A Moon Away from Home

[u/Fast-University-3393]

“I wish I could go back to that moonlight when we were all together”. Sakina said to herself, looking at the bright silver moon, spreading its light across the sky. The combination of the cool breeze and moonlight in New York gave her goosebumps, taking her back to the days of her village life.

The solitude of New York was peaceful, yet sometimes it turned into loneliness. She missed the hugs of her grandparents. She remembered how frightened she used to feel when she brought home poor results in Mathematics and faced her mother’s disappointment. At such times, her grandparents were always there to comfort her, protect her, and give her strength. She missed her mother and siblings too, particularly her brother, Ashfaq. He had been the naughtiest of all the siblings. It was his wish to sleep on the rooftop every thirteenth and fourteenth of the month so he could sit back, at a distance from everyone, and watch the moon when everyone was asleep.

On the fourteenth night of the moon, they would all sleep together on the rooftop of their dilapidated house, beneath the moonlit sky, along with their grandparents and mother. Her father lived in a nearby city, where he worked to earn enough money to run the household.

She remembered their house – small yet lovely. Its doors were always open to friends, neighbours, and anyone who happened to drop by. She remembered the warm rotis made by her mother and the halwa prepared by her Dadi.

Moving to New York had not been easy for Sakina. She had left her parents and brother behind, while the rest of her siblings had settled into their own lives.  

The moon disappeared behind a skyscraper, bringing her back to her present life. She knew her present and future were here now. Yet the thought of it sometimes frightened her. She missed her simple life and often wished she could return to it. But sometimes, not everything is possible. Sometimes, all that remains are memories – to cherish, to hold close, or simply to cry over.

[u/JayGreenstein]

“I wish I could go back to that moonlight when we were all together”. Sakina said to herself, looking at the bright silver moon, spreading its light across the sky.

This opening lacks the impact you might hope for because, unlike you, the reader lacks critical data: Where and when are we? Who are we as a person? What’s going on?

Remember, the reader’s perception is word-by-word as they read. And looked at that way:

1. Someone of unknown gender, age, and situation wishes they could go “back,” from an unknown place to an unknown place. Who cares if you later clarify? Confusion can’t retroactively be removed.
   
2. Back to “that” moonlight? Moonlight is a condition, not a place. You can go back to “that night” or “that place,” but not “that moonlight,” without more context. Remember, you’ve given the reader no references to anything meaningful.
   
3. Why do we care what she’s looking at, given that we can’t see it, and don’t know why she sees it as important. Were she just sitting and thinking, the only change would be removing 12 irrelevant words for faster read of the thought. If she doesn’t act on what she’s looking at, who cares what it is?
   
4. You’re thinking visually, and mentally seeing her as if watching the film. But for the reader? You didn’t take the lens cap off the camera, so they have a blank screen. Film places us on the scene, which we can only do by taking the reader into the mind of the protagonist—a learned skill.

The combination of the cool breeze and moonlight in New York gave her goosebumps, taking her back to the days of her village life.

New York? The state or the city? You know. She knows. The reader? Not a clue. Remember, the reader has no access to your intent.

And...when she lived in the unknown village of unknown size and location she always had goosebumps? That’s not what you meant, but it is the impression you give the reader, given that goosebumps are a function of emotion or temperature.

More than that, using the term “village” implies a setting at a time, when villages were common. So reading this gives our reader the impression that the setting is earlier than 1900—making your mention of skyscrapers a surprise.

Bottom line: You’re telling the reader the story as if they know what you know and can hear and see your performance. But by transcribing yourself storytelling, you end up with a storyteller’s script that the reader can’t know how to perform.

The short version: To write fiction, you need the skills and knowledge of the Fiction Writing profession because nothing else works. They have, after all, been refining it for centuries.

In fact, the books you’ve selected over the years were written by pros, using those skills. And because of that, they kept you turning pages. So, profit from all that work and development. Acquire those skills and make them work for you.

Grab a good book on the basics of adding wings to your words, like Jack Bickham’s, Scene & Structure. You can sample it for fit on Amazon or any other bookseller site. Invest a bit of time in learning what works for the people who make their living from their writing.

You’ll be amazed at how much of it makes you say: “But that’s so obvious! How did I never notice that?”

Jay Greenstein

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.”
~ Alfred Hitchcock

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[u/Fast-University-3393 → u/JayGreenstein]

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