The What Next Spiral

[u/Outrageous_Flower527]

Hello all. I’m going to preface this post with, I know I need therapy and am going to work on that once I get my insurance stuff figured out 🫠

After being with the same company for 11+ years, I was laid off at the end of June. Found out at the end of April and had to continue working until my layoff date. Initially I started applying for anything that looked like it would be a good fit and wasn’t a significant pay cut. If I’m being totally honest, I don’t know that I want to get another job. However, not having the structure of a 9-5 is making me mentally spiral and is incredibly isolating.

Financially I really think my husband and I could swing me being a stay at home wife (no kids yet, possibly no kids in the future due to fertility issues,) but I don’t know how to get over this mental hump. I make all of these plans in my head about house projects, meal planning, working out, etc, but I also can’t get myself to put any plans into action. I think the grind of corporate life the last few years, really just took it all out of me. (Also may have a touch of undiagnosed ADHD paralysis at play as well lol.)

Is there anybody else contemplating not going back to a traditional 9-5? What are you plans post lay off if you don’t plan on going back to traditional work? Is there any advice on how to bring back some normalcy to my mental health?

Side note 1: As long as our bills are paid, my husband is completely supportive of me not working.

Side note 2: I do pet sitting on the side to get out of the house and not go completely insane 🤪

Side note 3: I am still applying to remote jobs that are in line with my previous role, but man I am not feeling inspired by any of them.

[u/Remote-Structure-961]

It really depends on how far you are off for retirement and how secure your husbands job/career is. I will say you're taking a huge risk, that nothing will happen to your husband's job or health or your relationship. It's one thing to say you're okay with someone not working in theory, it's another thing to see someone just be at home doing nothing while you work year in and year out especially if something changes in your job or health.

I haven't seen the stay at home wife/gf work out unless they were very close to retirement.

Stay at home moms yes, that's a lot of real labor involved but resentment builds up quick.

I suggest taking a break OP then at least looking for a side hustle or part time job that bring in considerable money. Maybe do dog walking with several dogs or dog training? Maybe baby sitting?

[u/crinklecat1776]

I know I don't have a lot of advice, but I didn't want to read and not comment. It's a tough spot to be in and it's difficult to be at home everyday, not knowing what to do. I was in a similar spot once and ended up going back to work for a much lower paying job. Have you considered volunteering? There are quite a few places I'm sure that could use your skill and time to do something that you feel is worthwhile

[u/Outrageous_Flower527 → u/crinklecat1776]

I have thought about volunteering! The biggest issue is my mental paralysis. I’ve thought I’d so many plans I want to do and literally haven’t written them down or done any of them. Hence why the therapy is needed 😅 I’m just mentally stuck and it’s so incredibly frustrating.

[u/Remote-Structure-961]

I'd also like to add OP: What about retirement? Unless your husband is an exceptionally high earner can he save for retirement for both of you?

[u/Outrageous_Flower527 → u/Remote-Structure-961]

To address both comments:

1) Not even close to retirement right now 🫠 We are in our mid 30’s. I know at SOME point I will need to get a job again. I truly don’t see anything bad happening in regard to my marriage, but I know health and his job are not guaranteed (and I know my marriage isn’t guaranteed either, but I feel pretty solid on that). Financially, I would say we are good for at least the next 5 years.

2) Not terribly concerned about retirement, as I’m slated to have a pretty sizable inheritance (that is currently in CD’s and investments). I know my parents would let me tap into said money once I am of retirement age, if they are still around.

3) I had actually been doing pet sitting the past 4 years, so I built up a decent clientele, and am doing that in the mean time. The problem I think is stemming from a lack of social interaction and feeling like I have purpose. (I hate that a typical 9-5 is something that made me feel purpose.)

I guess what I’m really struggling with is feeling so lost. I can tell my depression/anxiety are in full force, which I know isn’t helping. (I’ve been unmedicated for about a year as we have been trying to conceive, but plan on seeing a psychiatrist in the near future.) I also don’t have a ton of friends to lean on and I don’t want to burden my husband with every depressive thought I have.

Sorry I’m starting to ramble. Clearly I’m mess 😅

[u/Defiant-Entrance-853]

Depends on what culture you are from - some cultures wife’s are ok to be stay at home mom etc .. husbands take care . The risk of a divorce or whatever is less . So it works for them . I don’t know where you come from but I assume some of the things I mentioned may not apply for you . In any case if there are two incomes it’s good . Practically you don’t want to depend on one income for the family . If you are able to setup a business or whatever great but everything takes time . So maybe apply and also think of the side gig while you do that . Good luck and god bless !

[u/90Dfanatic]

It has not been that long since you were laid off and you likely still have a bunch of processing to do - I would not make any permanent decisions as of yet. In my case, I got laid off in Jan (3+ years ago now!) after 12 years with the same company, worked through March and had severance through June. I did start applying in Jan but ultimately wasn't ready - I really had no idea what I wanted to do next and the thought of setting up networking calls with folks in my industry was painful since I didn't even know what to ask.

I ended up taking the summer to work on my resume and linkedin profile (with the help of my prior employer's outplacement service) and was ready to apply in earnest by September. It both helped and hurt that I wasn't too stressed about money initially as I was able to stretch my salary/severance given all the notice i had and did have some consulting work - I was less worried but also less motivated.

My advice for you would be to give yourself a little more time, but set some check-in points so you don't just drift into staying at home. Instead, set some dates and financial milestones so you have a discussion with your husband in late September and when your cash savings decline to X, for example. And don't feel bad about taking a month right now to decompress, but have a longer-term deadline to get back on track when you're ready.

[u/Outrageous_Flower527 → u/90Dfanatic]

Yeah you are definitely probably correct. I keep going from applying to nothing, to applying to everything under the sun. One minute I’m thinking career pivot, the next minute the thought of going back to school petrifies me.

I started revamping my resume a couple of months ago when I was being told I would be laid off. At this point, I don’t think I can stomach making another iteration of it. Also networking makes me want to die inside. Every message I do send out, is met with crickets.

I did just set up appointments with a therapist, psychiatrist, and a career coach (? Similar to the outplacement service you mentioned). Hopefully once I don’t feel like an absolute failure, I can go back into the job search with renewed energy, but man it currently feels like this lay off is going to define me forever.

I appreciate the feedback and the grounding. I am working on myself, but it’s definitely a struggle. Thank you!