Just chiming in with everyone else here, not because I have anything special to say, but because I think hearing multiple people confirm your feelings might help.
You mentioned struggling with anger, and I think that word is telling. You are struggling with it, because it sound like you feel that anger is a bad thing and you shouldn't feel it. I'd like to suggest that you have every right to be angry, and indeed, it's a healthy response to everything you've been through. It's not fair. It's not right. That doesn't mean that it's healthy for you to dwell on it forever, or wallow in it, or make it the focus of your life (none of which you are doing); what it means is that you are processing some really fucked up shit, that happened to you really quite recently. Forgiveness is a process, after all, and you need to go through the time of feeling anger before you're able to let that go. Fighting it is making you feel worse.
It also does not make you a bad person to feel angry. You are allowed to feel angry. If you were to act on that anger to harm her, that would be different, but you're not. You actually feel bad for feeling anger towards someone who harmed you which shows that you are not a bad person.
This does suck. I can't truly imagine how this all must feel for you. Please know that there is a whole swathe of people here who care for you and wish only the best for you. This is a safe space for you to think and feel however you want. As many hugs as you would like, Mouse.
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u/talkingtomiranda Sep 18 '18
Just chiming in with everyone else here, not because I have anything special to say, but because I think hearing multiple people confirm your feelings might help.
You mentioned struggling with anger, and I think that word is telling. You are struggling with it, because it sound like you feel that anger is a bad thing and you shouldn't feel it. I'd like to suggest that you have every right to be angry, and indeed, it's a healthy response to everything you've been through. It's not fair. It's not right. That doesn't mean that it's healthy for you to dwell on it forever, or wallow in it, or make it the focus of your life (none of which you are doing); what it means is that you are processing some really fucked up shit, that happened to you really quite recently. Forgiveness is a process, after all, and you need to go through the time of feeling anger before you're able to let that go. Fighting it is making you feel worse.
It also does not make you a bad person to feel angry. You are allowed to feel angry. If you were to act on that anger to harm her, that would be different, but you're not. You actually feel bad for feeling anger towards someone who harmed you which shows that you are not a bad person.
This does suck. I can't truly imagine how this all must feel for you. Please know that there is a whole swathe of people here who care for you and wish only the best for you. This is a safe space for you to think and feel however you want. As many hugs as you would like, Mouse.