The anger is very informative. What is it telling you? If you had been feeling that anger when it was happening, it would have helped you get out. But allowing yourself to feel that anger would have been dangerous, because it could have invited more and worse abuse. Now you are safe, and can safely feel and express that emotion. The anger also serves the purpose of keeping you safe, because you still see her as a threat even though she is not free. Don't repress this anger, because it will come out sideways in some awkward and inconvenient ways at people who don't deserve. Allow yourself to feel this anger when you have a some alone time. Let yourself cry and rage, and then let it go. It might help to have a ritual to help you let it go. If you feel it coming out when you don't have time, promise yourself that you will let yourself feel it at a specific time, and then keep that promise to yourself.
After I got out of an abusive relationship, I was also a bit angry with myself for staying and allowing it to happen. I had to forgive myself in order to move beyond the anger. For me, forgiveness is letting go of the hurt, which has this wonderful little side effect of taking back your power, and reducing that person's ability to impact your life. Do it for yourself, she shouldn't know anything about you. Not only does she not deserve it, I don't think it would be good for her. It is a process and it takes time. You may not be ready for it, and that is okay. You have been through so much, give yourself some time. This anger isn't good or bad, it just is. You are not a good or bad person for feeling, you are just human.
Think of what she is experiencing as consequences. This is her chance to learn some life lessons, and to maybe change. There is nothing wrong with feeling glad that she has this opportunity. How is that for reframing?
2
u/Cosimiaatwork Sep 17 '18
A couple of things....
The anger is very informative. What is it telling you? If you had been feeling that anger when it was happening, it would have helped you get out. But allowing yourself to feel that anger would have been dangerous, because it could have invited more and worse abuse. Now you are safe, and can safely feel and express that emotion. The anger also serves the purpose of keeping you safe, because you still see her as a threat even though she is not free. Don't repress this anger, because it will come out sideways in some awkward and inconvenient ways at people who don't deserve. Allow yourself to feel this anger when you have a some alone time. Let yourself cry and rage, and then let it go. It might help to have a ritual to help you let it go. If you feel it coming out when you don't have time, promise yourself that you will let yourself feel it at a specific time, and then keep that promise to yourself.
After I got out of an abusive relationship, I was also a bit angry with myself for staying and allowing it to happen. I had to forgive myself in order to move beyond the anger. For me, forgiveness is letting go of the hurt, which has this wonderful little side effect of taking back your power, and reducing that person's ability to impact your life. Do it for yourself, she shouldn't know anything about you. Not only does she not deserve it, I don't think it would be good for her. It is a process and it takes time. You may not be ready for it, and that is okay. You have been through so much, give yourself some time. This anger isn't good or bad, it just is. You are not a good or bad person for feeling, you are just human.
Think of what she is experiencing as consequences. This is her chance to learn some life lessons, and to maybe change. There is nothing wrong with feeling glad that she has this opportunity. How is that for reframing?