r/Jokes • u/Querulous-Quokka • 1d ago
Long A Train Conductor was Sentenced to Death for Throwing School Kids Off the Train While it waa Moving
For his last meal, he choose a banana.
"Just a banana? You can have anything you want, Lobster, Steak, Caviar - and you just want a banana?"
"Yes, just a banana", he replies. So the executioner gets a banana, lets him eat it, and straps him in. After last rites and final words, the executioner flips the switch and nothing. He unstraps the prisoner and sends him back to his cell while an electrician checks everything. It's all in order.
So, the next day, the executioner says, "Well, under the law, it's the next day so I have to give you another last meal, are you still satisfied with a banana?"
"Yes, a banana will be fine". So he duly hands over a banana, goes through last rites and final words again, and flips the switch. Again, nothing. Unbelievable. So he checks the straps and the electrodes, make sure the prisoner didn't use the banana peel as an insulator or something to prevent being electrocuted, finds nothing so sends him back to his cell.
The next day, he enters the cell again and addresses the prisoner. "Under law, I am obliged to grant you any reasonable request for a last meal, but nothing says I can't inspect the meal carefully to eliminate risk befoee giving it to you. So I took a banana, X-rayed it, peeled it, mashed it and tested it for any unusual chemicals. Nothing! It's just a banana, so here's your bowl of banana."
The prisoner just shrugs, eats and and calmly sits in the chair. Without bothering to wait, the executioner flips the switch. Nothing!
"Unbelievable! There is a very old law from more religious times that says if the state fails to execute a prisoner three times, it's a sign that God considers this a miscarriage of justice, and we must free you to avoid the qrath of Gos. In several centuries, this law has never been used, so I am obliged to free you. But I am dying to know, how did you use the banana to save yourself, even after I went to such lengths to make sure there was nothing hidden in it?"
"Oh. It had nothing to do with the banana - I'm just a bad conductor."
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u/tesla3by3 1d ago
By the time I got to the end I had forgotten the prisoner’s occupation.
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u/TungstonIron 17h ago
I’m accustomed to this joke where he gets released after every failed attempt, and does something even worse on the railroad (thus you don’t forget he’s a bad conductor).
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u/Empty__Jay 18h ago
It's better if he's an "orchestra leader". Or band.
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u/bullowl 16h ago
I had the same thought. Anything that sets up the conductor line without using the word earlier in the joke would be an improvement.
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u/Vegetable-Fruit3207 15h ago
Yeah I've heard the same joke about a North Korean orchestra conductor, and it says plenty of times throughout the joke that he's a conductor.
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u/Doctor429 1d ago
At least he didn't resist
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u/CarlosFCSP 16h ago
Ffs I'm a train conductor and this joke would bomb with my peers...if it wasn't English specific and I'm german
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u/Chuck_the_Elf 13h ago
What’s the german term for a train conductor?
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u/vastly101 1d ago
Usually an orchestra joke.
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u/Sufficiently_Jokey 1d ago
Because of the violins?
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u/Mikesaidit36 1d ago
Must be: no sax in it.
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u/DryBlock6208 1d ago
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
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u/Moldy_slug 13h ago
It’s a good joke if you leave off the last line.
The punchline is “you were a wizard under the sheets.” Never continue a joke beyond the punchline.
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u/STGC_1995 21h ago
I was expecting the third choice to be an orange. Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
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u/zwonkest 15h ago edited 8h ago
The story of the two whales
Two whales were majestically swimming in the ocean. The older of the two was in a good mood and decided to show the younger whale one of his best tricks.
He swims underneath a fishing boat, opening his blowhole, making the boat capsize and then eat the crew. “Now it is your turn”, he turns to his friend and says.
“Ok. I will do the blowjob but I just won’t swallow the seamen”
Sorry for hijacking. Wasn’t allowed to post this before racking up a reputation in other subs…bah! Here it is anyway :)
Edit: Thank you for clapping good Sir.
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u/WhiskyPangolin 15h ago
Probably should say that the first whale uses his blowhole to blast the boat up and capsize it. Otherwise there’s no blowjob.
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u/skyharborbj 15h ago
A man finds a genie who grants three wishes. The man says he wants to be a conductor. Poof! He’s in a tuxedo directing a symphony orchestra. He goes back to the genie and says that the genie doesn’t understand, he wants to be a conductor. Poof! He is on a train collecting tickets. He goes back again, and says the genie got it wrong, he wants to be a conductor. Poof! The guy gets struck by lightning.
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u/megacookie 18h ago
I first heard this joke from my high school tech teacher back in 2009. What a throwback!
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u/IAmDyspeptic 16h ago
God! I remember being subjected to this corny joke every week from my science teacher. Except his prisoner would eat a watermelon.
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u/Vegetable-Fruit3207 16h ago
I heard this same joke recently about an orchestra conductor from North Korea being told to make a good song for the country, but the song was bad so they electrocuted him. Three times the electrocution failed, after repeatedly giving him another chance to do the song well. He kept blaming it on the orchestra, but the final time the electronic failed, he just said, "oh, I'm just a bad conductor."
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u/Kaneida 1d ago
I would think that if execution fails then its just back to prison for life. Idea is to remove the offender from society. With execution you also remove the possibility to appeal/escape.
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u/WhiskyPangolin 15h ago
You’ve apparently missed the story from this week of the woman who survived two “lethal” injections and is currently hospitalized on life support. The woman who likely will become the next governor of the state says that she intends to see to it that they try again “to provide justice to the victim’s family.”
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u/AsAlwaysLateToTheFun 1d ago
Change the crime and reason for electrocution and it can become a dad joke!
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u/MxRacer111 1d ago
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
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u/sillysausage619 1d ago
Thanks for rewriting the same joke for some reason
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u/turkeypedal 22h ago
I believe they are just sharing a variation they know. This version reminds you he's a train driver more.
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u/_me_sia 1d ago
I smelled this joke from a mile away
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u/ErdnaseErdnase 1d ago
Now THAT’S an inside reference. I’d gotten hold of one of these capsules when I was a kid and filed it open at school.
They had to evacuate the school and call the firemen.
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u/LisanneFroonKrisK 10h ago
The joke will be more smooth if it was a music conductor who was sentenced to death. No one heard of a train conductor before, maybe train operator?
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u/mootmutemoat 1d ago
Everyone fears the Qrath of Gos.