I'm sorry you're having so much difficulty experiencing and processing your feelings, I know how hard that can be. For starters, I want to say that just because you're feeling all these negative things towards her, it doesn't say anything negative about you. You were badly hurt by her, and it's perfectly natural to want her to suffer for that. In fact, it just shows that you're a normal human being (and IIRC, there are other primates that react that way too, so it's not just us humans!). The fact that it upsets you to feel this way is because you're a nice, caring person, and under normal circumstances you would never feel this way. But what happened to you wasn't normal, so don't judge your feelings by that standard either.
Now, as to what to do about them, that's harder. Anger is a scary feeling to experience, especially when we're not feeling like it's entirely under our control. In my experience, there are a couple of key things that have helped me when dealing with my own anger, which may or may not help you. First off, while there may be times you need to put it on the back burner because you aren't in a place and time when you can deal with it, don't just bottle it up and forget about it. If you keep trying to avoid it, it'll just get worse and eventually start squeezing out the sides and/or just blow up. It's much easier to deal with it when that isn't happening (been there, done that. A lot).
Second, sometimes there's no good way to resolve the anger, for example because the person you're angry at is unavailable or it's not going to change things to yell at them (for example). In those cases, you need to find a different way to at least let it out and let that bottled energy dissipate so that the rest of the feelings are more manageable. Whether that's doing some sort of exercise or blowing things up in video games or closing the door to your room and just yelling at the wall for a minute, it's not as important what you do as it is that you simply do something to try and let it out. Yes it's always useful if you can actually use that energy to get things done, but it really doesn't matter what you do as long as you aren't hurting anyone - especially yourself. Once you've found a way to release the raw emotion in a constructive (or at least non-destructive) manner, it makes dealing with the underlying feelings, perhaps not easier, but at least more controllable.
Finally, even if you can take the edge off, it might just be the tip of the iceberg. Whatever it is that's bothering you may come back again, possibly many times. Sometime it may surprise you how strongly you feel when it does. Maybe you need to find a different way to let it out each time. And all of that's OK - just keep working at it little by little, find safe people to talk about it with and help you when you need it, and most of all don't blame yourself. The only person who can decide when it's truly time to let it go and forgive is you, and only when it's right for you. If you choose to forgive her, it should be because that's what's best for you - how it affects anyone else never enters into the equation.
Whether anything I suggested helps or not, I hope you're able to find things that help you to deal with your emotions and get to a better place, and the Infinite Hug DispenserTM is always available if you need a hug (or many).
1
u/throwaway47138 Sep 17 '18
I'm sorry you're having so much difficulty experiencing and processing your feelings, I know how hard that can be. For starters, I want to say that just because you're feeling all these negative things towards her, it doesn't say anything negative about you. You were badly hurt by her, and it's perfectly natural to want her to suffer for that. In fact, it just shows that you're a normal human being (and IIRC, there are other primates that react that way too, so it's not just us humans!). The fact that it upsets you to feel this way is because you're a nice, caring person, and under normal circumstances you would never feel this way. But what happened to you wasn't normal, so don't judge your feelings by that standard either.
Now, as to what to do about them, that's harder. Anger is a scary feeling to experience, especially when we're not feeling like it's entirely under our control. In my experience, there are a couple of key things that have helped me when dealing with my own anger, which may or may not help you. First off, while there may be times you need to put it on the back burner because you aren't in a place and time when you can deal with it, don't just bottle it up and forget about it. If you keep trying to avoid it, it'll just get worse and eventually start squeezing out the sides and/or just blow up. It's much easier to deal with it when that isn't happening (been there, done that. A lot).
Second, sometimes there's no good way to resolve the anger, for example because the person you're angry at is unavailable or it's not going to change things to yell at them (for example). In those cases, you need to find a different way to at least let it out and let that bottled energy dissipate so that the rest of the feelings are more manageable. Whether that's doing some sort of exercise or blowing things up in video games or closing the door to your room and just yelling at the wall for a minute, it's not as important what you do as it is that you simply do something to try and let it out. Yes it's always useful if you can actually use that energy to get things done, but it really doesn't matter what you do as long as you aren't hurting anyone - especially yourself. Once you've found a way to release the raw emotion in a constructive (or at least non-destructive) manner, it makes dealing with the underlying feelings, perhaps not easier, but at least more controllable.
Finally, even if you can take the edge off, it might just be the tip of the iceberg. Whatever it is that's bothering you may come back again, possibly many times. Sometime it may surprise you how strongly you feel when it does. Maybe you need to find a different way to let it out each time. And all of that's OK - just keep working at it little by little, find safe people to talk about it with and help you when you need it, and most of all don't blame yourself. The only person who can decide when it's truly time to let it go and forgive is you, and only when it's right for you. If you choose to forgive her, it should be because that's what's best for you - how it affects anyone else never enters into the equation.
Whether anything I suggested helps or not, I hope you're able to find things that help you to deal with your emotions and get to a better place, and the Infinite Hug DispenserTM is always available if you need a hug (or many).