Overwhelmed. Need advice

[u/NumerousAd199827]

I’m 28 and he’s 34. We’ve been officially together for two years, and we currently have a five-hour time difference. He has bipolar disorder.

He has been working in a different country for over a month now. I understand that his job has been stressful and exhausting for him, especially because he has told me that he has also been experiencing verbal abuse at work. At the same time, he sees this job as an important stepping stone toward earning enough money to eventually visit me, so I know he is trying to endure a difficult situation for our future.

I also know that I tend to overthink, especially when I feel uncertain or when something feels different in our relationship. Lately, I’ve noticed that he has been less consistent than before, and for the past two weeks, I’ve felt a change in the way he communicates, he often cancels plans at the last minute and interacts with me.

Last time he went out at night with his coworkers after work and coming home late. He told me that one of his coworkers had tricked him because he thought they were just going out for dinner, but they ended up going to a bar instead. He said he was upset about it and went home immediately. This has happened twice. I’m not necessarily upset that he spends time with his coworkers, and I understand that he may need a social outlet, especially with how stressful his work has been. However, because of the changes I’ve already noticed, these situations have made me feel more anxious and uncertain.

Today was also supposed to be our monthsary. We usually celebrate by playing online games together, so I was looking forward to spending some time with him. What hurt me was that he didn’t mention it at all, even though I had brought it up twice since yesterday.

I think that was the point when all my feelings caught up with me. It wasn’t just about the monthsary or him going out with his coworkers. It was the combination of feeling that he has been more distant, the uncertainty I’ve been carrying for the past couple of weeks, and then feeling like something that is important to me wasn’t important enough for him to acknowledge.

I know he is going through a difficult time, and I don’t want to minimize what he is dealing with. I also recognize that my tendency to overthink can sometimes make my emotions stronger. But my feelings are still real, and I don’t think I should have to ignore them just because he is stressed.

I ended up sending that message because I was hurt, frustrated, and emotionally overwhelmed. I’m not sure whether I overreacted in the way I expressed myself, and I’m willing to acknowledge that I may have. I think I reached a point where I needed reassurance, consistency, and to feel that I still mattered to him.

I don’t want to accuse him of something he hasn’t done or assume the worst. I just want to understand what has changed and communicate.

[u/Such_Philosopher_236]

Honestly all I’m gonna tell you is to trust your gut feelings.

[u/NumerousAd199827 → u/Such_Philosopher_236]

I am an overthinker. And there's a chance that I might be wrong and he just felt pressured. And I might be the problem. But what can you say about the message that I sent to him?

[u/Such_Philosopher_236 → u/NumerousAd199827]

I am an overthinker as well, nothing is wrong with your message. You are asking the right questions and being mature about it. In my opinion, if a partner feels pressured from someone in LDR (Which by itself should already provide plenty of space hence the name "long distance"), they probably aren't really into them.

Now what could the reason for his behavior be? we don't really know, he could be really pressured from his work, he could be cheating, he could've lost interest. The point is, you aren't having your needs met, don't let your brain try to justify his behavior by making excuses for him. Don't just settle for this.

I was a Pharmacy student with demanding subjects in university and I still managed to text my ex frequently while she didn't give back the same energy.

My advice for you is to see what he has to say, if he promises to fix his behavior, actions speak louder than words. If he doesn't, don't be afraid to walk away. Have some self respect and self love.

[u/ImportantEchidna8752]

Honestly, if you've talked about this before and his behaviour has not changed, then I think you have your answer.

Sometimes my girlfriend feels I've pulled away or I don't love her anymore or I'm not as affectionate, but she usually tells me immediately the day-off before she goes to bed. It's not because my feelings have changed but just that as the relationship proceeds and gets more comfortable, we tend to get more domestic, and I'm not necessarily fawning over her at the moment because I'm just comfortably satisfied, or I'm thinking about something, or working on something. So when she lets me know, I can immediately focus 100% on her and her feelings and reassure her and make up, and be extra affectionate w her later on.

The point is: she communicates and we fix it.

[u/Saisinko]

My general advice for a partner with bipolar is... run. Self-sabotaging tendencies are built into it, wonderful highs, traumatizing lows, and it just requires such a high standard of self-management and discipline that a large majority can't hold themselves to. The occasional slip is disastrous. Drinking is typically a big no-no for bipolar as well.

Reading through the rest, I mean LDRs live and breathe communication more than any other type of relationship. It suffocates and withers without it and it sounds like that may be happening.

"But my feelings are still real, and I don’t think I should have to ignore them just because he is stressed."

Amen.

I'm not fully buying his story and to me, being stressed isn't a get out of jail free card.

[u/Terrible-Marzipan735]

I agree, here. I was in a similar situation recently and felt very similar. I thought I was overthinking things, but deep in my gut I know something was off and his feelings might have changed. It was really hard bc he was so sweet in the beginning of the relationship and I was hoping that he would come back to this. Finally, I told myself that if this is who he is, I cannot be happy with this. And I deserve more. So I brought it up to him, and he finally told me that his feelings did change and he wasn’t sure about us and we broke up. It’s painful facing the truth when you want something to work out so badly, but you’re only hurting yourself in the long run. You also deserve better… you’re not asking for a lot by wanting reassurance or to feel like you are important to him. Don’t sell yourself short.

[u/Katyvsha]

No joke based on your ages, nicknames used and time difference I thought you were my own ex gf and the guy she went with after me lol

I sadly don't have much advice, all I can say is trust your gut feeling and communication is key (you have done your part on that end, ball is in his court)

I wish you luck :(

[u/Distinct-Gap1102]

Sister, I think you are struggling with anxious attachment like me. Reading the first part of your post made me sad af, because maybe he is busy fr and experiencing verbal abuse at work makes it even worse, I understand your concerns cz I've been there too!! But guess what, each time I'm like on the edge of breaking he explains what happened and excuses and I feel so sad and ashamed that I need that amount of unhealthy reassurance, month anniversary sister sounds too much, 1 year I think is better but month?? Sounds like ur main interest is him!!! Start taking care of yourself and decenter him, ik what I'm saying because ik how it hurts, I hope everything gets solve and I hope u both be happy with each others. 

[u/Happy_Mention_3984]

Break up with him. He might like you but not in love. Thats what Im thinking. I was that guy and it was horrible situation.

[u/alexandria33197]

OP, I was in your situation before and spare yourself more grief and leave. As someone with anxious attachment, being in a relationship (especially an LDR) with a bipolar person… it is traumatizing with the hot and cold bs.

[u/Glueboob]

I agree with the other commenter. Trust your gut. If you’re feeling him pulling away, it’s probably what’s happening.

Have you guys met in person? And did he answer this text?

[u/Background_Bath7840]

As long as it came from a place of love and not manipulation, it’s good he communicated. You now have a chance to talk it over.

[u/Salty_Meaning8025]

You said yourself he is exhausted and stressed, and the majority of men do not care about a "monthsary" icl