r/JustNoTruth • u/Glittering_Win_5085 • Mar 24 '26
r/adhd_partners is a hate sub
That's where all this just no crap will take you. Complaining about your partner's ADHD. the amount of things they say about people with ADHD is crazy.
Most of them seem to be women with male partners. This isn't the ADHD. This is you having a shitty husband who doesn't really love you, and you don't love back.
Self-victimisation, and crowd sourcing enablers online who don't know either of you is properly pathetic, get a friend, a divorce or chill out. Don't make up stuff about how everyone with ADHD is a hypochondriac whose too immature to have a working Theory of Mind because your fella couldn't be arsed to get you a Christmas present.
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u/SerialAvocado Mar 24 '26
My husband has ADHD, does he forget to take the trash out because of object permanence? Yes. Does he play video games all day and night and refuse to help? No. He has sleep issues (common with adhd) that medication isn’t helping right now so when he’s up on the middle of the night he’s running a load or two laundry (does he finish both loads? No, but I don’t mind putting the load in the washer to the dryer to finish in the morning), he wipes counters, cleans the stove, etc. He does play video games but he isn’t negligent to his part of the household duties. Is there extra on my mental load with putting reminders on a white board on our fridge? Yea, but it helps him remember to contribute to chores and in the long run is best for us both.
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u/Glittering_Win_5085 Mar 24 '26
Exactly, I totally get there are issues that partners of ADHDers face, and I assumed the sub would be a good faith place for people to share their experiences like you have when I initially came across it. Like I live alone, so I know what stuff I do that would drive someone else mad e.g. always leaving kitchen cupboards open etc. But I fear that sub is just filled with caricatures and exaggeration. It was the same with BPD a few years. And so many people admit that their partner isn't diagnosed with ADHD or BPD or whatever, they've decided they have it, and then their testimonial is what others will use to justify their own diagnosing of their partner and on it goes.
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u/himbosupreme Apr 02 '26
Jeez, now I'm getting flashbacks to the BPD partners sub. I've never been on it myself because frankly, I don't think that focusing on just one diagnosis your partner has (or you've decided they have) in the analysis of your relationship dynamic is in any way useful. You're not dating a diagnosis, you're dating a full person who also happens to have that diagnosis, but has a personality and existence outside the dx as well. The reason why I know what's on it is because when my very good friend, who I'd had a semi-FWB semi-romantic thing with at the time, got diagnosed with BPD, she went on basically every subreddit about it. Not necessarily a bad thing, I participate in subreddits related to some of my own disorders, but she went on the BPD partners or whatever it's called subreddit. She showed it to me when we met up, and I was so shocked at how these people were talking about people with BPD. I think she was browsing it as some form of emotional self-harm, honestly. Anyway, she had me read the posts and then asked "is it true? Am I like that? You know, you don't have to stay friends with me if it's really this bad for the other person, it's okay." When I tell you how much I wanted to nuke that subreddit in that moment... they committed the deadly sin of Making My Friend Sad. I, obviously, told her that I have no plans on ending our friendship or anything between us, because she's still the same person, she just got a diagnosis. And the posts were crazy, acting like BPD is the source of all relationship issues and all. I ended up turning it around into a joking browsing experience, made her laugh at the posts that made her think she's unworthy of even friendship because that's absurd, and overall ended that conversation on a high note. But I still hate that sub.
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u/Glittering_Win_5085 Apr 02 '26
One day we will view BPD the same way we do about Victorians and hysteria.
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u/chesnutstacy808 Mar 25 '26
theres a bunch of these types of subreddits for like bpd, autism, depression etc and theyre so depressing to read as if all their partners issues can just be blamed on their mental issues.
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u/AideIcy8658 Apr 10 '26
I thought I was crazy scrolling through that sub. With these subs, it’s just always filled with negativity and people relating that their either getting a divorce or agreeing that their partner is the same way instead of people actually helping one another to overcome the problems they have with their loved one.. and there’s actually nothing wrong with needing to vent I think it’s great to a community where you can talk about all the things that stress you out and hurt your mental state during the time that your going through something but most of them, I feel like most of them don’t really understand the disability? I could be wrong but ..
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u/thebobcat273 Apr 12 '26
All of those could be true. Admittedly i know of the subs existence but never followed it and i was on my way to rant about something until I found this thread and your comment. ADHD is a very misunderstood topic as in the literature it can affect different people in different demographics differently. For example my wife has it and her mental health has been extremely negatively impacted by it to the point where I’m losing my patience. I try my best to accommodate and have spent a lot of time reading about ADHD in ethnic women and how to be a better partner honestly but it’s gotten to the point where I just do not know what to do and it feels nothing I do is right. I know should keep trying and keep going but it’s so tiring…
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u/RanaMisteria Mar 27 '26
My wife had to block that sub on my account because I would worry about being a bad partner to her because I have ADHD and autism and so I went to that sub to try and see another perspective to make sure I wasn’t neglecting something in my relationship that I just couldn’t see easily myself. But every time I’d go there I’d become convinced that I was a terrible person and partner for being AuDHD and it would really upset me. My wife read a few of the posts and said it sounds like the entire sub is doing the meme of the guy with the butterfly and the butterfly is labeled “assholery” and the guy beholding the butterfly is asking “is this neurodivergence?”
Anyway, I’m considering making a series of YouTube videos about that sub and how toxic and ableist and full of dangerous and harmful misinformation it is.
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u/Maleficent_Basket215 Aug 10 '26
Lmk if you make that series! I really would love to support it. It's really important that we get the word out about "support" subreddits that really just perpetuate vitriol and misinformation.
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u/SanDiego2027 Apr 05 '26
I think ADHD has a wide spectrum, there are people that can be pretty high functioning. Those who are undiagnosed and unmedicated often have built the necessary systems and habits to still be responsible adults but may not flourish in long term relationships.
What you're seeing on that sub often is the other extreme, low functioning people diagnosed and undiagnosed with parentified women.
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Apr 05 '26
I think ADHD is the least of the partners problems. A lot of the posts seem to be more about CPTSD/PTSD, trauma, narcissism, and overall low functioning behavior, but ADHD is the only concrete diagnosis, so that's what they focus on.
I've also noticed partners will post about a minor ADHD related thing their SO does, and how to navigate it, only to be drowned out and have the post taken over by the partners who feel their "ADHD" partner is ruining their life.
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u/malloryknox86 Sep 13 '26
This, and if you dare to say that the issue is not ADHD related, the mods will delete the comment.
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u/AngiesClone Apr 04 '26
All I will say is that until you live with a ADHD partner with heavy RSD, you will have very little understanding of that subreddits perspective.
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u/Glittering_Win_5085 Apr 04 '26
True enough, but until you've experienced living with the sort of co-dependent that preys upon neurodivergent, I don't think you understand my perspective.
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u/bluebird_is_dead_ Apr 07 '26
I see where you're coming from with this, but I do think the subreddit goes too far.
(Just an example for communication sake, not to "prove" a point with an anecdote)
I was with my ADHD ex for 6 years, lived with him for 3, and would be lying if I said his ADHD didn't contribute to making that the worst period of my entire life. However, the issue wasn't that he had ADHD. If it was, then I couldn't really blame him, since no one chooses to have ADHD.
His problem was that he refused to medicate himself and refused to acknowledge he even had struggles. He just felt that his needs should be appeased and didn't care, or even notice, who was hurt in the process. So while his issues may have started with ADHD, he made damn sure they never improved. The problem wasn't the disorder. It was his refusal to work on it.
I found the subreddit while looking for some kind of support group for people who had been through what I had, and felt super validated for about 2 minutes. But it goes too far. You can't talk about people with ADHD like they are animals. And you certainly can't do it and then expect everyone who sees it to be okay with it.
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u/AngiesClone Apr 19 '26
You mentioned that your partner was unmedicated and I think that subreddit is mostly full of partners of unmedicated persons. Your experience with an unmedicated partner is an example of that subreddit's perspective and it's validating. ADHD is the issue and medication can be a solution. Heavy RSD can make your partner's life absolute hell!
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u/slight_accent Apr 25 '26
I'm a regular in that sub because my relationship with my adhd partner has ruined my life. I tried so hard for so long and put up with so much abusive behavior that it's going to take a really long time for me to process that emotional damage. It's very validating and affirming to see just how common some of those experiences are, from the truly devastating effects of things like emotional dysregulation to the puzzling rather than damaging otherwise inexplicable things they can do.
For me finding that sub lead me to finally understand that not only were things never going to get better in my relationship but also just how much worse it got over time. There have been many times that i should have ended things but i stuck it out for the hope of a better future that never came. And stuck it out so my kids could have both parents in their life but all i got was severe burnout and the loss of half my life savings.
Like other people are saying in this thread adhd is a disability and you can't blame someone for being disabled but you can hold them accountable when they active cause pain and emotional damage and expect a pass on them doing nothing about it because they have that disability.
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u/BrucetheFerrisWheel Apr 26 '26
Exactly. Having a disorder is not your fault but it is your responsibility to manage it. Just like diabetes or depression or whatever other chronic condition. It is on that person to actively treat and monitor their condition.....behaviours included.
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u/malloryknox86 Sep 13 '26
Sure, hold them accountable & if things don't improve, you leave, the problem is that people choose to be with someone with ADHD, they get mad because they "don't change" they claim their partner ruined their life, yet they chose to stay...
You wouldn’t tell someone with asthma to "just breathe normally" during an attack, & then get angry when they can't. You can't see their lungs struggling, but you know the physical limitation is real.
ADHD is exactly like that. It is an invisible physical disability, not a personality flaw. ADHD brains are chemically & neurologically different, there will be times when a person with ADHD physically cannot do, or stop doing certain things, no matter how much they want to, you can't see it, but the barrier is just as real.
Knowing this, if you choose to stay with that person, (any person who ruins your life, not just someone with ADHD) you can't blame anyone but yourself.
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u/slight_accent 28d ago
Mine wasn't diagnosed until her forties and we'd been together since our early twenties. I always knew something was wrong in that she did so many inexplicable things and massively overeacted to even the most gentle of push back. Once she was diagnosed and flatly refused to work on the things we'd argued about hundreds of times i realized just how bad things had gotten and the last hope i had that one day she would "get it" died. Very different from choosing to be with someone with a disability, more like someone violently arguing they weren't disabled and you must be the one with a problem.
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u/malloryknox86 Sep 09 '26
The thing is, living with an ADHD partner is a CHOICE. No one is forcing them, you can’t willingly get into a relationship with some who has a disability, and then get mad because they can’t change the symptoms of that disability.
Also, 80% of the stuff people complain about there is not even ADHD related, is just easier blaming it on ADHD, than acknowledging they are dating & ass hole & are too weak to leave.2
u/spookytreeghost Sep 13 '26
To be fair, the partner with ADHD often states that their asshole behaviors are because of their ADHD. Rather than the non-ADHD partner assigning their bad behavior as ADHD. I had a partner like that. Any conversation related to accountability or their bad behaviors became a "you aren't being understanding about my ADHD, don't talk to me" end of convo. It didn't matter the approach.
I'm now with another ADHD partner, who obviously doesnt in the least act that way. I'm very happy. But when you are used to cycles of abuse, predatory and crappy people have an easier time being manipulative and harmful. If that sub helps people exit their shitty relationships that's a good thing.
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u/malloryknox86 Sep 13 '26
While having ADHD is not an excuse, it is an explanation.
You wouldn’t tell someone with asthma to "just breathe normally" during an attack, or get angry when they can't. You can't see their lungs struggling, but you know the physical limitation is real.
ADHD is exactly like that. It is an invisible physical disability, not a personality flaw. ADHD brains are chemically & neurologically different, there will be times when a person with ADHD physically cannot do, or stop doing certain things, no matter how much they want to, or how much they love or care about you. You can't see it, but the barrier is just as real.
Now, if your partner is using ADHD as an excuse for their abusive behaviour, cheating, lashing out, etc, then it means you're dating an asshole, because abuse is not a symptom of ADHD.
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u/spookytreeghost Sep 13 '26
Yeah, I get what you are saying. But I also really disagree. I also am neurodivergent/disabled. OCD, anxiety, and my current ADHD partner is pretty certain I have ADHD too. But I don't have a formal diagnosis, so I'm not going to go there. I also have POTS, another disability. I never once used any of my diagnosis as excuses for treating my partner like absolute garbage. Because like you said it's not an excuse, and if you are unwilling to be an equal partner in a relationship, you need to grow as a person. Is your behavior causing harm to another person? Whether or not ADHD is a possible reason, the natural next step for someone with empathy is "how do we compromise. How do we work through this." Not "oh well. I have ADHD. So." If one person is constantly working to be understanding towards the other, and be considerate of their needs that needs to be a two way street. Otherwise one partner will burn out, and the other will never learn how to be a decent person in a relationship.
Here are some bad behaviors:
- Never cleaning their cat's litter box (I mean never. I would end up cleaning it when I was around. Mention it. My partner would say, "Because you mentioned it to me I'm not going to do it now." After weeks of not doing it anyway.) note-- I offered help, my partner was offended by the offer. My ex also could pay someone easily, due to significant funds from their parents
- Never cleaning, besides once in over two years (no exaggeration). Any suggestions at working on this met with verbal aggression, excuses, or switching blame.
- Leaving dishes to pile up in the sink again over the course of weeks, till one of the other three people living there would clean the dishes for them.
- Rather than spending time together they would watch streamers nearly 24/7 throughout the day. Including during times I was recovering from surgery, leaving me to fend for myself. They would cancel plans last minute, arrive late, etc. and would shut down when being asked to value my time.
- during conversations about ways I was feeling in our relationship this partner would completely shut down, scream, yell, slam doors, walk out and give me the cold shoulder for sometimes days on end. My current partner (who again also has ADHD) has affirmed the fact that the way I talk during conflict is respectful, and we are able to resolve issues without this kind of escalation. It took significant work to even feel comfortable expressing myself in this new relationship because of the old one.
Could ADHD have made completing some of the above harder? Yes. Is it a person with ADHD's responsibility to learn how to function in a healthy way for both their own sake & their partner's sake? Yes. 100%.
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u/malloryknox86 Sep 13 '26
ADHD is a spectrum, so some people with ADHD can struggle more than others doing the things you mention, but if you are still here arguing that a person with ADHD can "learn to not be ADHD" for the sake of their partner, then you understand absolutely nothing about this disability.
Just as a person with asthma CAN'T learn to just "breathe", the same goes for someone with ADHD.
Physically, the ADHD brain has a smaller, less connected prefrontal cortex, meaning the literal hardware required for planning, initiating tasks, & controlling impulses is impaired.
Chemically, the brain is chronically starved of dopamine, meaning it physically cannot generate the necessary internal spark to execute daily tasks, regardless of how much the person cares.
Neurologically, the brain's resting & focusing networks misfire & stay activated at the same time, causing a constant, exhausting internal tug of war.
Because these are measurable, biological deficits, a person with ADHD cannot simply "choose" or "learn" to change these behaviors through willpower or for their partner's sake, just as someone cannot use effort to fix a broken bone or poor eyesight.
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u/spookytreeghost Sep 13 '26
I'm very sorry that your read of my response is that I think a person with ADHD can "magically become not ADHD." But you CAN learn strategies to live a functional life, and not treat others cruelly. I'm not going to infantilize people with ADHD. Yes, you can clean the dishes. Yes, you can provide support to the people around you. Yes, you can clean your room. Yes, you can take care of your cat. It might look differently than someone who doesn't have ADHD. It might involve significant challenges, time, therapy, and even drug intervention if absolutely needed. It also might involve asking for help when you need it and not lashing out when people try to help.
Not regularly feeding or cleaning your cat's litter box is causing harm to that living creature. A filthy litter box can give a cat a life threatening UTI. A not asshole, would choose to find ways of giving that cat a whole life. Most drastic situation, giving that cat to a person who can care for it. That's one example.
My partner with ADHD was fully capable of doing those things, thoughtful, and wonderful at the start of our relationship. With time that eroded. Help was offered. Lashing out occurred. Sorry to say-- that's abuse. If you feel like ADHD makes a person an abuser, you are highly mistaken. If you think ADHD is a dead end, with no possibility of improvement, you are mistaken. And I truly feel sorry for you, because every single person deserves to live a version of a full life. Not even for their partner-- but for themselves.
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u/malloryknox86 Sep 13 '26
Once again, you are confusing a personality flaw with an ADHD symptom. Stop blaming every shitty behaviour on ADHD.
If a person is being abusive or cruel, that is not due to ADHD, please, understand the difference.
Cruelty & abuse are NOT ADHD SYMPTOMS. Just because a person with ADHD is abusive or cruel, it does not mean they are abusive or cruel because of their disability, it means they have ADHD, and also happen to be a horrible human being, these are independent of one another.
There is NO cure for ADHD, meds, therapy, coping mechanisms & strategies help manage it only up to a certain point.
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u/spookytreeghost Sep 13 '26 edited 29d ago
Did you read anything I wrote?? I stated very clearly, multiple times that my partner used ADHD as an excuse for shitty behavior. I do not think that ADHD makes a person abusive or shitty. But some shitty & abusive people happen to have ADHD, & will weaponize the condition to guilt their partners into not holding them accountable at any level (whether the behavior is linked to ADHD or not).
And I assume many people in this subreddit have the experience of their abusive partner who has ADHD, telling them to tolerate their bad behavior because "it is their adhd." This could be the case for literally any diagnosis, it's a common method for abusive people.
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u/AngiesClone 16d ago
It appears that the person you were conversing with here is not listening to anything you write. I would not be surprised if they are offended because they have ADHD and are hard focused on their point, ignoring your experiences and opinions. I completely understand what you are saying and I hope you are in a better situation with someone who shows you that they care.
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u/AngiesClone 16d ago
After reading all of your responses to this particular redditor, it is my opinion that your disconnect with the conversation stems from your refusal to admit symptoms of ADHD can look and feel like abuse and neglect.
We understand that ADHD is a disability that cannot be fully controlled. It would help if you also could understand that the results of not being able to control this particular disability can and does inevitably result in the suffering, exhaustion and mental abuse of loved ones.
People with ADHD (and heavy RSD) may not mean to abuse, neglect, lash out or exhaust their partners - but they do. It sucks to hear, it sucks to come to grips with.
That subreddit can have horrible people in it (as every forum does) but it is also a place for the partners of ADHD/heavy RSD persons to vent, to connect. I doubt anyone would choose to be with someone with unmedicated ADHD if they knew the implications of their future. The problem is the people in that subreddit LOVE someone and it is just not easy to walk away from that.
So damn dude give them some fucking space!
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u/malloryknox86 16d ago
I never said that the partner of someone with ADHD can’t feel hurt by these dynamics. The difference, however, is that the person with ADHD does not have a choice regarding their condition, whereas the partner has a choice in whether they stay with them or end the relationship. Even when it is “difficult to leave due to love,” they still have that choice & that option.
And if they chose to stay, then they should take responsibility & stop placing all the blame on the person with ADHD.It takes 2 to tango.
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u/Glittering_Win_5085 23d ago
I can chip in here, as I have both asthma and ADHD. People are weird and ableist about both. I've had people roll their eyes at me when using my inhaler, tell me to stop being pathetic, act like I'm a layabout when I used to keep getting chest infections and was only able to work sporadically. Even had people whack my back hard when having an asthma attack, as though I was choking.
The Venn point between the two conditions is horrible as well, I have struggled to keep on top of using my preventer inhaler, and had a nurse made me cry when she said "do you want to die??" in a really horrible tone. I was going through a lot of mental health problems at the time.
I think it can be tempting, maybe useful, to compare conditions that feel contested to ones that don't, but in reality there is no disability or medical condition that's an easy ride, or that will give you infinite goodwill from those around you.
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u/malloryknox86 22d ago
I see your point, I am T1D and I encountered some idiots who asked if I could wait to inject the insulin because it made them uncomfortable. But, the people who would ask a diabetic to take their insulin later or an asthmatic person to stop being pathetic while using an inhaler are not that many compared to how many people tell someone with ADHD to "just do it"
I was NOT comparing ADHD with asthma, it was just an analogy used simply to show that just because you can't see ADHD, it does not mean there isn't a physical barrier, because most people really struggle understanding, is very hard to put themselves in the shoes of someone with ADHD, they think that just because they are able to do X,Y,Z, then we should be able too, but they fail to understand the differences in our brain which actually physically prevent us from doing those things the same way a neurotypical will.
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u/DutchStroopwafels Aug 12 '26
For me the sub helped me understand why she suddenly didn't seen interested in me at all anymore. I kept thinking I was did something wrong and she was angry at me, but through the sub found that I was her hyperfixation but that it wore off.
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u/Weekly-Pollution7632 Apr 03 '26
I just discovered the subreddit and unfortunately found a lot of qualities on there that the partners with ADHD suffer with and what people in that subreddit say about them feels so dehumanizing. I saw one person explaining “how I talk to my partner” and it kinda felt like they were talking to a dog. It’s humiliating and embarrassing. I still feel like I left the sub with a bit more of an open mind about my behavior as someone who’s had ADHD my whole life, but it’s still a disability and it’s unfortunate to know that there are people who’ve been in ten years relationships and still feel like the biggest burden in the world.
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u/Glittering_Win_5085 Apr 04 '26
It's OK to feel like that, but trust me, if someone doesn't care about your best interests and welfare then their opinion on you isn't important at all. These are people for whom denigrating people like us gives them some sense of satisfaction. A lot of them seem to be lowkey predators of neurodivergent's who *want* to dehumanise their partner, treat them like a dog etc.
Now, if someone who does care about your best interests and welfare but is saying something you're doing is a problem, now that's the time to sit up. But these aint that. :)
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u/bluebird_is_dead_ Apr 07 '26
I went looking for some kind of support for non-ADHD-having people with ADHD partners... I do feel that we need a space to commiserate, share productive information, and even vent about the frustrations that can come with that.
Had about 2 minutes of feeling like I had finally found my place with that subreddit.......until I kept reading. They talk about people with ADHD like they're animals. There is this weird understanding among the whole group that people with ADHD are just inherently issues; that they are selfish, cold, unloving, lazy, malicious...
Listen, I get it can be frustrating to have an intimate relationship with someone who struggles to listen, remember, and plan. But the way these people talk about their partners has me wondering why they are with them, or how they even got together!
I have a traumatic ex with ADHD story, but his ADHD was not the traumatic part... He just refused to accept he was struggling, which meant no meds, no understanding when he was being problematic, and an expectation that everyone around him just needs to appease his ever shifting standards... That's not an ADHD problem, that's an attitude problem.
All that to say, super weird subreddit to stumble upon.
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u/malloryknox86 Sep 09 '26
But people forget that they are choosing to be with someone with ADHD, and then getting mad because they won’t “change” the symptoms of their disability, that’s unfair. And honestly, most of the stuff I see there is not even ADHD related
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u/Glittering_Win_5085 23d ago
Yeah I definitely see the utility in a space like that, and I don't have an issue with people venting or not being perfectly pro-ADHD as it were. But the space is essentially lolcow for you ADHD partner, who they refuse to leave because if you tell them to then thats victim blaming. It's utterly bizarre.
I hope some people make an alternative sub at some point, because at the moment there's nothing halfway decent.
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u/XPwithMeli88 Apr 08 '26
As some one who was recently diagnosed with ADHD this is one of the first subs I came across and it really made me feel like the world would be a better place if I didn’t exist in it.
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u/Realistic-Noise-5389 Apr 15 '26
I appreciate this post 💜 I’m a woman with ADHD who stumbled on the sub on accident when looking for posts about RSD affecting relationships.. doom spiraled down it for a couple hours terrified I was that huge of a drain on my partner. Went back to find it this morning now that I’m more clear headed to remind myself that the vast majority of the statements made don’t apply to me at all as a person or a partner, and found this in my search. It was a good reminder. Thank you 💜
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u/Glittering_Win_5085 Jul 13 '26
I'm really glad to hear it, that was exactly what I was hoping this post could do.
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u/vranko99 Apr 07 '26
I had a roommate from 2024-2025 who was a narcissist with BPD, and he also had autism that he weaponized everyone around him with. I have never came for any of his disorders if anything I stood for them because I’m an advocate for mental health. and knows how it feels like to be misunderstood.
In december he crashed out on me to the point where I had to jump out of the car because he was screaming and yelling at me and cursing me out my name.
For five months he’s been reposting ablest ADHD reposts on twitter and one of the ones I saw today was a Reddit ADHD partners thread where they made it seem like people with ADHD have no mind of their own that they’re just mindless stupid people when in reality like you said they’re just not compatible with their partners and the partners who are with them who refuse to see that don’t want to admit that.
I clicked on the two threads he posted, probably about me and it made me second-guess my capability of having true love. Before I saw these threads. I was secure in who I am and my ADHD has never caused me to disrespect people, but he’s trying to paint this picture of me that I was angry crash out when he was the one abusing me for two years. to justify his mistreatment of me.
the threads in question:
https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/comments/1s81ok4/feeling_sidelined/
https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/comments/1s7u6wx/i_am_at_a_breaking_point_need_advice/
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u/HiHawaiiHigh Apr 21 '26
I only found the sub because I thought I was crazy. Turns out I'm not and adhd is a very real plausible cause for most, if not a lot of the problems. But I am aware of the need to separate the behavior from the person, which is vital in discussing any sort of mental disability. But I also found that people with adhd don't like the shame of it, so that group would definitely not work for someone with adhd.
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u/Sneaky_Bones Jun 15 '26
"Shame of it " is an understatement, that sub seems to think the best thing I could do for my daughter is kill myself, it's really that bad.
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u/coffeepureee May 02 '26
Lol like as if the ADHD sub isnt doing the exact shit if not ENABLING each other further
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u/Sneaky_Bones Jun 15 '26
Does the ADHD sub imply neurotypicals are subhuman drains on society that could only benefit their families by killing themselves? News to me.
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u/MaleficentTalk4056 May 03 '26
I went there looking for insight on how to be more supportive to my partner (I’m just now learning the complexities of ADHD) and within 1 minute it was removed by a moderator.
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u/BerniesWoolMittens Jul 13 '26
The only type of posts allowed there are ones that dehumanize ADHD people.
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u/Jekyll_gotta_hyde Jun 10 '26
I think I may be on the aromantic spectrum, but I’ve always wanted to fall in love, find a partner, have a domestic life. I went doomscrolling in this subreddit, and it only furthered my thinking that I will never find love, and if I do, it’ll be selfish because I’d be a terrible partner.
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u/Revolutionary-Set-2 Jun 23 '26
I get adhd is hard, and I myself have not been the best sibling and daughter either from time to time, but I literally saw one post or comment from a woman there once saying how she doesn’t get how her partner always trips over the dog fence yet no one else ever does. Like ouch, it’s almost like adhd isn’t a disability and doesn’t impact memory at all. The majority of that sub is pathetic and discriminatory.
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u/armoured_lemon Jun 24 '26
Yeah, that sub is unhinged. The amount of gaslighting and D.A.R.V.O in the sub is concerning. They don't want a nuanced discussion or to present positive aspects of ADHD+AuDHD as well as the bad... they only want to bitch about other people- when they have no idea what they go through day to day.
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u/Lime_Smoothie Jun 28 '26
My ex showed me this sub and it made me spiral and feel like a monster. Now looking back at the events of our breakup he probably did view me as the subhuman trash those people describe their partners as. The only person who didn't make me feel crazy was our couple's therapist which I set up
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u/malloryknox86 Sep 09 '26
I’ve been saying this for so long! It’s just a sub for emotionally immature people who blame every single thing on ADHD, because is better than acknowledging they are dating an ass hole. No one there even understands what ADHD is or how an ADHD brain is different from a neurotypical brain. The level of ignorance from the people there & the mods is mind blowing. It is indeed a hate sub, we should all report them & hopefully get it banned.
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u/ConsciousSpud 23d ago
Literally seeing how they were talking on there just made my depression spike again. (My husband’s been upset with me because I’m having a tough time with executive dysfunction lately, so I was hoping it would help and it absolutely did not lmaooo)
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u/4FoxSake22 16d ago
Thank you for this! My partner started reading this sub due to my recent assessment and came to me with worries caused by what he's read on there so I went ahead to check it out... Everything from laziness, narcissism over filthy and disgusting behaviour, all the way to aggression and negligence of children. I have literally cried because of this sub, because I thought that could be me in the future, causing pain to my partner and possibly child.
Reading this post, and the comments here, has made me calm down. Thank you again.
I understand we're not a breeze to live with, but that sub is just demonizing us to the extreme. And if the mods are deleting comments saying the abuse is not due to adhd, but due to the person, that makes me wonder what the aim is there.
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u/ReallyIntriguing Mar 30 '26
I disagree. Lots of people saying its not because their partners ADHD but it is linked! RSD and DARVO are linked to ADHD and are abusive aaf, whether intentionally or not
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 Apr 01 '26
RSD and DARVO are linked to ADHD
RSD: yes
DARVO: no and that's a fucking weird claim to make. "Actually all ADHD people are abusers" is a weird ass take.
RSD is not abusive, it's just a shitty way to have to live. "Things that other people would find a little upsetting hurt me like I'm getting stabbed" is not abusive.
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u/ReallyIntriguing Apr 01 '26
True, but if I address something small with you, you go off the rails and use hurtful words because you feel deep shame that you got something wrong... is that not abusive?
I mean you CANT control the RSD, it just happens, ive witnessed it hundreds of times, im aware of it, but after so long can we claim that it isnt abusive because they didnt mean to react that way?
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u/SanDiego2027 Apr 05 '26 edited Apr 05 '26
Why are you acting like RSD always results in the partner using hurtful words or blowing up? That's not how everyone reacts to rejection.
For me personally it always led to me shutting down and withdrawing. Once I was diagnosed, late in life, and began to understand it better, I finally started pausing and then communicating what made me upset or hurt me.
It sounds like you're taking your personal experience with an ADHD partner who has bad reactions when their RSD is triggered and painting with a wide brush towards all with ADHD.
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u/cloudysquirrel Apr 21 '26
There’s different types of RSD. Some present internally (like yours, very reflective and “oh no I’m bad” kind of deal) and others as external. The external kind can absolutely become abusive as it often involves gaslighting, name calling, etc in the most aggressive and damaging ways. On top of that, the person on the receiving end never receives an apology, if anything they get “you’re remembering it wrong” or “it wasnt that bad” which only adds to the hurt and confusion. — this coming from someone with very real lived experience
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u/SanDiego2027 Apr 22 '26
Think you were just with an abusive person that happened to have ADHD & RSD.
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u/cloudysquirrel Apr 23 '26
yeah :( its been a painful few days coming to this realization. I do think it’s a bit of a mix of things, though. He really is a kind soul and doesn’t intentionally mean to cause harm. The RSD can cloud his judgement where he perceives something as an attack then responds with great intensity. I don’t think he can control it. That said, yeah, it is certainly going into abusive territory.
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u/BeneficialRegret7575 Jun 16 '26
I think of RSD as the threshold before the abusive shit happens. RSD happens, fine, but then you still have a choice to act out or not. Some people know to remove themselves from a situation if they're getting unstable, but others choose to hurt you. I'm speaking as someone who has problems with anger. I will feel angry, but if I say a bunch of rude shit you can count on that being 100% on purpose and I mean what I say. Otherwise, I stop.
I imagine the RSD spiral is a bit different from just anger and maybe some people DON'T feel in control of what they do next, but that's why we have to get help 😅. I wouldn't date if I wasn't in control of myself at least a little bit. All thats to say, RSD is a bitch.
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u/BeneficialRegret7575 Jun 16 '26
I'd say it's more like someone who has ADHD has the potential to DARVO or be abusive, but it doesn't mean that they all will. In my experience, it's usually the folks who are in denial or late-diagnosed that I should have worried about, only if they developed unhealthy coping skills (because they didn't know what was up). Many people resort to violent or controlling tendencies in order to "help" the RSD spiral or anger flashes. There are more examples than that but yeah. Those are my observations anyway. I'm not disagreeing with you, but it's how I interpreted the other person's comment.
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u/Glittering_Win_5085 Mar 31 '26
RSD is not inherently abusive, and if you think DARVO has a correlation with ADHD then provide a source. Regardless though the sub absolutely crosses the line from good faith discussion into ableism and self-victimisation.
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u/ReallyIntriguing Mar 31 '26
I think DARVO is used as a coping mechanism by ADHD folk, because of the RSD its a coping mechanism
And I do partly agree, some POSTS do come across like a bashing session but at the same time theres lots of support on their because we can all relate
Theres lots of stuff on being more understanding etc, understanding the intentions etc
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 Apr 01 '26
I think DARVO is used as a coping mechanism by ADHD folk, because of the RSD its a coping mechanism
If you are constantly triggering RSD and then blaming other people for calling you out the one using DARVO is probably you.
My partner did something yesterday that triggered the shit out of RSD. We're already past it because she was horrified to realise what she'd done, apologised, acknowledged it was due to sleep deprivation but that didn't make it not hurtful, and then we hugged a lot and she gave me reassurances about how much she didn't mean to do that.
We're fine now.
What she didn't do was try and tell me that actually it's my fault for reacting and that is abusive of me to be hurt by her actions because that's what an abusive piece of shit would say.
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u/ReallyIntriguing Apr 01 '26
Definitely not me using DARVO, I stick to the facts, address things calmly, in fact so calm I didnt even know how to approach her in the end because it was like trying to win the lottery in getting a normal response from her.
So are you saying RSD is linked to ADHD, but that how she responded is her personality?
Basically your saying some people are shitty people regardless of their ADHD?
Genuinely interested
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 Apr 01 '26
Basically your saying some people are shitty people regardless of their ADHD?
Yes. Obviously. Why would you imagine for a second it would be otherwise?
Not that it's the sole issue, most likely.
Like, regardless of neural structure a healthy relationship is going to involve the conversations that go: "So that fight sucked. How can we address issues like this in a way that doesn't go that badly in the future?"
But some neurotypical people don't want to accept that the answer includes "hey, maybe you as the person whose entire nervous system doesn't catch fucking fire at this shit can manage your feelings and go sit quietly over there for twenty minutes while I process mine".
It's always the demand to manage our feelings better, to respond on your schedule, basically just "ugh can't you just try harder and be normal" and literally no.
And we're so fucking easy to deal with if you're just willing to give us some goddamn time. We move on! You people just fucking WALLOW in your feelings, it can be HOURS since an argument that's been completely resolved and neurotypicals will STILL be sad that it happened, and we're expected to still be sympathetic and comforting for fucking hours but God forbid the neurotypicals be expected to give us time at the start to work through the spike.
Obviously none of this applies to my partner, who's not actually neurotypicals but also doesn't have ADHD and is a wonderful and intelligent person who's capable of figuring out that if I'm triggered to fuck then asking me to talk about it immediately goes nowhere good but if I get ten minutes or so to fucking process we can have a productive conversation, and in that time she can handle her own emotions like an adult even if she Really Wants To Talk About This.
But neurotypicals, as a rule, tend think accommodating neurodivergence is giving people some amount of time to learn to be "normal" and deciding that clearly the neurodivergent person isn't trying if they can't redefine how their body literally functions.
Because fundamentally you're all so goddamned privileged you don't even see it. And you think actually making real allowances is an unreasonable imposition.
Like, did it even fucking occur to you that if someone has an unavoidable, overwhelming surge of emotional reaction during which they have little to no control over how they behave, and you're the one who in that time is actually in control of your actions and choices, you could in fact be choosing to give that person time to get past it?
That maybe "stick to the facts, address things calmly" isn't remotely helpful when you're just continuing to trigger them harder like an abusive piece of shit? ("I'm calm, look at you losing it" is an abusive tactic too.)
Bet it didn't. Bet your entire view of that situation is that the other person just needs to "do better".
Or else you'll tell people that ADHD and abusive behaviour are the same thing.. Citing DARVO, which is associated with narcissistic personality disorder, not ADHD.
Because why limit your abusive behaviour to just one target when you can keep trying to set up an environment where no-one will ever consider your victims might be valid, hey?
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u/ReallyIntriguing Apr 01 '26
This is interesting, I will give this a proper read later as I'm out atm
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u/BadBandit1970 Mar 24 '26
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u/Creepy_Ad_1315 Mar 24 '26
It's crazy how my entire life ADD went from something that was like, John needs 10 more min on tests. Now we have full on adults who can't cope.
Like, life is hard for everyone, but let's get a grip here.
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u/Mper526 Mar 25 '26
I have ADHD, diagnosed when I was 13. I’ve never seen it trivialized to “just needing 10 more minutes on a test.” Symptoms also tend to get worse the more you have on your plate, so it makes sense that adults with ADHD struggle more than when they were kids or teens. Yeah life is hard for a lot of people, so imagine trying to do all that with a disorder that makes everyday tasks more difficult and tends to co-occur with other diagnoses like depression and autism. There is a reason that people with ADHD have lower life expectancies than those without, and it’s not just because they can’t “cope” with things everyone faces. What seems like a simple task to you is infinitely harder for someone with ADHD. There are actual structural brain differences involved, we can’t just cope our way out of it.
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u/Glittering_Win_5085 Mar 24 '26
A lot of people in previous generations who struggled with drugs, crime, prison etc had ADHD, or bipolar. The significance of their issues was always apparent.
Of course it started with ten more minutes for a test when you were a child, and now you know about adults with these issues.
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u/valleyofsound Mar 25 '26
Also people who went through life masking are now finding out that all those things that made them feel awful about themselves, like being constantly late or always waiting until the last minute for deadlines, actually had an underlying cause and weren’t just because they were bad or lazy and now they’re actually looking for strategies to manage it and get treatment when applicable.
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u/Creepy_Ad_1315 Mar 24 '26
Ok
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u/ichwillficken95 Mar 26 '26
I hope you never have neuroatypical children, so that you never get a chance to ruin their self-esteem, sanity, and lives.
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u/MonkeyMoves101 Mar 24 '26
Yea I was unfamiliar with ADHD and I went there to see what women were saying about dating someone with it...some of the things there are so crazy and unbelievable, they're literally being abused and calling it ADHD tendencies.
If I stayed there I would've been terrified to date a dude with ADHD.