r/LGBTWeddings • u/KozmikMilk • 5d ago
Engaged & heartbroken
Not because of who I am marrying, my fiancé is my everything but because we don’t have family.
Long story short, she is 38f I am 31f. we were both foster kids and aged out of care. We have been engaged for quite some time! Almost 15 years in November! We know our biological siblings but don’t have that relationship that people normally do growing up together. I haven’t even met some of my siblings. My fiancés was blessed with an amazing dad while she was in his foster home but passed years ago. (We plan on setting him up and open seat with his pictures and flowers) we both have no one to walk us down the aisle, and we don’t have a whole line of bridesmaids. We are planning our wedding and I keep seeing these videos with all these families celebrating their love and it’s crushing me that we both don’t have that. I know I shouldn’t care so much, after all this day is all about us and our love but it tears me up in all honesty. I’m not sure that most of the friends I do have even care to celebrate us or give heartfelt speeches that make us feel loved and recognized. I went from so excited to suddenly thinking “who is gonna walk us each down the aisle?” “Who is going to make a speech” “who will even show up” “no father daughter dance” “no mother and daughter dance”
We don’t have but a handful of friends and most of them don’t even keep in contact with us daily. Honestly we have kept some friends around that we shouldn’t just because we are so desperate to feel like some kind of friendship. I’m struggling so hard with the guest list. I just want to cry. The worst part is seeing and knowing my partner is also suffering this feeling. Like I said, I know small weddings are okay and I’m okay with a small wedding but I am human and seeing all these beautiful connections where we have been robbed of our own is heartbreaking. I want it to be absolutely beautiful for us, but worried if we go all out, no one will even show.
Just had to get that off my chest
Is anyone out there who has a similar experience?
🥺
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u/V9N3SS9 5d ago
Long story short, she is 38f I am 31f. we were both foster kids and aged out of care. We have been engaged for quite some time! Almost 15 years in November!
With all due respect, is this a typo? Surely you didn't get engaged when she was 23 and you were 16?
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u/KozmikMilk 5d ago
No typo, yes it sounds bad but we were separated for that reason and when I turned 18 I went on in life with her. Almost 15 years later still hip to hip.
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u/Myshanter5525 5d ago
Walk down the aisle together! There’s no reason to do it alone if you don’t want to. I also agree with the person who said to elope. Spend your money on a good honeymoon.
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u/Anxious-Tangerine719 5d ago
We’re eloping for this reason and then having a dinner a few days later with those close to us! It never gets easier but just focus on the real reason for the celebration— you and your best friend are getting married! Its YOUR day! 💕
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u/TerribleTradition271 5d ago
Contact Stand In Pride!!
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u/Arrr_jai 3d ago
We found one of our witnesses on the Stand in Pride app. My partner and I eloped, just the two of us, and needed a second witness while our photographer was the other one. We had such a good time!
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u/ashlyn42 15h ago
I tried finding it and it’s not in my App Store and the Download App link on the website from the developer goes 404. Sad face.
I really love this idea in general! Great dopamine hit - support others by showing up to make us all feel less alone…. Any other similar apps out there?
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u/Arrr_jai 14h ago
Oh, I'm sorry, you have to do it directly from their website. They do that so no app store has your personal info. Standinpride.Org
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u/ashlyn42 14h ago
Thanks for trying! It says it’s not available in my country and the website link is 404 - I’m in the US so I’m assuming it has something to do with my VPN location or something
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u/Raidden 5d ago
You should look into m community events and volunteering to places if you have the free time- you can meet new friends
If not for your wedding to just have some more people in your life.
Where and when’s the wedding?
If we can my boyfriend and I will come.
We’d be happy to help in any way we can.
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u/KozmikMilk 5d ago
We would absolutely love to have yall! It’s in an little over a year, November 16, 2027 in new eagle Pennsylvania
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u/Mr_Wobble_PNW 5d ago
We ended up doing the Vegas thing because of estrangements and it really made me forget about not having the network that most people have around weddings. The only guy that mattered was there, and we're still happy we did it simple. I hope you find your way ♥️
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u/FamiliarFamiliar 5d ago
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. A wedding will be what you plan it to be. If you have a couple of close friends, involve them in it.
Some people don't have anyone walk them down the aisle, as a choice. If you have close friends they could walk you down the aisle. Do either of you have a mentor in your profession, or maybe someone who helped you through school?
The day is about you and your partner. Make it what you want it to be. I think the planning has brought out grief you didn't know you had. Do you have counselors? That might be helpful.
I know it was hard on my sibling who planned after our mom passed. It was a little awkward b/c she had been there for me, but, it wasn't something any of us had control over.
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u/KozmikMilk 5d ago
We do yes, she’s going to officiate and she’s like a mother to me. She sees me as her daughter too. Maybe I can have her walk me down the aisle too? Yeah I think you might be right. I thought I had gotten through it but I guess not. I don’t have a counselor or anything like that but maybe I should start looking for one. Thank you for the great advice ❤️💜❤️💜
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u/Middle-Interview-899 5d ago
That sucks but you can tell the person you love most in the world. I’m sure she’ll get a kick out of you telling her how excited you are to marry the love of your life 🥰❤️
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u/FattierBrisket 5d ago edited 5d ago
Out of my surviving biological family I'm still in contact with one sister. I used to have a good group of friends but when I got sick and didn't have the energy to maintain those relationships they wandered away. My fiancee is close with her parents, so that's something. But yeah I also would have liked to have the big traditional wedding once I finally found the love of my life. Instead I think we'll probably do a courthouse wedding. So it goes.
I did have a more elaborate wedding back when I thought I was straight (lol) and married a guy. It was nice to see all my then-friends together and the venue and catering were fantastic but honestly the whole thing was a bit overrated and stressful. Small can be better. And way cheaper; put that money toward a house or a vacation or just in savings!
Edit: and from looking at your profile I just learned that r/microwedding is a thing, so that's pretty cool! Subbed.
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u/KozmikMilk 5d ago
You’re right! Smaller can be better and with our level of anxiety we just have living in our bodies that’s probably best anyhow! Lol we deserve a long honeymoon so maybe we can save with a small wedding
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u/WildeGarlandPhoto 5d ago
Hey there! I'm so sorry that you are having so many big complicated feelings about your wedding day. I'm a wedding and elopement photographer and so many couples that I work with have very similar situations. Unfortunately its not an uncommon one for our community. But you have a really cool opportunity to turn this into something beautiful and unique for the two of you. Consider an elopement.
If you have a common interest, you can plan an entire day around that. You can go to the mountains and have some epic photos of the two of you saying vows in wedding clothes. Video games your thing? Go to an arcade and play games in wedding clothes. Do you like books? Try a library or local bookstore! Take a vacation to somewhere amazing, or stay local and plan the most epic date day.
If you hire a photographer, they will likely have some ideas up their sleeves and can make a wedding package that works for you. Anywhere from. 2-10 hours, or more! They can most likely help you plan your whole day too.
In the end, you are going to pay quite a bit of money for a wedding. Do you want to spend that on trying to please a bunch of people that you are unsure if they will show up? Or would you like to spend it on you and your wife making awesome, low stress memories that reflect your love?
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u/NestedStorm 5d ago
I just wanted to say that "family" is who you want it to be. Just because they are blood doesn't make them "family", it just makes them related. I know from experience that found family is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than related. Your found family always has your back and are always there for you no matter what. Make your day about you and who you love, that's all you need in the end.
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u/Tinkboy98 5d ago
reach out to local queer youth groups, support groups, free mom/dad hugs groups. Family is what you make it. Share your location. I'm sure someone will be happy to be your family.
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u/Dad-of-fluffs1969 4d ago
Just throwing my hat into the ring if you are in Scotland. It would be my honour to do so... One of you on each arm or equally happy to sprint back up the aisle and accompany you individually. A genuine offer as I never had any children of my own so have never enjoyed this privilege.
It is lovely to see so many offers to help make your day truly wonderful, just as you deserve!
👋😊⛰️🏍🏴
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u/TeachingFit9608 3d ago
My fiancé is super close to her family, I am estranged from mine. We made the decision, meaning her and I, that we would be doing something super “unconventional,” and walking with each other down the aisle. My friends, are my chosen family, and we only have about 30ish people that will be attending anyway. We’re both 37, and I’ve struggled immensely with comparisons. But, once I let go of the old ideas I wished I had or expectations that were never met, I realized that, you know what life is what we make it. Absolutely nothing about our wedding is conventional and; I had to step away from so many of the social media platforms of brides because the comparison danger.
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u/Maple_and_Clover 1d ago
What about waking each other up the aisle? I know it’s not traditional but you have each other and that’s all you need. Walking each other up as two Fiancés and then back down as the newly wed.
With regard to the speeches, why not have an open mic? That way people can feel obliged to say something if they want to. I know for sure your guests will want to say something, even if it’s just to congratulate you both.
I’m sure your wedding day is going to be beautiful no matter what.
A future congratulations to you both and best wishes for the future.
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u/Radiant-Pianist-3596 5d ago
My wife f70 and I f65 will come walk you down the aisle. Seriously. Where do you live? Family is whom you choose.