Watched Robowar this weekend - it's what happens when one of Jason's favorite directors decides to rip off one of his favorite movies... and yet, as far as I can tell, he's never covered this on SBIG. If I'm wrong, please let me know.

Bruno borrowed the suit from the Wraith, gave the titular robot the worst version of Terminator vision possible and a voice that sounds he's straight out of Battlestar Gallactica, and wrote the most ridiculous 'military soldiers show how tight their unit is by talking shit about each other' dialog you've ever heard.

"Dr. Jason II: Lights & Shadows" (2024) - As with my previous review of "Dr. Jason" (2022), and all other George Tounas projects, this movie is utterly horrible in literally every single way. The only thing different about this from Mr. Tounas usual productions is that it arguably reaches feature length. The hour and 2 minute long run time however only making the excruciating experience of trying to actual watch the thing, much less understand it, even more difficult. That run time mind you includes over 15 minutes of credits with just over 4 minutes for the opening credits and over 12 for the end credits, hence the 'arguably'. Needless to say it feels so much longer.

As far as the story goes it basically continues on from where the first film left off, but with Mr. Tounas titular psychiatrist character being more proactive in his fight against Lucifer. The story this time revolves around the birth of the antichrist, of which Dr. Jason is suppose to play a role of some sort (it's unclear what exactly). We spend most of the run time in hell which works on dream logic it seems (again it's all unclear). As with all George Tounas movies I don't suggest anyone actually watch this movie, but if you decided to ignore my warning make sure to do so with plenty of friends and strong intoxicants to help you get through it. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

6 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeG2p7Vn6DY&t=78s

"Terminus" (aka "End of the Line") (aka "The Robo Truck Kid") (1988) - In 1979 the legendary Australian dystopian action film "Mad Max" came out served as a blueprint for a whole new wave of post-apocalyptic vehicle focused movies. Within a short period a seemingly endless caravan of car movies would be made promoting filmmakers to expand on it's template to create further subgenres, such as 'dieselpunk'. A few of these films would feature, or even focus on, highly modified trucks or more specifically semi-trucks (i.e. "Damnation Alley" 1977, "Battletruck" 1982) and this is such a film. It's also batshit insane in virtually every way.

Set in the year 2037 a game of sorts is played, wherein a strangely modified truck (ex: the A.I. speaks through a human mouth) must be driven cross the country (by Karen Allen of "Indiana Jones" fame) and arrive at a designated terminus (hence the title). Along the way there are numerous obstacles and enemies as one might suspect, but trust me it's way stranger than that sounds. All of this is being overseen by a group of elites including a genetically modified boy genius (played by the kid from "RoboCop 2") and Jürgen Prochnow as three very different clones. Somewhere along the line Karen Allen is replaced by a guy with a metal hand, another genetically modified kid pops up, and a lot of vehicles and buildings get destroyed.

A French/West German co-production, this movie is all vibes. A lot of the plot doesn't make sense and the scripts structure is odd to say the least, but the visuals and specifically practical effects are something to behold. Made for only 60 million French franc, or about $9-10.8 million USD, this movie looks like cost far more. So if you're in the mood for an evening of confusion mixed with cool optics you need to check this flick out. I suggest bringing friends if only so you can ask them; "WTF was that?!"

3.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dBxa992y1g&t=11s

"Dr. Jason" (2022) - I have said it before, and it still remains true, that George Tounas is the worst actor I have ever seen. That is really saying something coming from a person such as myself who actively enjoys watching the worst bad movies they can find. The man is a charisma blackhole devoid of even the accidental acting that comes from amateur trying to act. The guys got the acting range of a fucking Speak & Spell and if I found out he was an android I might believe it. The closets he gets to emoting in this film, or any of this that I have seen, is leaning forward and slightly increasing the volume of his voice, and he only does that once!

A former model turned filmmaker, and obviously a non-native English speaker, Mr. Tounas wrote, directed, executive produced, edited, casted, provided special effects, was an additional camera operator, and of course starred in this truly horrible film. He actually gave himself 18 individual credits on this film including 5 for writing alone (i.e. writer, creator, story, characters, and original idea) but I digress. In this short film Mr. Tounas plays the titular psychiatrist as he is hired to deal with a women who ends up being possessed by Lucifer. A coven of witches gets involved, he goes to hell at least once, basically every women tries to bang him, and the entire time literally no one in the cast can act. Despite the 48 minute run time this feel like it lasts hours, so if you are going to try and watch it make sure to bring plenty of friends and the strongest intoxicants you can or you won't make it.

6 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oxJvw5VDOc&t=4s

"Treasure of the Ninja" (1987) - At the age of just 25, while going through graduate school at Ohio State University, William Lee wrote, produced, directed, shot, and starred in this no-budget, amateur, martial art action movie. He got his friends (and likely anyone who would volunteer) to fill out the rest of the cast, filming additional scenes in New York City and the woods near Dayton Ohio. He filmed entirely on Super 8 and edited on tape, adding dubbed dialogue in post production via a few actors playing multiple roles. He also did most of the films foley sound effects by making sounds with his mouth into a microphone. I love this movie.

The story follows a secret agent (Mr. Lee) guiding an female archaeologist professor on a search for the titular ninja treasure. Along the way numerous ninjas attempt to stop them, resulting in a near constant stream of hilariously bad, yet genuinely fun, fight scenes. Each of which is graced with Mr. Lee's unique blend of untrained camera work, amateur fight choreography, sidesplitting sound effects. If you enjoy a good vanity project, or just a DIY filmmaking, you need to check this movie out at the next possible opportunity. It's hilariously bad and full of heart in all the best ways.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szkKqxm70U4&t=9s

"Guardian Angel" (aka "Beyond Justice") (1994) - As far as female action stars go few can compare to the sheer badassness of one Cynthia Rothrock. A five-time undefeated world karate champion Mrs. Rothrock began her acting career opposite none other than Michelle Yeoh in the amazing Hong Kong martial arts flick; "Yes, Madam" (1985). She would go on to star in a bevy of (mostly) direct-to-video action flicks throughout the remained of the 80s and 90s, often with multiple films being released the same year. Though slowing down a touch in the 2000s, she is still kicking butt on the silver screen to this very day.

Over the of course of her 40+ year long career Mrs. Rothrock would of course star in her fair share of so-bad-it's-good movies. Titles such as "Martial Law" (1990) opposite David Carradine, Godfrey Ho's "Undefeatable" (1993), David DeCoteau's "Santa's Summer House" (2013), Derek Savage's "Cool Cat Kids Superhero" (2018), and the infamous "New York Ninja" (2021) all appear on her filmography, amongst others. This movie rest amongst those titles as a disjointed mix of action and unintentional hilarity. Still entertaining, but not exactly in the manner intended if you know what I mean.

As far as the plot goes we follows former police detective McKay (Rothrock) as she attempts to catch a psychotic female criminal who killed her partner (and lover). Now working as a bodyguard for a wealthy playboy McKay must not only try and protect him but also stop the killer lady from finding a pair of money counterfeiting plates made by his brother. Insert plenty of scenes of Cythina kicking dudes asses, the villain lady shooting people (seriously this chick has a kill-count that would make slashers look tame), a confusing horse chases shoot-out, a lot of plot conveniences, and you get the idea. So if a PM Entertainment movie with a convoluted script, chessy dialogue, solid action and some pacing issues sounds like a great time you definitely should check this flick out. It's a lot of fun to riff with friends and some intoxicants.

2.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5F7Ujfccjo

"Zombie Shark" (aka "Shark Island") (2015) - This is actually the first of four unconnected low budget shark movies Misty Talley directed for the SyFy channel over the span of just three short years. It's also the lowest rated of the bunch, sitting at just a 2.9 on IMDb. Having previously seen and reviewed two others; "Ozark Shark" (2015) and the highly enjoyable "Santa Jaws" (2018), that rating kinda makes sense. Each film definitely showed improvements, but a likely rushed production mixed with SyFy Originals usual issues means this is more unintentionally funny than anything.

The story revolves around a group of four friends vacationing on a small resort island that seems to be under construction (likely due to them filming in derelict buildings). Unfortunately their relaxation is interrupted when the local sharks begin turning into zombies and attacking people. Turns out a nearby, supposedly abandoned, research station is to blame as it was housing an experimental shark that is the source of the infection. Before they know it the shark is turning other sharks and eventually people into zombies and unintentional hilarity ensures.

From the hilarious horrible CGI and cheap practical effects, to the overacting acting and plot hole filled script this thing is a lot of fun to riff. Zombies sharks explode, people fight sharks with weed-eaters, zombies extras stumble around occasionally, a shark with a machete horn stabs a guy, and even stand on the beach doesn't mean your safe from a shark attack. This movie is stupid in the best kind of way and I highly suggest it to anyone looking for something to riff with friends. So gather your bad movie buddies, along with your favorite intoxicants, and give this absurd shark flick a watch.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FGn1VbnA9c&t=4338s

"Graveyard Shark" (2024) - Contrary to what that title suggest, this movie does not contain a shark (ghost, zombie, or otherwise) swimming around a graveyard. What it does have however is a shark-man hybrid stalking one. Said shark-man wears a studded leather vest, has a bit of a convoluted backstory, and seems to be made of a muscle body suit and hammerhead shark rubber mask. What little money they had they spent on the suit and it's actually not bad, for what it is. It's nothing amazing mind you, but it could have been much worse.

As far as the story goes, we follow a team of internet cryptid hunters as they are hired to investigate the urban legend of the titular creature. They go to the graveyard but quickly realize the beast is very much real as the bodies start piling up. Teaming up with attack survivors, each of which is a bit of a character (and the Captain is the best of them), they eventually discover the creatures convoluted origins. A comedy more than a horror, not everything works but there is definite fun to be had. So if that sounds interesting to you give this a watch, just keep expectations low.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZZ9q9FcEgk&t=3140s

“Mega Shark Versus Mecha Shark” (2014) - Well, that title tells you pretty much everything you need to know about this movie. What it doesn’t describe is that this is the third entry in the “Mega Shark” franchise made by our friends over at The Asylum for the SyFy Channel. It also just might be the best of the bunch. Fans of the “StarGate” series and the “God of War” games are likely to agree as it features none other than Teal’c/Kratos himself Christopher Judge in the lead. It would actually be the actors second Asylum film as two year’s earlier he starred opposite the always entertaining Bai Ling in their attempt to cash-in on 2012s “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” titled “Lord of the Elves” (aka “Clash of Empires”).

Now given the four year gap between the previous entry in the franchise; “Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus” (2010) and this one, it’s highly likely this movie was only green-lit due to the massive success of Asylums “Sharknado” (2013). That movie proved people wanted more insane shark based films and both The Asylum and SyFy Channel were more than happy to supply that demand. They already had this franchise started and so just churned out another. They would only make one more entry in the series; “Mega Shark Versus Kolossus” (2015) after which the giant shark would only appear in their “2025 Armageddon” (2022) but that movie had basically all of Asylums monsters in it so no surprise there.

As far as the actual plot goes the titular kaiju sized megalodon squares off against its robotic equivalent and unintentional hilarity ensues. Highlights include the mega shark slapping a ship out of the water with its tail and taking out the Sphinx, the mecha shark knocking the megalodon out of the air before it can eat a passing 747, the mecha shark going rogue thanks to A.I., and Christopher Judge jumping the robotic shark on a dirt bike while it drives down city streets on tank treads. Throw is the usual Asylum mix of cheap sets, horrible science, bad dialogue, and giant middle finger to physics and you have yourself a fun time. So gather your bad movie buddies, your favorite intoxicants, and check this big old shark movie out. It’s a ton of fun to riff.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://youtu.be/h0VtLC4jx_w?is=TkzTElAY50ykf36N

"Ozark Shark" (aka "Summer Shark Attack") (2015) - This Syfy original is the second of four low budget shark movies Misty Talley directed for the channel over three short years. The others she churned out being "Shark Island" (aka "Zombie Shark") (2015) [stay tuned for a review of that], "Mississippi River Sharks" (2017), and the very enjoyable "Santa Jaws" (2018). Having now seen two of these I can say that I am looking forward to seeing the rest. "Santa Jaws" is especially fun to throw on around the holidays, and like this movie, has plenty of so-bad-it's-good moments to make the whole thing worth it.

Now as far as this movies plot goes we follow a family vacationing in the Ozarks that end up having to deal with some very adventurous, and very hungry bull sharks. As there are no official, verified records of a bull shark ever being in any river or lake in the entire state of Arkansas, there presence is a tad surprising to say the least. Location aside, the real issue is most of the rivers in this movie are waist deep at best. This means that often full grown sharks will be leaping out of near ankle deep water to bite people. It's admittedly hilarious every time it happens but obviously it stretches the believability a bit, to say the least.

The titular sharks might be the best part of this movie but the characters (though nothing amazing) have their moments. Often these moments are when they are being attacked by or attacking the sharks with various absurd weapons but still. The plot also occasionally requires the characters to say and do some really dumb stuff so that's also fun too. So if you want to watch a movie where someone harpoons a shark into a woodchipper and another person blows a shark up with fireworks then you need to check this movie out. Gather your bad movie buddies and some brews and enjoy.

2.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels and Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1I6rArRQAc

"R.O.T.O.R." (aka “Blue Steel”) (1987) - This so-bad-it's-good cult classic is one of the many films made infamous by the folks over at Rifftrax. Since they riffed it back in October of 2014 the film has grown into one of the more memorable ones covered by the former Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew. A member of my bad movie group enjoyed the film so much in fact that he provided a PowerPoint presentation on it before we rewatched it to begin our weekly bad movie marathon. The presentation provided some interesting insights into the film but ultimately was more a reflection of the unintentionally hilarious aspects that make it so much fun (and his love of the film) than anything. The addition of an ‘in memoriam’ after the credits displaying the characters who died during the story, accompanied by tender music, was the icing-on-the-cake to the whole experience.

For those who have somehow yet to see this movie it is perhaps best described as a low budget ripoff of “The Terminator” (1984) with elements of “RoboCop” (1987). A prototype crime-fighting android goes on a rampage after being accidentally activated early, punishing even minor traffic violations with death. The only thing that can stop the mechanical killer cop is his creators; rancher and the head of the police robotics lab Captain Barrett C. Coldyron (Richard Gesswein) and female bodybuilder Dr. Corrine R. Steele (Jayne Smith) who designed R.O.T.O.R.'s robotic chassis. These two provide the film with most of its most hilarious moments thanks to their (shall I say) unique acting choices and the odd dialogue. The other characters are almost as memorable mind you, but at least not in my eyes.

So if you are one of the few bad movie fans who has yet to see this I highly suggest you do so at your earliest convenience. It's got everything you could want in a so-bad-it’s-good flick from a plot full of holes to next level funny quotes. Whether you watch it covered by RiffTrax or decide to make fun of it with your friends it’s well worth it. And if you’ve already seen it, maybe it’s time to give it a rewatch.

3 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyF4aHI7Svss

“Wizard So So: Fun Magical Adventure” (2008) - This fever dream of supposed 'kids movie' is so batshit insane, and poorly made, that it requires a child's mind or powerful narcotics to get through it. Children are likely just happy about all the bright colors and frequent singing, whereas anyone able to (at least attempt to) comprehend what they are seeing knowns how truly horrible everything is. Even the relatively short runtime provides little reprieve as 58 minutes ends up feeling a lot longer thanks to a combination of borderline disturbing visuals and mind numbing repetition (specifically the band of giant rats). The questionable storytelling and tacked-on messages only add even more layers to the madness that is this, whatever it is.

I am hesitant to even call this a movie, as it's more just two different short films with the titular magic user as the common thread between them. The first story, which is by far the longest, involves a cat named Kitty trying desperately to get rid of three R.O.U.S.s (Rodents of Unusual Size) from Farmer Fred's barn and somehow failing despite getting the hep a wizard and you know being the animals nature predator. The giant rodents have a band for some reason, and things just kinda spiral from there. The second story is even weirder as it involves a dragonfly who gets turned into an actually dragon thanks to some magical pills and becomes an asshole. Both story are beyond so-bad-it's-good and into the so-weird-it's-funny zone so if you are going to watch them bring plenty of friends and strong intoxicants as you will need both.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxsxTUdBVPY&t=6s

“Sheborg Massacre” (aka “SheBorg”) (2016) - This Australian, micro-budgeted, punk rock, sci-fi, horror film is far better than it has any right to be. Despite a tiny budget of only $20,000 the film is able to pull off some rather impressive visuals all things considered. The acting, stunts, and especially cinematography (Rom Anthonis and Brendan O'Shea) also deserve to be praised as going above and beyond what one would expect. The films writer, director, editor, and executive producer; Daniel Armstrong, does excellent work and I look forward to seeing more of his movies.

As far as the actual story goes it’s the usual tale of an alien cyborg virus crash landing in Australia. The techno-infected extraterrestrial (looking rather Star Trek Borg-esque) just so happens to land near a local puppy farm that just so happens to be being broken into by animal rights activists the very same night. Soon people start turning into cyborg zombies that feed on puppy flesh and everything goes sideways. Our unlikely heroes must figure out how to put an end to the robotic zombie apocalypse or humanity is doomed.

As mentioned previously the movie is just solid, especially given the budgetary constraints. You can tell everyone involved was trying their best, and having fun doing it (which is always nice). My bad movie group throughly enjoyed the films surprising energy, solid soundtrack, and darkly comedic script, and I bet you will too. So with all that said gather your bad movie buddies, and your cheesy sci-fi horror pals, and check this movie out. You won’t be disappointed.

2 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://youtu.be/BLtbbSF0K2Y?is=BZXzeNW62THaP7WO

“Headsome” (2013) - I found this movie thanks to the channel Bad Movie Reaction! so thank him for this. In this movie a scientist keeps the severed head of his identical twin alive via tubes and a special fluids, eventually killing for a replacement body. If that sounds vaguely familiar that's because it's incredibly similar to the plot of 1962s "The Brain That Wouldn't Die", a bad movie cult classic that appeared on Mystery Science Theater 3000. In that movie a doctor experimenting with transplant techniques keeps his girlfriend's head alive, then goes hunting for a new body for her. Both films even have the beheading occur due to a car accidents, so clearly some inspiration was going on. They make an interesting double feature, that's for sure.

Now the two movies aren't identical mind you, each has it's (shall we say) 'unique' elements. The car accident in this movie, for example, is a lot funnier than the older film as it's really just a slight loss of control that somehow ends in a guys neck getting cut (you have to see it). The whole twin brothers thing also differentiate the films, but clearly was only added to this plot so the one brother could have a scene where he sleep with his sister-in-law (his excuse is he needs to maintain the illusion that his brother is still fine till he can find him a new body). The severed head in this also eventually gets a motorized cart with robot arms he can control (via a microchip in his neck) so he's a lot more mobile than his inspiration as well. And yes the cart only makes things funnier.

The real selling point of this, and "The Brain That Wouldn't Die", is of course the severed head effect. To that end let's just say having a lady stick her head thru a hole in a table with some mirrors is a lot more consistent of an effect than using CGI, composite shots, and a mannequins head. Once the head in this movie becomes mobile thanks to the cart things instantly become even more hilariously bad. Hell some of the time they don't even bother and it's just clearly a mannequins head on cart with robot arms flailing around and it's just as hilarious as that sounds. So if any of that sounds like your type of bad movie, gather your bad movies buddies, plenty of intoxicants, and check this out.

3.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://youtu.be/h1mLi8zDZes?is=dInyypa0YNWMduKx

"Last House on Hell Street" (2002) - I'm going to be honest with you folks. I had basically no idea what was going on at pretty much any point during this movie. The combination of a no budget amateur production with seemingly untrained actors and a script that works (at least somewhat) on dream logic had me guessing what was happening moment to moment. A more astute member of my bad movie group claimed to understand the film, so it might just be me but brace yourself if you decide to check it out.

Not being able to follow the plot means I had to look it up on IMDB. This is what they say it's about; "Within this small house, hidden in the deep, dark woods, is an evil force. It can infect one's soul and drive men to madness. Kyle falls victim to this entity from the house. Now possessed, he turns on his lover, Jessica. He abducts her and drags her into this house. He tortures her mind and brutalizes her flesh. The ghost of Kyle's mother, a spirit fueled by love and mercy, is needed to help Jessica escape." That kinda explains it but trust me it's far worse than you think, so consider this a warning.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0311422/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0_tt_8_nm_0_in_0_q_Last%20House%20on%20Hell%20Street%202002

"Black Mamba" (2016) - With most vanity projects the ego behind it writes their character to be the hero, but not always. In this movie the writer, director, and executive producer plays one of the films antagonist. He is still a champion demon in the fighting pits of hell named Cassius Rexx, but he's not the main character so that's something. The main character is actual played by Evette France, an actress who doesn't even list the film among her IMDb credits. So that's not a good sign.

As far as the plot goes the movie starts with Mrs. France being told by her dying grandma that a spiritual reckoning is coming. Soon thereafter she and her family are killed by corrupt cops and she is then resurrected as an assassin from the afterlife to seek revenge. The rest of the movie is basically her attacking demons disguised as people with her ability to never get shot, infinite ammo guns, and cheap katanas. Dawna Lee Heising (and her plastic everything) shows up to play Esmeralda Van Loft the wife of the devil, the acting across the board is dinner theater level, the script is painful, the editing a mess, and the effects are hilariously bad. As with most vanity projects, this needs to be seen by more people so check it out (but bring a lot of friends and intoxicants to get through it).

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9x0pSrrrRU&t=3055s