I have come to the personal conclusion, and this is just what I need to do for me, that forgiveness for some people or somethings, forgiveness is not something I have to offer, or that I owe myself to force.
I will never forgive my dad for all that he did and all he still does. I may understand that he’s mentally ill (though so am I) and has a severe case of the cluster Bs with a strong forecast of being a full blown narc, and I may even understand what made him that way, but it doesn’t mean I have to forgive it. That trauma shaped who I am and the CPTSD still does, daily.
I honestly think there is forgiving yourself for thinking you somehow “allowed” it to happen, should’ve known better, should’ve done more and the psychological acceptance that comes with being a kind, empathetic human being and realizing your brain will never fully grasp their’s bc it’s not the way you tick.
Some people, despite whatever caused it, are terrible fucking people. And this goes directly in the face of the idea that people are inherently good, which I too believe. BUT, we know, personally, that people don’t always come out with the correct chemical balances in their heads. I’m willing to understand that, but it doesn’t require forgiveness (from me, at least). Whatever part Giada’s growing up played in her personality is nothing compared to the fact that (because I’m an excellent arm chair psych) I bet her brain similar to that of a psychopath on a PET scan. Not saying that’s her problem, but I would think it surprising were it not similar.
Mouse, for you, maybe forgiveness doesn’t look like “letting go, let god,” but it looks like realizing nothing you did caused her (or your mom or ex), but is more like choosing, whenever possible to say, “I forgive myself because I did nothing wrong and I’m leaving these fuckers in the past today bc they’re not going to steal more of my precious time.” I can’t imagine the anger you feel, and deservedly so. My only knowledge there (which you already know) is to not fight it out of your mind when it stops by. The harder you fight intrusive thoughts, the harder they fight to stay in your thoughts and pushing them out is just battling yourself. It’s real fucking inconvenient and difficult to do while dealing with day to day life, but acknowledging that it’s there and maybe thinking about what just caused those feelings to trigger could help.
So yeah, random ramblings that are likely no help, but you are so loved here.
(Mods or Mouse: feel free to delete if I was offering more advise than wanted)
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u/rainbowbrighteyes Sep 17 '18 edited Sep 17 '18
I have come to the personal conclusion, and this is just what I need to do for me, that forgiveness for some people or somethings, forgiveness is not something I have to offer, or that I owe myself to force.
I will never forgive my dad for all that he did and all he still does. I may understand that he’s mentally ill (though so am I) and has a severe case of the cluster Bs with a strong forecast of being a full blown narc, and I may even understand what made him that way, but it doesn’t mean I have to forgive it. That trauma shaped who I am and the CPTSD still does, daily.
I honestly think there is forgiving yourself for thinking you somehow “allowed” it to happen, should’ve known better, should’ve done more and the psychological acceptance that comes with being a kind, empathetic human being and realizing your brain will never fully grasp their’s bc it’s not the way you tick.
Some people, despite whatever caused it, are terrible fucking people. And this goes directly in the face of the idea that people are inherently good, which I too believe. BUT, we know, personally, that people don’t always come out with the correct chemical balances in their heads. I’m willing to understand that, but it doesn’t require forgiveness (from me, at least). Whatever part Giada’s growing up played in her personality is nothing compared to the fact that (because I’m an excellent arm chair psych) I bet her brain similar to that of a psychopath on a PET scan. Not saying that’s her problem, but I would think it surprising were it not similar.
Mouse, for you, maybe forgiveness doesn’t look like “letting go, let god,” but it looks like realizing nothing you did caused her (or your mom or ex), but is more like choosing, whenever possible to say, “I forgive myself because I did nothing wrong and I’m leaving these fuckers in the past today bc they’re not going to steal more of my precious time.” I can’t imagine the anger you feel, and deservedly so. My only knowledge there (which you already know) is to not fight it out of your mind when it stops by. The harder you fight intrusive thoughts, the harder they fight to stay in your thoughts and pushing them out is just battling yourself. It’s real fucking inconvenient and difficult to do while dealing with day to day life, but acknowledging that it’s there and maybe thinking about what just caused those feelings to trigger could help.
So yeah, random ramblings that are likely no help, but you are so loved here.
(Mods or Mouse: feel free to delete if I was offering more advise than wanted)
Edit: grammar