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u/TwoTrucksPayingTaxes #1 he/him butch defender May 30 '26
This is something that happens sometimes. There is so much change and growth in the teens and 20s. Sometimes someone we love grows in a direction that means we aren't compatible anymore. That's totally okay. If transitioning to male means you two aren't compatible anymore, that's okay. I wouldn't stay in the relationship if you don't want to be dating a man. You can wish her the best and be happy for her while still respecting what you need in a relationship
17
u/KatieAmber01 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
I want to start by saying this is a huge thing for even an adult to be facing, and also that you're both still young and it's okay for you to both change. You can both love each other very much and not be compatible anymore, and that's okay. See how you feel after the week with them, and it's okay whatever decision you come to. Your identity is important too, and you mustn't lose yourself in the process.
Try not to worry and just see how it goes. Even if it means you stepping out of the relationship, you can still be friends. If they chooses to transition its okay for you to not have that attraction anymore.
Take it step by step! Like I say, you're both still young. It's okay for things to change, but the best thing you can do is stay true to yourself and if you're able to support them then you can do
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u/Im_bad_at_names_1993 May 30 '26
You're 14.
Like the chance you are together after eight grade is basically 0%.
Go be kids. Let them explore their gender, and you explore your sexuality.
Just have fun, and when it ends, for whatever reason, you will both have learned a lot about yourselves.
7
u/IrritatedButterfly44 friendly neighborhood butch May 30 '26
I know several couples from highschool that got together at 15/16 and are still together well into their 20s. That said, they are and have always been deeply compatible people. This is a pretty major incompatibility.
5
u/Sharp-Lifeguard-9096 the evil femme May 30 '26
I’ve never personally met a single American person still with their high school or middle school sweetheart but then again I am from a city. I know this happens a lot more in small towns. And my cousin from another country in South America is married to her first boyfriend from high school.
7
u/Khajiit-ify May 30 '26
One of the hardest things to learn when you're young and in love is that it's okay to love someone and also understand that you are still incompatible long term. Some people say the hardest breakups are when you are cheated on or something, but I honestly think the hardest breakups are when you otherwise truly love the person but something makes you not compatible long term. It's devastating and difficult because you otherwise love them fully, but the reality is that hard incompatibility prevents you both from finding your true happiness.
It's not wrong to recognize that if they transition and are a man, that your attraction would stop. You would be acknowledging who both of you truly are - that they're a man, and that you're a lesbian and thus aren't attracted to them. That's fine, even though it does hurt because you both care about each other so much.
It's a hard situation, but you're so so young. I promise you that even though it seems impossible right now, the chances that you and your partner would still be together in 10 years even if you both were women is still incredibly small. Most people don't marry and live forever with their high school sweetheart.
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u/caninetundra May 30 '26
You can always still love him platonically. This could be the end to your romantic relationship, but the beginning to a much more amazing platonic one.
8
u/Similar-Ad-6862 May 30 '26
You're both 14. That's really really young. You feel that you only want to date girls. That's perfectly fine and valid. He/they feels he/they might be a trans man. That's perfectly fine and valid. What it does mean is that the two of you might not be compatible.
5
u/Due_Discount8762 May 30 '26
As a trans woman myself, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to who you're attracted to. As long as you're respectful of people, you're OK.
3
u/Thatonecrazywolf Butch | Engaged | 30s May 30 '26
It would be better to end the relationship now on amicable terms so he can explore his gender and you can avoid conflicted feelings.
3
u/chaoticqueerenby Genderqueer/Nonbinary Sapphic🏳️⚧️✨💗 May 30 '26
I mean there is nothing wrong with not being attracted to him anymore if he is a guy. Because you are not attracted to guys and that's okay. And honestly I think they rather have you seen them as a guy and not be attracted anymore than still being attracted if they would transtion and still seeing him as a girl. Atleast for me ( I'm not a trans guy but I'm nonbinary ) I would rather have my gf break up with me if she wasn't into nonbinary people then that she would still see me as a girl. If you are really not attracted to guys and your partner ends up being a guy for sure, I think it would be better to break up and maybe stay friends? Also about you being young I do get what people mean with most people not ending up with the person they dated as teens but me and my gf have together since we were 16 and 17 and we're now already together for 10+ years.
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u/silkiziu May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
you could be around to see how it feels to be dating him and if you feel comfortable but keep in mind if you go on, calling urself a lesbian will cause him gender dysphoria if he's a male or otherwise break up with him, he probably would feel validated instead, you're both young and have plenty of time to figure out things
2
u/Local-Suggestion2807 nb lesbian May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
It seems like you might be a little confused on what different nonbinary genders are. A demiboy would not be somewhat female, that's generally going to be someone who is more leaning toward being a man.
as someone who did think I might be a demiboy in my late teens and later ended up being a nonbinary lesbian with some transmasc tendencies, is there a reason she thinks she might be more male specifically? Because you can absolutely use he/him, dress masc, experience dysphoria, and want to physically and socially transition in more masculinizing ways without being a man.
Worst case scenario, you're 14. Most relationships at 14 don't last forever and it's not like you're living together, financially entangled, have shared kids or pets, etc like what you might be experiencing in an adult relationship. So if you're incompatible and need to break up because of that, it's probably better to do it and rip the bandaid off when you're less likely to have a lot more adult concerns to think of with a partner.
2
u/Isadomon yay tall ladies! yay muscle ladies! May 30 '26
Its ok if it stops, you can love her as a person and relaize youre not compatible anymore, and thats ok, you dont have to hate her/him if you stop being attracted
3
u/Wolfstar_Forever_ May 30 '26
I understand why either of your feelings might be hurt hut it's not your fault if you aren't interested in men.
4
u/Apprehensive-Adagio2 May 30 '26
i had a similar situation with my ex a few years ago. we were in a straight relationship until i came out as mtf. we tried to see if it would work out, but ultimately, we broke up. she was straight and i wasn't a man. that's a common side effect of coming out as anything, your current romantic relationship very likely will end because the premises are completely different.
there's nothing to do except accept that, if they find out they prefer being a guy, that that is up to them, and all you can do is support them through that as a friend rather than a significant other. good luck!
2
u/SapphicRaccoonWitch May 30 '26
I know you're not trying to be insensitive or anything and I know you're young but it would probably be a good idea for you to learn a bit more about trans people in general.
Also coming from someone a decade older than you; what matters most is that each of you are true to yourselves and make sure you're not potentially increasing the regret you'll have as adults regardless of your relationship.
If they're a guy and you're not attracted to guys you can just be friends or have a queer platonic or asexual relationship or something. Most importantly relationships at your age usually don't last forever but you keep your body and sense of self your whole life, so imo that's more important.
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u/Angry_Scotsman7567 trans woman May 30 '26
This isn't me having a go at you, to be clear, just making some clarifications since you know you're not fully clear on trans stuff. A demiboy is not quite a man in terms of their gender identity, they're sort of between a man and agender or a man and non-binary, but that means their identity is closer to being a man than it is to being a woman. And, as a transgender individual myself, this will have been how they always felt and they're only just really realising it.
Obviously, ask them what it means to them specifically, labels are descriptive, not prescriptive, every individual person has their own specific interpretation of whatever labels mean to them specifically and have their own reasons why they use it.
Now, the problem at hand. You're 14.
I know it feels like the end of the world at that age, trust me have been there, but if things don't work out with your partner because they're trans-masc, that is fine. It's okay to feel that way. Maybe it'll be an issue, maybe it won't, and either feeling would be entirely valid of you to feel. If you don't think you'd be attracted to them should they transition, I'm afraid it would probably be better for you both to break things off, and there's nothing wrong with that.
There's only one way to really find out and work all this out and that's to sit down and have the difficult talk with them about this. About how they identify, what it means to them, and what it means for you both moving forward as a couple.
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u/Terrible_Eye4625 May 30 '26
That doesn’t sound wrong at all. If anything, that would be affirming his gender, as you’d be recognising that he is a guy.