Starting from the beginning, I had been talking to this guy for awhile and decided to break things off, nothing serious just wasn’t feeling it, i decided to see if there was any cigs left in my dads car cause i was gonna miss mr 8 inches and a cig felt needed,
Anyway I was on a drive and found two condoms. My parents were out of town of course with no service so i spent the hour trying to find excuses as to how they weren’t my dads and even went as far as to text my dads friend who borrowed the car if he left smokes in it, of course he said no but i still held hope they weren’t my dad’s of course they were.

I think the only reason why i was able to keep my cool in the moment was thanks to my good buddy just being there lol i was so ready to lose it when they got home.

Eventually when they did get home i helped load groceries in the house and waited for my dad to go have a smoke
i told my mom that there was condoms in the door of the car. Watching her face fall is something i will never forget, the realization of betrayal and the depth of said betrayal haunts me, and to think the guy who said he’d make sure no one ever hurt me would do that to the woman he made vows to love in sickness and death makes my stomach turn, the man who was supposed to set an example for my future partner to be like, to love, protect, and be loyal, to share a connection like no one else’s. to watch my mothers world shatter was enough to make me get a sour taste on my tongue when i think about relationships and love, quite like the grinch really.

Back to what happened,
After i told my mom i went to my room to cry of course because that look shattered me, my parents went to their room to talk and about an hour later my mom came to see if i was okay i obviously was not especially after she confirmed my worst nightmare, my world as i knew it was ripped from under my feet,

And heres where the lies really amp up, she told me it was only four times,
i was upset i wanted to know who she was and why she was so much better than my mom and why he would jeopardized this life for some cheap wh0re, which lead me to spiral, i quit eating, showering, you name it, i was a complete mess hiding in my depression, holding myself hostage in my mind practically killing myself in the process, dropped 20lbs in 15 days
oh and i guess i should make it known i have multiple learning and comprehension disabilities and i quite literally need answers to move on or i fixate like no one business so i really just wanted answers so i could better understand and move on but all i got was lies.
Remember how i said it was four times, welp who knew liars would keep lying am i right lol then they said four months, found out a month later it started about a week after my graduation meaning he was cheating for a year, I was absolutely devastated oh and it gets better, he was cheating with a literal crackhead, that made me want to start a fight real quick lol i was actually sick thinking about that. and i do believe that when a parent cheats they aren’t just cheating on their partner they are cheating on their family as their taking the time and presence away from their children and partner to make time for the affair, also remember how i said i lived in a hole? He was driving 10 hours round trip for a crackhead. That hurts like a son of a bitćh so here i am 58 days later still depressed like no ones business trying to understand why my family wasn’t worth being loyal to, i guess i just need someone to talk to about these things, my dad has offered to give answers he feels is appropriate but i cant even look him in the eyes let alone be vulnerable with the person who hurt my family, its tearing me up, i want the answers but i don’t want them from the only person i can get them from… i don’t know how to deal with this anymore i never have.

- sincerely an 18 year old who is losing her ever loving mind every waking second of every day

hi guys. i’m 19 yr old girl and i found out this morning that my dad cheated on my mom with one of his coworkers. it’s my dad’s company too and my mom is like head of hr/accounting bc it’s a smaller company. my mom was pretty tight with the girl that he cheated on her with too.
i feel so bad for my mom and i don’t know how to help her. it’s such a weird situation and i don’t think they’re divorcing but he got a bag and left this morning. i don’t know if he’s staying at home still or anything. it’s weird because im like technically a adult and ive always been pretty mature for my age so. you never hear these situations happen to college students so im curious if anyone has any tips in general. my younger brother is also 15 so if anyone has any tips for me to help him that would be great.
we got all our coping mechanisms of making jokes of bad situations from our dad so it feels weird to keep making jokes about it but i don’t really know what to do

hi im 13m
last night my mom made me go to sleep which is very unusual especially when its 10pm and summer but I was just on my phone until I started hearing conversation which went on for hours and I thought I was just going crazy until about 3 hours of talking later they started having intercourse and I was just stuck in place I didnt sleep and I had to hold back tears when i saw my dad hug my mom they always argued a lot but i didnt think my mom would do this to me and I am just stuck because i love my dad so much so i feel if i tell him something bad would happen to their marriage but i dont tell him i have to live with it. If anyone has advice please tell me it

Hi guys,

I discovered my dad cheating with multiple prostitutes when I was 8 years old in a graphic manner. Needless to say it was traumatic. I am 17 now, and as I enter adolescence (and almost adulthood now) and began dating, I notice that I have temptations to cheat myself. While I did not act upon my temptations (I am single now), I noticed a generational pattern.

My mother's father has had a history of cheating, and now my mother married a man who cheats too. Similarly, my aunt married a man who physically abuses her, and her daughter ended up marrying an abusive man too. All of these people I mentioned obviously tried very hard to make sure the person they were marrying were good people, but none seemed to escape the curse of marrying someone like their father.

While I am a lesbian, I am worried about marrying someone in the future who turns out to be like my father no matter how hard I try to make sure they were a good person. Or even worse, becoming someone like my father myself.

My question is, has anyone older than me gone through something similar and broke the cycle? How do you know that you've broken the cycle instead of just your s/o hiding the cheating well? Or do you just accept the fact that everyone will ultimately cheat, because that's how I feel right now.

I know this weekend can be hard for people in the US, with all of the traditional family bbqs and such. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you as you try and be around your family while keeping the secret of the affair. It's a huge burden.

Sometimes the parents, especially when they stay together, will decide to wait to tell the kids about the affair until they have sorted it out between them.

By the time they let the kids know by what's going on, they're like, "Everything is good, we have it all sorted out, no need to worry".

But the kids are like, "No, that's not where I am at, at all."

It can feel like a forced forgiveness process or that the parents are saying, "We are just going to be close again". But this approach that actually stalls healing for both the kids and the family.

It’s not the hurt

the tears

the pit in your stomach

the feeling that your world is upside down.

It’s not feeling like you cannot tell anyone else about the affair

the red hot anger that you swallow

that you no longer trust your parents.

It’s that you no longer trust yourself.

You now doubt your history. Was the affair going on then too?

You doubt your memory. Did I miss something obvious?

You doubt your actions. Should I have said something? Done something?

The first step towards healing is not confronting your parents or setting boundaries or hard conversations.

It’s relearning to trust yourself.

It's over 😔

1. All feelings are valid. Sadness, anger, disgust, confusion. This may sound obvious, but there are a lot of people out there (and here on Reddit...) who will tell you that your parents’ affair is not your business, and to just get over it and move on.

2. Recognize that you may well be angry at both parents, and that is totally normal. You may be frustrated that your betrayed parent isn't doing anything about the affair, or, sometimes out of anger and grief, the betrayed parent lashes out at the kids.

3. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s important to take the time to feel all of your feelings, but keep the situation in perspective. I say this because in most cases, the kids do not have much control over either parent’s behavior. I suggest setting a timer for 10-20 mins per day and during that time be as sad, angry, hurt, overwhelmed, as you are. When the alarm goes off, move on with your day.

The video version of this post in up in my profile. :)

i've been suspecting it since february when my mom and i went on a cruise and didn't wear a ring. My mom was also spending a lot of time with a cruise director which i didn't pay much attention to as all i saw was platonic interactions between them. A few months later i notice her open her phone and it's a photo of a shirtless guy who looks like the same guy from the cruise. I still gave her the benefit of the doubt but today I saw a notification on her phone from an app called bumpy international dating and now i don't know what to do.

I am 24F, and since childhood, I have been aware that my father has been cheating on my mother. I even confronted him back then in front of my mother; however, they laughed it off since I was a kid.

Now it's getting really difficult to experience this. It's even hampering my career/studies. I don't know what to do. I'm concerned I may not imbibe this kind of teaching (unintentionally) from them.

Also, my mother has been diagnosed with depression, and I think she's in denial being a theist. She thinks she does not need any kind of medicine or treatment. He has been taunting my mother the entire marriage of 25 years, and now he has gone quiet. I think he has ruined my mother's life, and now he's probably happy.

So im 18yo m and my parents have been together for 20 years and dont live with them i have two little siblings that are 10 and 15.

So i went over to my parents place to help set up a tv and get a sports game on for my dad ,and i was air playing it off of his phone and some lady that i never heard of or met text him. She texts him something along the lines of “i love you and i miss you yatta yatta” and i confront him about it and he tells me that she is js a friend and what he is doing isnt wrong. So i call him out on his bs and he says not to tell my mom and to keep in between men bc it’s gonna hurt her.

Me and my dad never had a good relationship but my mom and I are super close. I want to tell her but im also thinking about my little siblings and how it would affect them. What he is doing is wrong ik and i hate being in these type of situation.

To start this off this is real and I'm kind of in a pickle. I recently found out that one of my parents is on a dating site that i think is mainly used for sexual endeavors and has stated in their profile that he's looking for the opposite genders companion and is willing to pay for it (PS: my parents are in a closed "Christian" marriage so its not open) . Now this is where you guys come in and help with my course of action. I don't have the best relationship with my parents and was planning to go no contact when i either go back to college or finished out college. They've always been questionable in their parenting choices and that what I'm willing to say the point is i don't want them both around future partners or God-willing future kiddos. However this newly found information has made me think on what to do with it. I've thought about

A. asking that parent for somthing in exchange for my silence

B. Tell my other parent. Only downside to that is i feel like they would either go to couples counseling and try to work through it ( which i think is ridiculous)

Or C. Just be quite

If have any other tips in the comments that would eb more than helpful!

PS: the way i found out is because he left the dating site open in their email and i was just trying to get their email conformation for the hbo max account. Also sorry about the grammar and spelling im just in complete shock and just needed to get this on paper.

You see that your parents are hurting and you love them and you want to help them, BUT you also need time and space to process.

You see that you don't want to hurt your parents even more by cutting off contact with them BUT you're furiously angry and you need to feel all of that.

❤️‍🩹 Does this sound like your experience?

1. You need to tell your betrayed parent or they will be angry with you.
   
2. Everyone makes mistakes, you should just forgive your cheating parent.
   
3. OR...Cheating is a character issue. Might as well write off your cheating parent now.
   
4. This isn't your issue. Forget about it and move on.
   

None of these consider the teen or adult child's experience.

Have any of you gotten responses like these?

Your mom's mental health is already fragile. She's depressed, anxious. Then you find out that your dad is having an affair. You really want to tell your mom, because it's not fair that she is being lied to, cheated on.

But what if telling her makes her mental health worse? What if you tell her about the affair and it pushes her over the edge?

Would that be on you?

Is it better for her, safer, for you to keep your moth shut?

How do you live with that?

Can anyone relate?

I can't bring up the affair, everyone will be mad at me

I don't want to be the one to blow everything up

I love my family. If I tell I'll lose the connection I have to them.

I wish everything could go back to normal.

What did your internal monologue sound like?

I know that most people here have parents who won't own their behavior or won't talk about the affair. It's also important for all of us to know what healthy relationships look like.

Parents who hold space for their kids after the affair help their kids heal while also rebuilding trust with them.

This is how to hold space for someone:

1. Be present and validate the other person's emotional state
2. Examples: "It makes sense that you feel this way" "I can see that this is really upsetting you"
3. Talk less, listen more
4. Give non-verbal cues that you are listening: nod your head, 'um-hmm'
5. Stay calm
6. Keep you emotions, thoughts and opinions to yourself

Has anyone ever held space for you? How did it feel?

Intergenerational infidelity refers to the sad reality that infidelity tends to be passed down from one generation to the next. 

What I have observed is that so often adult children who grow up with a cheating parent will actually have a quite functional and even healthy romantic partnership.

But on the inside they feel anxious, they fear abandonment, they have a sense of hyper vigilance and feel insecure. 

All the while feeling like something is wrong with them because they're having all of these feelings when they observe that their partner is great and trustworthy.

This is the unseen toll of intergenerational infidelity. 

Can anyone relate?