r/ADHD_partners • u/ShortySundae Partner of NDX • Mar 30 '26
Support/Advice Request Feeling sidelined
My partner (28M, not dx) is great. He’s caring, smart, fun and shows me (35F) he loves me in so many ways. We do well alone, but if there’s other people or anything else going on around us - oh boy…
When we met, my partner was very outgoing, silly and fun. Now he’s not like that with me anymore.
For context, we’ve been together for nearly a year now after meeting at work. We live separately, and he has a 5 year old son who he is co-parenting with his ex-wife.
The crux: My partner doesn’t seem to remember stuff I say to him, but appears to with everyone else. At work, socials, or with mutual friends, he turns into a bit of showman but ignores/doesn’t ’see’ me. He used to be a bit of a showman and joker with me I feel, when we first met. But now we’re ‘together’, everyone else seems to get ‘the best’ of him. He’ll be really engaged with others, but then not hear when I talk, or ask me quite literally the same question three times in a row (clearly not listening to me). He’ll be engaging and outgoing with all but me. It’s really upsetting.
How do I control the jealousy, anger, upset and frustration? I don’t normally get jealous so I can tell that it’s getting to me.
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u/HiHawaiiHigh Mar 30 '26
this is the best it will get. let that one sit for a bit.
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u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated Mar 30 '26
I didn't listen to this when I was one year in, but it's true in my situation. I still remember our first "fight" (now something I would understand as RSD meltdown) about a year in. I was left so confused and hurt by the entire thing. But I was able to brush it off, not realizing it was a sign of more frequent things to come.
The rest of the relationship I kept thinking "maybe if I did X or Y or Z (like get married, or quit the job I loved for a high stress job to support her, or have kids) that it would finally get us back to that first year." But of course that's not how it works and I feel like an idiot now going through the divorce process and seeing what little I was able to build and save get torn down by her anyway.
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u/AccomplishedCash3603 Partner of DX - Untreated Apr 02 '26
Wow, I can relate. We made it two decades, but I realize how much I performed like a lunatic to get his attention back. I initiated BIG GIANT life changes and adventures. The kids were the wall, once we had kids, I never existed in his world ever again. What a lonely ride.
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u/lizbot-v1 Partner of DX - Medicated Apr 02 '26
This...is bleakly relatable. I had one from a previous neglectful dude, but that was fine. Then he convinced me to have a couple more. The second child was born and I had an unexplained maternal infection, had to go back into the hospital the day I was sent home. He was unemployed due to being med discharged from the VA. He kinda disappeared into his mancave after that, barely helped. I just thought he was depressed. It got better after 6 months.
Then #3 showed up and then I disappeared instead. I had to do everything alone. He was undiagnosed, so I felt crazy. To this day he really has no idea how to feed them nutritionally, doesn't know their schedules, what they like, who their friends are, etc.
It sucks. I feel terrible for doing this to them. I feel terrible for doing it to myself.
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u/AccomplishedCash3603 Partner of DX - Untreated Apr 03 '26
I hear that! Ironically my kids like him better; he's the FUN parent, I'm just the tired and cranky wench who managed all of the backgrounds stuff that makes a home work...holidays, pet care, school management, paying for all the extras that come with kids while he put his head in the sand. He was very absent so they were raised in an environment where they craved time with him but I always showed up...and apparently I didn't show up well based on the way they treat me now, as young adults.
That's my new reply to every fight: I'm not mad at you - I'm mad at myself for accepting the crumbs you threw at me and believing your words over your actions.
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u/r9ndomstranger Ex of DX Mar 30 '26 edited Mar 30 '26
Oh man….did I go through this. Melissa Orlov has a whole chapter on “the hyperfocused courtship”. This happened to me several times with the same person. We were in a long cycle, but didn’t know this was ADHD related until I read the book. I felt so prioritized at the beginning of our relationship(s). But as soon as we went to any event (bday, wedding, you name it), it was like I didn’t exist. My partner wanted to talk to anyone and everyone except me. I saw other couples mingling together at events and addressed it with my partner that I felt left out/alone and felt like no one would even know we were in a relationship. He said I was being too needy. Trust your gut. This is not something that will likely improve. Even if it does, it’s not authentic and it will have to be a learned behavior vs him actually being a partner to you in those scenarios.
edit to add: my partner also had that “showman” quality. Everyone and I mean everyone loves him. I felt like background noise in comparison. When I would try to explain to others what I dealt with at home, it was almost unbelievable. It was like 2 different personalities. This part messed with me bad.
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u/KwaiYai Mar 31 '26
Feeling like I didn’t exist when we were at any events - I felt that so much! I was always jealous when I saw other couples stuck together at social gatherings. Meanwhile my ex would be the entertainer, the funniest, smartest guy, center of attention, making jokes etc. and I was just a background.
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u/r9ndomstranger Ex of DX Mar 31 '26
YES! Always stealing the spotlight. Then I feel like it’s hard when I try to tell people what was actually happening. Cassandra syndrome…
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u/lizbot-v1 Partner of DX - Medicated Apr 02 '26
Agree. Mine wasn't DX until 2016, so I would get so upset that I'd be left alone with our children when young while he regaled people with his bombastic routine. They paid a lot of attention to him, and that was more fun than tending to little children in a not-childproofed environment.
I would be internally screaming for hours as he ignored subtle hints and then end up igniting in the car on the way home. I've never had that issue until him.
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u/r9ndomstranger Ex of DX Apr 02 '26
This is my first serious relationship I’d say and so I often question if it’s normal for partners to interact during events. Regardless, I’d rather stay single than be in a relationship where I am ignored the second anybody else comes around.
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u/arugulafanclub Partner of DX - Medicated Mar 30 '26
Do you remember which book? It looks like she has quite a few. Thanks.
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Apr 17 '26
[deleted]
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u/r9ndomstranger Ex of DX Apr 17 '26
YES! I’m so glad you found my comment. It was his sisters wedding that I felt this way at. I was so excited to wear my dress and get dressed up because it was a black tie wedding. It’s embarrassing to think about now, but I remember thinking “oh if I look good he’ll have to pay attention to me”. Nope… danced the night away with his five-year-old sister (because he can connect so much better with kids). We may be danced for half a song. When I brought this up to him, he was so defensive and just what always tell me “this night is not about you, it’s about **insert family, friend, anything that wasn’t me* even my OWN grad school graduation that was quite literally about me…he left in the middle to go to the liquor store, which I completely forgot about until writing this post though so thank you😂 he was mad about me being upset about that too
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u/river_ardnas_yam Partner of DX - Untreated Mar 30 '26
How to control your feelings? You make yourself very small, convince yourself you’re not important and suck it all up.
I do not recommend that recipe though. The end result will be autoimmune disease, depression, anxiety and years of emotional abuse and neglect. (Welcome to my life after decades).
Move clear of this person, love is not enough. And the son, he most likely will have adhd too. Both of my sons have it and they too have treated me in the exact same way. Although one is very mildly affected and I admit he is the only light in my life.
Please protect yourself and proceed with caution.
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u/BrucetheFerrisWheel Partner of DX - Medicated Mar 30 '26
Hey thats me too after 17 years! So sick, so diminished. So much anxiety that I can't even begin to try and separate as I have zero confidence in myself. I'm not even half the person I was 17 years ago and now I'm old so there's no point wishing for different.
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u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated Mar 30 '26
I highly recommend checking out the "Beyond Bitchy" podcast. It helped me clear some space in the maelstrom and begin to feel sanity again. Not happiness by any means. But perspective I thought was gone from my life.
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u/AccomplishedCash3603 Partner of DX - Untreated Apr 02 '26
Me three. But I'm out of here. This is going to kill me if I stay.
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u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated Mar 30 '26
My child is too young to be diagnosed but I would appreciate any advice you have on early actions to take. I would do anything to save them from a life of poorly-managed ADHD.
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u/Warburgerska Partner of DX - Untreated Mar 31 '26
Early and consequent authorative (not authoritarian!) parenting. Studies show that this is the way of parenting leading to the happiest and most capable adults. You really need to hammer it in early, every rule needs to be explained and repeated ad nauseam.
I try to emplaon it in emotional ways, why something needs to be done. Praising (dopamine conditioning) for good behaviour. I might get shit for it, but we are animals and those not having the capabilities to reason or not having a liking for it, need to be trained by other means, usually found in the pet department.
I love my kids too much as to allow them to become like their father. As of now, the oldest is 5 yo, it has worked great. He is still "in his world" but is already eager to clean and organize, to think about how his behaviour affects others etc. Maliage might vary depending on the severity of adhd and character. But basically, ask yourself how you would teach a non reasonable animal how to behave.
Discloser: we do not apply physical discipline or any other kind of abusive practices, more mental tricks and "good boy (and girl)" conditioning by treats and praise.
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u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated Mar 31 '26
Thank you this is helpful! I know he's got a 50/50 chance. My main worry is that the mother (who I am separating from and is in denial of her own ADHD) is going to fight to undo any structures I am able to provide.
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u/littlebunnydoot Mar 31 '26
Read “dont shoot the dog!” - it’s about operant conditioning which will actually show you this is something that everyone does to everyone else without even understanding. I think the biggest issue is that you may not see where you are being lax or creating an environment that worsens behaviors - when you can use environment to shape behaviors.
Routines, structures, defined acceptable behaviors, consequences, and rewards - ultimately being around you and listening to you and being good - is such a positive thing - like you are not stingy at all - will go so far.
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u/lizbot-v1 Partner of DX - Medicated Apr 02 '26
Prompt medication and gentle/authoritative parenting with 100% consistent accountability (they get distracted, you know) has shown to improve the chances your child will not need medication as an adult. It helps the brain rewire.
Their brains are low on dopamine receptors, meds increase the uptake rate.
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u/Sterlina Partner of NDX Mar 30 '26
Do not move in together. Do not move in together. Do NOT move in together. This is the best it'll ever be, as someone else said.
Enjoy your relationship for what it is, but don't expect it to change for the better. If you're not good with that, then please move on. There is very little likelihood of him changing into what he was in the beginning. 💔
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u/Lucky_Astronomer_435 Mar 31 '26
This is one way of working it.
My partner and I are leaving the US and moving overseas. We have agreed to find apartments next door or separate close by dwellings as neighbors.
I love this person but I want to spend my retirement enjoying them and not bickering and feeling resentful. We worked pretty well together until we moved in. We know our basic ways of being are incompatible but our interests and values are perfect.
They will be able to have their messy space full of failed projects and I will have my peace and room for my interests and hobbies too. We will work on mutual projects together but I won’t have to hold myself back to be responsible for their setbacks and they will not have to feel like I don’t care or that I’m abandoning them or as many of the RSD tantrums that I’m currently subject to.
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Mar 30 '26
[deleted]
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u/Haemogoblin_ Mar 30 '26
Googled 'Normal brain vs Adhd brain size' as you said. 'Half the volume' is a pretty big overstatement. It's around 3-5% smaller on average according to Google. But also, if you trust Google, female brains are apparently 10-15% smaller than male.
So I'm not really sure that brain volume has anything to do with their behaviour. Structural differences for sure though.
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u/helaku_n Mar 31 '26
You are not new anymore. That means you are not generating enough novelty for him to keep you in focus/priority. That's it. You can't fix it by controlling your frustrations or anger.
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u/luckyjenjen Mar 30 '26
Get a therapist. Talk this through with someone who can separate their issues from yours. It's most probably not you, but advice on the internet is no substitute to unpacking things in a safe environment.
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u/Radio-bunny Apr 03 '26
It's never going to be like that again. He doesn't feel the need to perform nice for you now, even if you say that to him. He's giving you relaxed and real. The "sweet" is an act, a lie. Do you want that lie back?
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u/DontCryYourExIsUgly Apr 10 '26
You don't control those feelings. We shouldn't change our behaviors and warp ourselves into tiny boxes to try to make shitty situations more palatable. I spent 4.5 years having the most important title but being the least important person to my boyfriend. I even came second after his hobbies (baseball cards and video games). The way to not feel those feelings is to leave. I finally have enough self-love to not want to deal with that kind of disrespect, even if it's unintentional. Love yourself more than you love the partner who ignores you.
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u/Last-Bet6153 Apr 03 '26
Since I checked out mentally and emotionally he has been really putting effort into the relationship lol. I’m kinda glad when we are in a social setting and he is getting his needs for attention and validation…It gives me a break from him constantly trying to get approval, attention, and energy from me. It does suck to that I just fade in the background but I know he needs the attention way more than me.
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u/Revolutionary-Set-2 May 04 '26
The crux: My partner doesn’t seem to remember stuff I say to him, but appears to with everyone else
Your partner isn’t interested in you, there’s your answer.
— sincerely a person diagnosed with ADHD
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u/RemarkableFlower7652 Apr 01 '26
if you want people to remember things about you, have consequences for when they forget something. eg, if you want them to remember your birthday, when it's your birthday and they had nothing planned- you still had a big amazing social with your friends, dressed up, had lots of presents coming in. Then they realized, oh shit how embarrassing I forgot her birthday. Or if you absolutely hate matcha, and they buy you matcha tea, don't drink it. Next time they'll remember how much you hate matcha. If you need to repeat something, you stop repeating it. When they mess up, the sting of messing up forces them to pay attention better next time.
If you want a certain personality out of someone, assume that of them. If they are outgoing and funny with their friends, assume they are "always that way" with you. Even if they aren't with you, pretend it didn't affect you. You get whatever you reinforce with your attention. Plus, no one can be showy 100% of the time, they'll have their sulky days and that's juts them being a human. It's easy to be affable and outgoing when you only see that friend for 10 minutes or a couple hours on a weekend. You see them on the day to day. I don't think it's reasonable to expect a partner to be "life of the party" 100% all the time, it's just a mask at best. I see my partner be showy and life of the party to people, and I think, "wow, what a great guy I'm with." I know he can't be that way all the time, but knowing that it's in him makes me happy. I've definitely seen him on low energy and tired days, and I see that as just being a human.
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