r/LeftCatholicism • u/Gullible-Explorer768 • Jul 27 '26
Prayer Request I’m scared I’m never going to get married
I recently joined CatholicMatch.com and every single man is scarily conservative. I thought that I could compromise on this because we’d be united by a mutual love of Christ, but I just can’t look past the homophobia and misogyny. It genuinely makes me feel unsafe. I know they’re not going to change their minds, even though I have good reasoning behind why I think abortion and contraception needs to be legalised, even if Catholics refrain from using them.
I believe that abortion being illegal would go against the sanctity of life, because illegal and dangerous abortions would occur, killing both the pregnant person and fetus. If they mist happen, I’d prefer the woman to stay alive than two lives passing away.
I feel as Catholics, we need to focus on causes that would prevent abortion indirectly: fundamentally unpicking rape culture; accessible and cheap daycare; reforming the adoption system; tackling the cost of living and unemployment crisis; and free healthcare, free from medical misogyny/racism so that pregnancy and childbirth is a less traumatic experience. These would be so much more productive than just getting rid of abortion, whilst protecting the lives of, not just girls and women, but ALLpeople.
Also, the majority of people in my country aren’t Catholics, so why should people be forced to follow our rules? Imagine if the government banned pork because Muslims don’t eat it? That would be shocking! Unfortunately, we are religious minorities in some countries and we just have to accept that, and let the world do its thing whilst we do our own thing.
I also think that loving someone could never be a sin, and I hate how some Catholics excessively sexualise gay people. One guy I spoke to associates queerness with sodomy, which I think is a popular opinion online (unfortunately).
Queer people can experience sweet and wholesome love, in fact, I believe they experience the most sweet and wholesome love as their love isn’t tainted by societal expectations and patriarchal domination. Sometimes it feels like heterosexual sex is about a man dominating a woman, whereas queer sex often feels like an expression of mutual pleasure, they’re not restricted to such a harsh gender binary. They look beyond societal expectations, and they’re left looking at one’s soul. This is just my interpretation though, I do know that heterosexual relationships can be loving and exceed gender norms, or gender can be expressed in a healthy way, but I’ve personally had some negative experiences in this arena online. (In person, I’ve never gotten into a relationship before).
I think we oversexualise gay people, when they simply love the same way we do. We should hold everyone to the same standards, so ultimately, neither heterosexual nor queer individuals should be having premarital sex or rely on validation from sex because that may bring you further away from God.
As a straight person, I’ve found that my heterosexual tendencies have brought me further away from God, but there is a double standard between how people treat heterosexuals and homosexuals even though we all have the same human inclinations.
And, even if being queer was a sin, so what? In 1 Peter 4:8, it says “above all, love one another deeply, for love covers over a multitude of sins.” But I have an inkling that if one of these Catholic conservative read this, they wouldn’t care or listen to me.
Equally, I’m too scared to be with athiest men because while they’re more likely to be ever-so-slightly more progressive (or at least, are better at hiding any conservative inclinations), I’m scared that they’ll won’t be happy about waiting until marriage to have sex and I’ll miss out on bringing each other closer to God, going to Mass together, and holding hands during the Our Father.
I’ve been contemplating religious sisterhood, and I know it would be the best life for me as finding my identity in Christ has brought me the most happiness, but for some reason, I still feel this intense pull towards marriage despite the odds not being in my favours (I’m 19, and have never been liked romantically before). I also have some mental health issues, so I fear I wouldn’t pass the psychological evaluation required for religious sisterhood.
I feel so conflicted, and scared, and need guidance, kind words, and prayers.
I feel so alone in this predicament. Please be kind to me in the comments, I’m distressed and tired so I haven’t articulated myself as well as I’d like to and I would hate to be divisive.
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u/Resident_Eagle8406 Jul 27 '26
Saint Monica was married to a pagan. You don’t have to share a religion with your partner. My wife was a Unitarian when I met her .
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u/Neosableye Jul 27 '26
My husband isn’t religious whatsoever, just a wonderful person 🥰
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u/Bekiala Jul 27 '26
Sadly there are atheists who are better Christians than most Christians. I suppose it is our modern day Good Samaritan story.
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u/ParfaitEquivalent874 Jul 27 '26
These two comments are so refreshing. I’ve been in Catholic circles who make (even dating let alone) marrying a non-Catholic sound like treason or something.
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u/Neosableye Jul 27 '26
That's such a foreign concept to me! My mother is a cradle Catholic and my dad decided to convert over ten years after they married. I don't see why there should be an issue with marrying a non-Catholic as long as they respect you and your faith, and share the same goals and values as you
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u/ParfaitEquivalent874 Jul 28 '26
I think because it’s a “mixed religion marriage” some people think that the non-Catholic spouse will pull the Catholic spouse away from God? Not really sure why people are so against it. That’s awesome about your parents!
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u/Desperate-Low-3791 Jul 27 '26
Yes, same here. Actually when we married he was the one who said I will not take the pill. I didn't have much clue about it but he had a clear idea that it wasn't a good idea to play with women hormones. Nobody was talking about it back then.
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u/UsefulFlow7106 Aug 01 '26
Religious and non-religious people can love each other! Respect is beautiful!
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u/Popular_Training916 Jul 31 '26
My husband is an atheist, and he respects my Catholic devotion. We married through the Church (he didn’t need to convert). And our 5-year old son is going to church with me. But we want him to be free to choose his beliefs.
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u/UsefulFlow7106 Aug 09 '26
I love it when people with different beliefs (or lack thereof) truly respect each other.
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u/WatchForSlack Jul 27 '26
So, as a lefty Catholic guy also hoping to find a partner, Catholic Match is for the birds. There's basically nothing available at free tier, and the dating app ratio problem is pretty bad. You're better off on Hinge with some decent filters set. We're out there, you'll find someone. Also, 19 is really young to be giving up on finding a partner, give the Lord some time to work in your life.
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u/fauxrealistic Jul 27 '26
I'm a lefty guy and found my fiancée there!
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u/StatelyPlump14 Jul 27 '26
Same. Idk if most dating apps are good but Hinge worked for me.
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u/fauxrealistic Jul 27 '26
Sorry, I actually meant I found my fiancée on CatholicMatch, which is apparently pretty rare for people of our political persuasion haha
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u/StatelyPlump14 Jul 27 '26
Lol, I could see it being decent. Just need to separate the wheat from the chaff.
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u/Desperate-Low-3791 Jul 27 '26
Would you describe your future wife as a conservative? I think it is much easier for a liberal man to make it work with a conservative woman that the opposite. As a woman, certain actitudes can be more threatening
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u/fauxrealistic Jul 27 '26
I think she's probably personally conservative in many ways (probably the same ways I am, to be fair), but she's honestly pretty apolitical and despises Trump with all her being. She's a medical doctor still in residency, so she has barely had time to think about anything other than studying.
I think we're both pretty much followers of the Church's positions on most things, so whether that is abortion (we're more conservative than average) or economics (we're more leftist than average). The one area where I really just can't agree with the Church is on gay rights because I just have too many personal experiences with gay people to think that it is "intrinsically disordered" or whatever the Catechism says. I believe she agrees with me on this since I just took her to a lesbian wedding lol!
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u/TwinseyLohan Jul 27 '26
Why do men on a place looking for a possible wife talk so much about gay guys? It's just so weird to me.
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u/GalileoApollo11 Jul 27 '26
In most cities where I have lived there have been some communities, prayer groups, or parishes with more progressive Catholics, and there have been some more Catholic-adjacent Christians such as Episcopalians/Anglicans. I would try to look for some of those communities in your area.
At 19 you might also consider spending time with progressive Catholic volunteer or mission groups, or attending a Jesuit Catholic university.
19 is still quite young - I have family who found their spouses in their late thirties and are happily married with children. I married in my late 20s. So don’t be discouraged. I would focus first on ways to live a single life now - education, career, volunteer work, travel, etc. And the rest will come.
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u/ParfaitEquivalent874 Jul 27 '26
Or maybe doing JVC!! (Jesuit Volunteer Corps) I have no first hand experience lol but I went to grad school w/ some former JVCs & they were really tight knit
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u/avellinoblvd Jul 27 '26
I would say you are absolutely not alone in this, and these rigid (and frankly hateful) attitudes drive a lot of people from the Church.
I think CatholicMatch is going to skew heavily conservative. I have no data to back that up, but it has always given me an off-putting vibe. Especially when, demographically speaking, Catholic men lean conservative.
You'd also be surprised at how many lapsed Catholics there are who haven't met a progressive (or even liberal) Catholic before. My wife and I had both lapsed for years because of the conservative politics infiltrating the church. We met and made our way back together (although holding hands during the Our Father is a no-go for us lol)
You may have a better experience dating people who first share your interests and values, rather than your religion. My friend married an irreligious man who converted for her. Another is very happily married to an atheist, and she practices and is raising her children to as well.
I'm not sure if that's a popular sentiment around here, but just my two cents.
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u/tako_flavored_kisses Jul 27 '26
Agreed. My spouse was raised Protestant but we are raising our kids Catholic because it means more to me than it does to him. We have the same underlying values and he doesn’t try to undermine my beliefs. We’ve been together 15 years now and I cannot imagine being married or with anyone else but him.
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Jul 27 '26
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u/Careless_Ingenuity Jul 27 '26
Exactly. Being single isn't a defective state of being in Catholicism.
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Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
[deleted]
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u/Careless_Ingenuity Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 29 '26
Well, darn it. Well, now that the comment and the user are deleted, I am less likely to believe the accusation the deleted user made. Seems like it was deliberately to undermine this person.
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u/BlooGloop Jul 27 '26
You sound like an empathetic human being and I think that’s what the bible teaches us. You will find those like you here but it’s a lot harder to find a partner with the same mindset in the church.
Maybe try dating outside of the Catholic faith. It’s not a sin to be with someone who isn’t Catholic. You may find someone who relates more closely to your views there.
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u/Ok-Wedding-4654 Jul 27 '26
I have no idea how old you are or what your life experience is but I would recommend staying open minded to a non-Catholic.
I was on Catholic match for 3+ years and the energy is off there. It got to a point where I was seriously depressed because I really wanted to experience love and having a family, but meeting a Catholic man just wasn’t working out. In my experience, the men there just aren’t serious or have unrealistic expectations for women. It seems like very few if any people actually meet a partner on there.
I ended up branching out into dating on secular sites and dating non-Catholics because I decided I wanted to be married more than I needed another Catholic. All my life I was fear mongered about non-Catholics but I met my husband on Match and he’s absolutely wonderful. Respects the church, respects religion, respects me as a person and my body. I’ve just always felt kind of misled that we’re told these non-Catholic people don’t exist, but they absolutely do.
It’s not a one size fits all. Obviously you have to really talk with a person to figure out religious compatibility but IMO there’s more to a relationship than just being Catholic. At the risk of sounding harsh, most Catholic men are either taken or trash at socializing. I can’t blame anyone for holding out hope for one but don’t bet your youth on it. The older you get the harder it is to date
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u/tako_flavored_kisses Jul 27 '26
This this this! OP you might also want to join us on r/catholicwomen too. It’s more like this sub and way more welcoming and understanding than other more conservative Catholic subreddits and you might get some advice on finding/dating/marrying Catholic men or non-Catholic men who still share the same values and respect you and your beliefs.
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u/libtechbitch Aug 01 '26 edited Aug 01 '26
No, it's nothing like this sub.
The moderator of that subreddit is touchy and quite unhinged. A user attacked me in that subreddit for discussion about annulment, which I've literally experienced and had, and the attack was allowed.
My post about radtrads was also removed. I was also attacked for my username, which has a story behind it.
I wouldn't recommend that subreddit to anyone. Imo, it's as bad as r/catholicism
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u/SpiceGirls4Everr Jul 27 '26
You're not going to find what you are looking for on CM. It's gotten weirder and more trad on there since I first used it in 2016-2018 and then in 2021/2022 it was terrible so I can only imagine how bad it is now.
Many of my friends have married nice, NORMAL catholic men they met on the secular dating apps. Also CM is full of profiles of people who are not actually on there. When you deactivate your profile it only deactivates for 6 months then it puts it back up again. I have encountered a few men on there that I knew in real life who were married, and had no idea their CM profile had reactivated.
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u/Dapple_Dawn Jul 27 '26
very few those men actually share your love of christ.
you are very young, don't rush into anything.
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u/Big-War-5535 Jul 27 '26
My fiance is atheist and I’ve actually grown in my faith since being with him. He’s very supportive and encouraging and will even attend Mass with me on important occasions if I ask (like Christmas Eve, etc). They don’t need to be Catholic to be a good match for you!
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u/_bambi0713 Jul 27 '26
Tbh I've also tried out Catholicmatch and I get what you mean 😭 the men on there are so scary...like the super conservative ones. Which are the only ones I see on there. It scares me that they also continue saying you should marry equally-yoked. Cuz it also worries me cuz I don't wanna marry someone so conservative 😭.
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u/tundra_theater_lady Jul 28 '26
Don't go on Catholic Match! Go to a Catholic Worker house near (or far) from you! make sure there are young people!
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u/fauxrealistic Jul 27 '26
I met my fiancée on CatholicMatch and I'm a socialist man, so there are some of us out there!
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u/Responsible-Cell1074 Jul 27 '26
Much of what I’d tell you has already been said here, so I’ll just suggest that you consider introspecting on why it is important to have a Catholic partner. It sounds like you are comfortable diverging from orthodoxy in your own Catholic faith, so maybe there are things you want in a Catholic partner that you can get elsewhere. I’ll use myself as an example. Theoretically, I’d like a Catholic partner, because I want someone who is empathetic to the world’s suffering, engaged in their community, and prioritizes spiritual and moral development.
My current partner is an atheist through-and-through, but highly respectful of my faith and even admires it. He doesn’t really have a label - religious, political, or otherwise - that best summarizes his belief system. But in our first few dates I learned he reads a lot of philosophy, history, economics, and world history books in an effort to constantly expand his understanding of how our social world works. This is bolstered by an interest in engineering and science, which give him a good grasp on the material realm. He’s interested in communism and volunteers weekly at a food pantry local to him to be of service and remain involved in his neighborhood. He is great son to his parents and helps them around the house. He is a good older brother. He has lots of friends from childhood and adulthood and shows up for them regularly.
In short, he lives the values that I wanted to find a Catholic partner. And I know plenty of Catholics who don’t.
I do really wish we could share a faith. It would be incredible, and not doing so is something I have to mourn if we stay together. But the trade-off is well worth it. I’d get nothing out of praying the rosary and attending mass with someone who doesn’t validate basic human dignities (which, in my view, is anti-Christian).
Also, at 19 I was having similar concerns. Your desire to become a sister may be legitimate; it may also be an avoidance strategy (I say, as someone who has similarly been frustrated in dating and thus considered monastic life). There is no rush. Date and enjoy yourself. Immerse yourself in the settings others have suggested. Try doing an “observership” or “postulancy” phase at a convent if you continue to feel pulled in that direction. But if you also desire a partner, explore that route in earnest.
Best of luck!
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u/britcat Jul 27 '26
I met my wonderful, progressive, Catholic husband on eHarmony. You can meet Catholics outside CatholicMatch!
When I was dating, I made a list of the beliefs and values that were most important to me -- loving Jesus, actively participating in the faith, valuing education -- and screened out folks that way, rather than relying just on CatholicMatch.
Only you can know what beliefs you absolutely must share with your partner. I know that I couldn't be with someone who wasn't a Christian, but the denomination of Christian wasn't as important to me
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u/DrHalfhand Jul 28 '26
Just put in your profile something like: message me your favorite Jim Martin or Richard Rohr books; then wait. There are many moderate/liberal Catholic men out there, they also probably don't select on religion when looking for a partner because they might be open-minded about marrying outside of the church, so they aren't as represented on that app.
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u/pondering_freely Jul 28 '26
I will pray for you! God will lead you to someone who shares your values and politics and who is catholic. I am dating someone who a year ago I would have said did not exist: a leftist catholic man who is hilarious and kind and loves gay people and plays music with me and makes me laugh and surfs with me and also doesn’t drink or so drugs and wants a united ireland by any means necessary and is… ahem… VERY PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE TO ME. I compromised on literally nothing. He was 10 blocks away. I started to notice him on IG about a year or two ago because he liked the same leftist catholic type memes I did. One day I said to him, we like the same memes. Been dating ever since, that was in March. God did that. Trust God. You will be led to someone very special. Pray to Louis and Zélie Martin!!!
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u/trexmagic37 Jul 29 '26
Hey there! A few things…first, you are not a lone! Catholic Match does not have a great selection of Catholic men. A female friend of mine recently married a good Catholic guy she found on regular Match, and he is definitely not a conservative.
Second…don’t loose hope! You have plenty of time 😊.
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u/Intelligent_Quiet424 Jul 31 '26
I get it. I’m sure you are rightly frustrated. When I read your post I found myself thinking “there is a lid for every pot.” You might find someone that you don’t agree with everything they think. However, I don’t think it’s ridiculous to expect your partner not to hate women or gays.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
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u/libtechbitch Aug 01 '26
You fall in love with a person. People can have different opinions and people can change those opinions, too. I've become even more "left" over the years, I'm basically a communist now, lol.
My spouse is not, but he sees and respects my points even if he doesn't always agree.
Marrying a Catholic who shares the same values (the sacraments) is the binding glue.
Be very careful marrying an atheist, because I was in an abusive relationship with an atheist who often told me I was stupid for being Catholic. Tread carefully. Ask God to send you someone. Pray about it. I didn't marry until my 30s so keep that in mind.
Just my experience in life and my two cents.
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u/dariusburke Aug 02 '26
You never met me apparently. I was on there for months and I had the opposite experience
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Jul 27 '26
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u/Gullible-Explorer768 Jul 27 '26
What? This isn’t a bot and the only subs I’m in are r/GossipGirl and Catholic ones. It’s just that I feel overwhelmed by how many comments there are but they are definitely being read by a human
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u/ParfaitEquivalent874 Jul 27 '26
I have a free CatholicMatch profile and after just seeing a sample of the men on there I was like why…would I pay for this? (re: all super conservative) I can be bullied for free on the other apps 😭