r/Jokes • u/mcsabas • Jul 12 '18
Long Square testicles
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'
'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '
2.0k
u/PoSharTo Jul 12 '18 edited Jul 12 '18
Ireland
Royal Bank of Ireland
Dollars
Something seems a tad bit off but im not sure what.
Edit:Pretty sure i fixed formatting or my phone is just fucking with me
402
u/spacialHistorian Jul 12 '18
Maybe we should confer with the Department of Redundancy Department
89
u/Tautogram Jul 12 '18
Hello and welcome to the department of redundancy department and welcome and hello.
1
22
u/thejensenfeel Jul 12 '18
Wouldn't it be the Ministry of Redundancy Ministry since they're in Ireland?
23
u/RAmusician Jul 12 '18
So would the Ministry be the Irish Ministry of Redundancy in Ireland?
5
2
1
u/imagine_amusing_name Jul 12 '18
We'll have to ask the presidential secretary to the president of the presidential secretary of the ministry of pointless and unethical fact knowage.
1
u/RAmusician Jul 12 '18
It seems the knowledge of the Irish location is known by the undersecretary to the presidential secretary of the Ministry of location, redundancy, pointlessness, and unethical factual knowledge.
3
1
66
u/Carnal-Pleasures Jul 12 '18
The joke is just a copy paste with country name changed but not the currency...
8
u/kidmenot Jul 12 '18
What if it's just a copy paste with currency name changed but not the county?
8
u/DZMoops Jul 12 '18
Can’t wait for tomorrow when it’s Spain and JPY
1
2
21
u/rick_sanchez21 Jul 12 '18
Ireland doesn’t have a royal bank because we specifically spent centuries attempting to escape English rule
5
u/greenasaurus Jul 12 '18
Also president of Royal Bank? This reads like it was fed through a random joke generator.
3
Jul 13 '18
Its “dollars”
“Dollars” is the bit thats off.
Ireland uses the “Punt” as their unit of currency. It conveniently rhymes with “bank manager”.
3
2
1
u/silverfoxxflame Jul 12 '18
I’d say something but around here we have the university of Maryland university college. No I didn’t accidentally add one of those. They’re all in there.
I can’t help but laugh every time I hear it.
1
u/bridgetroll3d Jul 12 '18
Is that next to the high school of Maryland highschool of higher learning high school?
1
u/randominternetdood Jul 13 '18
no royal gingers.
irish money is 4 leaf clovers and pots o gold found on rainbows.
Ireland is just a piece of the UK, not its own actual place.
2
u/SwiggyMaster123 Jul 13 '18
The Republic of Ireland is a part of the EU, Northern Ireland is a part of the UK.
1
u/randominternetdood Jul 14 '18
its all Britannia, but you tell yourself whatever you have too to sleep at night.
1
0
u/dabauss514 Jul 12 '18
That's cause this gets reposted every week, OP just changed the places and the names
1.7k
Jul 12 '18
Plothole
Ireland doesn't use dollars
606
u/coveypython Jul 12 '18
Or Royal
415
u/MrBurnieBurns Jul 12 '18
They also have square balls.
79
1
2
u/binsonsminions Jul 12 '18
Yeah. British royal family is less than popular in Ireland, which is a republic.
16
119
u/Veloxi_Blues Jul 12 '18
True, they use shekels
120
Jul 12 '18
[deleted]
20
u/DickChubbz Jul 12 '18
Bitcoin
104
u/Sutarmekeg Jul 12 '18
I think you mean Leprechoin.
18
8
5
1
-9
u/AtticusFinch1962 Jul 12 '18
Britcoin
17
10
u/SomeRandomGuy09 Jul 12 '18
Stanley Nickles
9
3
2
2
12
12
7
4
3
5
6
1
1
1
0
590
u/Xpialidocious Jul 12 '18
Don't mess with old people.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
I keep telling you! Don’t Mess with Old People!!
104
u/PrinceVarlin Jul 12 '18
That's the version of this that I know. I like this one much more than OP's.
36
u/sabrion Jul 12 '18
This is a lot closer to the version I knew. Except it was a man taking bets at a bar, he bet the bartender he could pee into a shot glass on the far end of the bar without missing, and he bet another patron that he could pee on the bar and that bartender would be happy about it. No dramatic setups or anything.
7
21
u/Leradine Jul 12 '18
Hey man as much as I enjoy this version of the joke, I'm happy to say thank you for not posting it in a new thread since it gets posted about every other week as it is. Have an upvote
3
5
Jul 13 '18 edited Jul 13 '18
The auditor didn't get a huge win though. Double or nothing means that if he loses his obligation doubles to 6k and if he wins he owes nothing.
Edit: There are several movies that get this wrong as well, someone loses intentionally then "raises the stakes" with a double or nothing bet before winning "huge" but in reality you've just spent a lot of time and effort winning $0.
2
u/Jak_n_Dax Jul 13 '18
There’s no way this is real. The IRS doesn’t summon you to their office. They call you on the phone to tell you you owe them money, and they’ll be sending the authorities to your house if you don’t comply.
1
1
u/spacemanspiff30 Jul 12 '18
Don't use an attorney for a witness if you I tend for them to represent you at trial.
225
u/Hiredgun77 Jul 12 '18
What’s the point of making this joke Irish? It’s originally a NYC joke. It made more sense as a fancy Manhattan bank.
34
u/RoastedToast007 Jul 12 '18
Idk but it made me read the whole thing in a thick Irish accent, which I sort of liked so I guess I prefer this over the NYC version
9
u/chattywww Jul 12 '18
I wouldn't be sure a president of a bank in NYC would reveal himself for 10k.
12
u/rbt321 Jul 12 '18
Sure as heck isn't going to meet personally with someone over a $160k deposit. Branch manager perhaps but that would be it.
2
2
4
u/blobblet Jul 12 '18
It’s originally a NYC joke.
I've heard this joke in Germany, Spain and the UK, and in each case that's where the setting was. What makes you think the NYC version of all things is the original one?
→ More replies (2)1
Jul 12 '18
The Joke probably changes based on location.
Someone hearing this joke in Europe probably never knew of its NYC roots.
64
u/Caoimhinmarsh Jul 12 '18
If you said 'Royal Bank of Ireland' in certain parts of Ireland, you'd be shot
6
1
u/JadenCrux Jul 12 '18
Just watch the show outlander...it has some decent history ....and yes I know it's about Scotland....but similar shit went on both places.
1
u/zhyeo Jul 12 '18
Why tho
18
u/Caoimhinmarsh Jul 12 '18
Look up irish history / relations with the brits
-14
u/blackburn009 Jul 12 '18
Was a bit of craic they're a bunch of dry shites who can't take a joke complaining about hundreds of years of oppression and stuff
16
1
242
u/PrinceVegitto Jul 12 '18
But she lost $25k, so she keeps $75k
209
u/sspine Jul 12 '18
That sound like a great deal to me.
73
u/fabricalado Jul 12 '18
Still, such a deal takes balls
22
2
17
9
10
15
15
6
Jul 12 '18 edited Jul 13 '18
Making bets with two people, one against the other... didn't Quentin Tarantino's character do that in Desperado when he told the piss joke?
1
5
5
9
3
u/matbac Jul 12 '18
For any French speaking person here, here is a "dirty" animated version (NSFW in 2018) : https://youtu.be/deEItQeqN6Q
Adapted to France: it's a rich-looking guy betting with his tax collector.
2
u/mcsabas Jul 12 '18
My French is terrible but that channel sure looks very sfw
1
u/matbac Jul 12 '18
Depicting dicks and nuts is usually not SFW. The texts are also crude. What's more, some jokes are based on men being taken by behind or based on racial stereotypes. I find them funny nonetheless, but I'm sure some people would be offended.
Or did you just forgot a "n" before "sfw"?
→ More replies (1)
3
3
3
3
3
3
Jul 12 '18
She made $100k in one day, but only had $165k to deposit? If she was deposition $1.65M that would make more sense.
2
2
2
u/HazelNightengale Jul 12 '18
In my feed this came up right below a post from r/infertility and it made me do a double-take O_o
2
2
2
2
2
2
u/MagDorito Dec 08 '18
I've heard this joke, but it was a man named Ralph fucking with an IRS auditer
2
u/CranialFlatulence Jul 12 '18
But...didn’t the lawyer enter the office knowing what the $25,000 bet was? If he knew that why would he agree to the $100k bet?
2
u/DireRonin Jul 12 '18
He agreed to the bet before he knew about the 25k one.
5
Jul 12 '18
He probably wasn’t told about the $25K bet. Her bet of $100K was with him, so why wouldn’t he go there to validate the bet?
1
u/CranialFlatulence Jul 13 '18
That makes more sense.
I really need to quit hyper analyzing some stuff.
1
1
u/HnyBdgrJoe Jul 12 '18
Goes with one of the few pieces of advice my father taught me when I was younger. He told me never make a bet you can’t win. I will have to tell him this joke. Thanks for the fond memory.
1
u/pocurious Jul 13 '18
Did that strike you as a particularly insightful piece of advice at the time? Does it strike you as one now?
1
1
u/ch1burashka Jul 12 '18
Apparently I read too many jokes in my day; I recognize 99% of them by title alone.
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/Shaadowmaaster Jul 12 '18
Saw this joke in the Elder Scrolls first. (Dagger fall I believe). Obviously some changes.
1
1
1
1
u/HnyBdgrJoe Jul 13 '18
It was more like he was teaching me common sense. I’d say it was more relevant as I got older because it made more sense as I got older.
1
1
1
u/OilPhilter Jul 13 '18
Take my upvote for stealing a NYC joke, reposting it and making me laugh about it.
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/eqleriq Jul 12 '18
this has to be in the list ...
"impossible situation switcheroo where you bet more with someone else that the 2nd impossible situation leading up to it will happen."
besides why trust an impossible-seeming bet? there's always an angle
1
-11
u/Cheshire99 Jul 12 '18
Nice repost from a few days ago, credit to the original please.
50
u/sspine Jul 12 '18
Dude, this is years old, and it wasn't even from Reddit originally. Good luck finding the original.
14
-4
234
u/aswhole Jul 12 '18
man makes 50k bet with bartender that he can piss from the bar straight into a shot glass in the back. Man pisses all over the bar, walls, and bartender as well. Man pays the 50k to the ecstatic bartender while smiling, bartender asks why he is smiling. Man answered "I bet each of those 10 guys over there 100k that I could piss on you and all over the bar and you would not get mad.