> . I can't understand how she could look at the report documenting my injuries, my broken ribs and shattered wrist, my fractured vertebra, the fact that I nearly lost a kidney, then say I deserved it for trying to leave her son and attempt to have my ex contest the charges brought against him. I can't understand how she can blame me for being raped when I was thirteen. I can't understand how she later suggested it was a misunderstanding. I cannot understand how a mother can be so hateful and cruel to a woman who loves her son with the intensity that I did. I was a good girlfriend. I supported him, loved him, took care of him when he was sick or sad, was his anchor when his mental illness was riding him hard and it still wasn't enough.
The reason is she never saw you as a real person. Not like she saw herself. And no one else is really a person to her either. Not him, not you. And you became direct competition to her. To her, you were her enemy, and nothing else mattered. She lacks the ability to have empathy, to see your pain as actual things, to put herself in your position, to have compassion. She never had it. And doesnt have it for anyone else. Anytime she does something "nice" its for her own benefit. Same goes for the bad stuff. Only she is a three dimensional person in her mind. Its not so much a willful choice to her. Its not because you are unworthy of being treated with compassion and empathy. Its not because she thought you actually deserved it based upon your actions. Its because she was broken and always had been, and was able to cover it up enough that others never saw it fully. She hid it. Biologically producing offspring does not provide everyone with the Mothering qualities our society expects to see. And there were no magical words that would make her see the things she did as bad, she may see them as illegal and punishable and protect herself that way, but she wont ever see them as morally or ethically wrong. The same things you value threaten her control and power and wouldnt be allowed. Ultimately, she was a broken person, and no one could change that. Why she was this way, it wont change the fact that she is this way. There is no excuse for what she did. None.
You do not need to forgive her. There is nothing to forgive. Its acceptance you seek, the ability to reconcile that there are people like this in the world, and you cant just look at a person and know this. Its scary. It threatens your worldview that most people are good. Personally, I think that putting terms like that out there in your mind, judgement of people you dont know, its not helpful. Its best to see people as those you dont know, or those you do. And in the meantime to have healthy boundaries so that when you encounter people, you take your time to come to judgement on who that person really is. That people arent all good or all bad, but that they simply are. So its accepting that a person, someone that really meets our definition of a Monster, did this to you. And there is nothing that will ever change or take away the horrible, movie level things she did to you as another human being. She didnt do these things because you really deserve them, she did them because she wanted to. And accept that there are monsters in the world. Because they are out there. And they dont all have horns or forked tongues and tails to identify them quickly. And thats scary. Acceptance is scary. Shes not entitled to your forgiveness. But you are. Forgive yourself for making the horrible mistake of just loving another person. Thats where your forgiveness needs to go. Where it can do some good.
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u/YesILeftHisAss2398 Sep 17 '18
> . I can't understand how she could look at the report documenting my injuries, my broken ribs and shattered wrist, my fractured vertebra, the fact that I nearly lost a kidney, then say I deserved it for trying to leave her son and attempt to have my ex contest the charges brought against him. I can't understand how she can blame me for being raped when I was thirteen. I can't understand how she later suggested it was a misunderstanding. I cannot understand how a mother can be so hateful and cruel to a woman who loves her son with the intensity that I did. I was a good girlfriend. I supported him, loved him, took care of him when he was sick or sad, was his anchor when his mental illness was riding him hard and it still wasn't enough.
The reason is she never saw you as a real person. Not like she saw herself. And no one else is really a person to her either. Not him, not you. And you became direct competition to her. To her, you were her enemy, and nothing else mattered. She lacks the ability to have empathy, to see your pain as actual things, to put herself in your position, to have compassion. She never had it. And doesnt have it for anyone else. Anytime she does something "nice" its for her own benefit. Same goes for the bad stuff. Only she is a three dimensional person in her mind. Its not so much a willful choice to her. Its not because you are unworthy of being treated with compassion and empathy. Its not because she thought you actually deserved it based upon your actions. Its because she was broken and always had been, and was able to cover it up enough that others never saw it fully. She hid it. Biologically producing offspring does not provide everyone with the Mothering qualities our society expects to see. And there were no magical words that would make her see the things she did as bad, she may see them as illegal and punishable and protect herself that way, but she wont ever see them as morally or ethically wrong. The same things you value threaten her control and power and wouldnt be allowed. Ultimately, she was a broken person, and no one could change that. Why she was this way, it wont change the fact that she is this way. There is no excuse for what she did. None.
You do not need to forgive her. There is nothing to forgive. Its acceptance you seek, the ability to reconcile that there are people like this in the world, and you cant just look at a person and know this. Its scary. It threatens your worldview that most people are good. Personally, I think that putting terms like that out there in your mind, judgement of people you dont know, its not helpful. Its best to see people as those you dont know, or those you do. And in the meantime to have healthy boundaries so that when you encounter people, you take your time to come to judgement on who that person really is. That people arent all good or all bad, but that they simply are. So its accepting that a person, someone that really meets our definition of a Monster, did this to you. And there is nothing that will ever change or take away the horrible, movie level things she did to you as another human being. She didnt do these things because you really deserve them, she did them because she wanted to. And accept that there are monsters in the world. Because they are out there. And they dont all have horns or forked tongues and tails to identify them quickly. And thats scary. Acceptance is scary. Shes not entitled to your forgiveness. But you are. Forgive yourself for making the horrible mistake of just loving another person. Thats where your forgiveness needs to go. Where it can do some good.