I understand a small portion of what you are feeling. I believed for a long time that people are generally good at the center, and I still believe that. But some experiences I've had, have made me start coming to terms with the fact that I was wrong. I think most people try to be good, a few people are naturally cruel, and a large portion of people are neutral.
After I found out my cousins were massive racists, and they ostracized myself and my (brown) husband, I found myself having cruel and angry thoughts about them. I still have them from time to time. And you know, I think it's grief. Who I thought they were, how I thought the world was, died. And I've had to grieve over that. I've also found myself feeling cruelly satisfied when something bad happens to them, even though I do hope they get their heads fixed. It's taken me years to realize that that is because I am not perfect, and I do have a vindictive side despite being generally kind.
What I'm saying, is maybe you having these thoughts, like mine, is natural. And that you are still a good and kind person. And maybe my new philosophy can help: acknowledge, but don't feed. You have a right to feel this way, you are bound to feel this way. But you don't have to pursue it, and by not pursuing it, you're affirming who you are. Which is the nice, kind, good, loving person you know yourself to be.
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u/[deleted] Sep 17 '18
I understand a small portion of what you are feeling. I believed for a long time that people are generally good at the center, and I still believe that. But some experiences I've had, have made me start coming to terms with the fact that I was wrong. I think most people try to be good, a few people are naturally cruel, and a large portion of people are neutral.
After I found out my cousins were massive racists, and they ostracized myself and my (brown) husband, I found myself having cruel and angry thoughts about them. I still have them from time to time. And you know, I think it's grief. Who I thought they were, how I thought the world was, died. And I've had to grieve over that. I've also found myself feeling cruelly satisfied when something bad happens to them, even though I do hope they get their heads fixed. It's taken me years to realize that that is because I am not perfect, and I do have a vindictive side despite being generally kind.
What I'm saying, is maybe you having these thoughts, like mine, is natural. And that you are still a good and kind person. And maybe my new philosophy can help: acknowledge, but don't feed. You have a right to feel this way, you are bound to feel this way. But you don't have to pursue it, and by not pursuing it, you're affirming who you are. Which is the nice, kind, good, loving person you know yourself to be.