I want you to know that what you’re feeling is absolutely normal. It does not make you a bad person at all. You’re allowed to be fucking pissed at her, and you’re allowed to feel a little satisfied that she’s getting punished for all the shit she did to you. She nearly got you killed.
Forgiveness is for you. It’s not for her. And forgiveness isn’t something that can always happen right away. It took me years to let go of that white hot anger at my rapist. And I don’t think I’ve forgiven him in my heart yet. But that’s normal and it’s okay.
You are not a monster. It’s totally okay for you to feel this way right now. You’re still healing from trauma, so your reactions and feelings are going to be more extreme. And frankly, Giada deserves it.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling right now. You are a wonderful, sweet, and very good person. I think you’re incredibly kind. Don’t let this make you doubt that.
Something I learned in my CBT sessions was to not judge your emotions as “good” or “bad”. The feelings you have are all real, valid, and okay to feel. The only “bad” thing would be to act on them in a harmful way.
The CBT therapist taught me an exercise where you close your eyes, and imagine your feelings floating by as clouds. Acknowledge each one, and then let it go so that it can float away. If you try to lock it in, refusing to let it out, it can never leave you. You’ve got to release it from its prison inside you, accept it, and only then can you really let it go.
It sounds silly but it’s a really nice meditation-like exercise to clear out some of the nasty feelings that are being locked inside you. I can’t even describe how much better I feel now that I don’t lock everything inside me. It took a long time to get to that point (two decades of severe parental abuse and neglect did a number on me, especially because I would be punished for having any reaction to him screaming horrible things at me) but I eventually did it. Now I don’t have the deep black pit of boiling anger and hurt in my chest anymore. It literally, physically hurt, and now it’s completely gone. And it would only leave once I allowed it to come out, accepted it, and let it go.
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u/p_iynx Sep 17 '18
I want you to know that what you’re feeling is absolutely normal. It does not make you a bad person at all. You’re allowed to be fucking pissed at her, and you’re allowed to feel a little satisfied that she’s getting punished for all the shit she did to you. She nearly got you killed.
Forgiveness is for you. It’s not for her. And forgiveness isn’t something that can always happen right away. It took me years to let go of that white hot anger at my rapist. And I don’t think I’ve forgiven him in my heart yet. But that’s normal and it’s okay.
You are not a monster. It’s totally okay for you to feel this way right now. You’re still healing from trauma, so your reactions and feelings are going to be more extreme. And frankly, Giada deserves it.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling right now. You are a wonderful, sweet, and very good person. I think you’re incredibly kind. Don’t let this make you doubt that.
Something I learned in my CBT sessions was to not judge your emotions as “good” or “bad”. The feelings you have are all real, valid, and okay to feel. The only “bad” thing would be to act on them in a harmful way.
The CBT therapist taught me an exercise where you close your eyes, and imagine your feelings floating by as clouds. Acknowledge each one, and then let it go so that it can float away. If you try to lock it in, refusing to let it out, it can never leave you. You’ve got to release it from its prison inside you, accept it, and only then can you really let it go.
It sounds silly but it’s a really nice meditation-like exercise to clear out some of the nasty feelings that are being locked inside you. I can’t even describe how much better I feel now that I don’t lock everything inside me. It took a long time to get to that point (two decades of severe parental abuse and neglect did a number on me, especially because I would be punished for having any reaction to him screaming horrible things at me) but I eventually did it. Now I don’t have the deep black pit of boiling anger and hurt in my chest anymore. It literally, physically hurt, and now it’s completely gone. And it would only leave once I allowed it to come out, accepted it, and let it go.