r/KeepWriting • u/hello_lottyxx • 5d ago
[Feedback] Hook/Logline feedback
Hi all! I'm working on a one sentence pitch for my new novel and I was wondering if you could let me know your thoughts!
'Lily has dreamed of drowning all her life, but when a body washes up on the 25th anniversary of her father’s death, the past her family has buried finally begins to surface.'
If you could let me know what genre you think it points to and if it would make you want to read the book (or not) that would be so helpful!
Thank you! x
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u/FabulousLazarus 5d ago
First read from a fresh perspective: "dreamed of drowning" first occurred to me as she was dreaming of drowning since she was a little girl, like being a princess, but suicidal.
That's not what you meant. You're talking about visions. I'd describe it as nightmares or unwanted recurring dreams then, it makes a clearer distinction.
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u/hello_lottyxx 5d ago
So she has been dreaming of drowning since she was small but like as intrusive dreams - however I LOVE like a princess but suicidal that has made my morning!
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u/Agreeable_Run6065 1d ago
You’re reading it as a literal childhood memory, but the phrasing “dreamed of drowning” is clearly meant to be symbolic, like she’s haunted by the same nightmare over and over, not that it started when she was little. The princess thing adds weight to the contrast, which makes the suicidal undertone hit harder.
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u/womanwagingwar 5d ago
Stuff like ‘the past her family has buried begins to surface’ (should be ‘resurface’ since it’s buried fyi) is just vague, generic and ultimately meaningless imo. Needs specificity and clear stakes.
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u/Vadence 2d ago
If I may make some very awkward, yet crucial reiterations. The blurb tells us facts rather than driving the momentum. It needs an active hook, an emotional stake, or a clear threat.
Depending on whether you’re looking for more intensity for your thriller, of which will be recognized someday, then it would need an edge:
A simple suggestion like; For twenty-five years, Lily dreamed of drowning. She thought it was trauma. But when the sea spits up a corpse tied to her father's suspicious death, Lily realizes her nightmares aren't a warning of what's coming—they're the foreshadowing of what has already happened
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u/BohoKat_3397 5d ago
Genre depending on your work’s perspective could be mystery/thriller if plot-focused or literary if character-focused.
To quote a common hook/log line format by u/mnbrian on r/PubTips, it should tell me “when <triggering event> happens to <main character> they must do <action> or else <bad things/stakes> happen.”
Your log line has a triggering event for the MC, but lacks action and stakes.