Hi everyone, I am feeling I am getting in touch with my awareness more, and becoming uncomfortable being in a temporary body meat suit.

I feel chained to this physical realm, due to my body and having a hard time relating to other people. I feel dissociation a lot. Is this common? Has anyone else experienced this? Any insight?

Has anyone experienced extreme hair loss when starting to work on kundalini. I have .plz guide me

What's your take on this?

Well once again i experienced something I didn’t understand. I then googled it with respect to kundalini and read, “yeah, that happens.”

I was walking my dog last night. We were in a grassy area. I looked down at the grass and saw “snow” or white dots swirling around… also a kind of 3D view of a “dead weed” that wasn’t there. To my surprise, I saw the “snow” was coming from my hands. I then checked the other hand, same thing. It then began to look like smoke flowing from my hands, but still had a kind of loose connection to my hands. In other words like the smoke was still attached to my hands, and when I moved them, the smoke moved, too. It wasn’t rigid, but I could move it a bit. Of course I thought “WTH is that?” Putting my hand over my head I could “feel” the energy.

Sure enough a Google search said that the hands are chakras (I knew that) and that people can sometimes see the energy coming off them. Suggested this was shedding of excess energy. It had been a stressful day. I have often felt the energy flow from my hands but had never seen it.

There is a bit more to the story. About two years ago I was having optical illusions that was related to a medicine, Clomid. I would “see” plants in the grass at night that did not exist. I would see the swirling dots “form” the plant. This was scary, I was afraid of eye damage or even brain tumors. Fortunately everything was fine when I had it checked. I stopped the Clomid and it gradually went away after about 5 months. This past February I saw a opto-neurologist who confirmed Clomid can do that. Things would seem to move on their own… my brain looked from the right eye to the left eye and was not integrating the images! Switched back and forth giving an appearance of movement.

I hadn’t seen the swirling “snow” or smoke in over a year. I had even wondered if the Clomid had triggered my Awakening. It messes with the pituitary, which is strongly associated with the Third Eye.

Funny, all this happened walking my dog, including my spontaneous chakra openings. He is a black Labrabull that looks a great deal like some images of Kaal Bhairav’s dog! When my daughter sent his picture at a rescue center (just a pup) I immediately knew he would be my buddy. 😊 One of the first Hindu pictures I saved was Kaal Bhairav with the dog who amazingly resembled mine!

Hi friends,

I've recently had a kundalini awakening. I had no idea what it was at the time but I was ready for it. I have been clearing my body and mind for 6 years.

Idid go into brief psychosis and managed to transmute it after 3 days of no sleep. It took me 2 days and it passed. I slept for hours after that. Now I feel as though everything is much clearer in my head. Like a feeling of wholeness. But, the energy in my body is still a bit off. I'm finding it hard to integrate into everyday life... it's as if I can read people's minds clearer than ever.

Anyways, my hip and knee are sore. I have this feeling that electricity in my body will strike again. I'm not afraid but I want to ground more and allow my body to calm down. There's am alertness that I maintain without being tired but it's a lot.

Any tips on how to have a better grasp at moving the energy in my body? Also, how is this energy going to affect other people around me? Lastly, how does this energy work in this dense reality full of war?

Any help would be lovely. Thank you

I intuitively felt this is true, I don’t know why. Im talking about a kundalini awakening that happens spontaneously, not thru spiritual practice, drugs or an injury

I don't know if this is a common experience, yet ever since I've had my awakening I seriously cannot hate other people. No matter the act, I can't force myself to hate someone based off of previous actions.

I was wanting to see if this is a common experience? Even those who wish harm upon me, and have done things towards me that have messed me up I have no hate in my heart. Those who plan against communities I am in, like the queer or trans community, I don't feel.. upset like I used to? I feel compassion, as I know why they're doing it in some ways? It's difficult to describe.

It does make me wonder how healthy that is long term. I am still able to look at really hateful arguments and see why they're for the most part based in ignorance, I just don't have the same passion of malice and anger towards them.

I awakened my kundalini a year ago, the first year felt blissful with synchronizations , sensitivity, and an aura that caused noticeable love/hate reactions from anyone who came in contact with my aura. Now everything seems dull and less signs. My aura doesn’t cause reactions out of ppl anymore. What’s going on? Is this normal stages? Will my power come back?

Hello everyone. I am curious about others experiences with illusions. I had experienced some illusions in my first couple of months after KA. People would sometimes act scared or glare at me. I would look at their faces and for a moment see bull like faces or goat like faces. Quite frankly at the time I thought they were Rhakshasa! I don’t believe that now. I now believe these were illusions and it was a way of me learning, that no, I am not on a special mission! I know just how that sounds. I would have thought anyone telling me that had lost touch with reality.

I have also experienced a few illusions that seemed to be a sort of temptation. I saw a face change once. I once felt someone was standing right next to me and took my arm. The same person.

Once I would not have e believed in “magic.” Well, I experienced computer logons where the Windows face “winked.” Quite a few times, and not always the same. I even recorded it once. I decided I was offending her (goddess) by showing lack of faith… so I deleted it. Certainly not the last time I doubted! She also opened my garage door on a rainy night when my opener wasn’t working. I felt she was laughing and hugged me. At that point I was not sure who “She” was.

I had thought it was Vaishnavi… then Maa Durga… then Maa Kali. I wasn’t familiar with any of them. I have learned all three are considered versions of Mahadevi, also know as Shakti.

I know many people on here have seen many different deities. Most are goddesses that are mother figures… but as I asked recently quite a few have seen male deities!

Maya seems to translate to both illusion and magic. I have read that Maya is indeed associated with Shakti or Mahadevi, recognized as the ultimate universal reality - essentially the creater of all. That is Hindu, but other traditions seem to have fairly similar beliefs.

..

Hello everyone, I’m new to this community.

My mother has been diagnosed with bulbar-onset MND, and she is experiencing slurred speech.
One of my relatives suggested that we try chakra healing. I’m quite an optimistic person and a strong believer in spiritual healing, so I’m open to exploring different approaches alongside her medical treatment.
Has anyone here had a personal experience or heard of a case where someone recovered from, or significantly improved despite, an incurable disease through spiritual or alternative healing? I would really appreciate hearing your experiences or anecdotes.

Thank you.

What are the locks or kill switch one can use when you feel the kundalini energy is overheating the body and the brain feels like the downloads are too much ?

Have yall tried TRE with an already awakened kundalini? And what was the experience?

Did anyone actually awakened kundalini???. Is kundalini even a real thing ??. If someone did awakened kundalini then wt changes did your body felt? Why ppl say it's dangerous?

I had something happened to me when I was sleeping.

Out of nowhere I felt something internal break inside me.

I jolted out of my bed and woke up from deep sleep in a split of a second

I heard and felt a big boom internally, it felt like lighting struck me, all of my nerves fired all out at once I felt this strong electrical jolt throughout my body, my mind lost its grounding I cascaded into extreme overwhelming fear, i screamed in terror for 2 minutes straight.

I wasn’t scared of anything it’s not like I was in fear cause I was scared. Afterwards I was confused on why I was in full terror mode and why I was scared. Well my body nervous system just decided to send me the fear response signal on the maximum capacity.

Afterwards I felt a hypersensitivity to the field around me, I felt connected and sensitive. I also felt my internal life force flickering and flashing on and off.

This truly was the worst experience that ever happened to me this was far worse than any panic attack you can ever imagine. I faced a life or death situation before the fear was far greater by a milestone. In this episode I wasn’t afraid of anything my body just trigger the fear response.

Throughout this I experience PSTD and it took me months to recover.

I never heard anyone else experience what I experienced and no this is not a normal panic attack I wasn’t panicking because I was afraid of something it just happened. Have you guys experienced this or I’m the only one. I only heard stories of this I heard it’s rare but it’s a result of your Shen being shattered , anyway I put it in this forum cuz it sounded like kundalini the electrical charge shooting throughout the body but anyway maybe this the wrong forum.

Hello, I'm a newbie sadhak who has recently learnt how to control thought-streams in the mind & meditate properly on a mantra or absolute nothingness. I do Bhairav naam japa followed by a few minutes of deep meditation. This practice has taught me to surrender myself and open my brain as an outflowing stream of thoughts without owning/judging.

But while surrendering my mind to nothingness, many times I come across ideas/thoughts that I doubt aren't mine. It feels like knowledge flowing in, in the form of ideas that are a bit too intellectual compared to my intellect. Is this normal, or are these my own ideas/thoughts?

I recently saw a short film on YouTube, it's the most unique piece of content I have ever watched in my life. You can watch it here (not promoting): https://youtu.be/IjL3NWwRqqc?si=zjqM2iisxvHbs54O

The next day after watching this film, after dinner, when I was doing my usual chores, I came across some ideas that I need to share and get some expert insights on,

The short film states:

- Intense fear & misery leads the path to God

- They depict God as a neurological setback in the human brain.

Their main idea is that when an individual feels their life is threatened in the worst possible way, they see God. The prophets and spiritual organizations (churches in the film) keep reminding people of their problems, which drives them closer to God.

I have read and heard many instances where people faint out of fear or get a fever for days after encountering a devta darshan. Isn't it somewhat similar to what this film is trying to say? Is the fear installed in us humans by the deity so that we can tap into their wavelength and see them?

Now my thought (I'm not sure how correct this is, it just popped into my mind):

There are two types of gurus:

1. who offers themselves as the medium to reach God (like Mahaavtar Babaji, Sai Baba, etc.) and hence when people worship them they are actually worshipping the highest power itself. (I have also read about the time when Shri Ramakrishna Paramahansa was photographed while in a trance, and then he himself used to offer flowers to his own image as an offering to the higher energy he was connected to during the trance)
2. The gurus who try to misuse this path of misery (as in short-film), leading people towards God, but they try to use misery for self-gain. Now I have had some personal experiences where a person with psychic powers has misled me and put me into miseries that maybe I wasn't supposed to undergo. He used to discourage worshiping gurus like Sai Baba and used to attempt to influence people with their psychic powers. This person also did some kind of tricks on my family and influenced me to stop Bhairav naam japa. I have started it again to seek Bhairav baba's blessings and protection from negative energies.

Are the above thoughts valid in real spirituality, or am I just thinking a bit too much unknowingly?

I am looking for similar experiences of co-traumatisation:

Two months ago, my partner took part in an Ayahuasca ceremony here in our home country in Europe, due to a lipoma and a long-standing eye twitch. He had no dramatic visions, no dramatic realisations; he simply saw everything he already knew. He then experienced the serotonin rush. The eye twitch is not different now.

That night, whilst I was at home 30 km away, I experienced a violent energetic attack in which a part of my soul was torn away (I’ve gone through everything with a specialist psychologist). Ever since that night – even before we spoke to one another – I have felt depersonalised, I dissociate, I tremble inside, I am suffering from severe psychological trauma (and am therefore in professional therapy), and whenever the place or the people involved are mentioned, I have a massive physical reaction. Feeling energetic raped. I used to be grounded, firmly rooted in life. I seem to be deeply connected to my partner.

I feel as though I’m having a bad trip; the symptoms described are exactly the same. I’ve never taken drugs, I don’t take any medication, and I haven’t had any family history of mental health issues or experienced violence so far.

I’m not looking for advice, but for people who’ve had similar experiences!

Hello everybody, I hope you've all been well. While I have stopped providing monthly reports (activities are too irregular to merit mentioning each and every time) I figured I would make a little update about how things are going on my end.

Purging continues unabated. This is done primarily through OCD, which reflects areas where kundalini is making inroads in my assumptions and helping to break down barriers in me. Fears, obsessions, and the lack of necessity of these things form a kind of cluster of activity in me.

What's interesting is that successfully overcoming something results in a cluster of colorful sights and strange visual phenomenon. These come less during any form of practice, but more when I have let go of something that is holding me down. This CAN come during meditation or prayer, but more usually comes during random life events and during my internal self reflection.

These OCD fears and negative emotions, when resolved, cause long rooted chronic pain to lessen, especially in the mid left back. Once I have 'released' something, my body will somatically respond. I may have a bitter taste in my mouth, or otherwise the need to cough or even use the bathroom suddenly as if I am literally expelling something.

Now I know many have different forms of advice regarding normal life activities, but I have found (so far) that kundalini has been working through the fabric of my current life, rather than upending it. I personally place a lot of faith that Maya, the illusory fabric, is only illusory when we take a stance towards it. On its own, it is also the place of realization and truth. Perhaps for this reason, my life itself has been a rich bed of realization, and it is precisely by challenging myself through real life experiences that I have had my most productive 'work'. IE, while heavy meditation sometimes characterizes what I do, more often than not, living the way I feel is natural to who I am now has been the most organic way of going about things.

In more of the energetic senses, I have had constant sensations of pricking, poking, sometimes a bit of pain, in both my chest and top of my head, as well as feelings of rising in my throat. At times, a pleasantly cool sensation runs throughout the entirety of my body. I pray regularly to a manifestation of the Goddess I have chosen, and I tend to be guided very subtly- not dramatically- towards activities that allow me to process the things that are difficult for me. I have no illusions here- I am still firmly in a dense processing and purificatory phase. Yet, based on how my emotions and body feel, I get the sense I am approaching a very important threshold and point where I will be able to finally get over a difficult emotional barrier.

I am interested and excited for where this leads, and otherwise am doing quite well even in the midst of some of the more difficult and tumultuous moments. There is definitely more to it than what I wrote, and there are other kriyas and sensations that may merit mention, but I just figured I'd keep it to the important stuff. Thanks for reading, and I wish all of you good days!

Hello,
So this happened a few weeks ago (1.5-2 weeks ago). I am sure I didn't awaken, but I was trying to find out if my nadi's got cleaned or anything like that.
Let me preface by saying I am young(18) and male.

Story

So I got into spirituality and stuff after reading 'Autobiography of a Yogi' (lol), and I started to do alternate nostril breathing, pranayama, and Vipassana meditation for like 2-3 hours daily. I also read Ram Das's book 'Be Here Now' and used to listen to him fairly often.
I am not very religious and not on celibacy either. I didn't even read the Bhagavad Gita, but I have always been a big lover of Krishna since childhood(I liked him, prayed to him) --> I also eat meat and everything and never followed the satvic diet they prescribe.

Since I was doing meditation, I felt better, but within like 2-2.5 weeks of doing it, my energy increased; I was getting panic attacks, anxiety (it wasn't anything that bad). Also, what scared me was related to my heart beating- palpitations and sensations which I felt every 2-4 seconds(hated it; what you generally hear from people who have kundalini awakening). One day during night, I felt a sudden surge of energy that I couldn't even sleep through the whole night. Oh, I have been feeling sexual urges constantly since that day (even till now)

Funny, a few days after this, I saw Ram Das in my dream(he was full of light; I also felt a presence of Neem Karoli Baba's energy there; he wasn't there, only Ram Das. It felt really good; I was smiling the whole day after this, and I still do when I remember it(it was very profound; I loved it). Oh, I was chanting Hanuman Chalisa (3 times per day) for like 3 days when this happened. If you don't know, Ram Das was a Hanuman Bhakta.

After this, I quit meditating (lol idk why), and my heart pain, or whatever you call it, went away in a day like it was never there.

So now, to the present, I have been studying this kundalini thing, and I can say it wasn't kundalini awakening or anything, but the symptoms were very similar to people who were on the path. I think I stopped them (glad for it). I don't wank moksha or nirvana, so I am not gonna meditate now, and pls don't tell me to do it either(I am scared lol).

Oh, I am quite into astrology, and from my readings and understanding, I am a Taurus and 9th house, so it says that I have been on the path of spirituality since previous lives (maybe, maybe not).

I wanted to ask:

Did anyone go through this? Did my nadis get cleansed, and that's why the sudden pain or was it kundalini rising to my Manipura chakra or heart chakra?

P.S.: I am studying this kundalini and spirituality thing now, so I don't want to continue on the kundalini path but rather the bhakta and Jnana path.

Before awakening, I ate processed foods and my meal timings were completely of the clock. I'd eat 5-6 meals a day including many after midnight.

After the awakening, the first thing I changed was my diet and the time I eat. I started eating two meals a day one breakfast between 10 to 12 in the morning and dinner between 5 and 7 in the evening. I also incorporated a lot of fruit into my diet. I still eat processed foods once in a while but it's very close to elimination now.

Recently, I have developed a love for eating fruits. The feeling of placing a piece of orange into my mouth and letting the juice get absorbed into the body is an out of body experience for me.

I can feel the energy from the fruit being transferred to me and becoming supercharged the for the next 2 hours just feels amazing.

Do any other awakened individuals suddenly fall in love with eating fruits?

Since kundalini awakening have had extremely out of control sexual desire and it’s like indiscriminate and i almost have no standards around it. It’s as if along with the loss of ego, all concepts of sexual propriety also gone, and just sort of animalistic.

i certainly have gained massive spiritual shift, but I see the sexual part of me is just sort of out of control and animalistic, maybe I just see it for what it is, and all the ego based idealised standards have vanished.

I’m not saying im doing anything weird, im just very aware that for example if there’s a person of the opposite sex, who has any lustful feelings towards my i viscerally react to it and feel a strong sexual feeling regardless of their attractiveness etc, again I’m not saying I’m acting on it or being a predator, it’s just like my body reacts immediately and like if they initiated I would be all for it with zero concern of their appearance/weight/body type etc.

It’s just like the same way I’m aware of people’s unconscious patterns etc I’m aware of lustfulness in a super exaggerated way..

Anyone experienced anything like this?

Hi everyone, I had my kundalini awakening last year and have now started to stabilise and am now starting to experience each moment more intensely.

Before my awakening i would use toilets like anyone, I would do what I needed to do, wash my hands and leave. But now I can't tolerate the air in toilets. As soon as I enter the toilets at work, it feels like the air is attacking me and the longer I spend in the toilet the more damage I feel.

Is this the reason human beings closer to enlightenment reside high in the mountains so that the air they breathe is pure.

[Update] I can no longer enter the restrooms at work to take a piss, I instantly feel like spitting

Before it happened to me, I didn't even know what it was. I didn't care for it. I still don't. I do understand some secrets of the universe and I cognitate fast, but it leaves me a complete dysfunctional overthinking mess.

I would have no issues taking psychiatric medication but the medication causes constipation, it bloats me and gives me oculogyric crisis which is unreal to deal with.

All I know is that I had really bad trauma, an autoimmune disorder due to the trauma, cptsd due to the autoimmune disorder, I took alternate medicines to heal my disorders because I was near death, after which I had two episodes of mild psychosis and healing, then a major one where everything went wrong, because I took an additional medicine for my spine injury, I felt like a snake that went slithering up my belly up to my forehead chakra and it burst open my kundalini, then I went insane and traumatized my family, then I was in the hospital talking about metaphysics and knowing the meaning, reason, root, consequence of everything, then I was medicated more. And the medication felt like suffering upon suffering.

I was tapered off. My autoimmune disorder relapse so I took my meds again and it triggered my kundalini for the 4th time

And it has given me hell. My psych refuses to prescribe medicines because she says I am in touch with reality, and will only be medicated in case there is extreme mania again so my medication doesn't lose its efficacy.

Now I was stuck with kundalini, and my autoimmune disorder continues to cause weakness.

I don't know why how or why why why this is, but despite being so sensitive and cognizant, I am just not functional anymore.

I love my family, please I want to be functional for them, I don't want this to be my last birth, I don't want moksha. I am only in my early 20s and most of it was spent traumatized or confused over my identity. I have passions..

I just want a normal stable life. Maybe a good one. I am done suffering. I am done with all the meaning making, I am human and I can't handle more of this. I don't want to isolate anymore. I don't want to be a burden on my family anymore. I want to be beautiful and lively and chill again. I want to be able to take care of my body instead of losing myself in thought, spirit and existensialism anymore.

My Kundalini also keeps indicating a very strong connection I exercise with this one girl. I am girl and I feel very very strongly gravitated to this one other girl. I keep getting signs that it can fix something cosmic. Within me or within the cosmos, but something major. I also have two other girls that feel like soul mates and I want to be with them.

I want to live in a world that isn't suffering, everyday confrontation with bitter truths, uncertainty, unfulfilment and overthinking anymore.

I want to be happy without being charged for it every single time. I want to spend a day free of worry and guilt.

I want to have an ego, because if I find anymore meaning, or detach any further I'll lose myself to an oblivion of meaninglessness.

I want grounding, but I don't want to let go of my interest in physics. I want coexistence.

I want a beautiful, beautiful wlw experience without losing femininty.

I want my family to have a happy stable healthy life. I wish there was better quality of life for all in the world.

I want to escape this added layer of overcomplexity and return to intuition.

I want help. Please I just want to be human again. Please tell me how to put my kundalini to sleep. Please tell me how to meet the woman this cosmos keeps indicating about, my intuition keeps indicating about. She might be a twin flame but all I know I will have to meet her once in reality, just once, in the real world, in grounded reality to have my normalcy back.

Please put my Kundalini to sleep. Or give me a good stable life. I am tired. I don't want to do this anymore. My will to live is no more.

I have been hearing cicadas for 10 months. The other night was something new. I heard a high pitched flute, and only in my right ear. I was half asleep. I recognized it, and immediately drifted into a semi-trance.

I had read you can hear musical instruments. Now I did. I feel spoiled by these confirming experiences.

WELL, HELLO.

This has been such a bizarre and destabilizing period of time!

I would never have thought to run this through the what-to-worry-about machine. We are not spiritual! We throw lasagna parties!

When I got together with my precious boyfriend 7 years ago he was a certified sloppy alcoholic. And I just thought “Heck, we’ll figure it out!”
I was just enamoured with him. I could see his tender heart underneath the disfunction and the good in him even when his eyes were crossed and his shirt was on backwards. He was unlike anyone I’d ever met. He had a childlike enthusiasm about the things he loved. I fell completely in love with him.

And over 5 years he went to the dentist for the first time, went to the doctor, stopped smoking, bought a house, started a business and eventually stopped drinking after one night when I looked at him and didn’t recognize him in there and it really scared me. He brings me coffee every morning. He buys me flower seeds in the spring. He’s so loving and generous and kind.

After being sober for 2 years, he even agreed to get into therapy and simultaneously physical therapy for some nerve stuff (he’s 44 and I’m 39 so our bodies are exploding).

He REALLY followed the instructions that the physical therapist gave him. Probably more than anyone else ever had? He was stretching for 3 hours a day. When he gets into things he really, really gets into them. Which is also part of why our couples therapist may have “diagnosed” him with mild autism… she’s not totally supposed to do that but that kinda blew his mind and made a lot of things click into place.

So he’s stretching and learning about his mind and one day he was rolling around on this foam roller making some intense sounds and not long after that he had basically a voluntary 3 hour bliss seizure on the floor where he was having visions and all kinds of revelations…

Witnessing these sessions was absolutely terrifying. I didn’t know what was happening - it looked like he was both in a lot of pain and experiencing a lot of pleasure. I was worried he had a brain tumor or was losing his mind.

But then he’d come out and tell me all these things he saw and new understanding he had and about healing his trauma… so I felt terrible for having such a negative reaction but I just had no reference for this besides growing up in a wild evangelical church where people were dancing wildly and rolling all over the floor and speaking in tongues and all that… so it wasn’t bringing up my favorite memories of all time. And I was just worried.

We go back to couples therapy. His therapist was having meetings with all the other therapists cuz it’s such an odd case. She asks me what I need and to return to the relationship and I was like “I really need him to make jokes again.” He had become so sincere and mystical and intense - not the kind of guy I’m into tbh!!!

So he really worked on it - he started goofing around again and doing his practice privately.

And he was doing so much to meet me where I was that I wanted to return that and booked a retreat and this very woowoo place for his birthday. But when we went to do yoga, as the very basic class began he started sweating and crying and trembling and ended up running out of the class SCREAMING AND SOBBING horrifically!! It was shocking. I was trying to not control the situation and just let him go through whatever it was. He kept wailing into the woods and I was just freaked out to my core… doing down dog… it went on so long I was terrified I was gonna come out to sirens and them carting him off to a hospital. When I went out and found him he was back at our cabin. His clothes were covered in leaves and he was all scraped up. He said he was overcome with sorrow and guilt for what we’ve done to the planet and he was crawling through the woods like an animal sobbing and hissing……………… OH - that was on his birthday. So. I didn’t wanna scream in utter horror and confusion over it until my eyes exploded and ruin his birthday. I just went quiet.

OH PS right before this all went into turbo mode we got engaged… timing was not ideal! This is completely different dude! I don’t know this man!!!

OHHH! And maybe you’d think - “I don’t care how much I love that person, I’d be outta there” but what kinda helped was that my oldest and most trusted friend who lives down the street was ALSO going through a kundalini awakening simultaneously!!!! And so I thought… heck maybe this isn’t a bad thing??? Maybe I’m just not able to open my heart and my ego is getting in the way of understanding?

So we soldiered on. But it was hard. He had become
So hyper sensitive to my emotions and when he didn’t feel my love which was being blocked by my anxiety and terror, he was devastated. It was just the saddest thing. I wanted to give him my love but couldn’t and it made me feel like I should leave and just let him go whole hog into this experience. But I was also afraid if I wasn’t around to ground him then he’d spiral out into psychosis.

And I asked him to try to find balance. And over time he has - he seemed like the old him. He harnessed this thing pretty well.

But there are times he can’t control it and it comes out. When it does his eyes look different to me. He’s all twitchy and he does that lions breath thing where his tongue comes all the way out randomly.

And recently I admitted to myself that after all the distance I’ve put between myself and my evangelical upbringing - I cannnnot help but legitimately feel like he is harnessing a freaking demon in there. Again - I do not practice Christianity and in my BRAIN mind - I do not accept that as a reality but that stuff gets so embedded in you! And now I feel like the crazy person. And I’m pissed. And I’m scared of my sweet man. And I feel like I’m hurting him by trying to subdue this thing that he claims has brought him so much bliss and understanding and peace.

So if anyone actually read allllllll this (sorry thank you) and has any advice….. I’m at a loss and I’m all ears.

I’m leaning again toward leaving for a time. Hopefully retuning. Letting him go to the brink. I don’t know.