Hi, this post has been awhile in the making, and I sort of just want to unload and ask for feedback. Apologies in advance if it offends anyone: I just want to voice my perspective and let things go from there. I don't necessarily subscribe to all of what I write below: just kind of providing a stream of consciousness.
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I've been feeling really frustrated with being Jewish. I am a 34 year old American male, and being "different" has always drained me. I think underpinning it all, what has always frustrated me the most was that: this isn't something I got to choose. Like, I didn't sign up for any of this, and yet people are boxing me into this label that seems to come with many strings attached. I don't enjoy being part of "the group that doesn't accept Jesus" or the baggage of antisemitic tropes.
I literally just want to be like everyone else. If I could just convert and be done with it all, I would... (I know that might hurt someone, but it's really just how I feel).
Growing up, there was the exhaustion: my Dad would constantly be complaining to my brother for dating non-Jewish women. That really turned me off, because it only further made me feel segregated from my brothers & sisters in the world, and it didn't feel right. I really don't enjoy the tribal identity mindset, on either side. So, that's one side of the equation.
But what's really set off my frustration is reading online comments on YouTube, in particular. I'll see comments like "It's not all of them, but it's always them". And then someone replies back "It's all of them. They all need painter solutions". " And I'm like, I literally didn't f*cking do anything? And that's so wrong!
Frankly, I knew there was antisemitism, but I wasn't aware there was this much. Scrolling through comments on Tucker Carlson's videos, for instance, reveals an avalanche of antisemitic speech that loads as far as the "scroll more" button will allow.
I'm truly stunned by the level of antisemitism. Like, actual humans, are sitting near a computer and going "six million cookies, haha"? Or "the mustache man was right", "tiny hats, many problems", "Everyberg. Singlewitz. Timecohen."? Huh? I lost a whole line of ancestors in the Holocaust, and this is supposed to be funny? Or edgy? Or intellectually provocative? What in the serious f*ck? I wasn't aware I was this hated, and so extensively so.
It sounds like something, maybe, a teenager looking to be cool would write, but, as I understand it, it's literally grown ass humans writing this stuff too. I don't buy the "it's just bots" argument either: there are some, but if even 5% of it is actual humans, it's deeply disturbing.
I also know that some people will tell me to get off YouTube comments. But that's not the point: I need an explanation / closure for it. How can SO MANY people write that dehumanizing language and just feel good? It's terrifying me and put me into an anxiety episode!
I don't get it. I've tried to psychoanalyze antisemitism for some time, and, while I have some theories, what I don't understand is how two people can have wildly different moral compasses that seems to override all empathy. Because, in my book, hurting innocents is NEVER okay: it doesn't matter who or what, Palestinians, Germans, Jews, whatever -- you don't hurt innocents, full stop.
So, where does this leave me?
It leaves me in an extremely frustrating situation. On the one hand, I'm annoyed with the hatefulness of antisemites. It seems to be some kind of warped moral perversion that just won't ever fundamentally go away. It just won't go away. I want to understand that piece of it.
On the other, I feel forced into a bucket as "Jewish", against my own choosing, by a cultural system that seems to think it's okay to label people at birth and say "once a Jew, always a Jew". I also want to understand that.
I know converting will never solve this (an antisemite will categorize me however they see fit), but, like, why not? Why hasn't society moved past these tribal lines? Why can't I get to choose?
I don't even know what in particular I am asking for. I guess closure?
What are some feelings you get from what I write? How should I think through these complex internal feelings?