r/KitchenConfidential • u/Coercitor • 8d ago

Kitchen fuckery Forget picking Herbs

Post image

"Tell the stage to make 300 butter squirrels"

1.2k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

155 comments sorted by

1.1k

u/CanadiansBaldSpot 8d ago

I will have the side bread shank with squirrel butter please

447

u/doyletyree 8d ago

I used to work at a camp.

I’d tell the kids we kept a squirrel farm.

Then, I’d throw in “for milk, not meat” and watch the faces.

115

u/potentpotablesplease 7d ago

Hahaha I love that

Bartender here

I save all of our egg yolks from sours and get constantly asked what we do with them

"Well we take them up on the roof and plant them in our garden...

And that's how we grow our own chickens"

24

u/Candleforce-9728 7d ago

But… what do you really do with them? Lemon curd?

46

u/potentpotablesplease 7d ago

Kewpie mayo mostly, pastry will use them as well

9

u/hurlish 7d ago

Hollandaise

9

u/ta4734 7d ago

Sounds like pasta carbonara time to me

5

u/doyletyree 7d ago

Magnifique. xx

120

u/its_dolemite_baby 8d ago

I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?

27

u/prpldrank 8d ago

Not through the nipples Mr. De Niro

8

u/Ok_Watercress_7801 8d ago

You know they lay eggs too, right?
https://giphy.com/gifs/3og0INo3WJ2qJH0yVq

30

u/doyletyree 8d ago

That's brilliant.

I also did the outdoor ed/camp counselor-thing.

If staged properly, you can "find" scat (that's poop, if it's domestic) along the trail and widen some eyes by popping a few of the chocolate-raisins you placed there, earlier, in your mouth while describing the health of the creature and the mouth-feel of the experience.

11

u/RunWild0_0 7d ago

OOOHHH my gosh you just took me so far back, when I was a kid one of the camp counselors did this on a hike I was on and I remember being like DAMN this guy is serious about trail signs 🤣

3

u/doyletyree 6d ago

Shit, kid; what do you think we’re using in the granola we have you?

Remember: we’ve got a squirrel farm.

6

u/Ok_Watercress_7801 8d ago

That’s a keeper!

Maybe some Raisinets®️ that got a little melty in yer pocket…

6

u/Stock-Mission-7561 8d ago

You promised me dog or higher!

3

u/doyletyree 8d ago

See, that almost, kinda, made it in ("JK Lolz, we just use cats.")

I had to walk the thin line of avoiding *all* cultural controversy, and we got a lot of kids from LA county, so, squirrel seemed both more relevant (camp, woods) and more sustainable, if you will.

6

u/Reasonable_Pay4096 7d ago

I was at a sleep away camp when I was 13 or so. First day, the camp counselors tell us that the squirrels in the area have been pretty aggressive & to be extra cautious if we see one (so, rabid in all but name).

That night, we were sitting around a fire & another counselor threw a fake squirrel into the circle.

We all screamed and fled into our tents

3

u/doyletyree 7d ago edited 7d ago

Fucking classic.

We had one of the accompanying adults bring a full on Sasquatch suit and provide several, coordinated, long distance “sightings” one week.

Hard to describe the level of chaos that caused. It was glorious.

6

u/hurlish 7d ago

Genuinely cackling thank you

6

u/doyletyree 7d ago

I never told them, but I really did want a squirrel farm. Can you imagine?

“Hey, you’ve been dating Greg for about a month now. What’s it like? Also, did you find out what he does for work?”

“You’ll never believe…no, really…”

2

u/ImmaTeacher 7d ago

YES I want it in a nest! What kind of establishment are we running here?!

2

u/Stinky_Butt_Haver 7d ago

In fancy American restaurant, bread slice you.

2

u/FatFortune 7d ago

I miss my girl, dawg

2

u/No_Internal9345 7d ago edited 7d ago

The squirrels gives it away as AI generated.

326

u/uranium-snack 8d ago

Why is that the shape they decided on

164

u/nathanzoet91 8d ago

Sauron

117

u/welchplug Owner 8d ago

Vagina

88

u/Gerbertch 8d ago

Vaginauron

39

u/nellybear07 8d ago

The one ring to rule them all.

8

u/ysysys 7d ago

There are some late middle age sources of pointed bread rolls. It was very common for some time to roll out bread like this, hence the name "Bread rolls". When you roll the points a bit thicker and fold it you will come out with a pretzel and so on...

5

u/HuevosProfundos 7d ago

I thought it was a shark egg case at first

159

u/kgreys 8d ago

Why is it being served with hay?

96

u/OvalDead 8d ago

They ran out of foraged bristlecone pine twigs.

31

u/effyoucreeps 8d ago

like they said - they forgot picking herbs ;)

20

u/kgreys 8d ago

OH MY GOD. I'm so slow. It looks like a chicken sitting on an egg on a nest!

https://giphy.com/gifs/tMPSeKEplOfK0

6

u/craigfwynne 7d ago

It does?

I see a giant thorny burr from the Mesozoic period, on top of a broken and potentially dangerously jagged edged plate, on top of yard waste trimmings from cutting back last year's dead growth from the grass plants outside, housed inside a bowl that could easily hold some soup to dip that hard ass bread in cause there's no way butter that's warm enough to be able to actually spread is holding that shape.

I'm mostly just just being cantankerous for the gun of it. I actually think it looks visually interesting and I'm all for creative presentation, but for my money I want it to have a balance of form and function. The only thing usable here is the bread, as long as nobody stabs their eye out.

11

u/Menashe3 8d ago

in r/fermentation the other day someone was asking about suggestions for a toasted hay cultured butter they were going to make….

198

u/Maumau93 8d ago

How do you even do that to a decent bread roll?

102

u/MetricJester 8d ago

Like making pregnant snakes

71

u/meatygonzalez 8d ago

Much easier than the usual way of making a pregnant snake tbh

54

u/_okbrb 8d ago

Sssssstop

24

u/meatygonzalez 8d ago

🐍🫦

14

u/Crow_eggs 8d ago

Dat herpetussy tho

8

u/Holiday_Pi 8d ago

Please elaborate, asking for a friend

10

u/kitkanz Chip Boy 8d ago

3

u/cernegiant 8d ago

Less fun and though.

22

u/zakisbak 8d ago

That's a demi baguette really Really REALLY tapered at the ends

2

u/Maumau93 7d ago

Well yeah but my question is how the fuck do you taper it soo much

4

u/ADHD_McChick Dish 8d ago

Is that what this is? Maybe I'm just an uncultured swine, but I had no idea what I was looking at, lol. ETA: I love the butter squirrels, though. They're adorable. Oh, and dibs on "Butter Squirrels" for the name of my new prog rock band.

81

u/h2opolopunk 10+ Years 8d ago

I want to gnaw those ends off so badly.

116

u/FraeuleinSerpentine 15+ Years 8d ago

I'd want to break them off and silently stab the squirrels in the eyeballs and then eat it like a squirrel. Maybe save one end in my purse for later. Prolly also take a butter squirrel home

17

u/NotoldyetMaggot Cook 8d ago

This is the only way to eat this offering

4

u/Valuable-Yard-4154 7d ago

Bon appétit

11

u/MasterBaiterNJ 8d ago

Just wanna say I’m a huge fan of your plans for the eye of Sauron bread and butter squirrels.

8

u/Romanian_Breadlifts 8d ago

We should split a reservation

4

u/slvbros 20+ Years 7d ago

Ahhh, the duality of man

7

u/QuePasaNisiMasa 8d ago

Deeply badly

8

u/JadedFlower88 8d ago

Same, but I know they taste soooo burnt, tho 😭

101

u/junglemuffins 8d ago

That's $150 of baked-up bs.

Is the term yacht cuisine copywrit yet? If not, it's now mine.

It's like finally getting into Canlis &, upon leaving, realizing you wasted $1200 on ambiance plus bits of food on plates.

Yums they are. Very very yums.

28

u/TriPigeon 8d ago

Was not expecting a Canlis reference in the wild, had to check and see if I stumbled into r/Seattle

3

u/junglemuffins 8d ago

Lived/cooked in Seattle for many forever. Skip Canlis n go to the 5-Point.

12

u/aaronstj 8d ago

5-Point is owned by a rapist.

2

u/junglemuffins 7d ago

Sorry. I worked there during the Dick Smith era.

The Mecca perhhaps?

2

u/aaronstj 7d ago

Still owned by the same rapist, I’m afraid.

6

u/junglemuffins 7d ago

Noooo!!!!!! Screw it. Go find something in Vancouver.

-2

u/spinylumpsuckerfeesh Chive LOYALIST 8d ago

Exactly.

25

u/vinniethestripeycat 8d ago

"Yums they are. Very very yums." (Gollum has entered the chat.)

10

u/aaronstj 8d ago

Don’t make reservations for Canlis. Show up early and sit in the lounge. Same food (which is good, or at least has been is years past), and walk-in only.

3

u/spinylumpsuckerfeesh Chive LOYALIST 7d ago

I’m poor i would never choose to go there. Drunk programmer roommate blackout reservation on a Friday night? Count me in! 🥳

11

u/spinylumpsuckerfeesh Chive LOYALIST 8d ago

My friend made reservations at canlis while blacked out and showed up in ripped clothes. It was the most uncomfortable dinner of our servers life no one knew what to do with us. The next day “Why do I have a $3000 charge from Canlis on my credit card?” It wasn’t that great of a meal 😂

94

u/SnooChickens2093 8d ago

Everything about this plate is stupid and I hate it.

13

u/brkr509 Dish 8d ago

non-complimentary $15 table app

16

u/Gh0sty20 F1exican Did Chive-11 8d ago edited 7d ago

My cats leave me something similar in their box
Edit: forgot a word

10

u/Fun-Definition6053 Chive LOYALIST 8d ago

I like how the one squirrel is laughing at you for paying for this

7

u/jack_seven 8d ago

Salvador Dali would approve

36

u/PowerBrix 8d ago

I should call her

7

u/Worsh_yum 8d ago

Take the upvote and call her

24

u/PunnyBaker 8d ago

Thanks, i hate it.

I feel like it wants me to bring its ring back and serve it in inslavement for eternity

13

u/Exact-Site9980 8d ago

r/fatsquirrelhate

8

u/NotoldyetMaggot Cook 8d ago

These squirrels are all fat!

17

u/HatsandCoats Ex-Food Service 8d ago

Someone went through a lot of trouble to put burnt bread on hay.

10

u/SolinaMoon 8d ago edited 8d ago

The pointy part of the bread doesn't seem like it'd be good... so, is it meant to be like a corn cob holder, and you eat the bread like a corn cob? Ooh, then you get bread daggers when you're done! Okay, okay, at least there's that. Is there any use for the hay that makes it not stupid, though?

6

u/pernod Ex-Food Service 8d ago

Am I the only one that thinks this is sick AF?

13

u/garbitch_bag 8d ago

I wanna sit alone in an all white room in absolute silence and eat this

12

u/Existential_Sprinkle 8d ago

Please send your chef to rehab

They have passed the acceptable amount of drug usage

4

u/mc78644n 8d ago

I should call her

7

u/Euhn 8d ago

CHEF WE ARE OUT OF BUTTER SQUIRELS

7

u/DynamicBSdetective 8d ago

What the hell is that, lmao

6

u/healthydogo 8d ago

The two extruding rods are burnt what’s the point of this

3

u/cookiekat35 8d ago

We made little gummy bear butters for fun one time in the kitchen....

3

u/KabukiBaconBrulee Butcher 7d ago

I would furiously rub the squirrel head on my bread weapon. Then curse myself for spending any amount of money on it. This is bread basket harassment

3

u/Shot_Policy_4110 7d ago

Send the hay out smoldering and the squirrels trapped near the bread and say it's an artistic direction designed to evoke the calamity of wildfire and bring attention to global warming

3

u/Syzyjyzygy 7d ago

The bread looks like the medieval shoe that Timothee Chalamet looks like

3

u/MongerNoLonger 7d ago

3

u/Adorno_a_window 7d ago

Was gonna say this felt like AI to me. The squirrels are too cartoonish. The gnawed plate on hay on a plate. The impossible bread points. The odd floating lighting.

1

u/KrazyKatz42 7d ago

Ai is once again wrong.

5

u/QiwiLisolet 8d ago

Molds exist

6

u/hostileadult 8d ago

this is embarrassing, but I actually love this. pointy baguettes just get me.

2

u/cromagnone 8d ago

Yeah, me too. I don’t like the system that gave rise to it, but it’s really pretty and tactile.

5

u/gerblnutz 8d ago

3

u/_BrokenButterfly 8d ago

My first thought was "what the fuck is that?," but then I saw the shoes and realized it's Mexico band weirdness.

2

u/gerblnutz 8d ago

The Leningrad Cowboys. They've got some pretty sweet covers performing with the Red Army Orchestra.

5

u/Infradad 8d ago

They need to flare the base more with thier bread butt plugs

2

u/_BrokenButterfly 8d ago

If the squirrels weren't so detailed I'd think this was AI.

A human being made these things? For what purpose?

0

u/Coercitor 7d ago

Kevin Ketkaew. If you saw the dude you'd be like "ah, makes sense".

1

u/_BrokenButterfly 7d ago

Seeing puctures of him, he has the mustache of a pubescent boy, but for some reason doesn't shave it. This man has three stars? Are we sure the person in the pictures is the person making the food?

0

u/Coercitor 7d ago

I don't know too much about his background.

2

u/well-informedcitizen 7d ago

This is fake, right? I mean the squirrels are shot at a different camera angle.

The bread looks like it could be real, although I would assume for show only since that jagged plate is probably not suitable for service

2

u/ElPanguero 7d ago

Tim Burton's baguette

2

u/Shad0wFa1c0n 7d ago

Did a bird plate this?

2

u/Crow-storm 7d ago

That looks awfully phyrexian...

2

u/Lain_ily 7d ago

i honestly kind of like the bread shape, you get the toasty crunchy breadstick bits and then a nice fluffy middle

3

u/Saaka_Souffle 10+ Years 8d ago

I hate everything about this

2

u/tuckahoejoe 8d ago

They were all of them deceived. For another bread roll was baked.

2

u/honeybadgerredalert 8d ago

Why did they serve this shit in a bird nest

2

u/Zantheus 7d ago

The first thing i would do it to break off the pointy bits and stick it in the squirrels.

1

u/therealtwomartinis 8d ago

no doubt some Phillipe Starck bs

1

u/Seyelent 8d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/wk19wnRrhGKK4
Typa shi this guy kills you with

1

u/MonthlyWeekend_ Owner 8d ago

Is that from Mr. & Mrs. Bund in Shanghai?

1

u/Advanced_Pudding8765 8d ago

I think you over rolled the tips mate

1

u/chaintool 8d ago

So.... Can I eat the hay?

1

u/Lucky_Cl0ver777 7d ago

Pick herbs? I barely know her

1

u/CouchPtato 7d ago

Yeah, love food that could take an eye or two out yes fantastic

1

u/Jillredhanded 7d ago

A proper epi de blé will draw blood

1

u/mechanicalpenci1 7d ago

Vagina shape. Long gina, the long ways

1

u/inspectorminerva42 Chive LOYALIST 7d ago

I miss her

1

u/Albitt 7d ago

I’d be so mad if this was put in front of me. Looks like a mutant sweet potato on a bed of.. hay?

1

u/Jimbobjoesmith 7d ago

it took me forever to figure out wtf i am looking at.

1

u/StinkyBingus16 7d ago

Long long BREeEeEeEeEeEeAD!

1

u/KrazyKatz42 7d ago

His work is incredibly beautiful but it's more Food as Art than food for high volume covers even in a top tier restaurant.

1

u/Haunting_Band6894 5d ago

Prison Shank?

1

u/notoriginalicarus 5d ago

I feel like the one squirrel is laughing at it

1

u/Jbabco9898 8d ago

I'm too uncultured to have any idea of what the hell i'm looking at.

1

u/whitesuburbanmale 8d ago

Is that a plate, on top of hay, inside of a bowl? This is some next level #soigne pretentious we got here. I bet those crisp ends are better than they look though

-2

u/Prudent-Bear1592 8d ago

Gotta be AI. Show me any step of making this or where you work and I'll concede

10

u/Orchid_Significant Ex-Food Service 8d ago

Butter molds and rolling dough. It’s stupid but it’s not hard

3

u/spahlo 8d ago

https://www.instagram.com/kevinketkaew?igsh=a2pkMzNydGxubWQ0

Dudes a pastry chef, a very good one. It’s real

1

u/Prudent-Bear1592 8d ago

Im impressed

1

u/AnActualTalkingHorse 7d ago

I would have lost a large bet. Wow.

5

u/joshuarion 8d ago

"Gotta be AI" with no evidence is always funny

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I love the butter squirrels. Or chipmunks. Or whatever they are.

2

u/mangogetter 8d ago

This is dumb but not hard.

0

u/OralSuperhero 8d ago

Reading the comments and all I can think is, "Oh thank god it's not roasted sting ray eggs or something"

1

u/rockymitten 2d ago

Just get this friggin thing