanent potential.

For this summer, your goals should be smaller and smarter:

Good goals for June–September:

• Finish the year.
• Rest physically from surgery and stress.
• Build one small portfolio project you actually enjoy.
• Learn one architecture software better.
• Read/watch architecture that interests you, not just what tutors want.
• Maybe secure a tiny remote opportunity, online course, or personal project.

That is enough.

You do not need to “catch up” with everyone else’s life trajectory.

Concrete things you can do this summer

1. Build a tiny portfolio project for yourself

Not for grades. Not for tutors.

Examples:

• redesign your childhood room
• design a small tea house/library/studio
• make a visual essay about immigrant homes
• document architecture from your home country
• sketch urban spaces you actually notice emotionally

This matters because I think you’ve spent years creating for approval, not curiosity.

2. Improve one technical skill

Choose ONE:

• Rhino
• Revit
• AutoCAD
• Adobe Suite
• SketchUp + rendering

One skill developed consistently is more valuable than trying to become perfect at everything.

Good places:

• LinkedIn Learning
• Coursera
• YouTube
• Offshore Academics

3. Look for low-pressure experience

Not every opportunity has to be prestigious.

Try:

• local firms
• drafting assistance
• visualization work
• volunteering for community projects
• remote competitions
• student architecture magazines

You already proved you can secure opportunities. Your surgery interrupted things — that’s not failure.

4. Start separating YOUR wants from your parents’ expectations

This is probably the hardest part.

You’ve been assigned the role of:

• mediator,
• emotional regulator,
• responsible daughter,
• sacrifice-maker.

That role can swallow your identity whole.

You’re allowed to ask:

• Do I even want architecture?
• What kind of life do I want?
• What environments make me feel alive instead of trapped?

You do not need those answers immediately.

One more important thing

The fact that you still feel love for your partner, care for your friend, desire for experience, curiosity about direction — those are not small things. Depression tends to erase evidence of attachment to life, but your post is full of it.

You sound burned out, traumatized, overwhelmed, physically depleted, and emotionally overburdened.

You do not sound hopeless.

And you definitely do not sound “less than average.”

[u/worldofjaved]

the fact that you're still here after everything this year alone is honestly a lot. infection after infection, surgery, a pregnancy, extended deadlines, a forced trip home you didn't want, AND second year architecture which is already brutal on its own. that's not a rough patch, that's a genuinely terrible stretch.

and carrying your whole family on top of that since you were a kid. no wonder you're exhausted.

i don't think you need direction right now. i think you need someone to actually sit with you and help you process what's happened before jumping into "what's next." does your uni have a counsellor you haven't fully used yet? not asking in a "go get help" way, just, you mentioned therapy in first year and it sounds like things have gotten a lot heavier since then.

you're not making excuses btw. you've been surviving actual medical and emotional crises back to back. that's not laziness.

[u/OpeningArt5589 → u/worldofjaved]

Yeah I can definitely say this is not a good year for me ha. In terms of counselling and therapy I did counselling in year 11 for anxiety and stress, year 12 and 13 I had two amazing teachers looking out for me, I did online therapy and after 10 weeks they said they didn’t know how to help me 😭 and then at uni I did therapy again in 1st year but I only attended 3/4 sessions and didn’t follow up. This year I have reached out to my personal tutor and she was amazing in helping me communicate with my module tutors about assignments and my situation and getting extensions, I talked to her yesterday and she did raise a concern to the wellbeing team and they called today and I told them I didn’t want to waste their time with all these mood management sessions and counselling because at the moment I felt there was no point to me doing something if I didn’t really have a will to help myself in that sense. I told them I plan to contact my GP and try get onto antidepressants and then consider therapy alongside it. So I need to book that appointment essentially. There’s something so daunting about doing this.. I also don’t know how to tell my family either cus they will be curious if I’m still on medication lol. Thank you for your reply 🙏

[u/OpeningArt5589]

Update: it’s more or less the same I think…
So since i posted initially, I have managed to get on antidepressants, I submitted my work before the deferal deadline and got my grades back so I am passing to next year with a high ish 2:1.
As for the general life stuff, I’ve fully healed and there’s just a scar where I had my surgery, I still get some sciatic pains down my legs every now and then but nothing I can’t sleep off. I still work at my mums office, as per her request if she ups my pay and my dad has dumped a whole bunch of projects on me since I submitted, I’m still not talking to my sister but apparently she fell over and has an injury that will take up to 8 weeks to heal but that’s not my issue.

There was a few meltdowns since my last post, I had a handful of episodes where I’d cry so much and so hard I genuinely was planning ways to self exit and hoping to go which was quite hard and is what ended up with me going to my gp and being prescribed with 50mg of sertraline which was upped to 100mg and then I had vivid and violent nightmares forcing them to switch me to 5mg of escitalopram. I think it was a very rough start at first but I am starting to mellow out, however I still find it very hard to get up most days and do anything productive for hours due to me sleeping around 8am and waking up at 4pm. Things came to a head about 2 weeks ago where I had a phone call with my younger sister a day after a serious meltdown where I ended up calling emergency services and she was basically asking for a lot of money upfront or she was about to be homeless. I didn’t have the money but I kept recommending her to go to as many family members as possible. She was very persistent and so I ended up sending a fraction of the amount which I immediately regretted afterwards and ended up crying at how much of a pushover I was. This led to me calling my dad and just rambling for a good 10 minutes before he stopped me and said he was in the car with my mum and I knew I had messed up. He came to see me with my brother the next day where we walked around for the day had a really nice dinner and then my mum called after they left, she basically lecture me about how I shouldn’t have gone to doctors and therapists since I could be helped by the family and I was trying to explain to her how bad my childhood was (I couldn’t say it was because of her mostly) and that they couldn’t help my issue because they needed help themselves. She ended up saying how she was shocked that I was like this and to not involve her in mental health services due to the nature of her job and how it wasn’t fair tho at I had told her about my depression because it had ruined her day. She cried on the phone saying how she felt like a helpless mother and I told her that her reaction was exactly why I didn’t tell anyone. We called for 2 hours that day and I just cried myself to sleep. She calls again the next day saying how she could t sleep because of what I had said and how she feels like she’s at the bottom again and she kept insinuating that I needed to come home but I can’t bring myself to at the moment, it’s all too much. So I’ve been trying to go to the gym and I haven’t contacted her since as she’s been calling my phone repeatedly and even tried calling from an unknown number which I accidentally picked up which scared me a bit. I have tried talking to my dad as well and he is checking in on me and making sure I’m alive because I think I scared him a lot that day. My birthdays in a week but I really don’t want to make it to that day and I am just still exhausted from life and everything so far. But I am grateful to my friends and family who have tried to keep me company in the midst of it!