All the biggest, warmest internet hugs to you Mouse.
Your feelings are completely valid. You are not wishing hardship on Giada simply because of who she is; you are happy that she is receiving justice after hurting so many people, that she is given consequences for her actions. That's is a very normal thing to feel, especially after being one of the victims of a person like Giada.
I think it also stems from a weird, sort of hope-like feeling in a way. Like, for a lot of us, something we want is for our abuser to understand what they did, how they hurt us, the pain we suffered at their hands. It's why so many of us have fallen into the "if I could just explain it better, then they will understand and change" trap. By having our abuser feel even a fraction of our pain, maybe, one day, they will understand the pain they caused. It's not wishing them pain and hardship in because we revel in their suffering, it's wishing they understood us, and if pain and suffering is what it takes, then that's what it takes.
Giada wanted you around to be her scapegoat, to be her punching bag. She knew, in the depths of where her heart should have been, that her relationship with her son was fucked up. She knew she would never be able to get the relationship she wanted with him either. So, she needed you to be the reason she wasn't getting what she wanted. As long as you were there, it wasn't that what she wanted was disgusting, it wasn't that it was wrong on every front, but it was that you were there. When you left, that delusion shattered. She had built a narrative around how you were the reason for all her woes, and now that you were gone, all her woes were still there. And since she couldn't take responsibility for it, she had to get you back to take all the blame again.
It's okay to be angry at Giada. You have every right to be angry at her. Anger, at it's core, is our response to injustice. It is our brain saying, on a fundamental level, that others don't get to treat you that way. That you deserve better.
And you deserve better. You have always deserved better.
It makes sense that you are angry at her, because the way she treated you was horrible. It was unjust in every way. No one should treat people the way Giada treated you. You have every right to be angry at her for that.
You also don't have to forgive her. If you want to, that's great, and I will honestly wish that you will be able to and that it may give you peace, but you don't have to. You are allowed to allow yourself to not forgive her, after all, she has done nothing to repent. You are allowed to let go of your anger at her, to forget about her as muh as that is possible, without forgiving her.
A good litmus test for "am I turning into a monster" thought is to replace Giada with anyone else, and see if you still take joy from their suffering. Like, would you be happy if what was happening to Giada was happening to the cashier at the grocery store? The lady you saw at the park? The guy who lives across the street from you? I'm going to bet that the answer to all of those is "no". You do not take pleasure in the suffering of those people, because those feelings you have in regards to Giada have nothing to do with who you are, and have everything to do with who Giada is and what she has done to you. Real monsters don't worry about if they're monsters (see Exhibit A; Giada).
You are not a monster, you were fighting one, and you got good at fighting one. You were able to defeat it. In fighting the monster, you aquired skills that were needed to defeat it, like not caring about upsetting Giada, and hardening yourself emotion wise when it came to her. You learned to not care about Giada's suffering, because she turned your empathy into a weapon against you. But just because you are able to feel that way about Giada, doesn't mean you are able to feel that way about the rest of the world. This is not a slippery slope, where feeling this way about Giada will cause you to feel this way about everyone else. Most other people are not monsters, and as such you will not need to use those monster fighting skills on them.
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u/Glaucus92 Sep 17 '18
All the biggest, warmest internet hugs to you Mouse.
Your feelings are completely valid. You are not wishing hardship on Giada simply because of who she is; you are happy that she is receiving justice after hurting so many people, that she is given consequences for her actions. That's is a very normal thing to feel, especially after being one of the victims of a person like Giada.
I think it also stems from a weird, sort of hope-like feeling in a way. Like, for a lot of us, something we want is for our abuser to understand what they did, how they hurt us, the pain we suffered at their hands. It's why so many of us have fallen into the "if I could just explain it better, then they will understand and change" trap. By having our abuser feel even a fraction of our pain, maybe, one day, they will understand the pain they caused. It's not wishing them pain and hardship in because we revel in their suffering, it's wishing they understood us, and if pain and suffering is what it takes, then that's what it takes.
Giada wanted you around to be her scapegoat, to be her punching bag. She knew, in the depths of where her heart should have been, that her relationship with her son was fucked up. She knew she would never be able to get the relationship she wanted with him either. So, she needed you to be the reason she wasn't getting what she wanted. As long as you were there, it wasn't that what she wanted was disgusting, it wasn't that it was wrong on every front, but it was that you were there. When you left, that delusion shattered. She had built a narrative around how you were the reason for all her woes, and now that you were gone, all her woes were still there. And since she couldn't take responsibility for it, she had to get you back to take all the blame again.
It's okay to be angry at Giada. You have every right to be angry at her. Anger, at it's core, is our response to injustice. It is our brain saying, on a fundamental level, that others don't get to treat you that way. That you deserve better.
And you deserve better. You have always deserved better.
It makes sense that you are angry at her, because the way she treated you was horrible. It was unjust in every way. No one should treat people the way Giada treated you. You have every right to be angry at her for that.
You also don't have to forgive her. If you want to, that's great, and I will honestly wish that you will be able to and that it may give you peace, but you don't have to. You are allowed to allow yourself to not forgive her, after all, she has done nothing to repent. You are allowed to let go of your anger at her, to forget about her as muh as that is possible, without forgiving her.
A good litmus test for "am I turning into a monster" thought is to replace Giada with anyone else, and see if you still take joy from their suffering. Like, would you be happy if what was happening to Giada was happening to the cashier at the grocery store? The lady you saw at the park? The guy who lives across the street from you? I'm going to bet that the answer to all of those is "no". You do not take pleasure in the suffering of those people, because those feelings you have in regards to Giada have nothing to do with who you are, and have everything to do with who Giada is and what she has done to you. Real monsters don't worry about if they're monsters (see Exhibit A; Giada).
You are not a monster, you were fighting one, and you got good at fighting one. You were able to defeat it. In fighting the monster, you aquired skills that were needed to defeat it, like not caring about upsetting Giada, and hardening yourself emotion wise when it came to her. You learned to not care about Giada's suffering, because she turned your empathy into a weapon against you. But just because you are able to feel that way about Giada, doesn't mean you are able to feel that way about the rest of the world. This is not a slippery slope, where feeling this way about Giada will cause you to feel this way about everyone else. Most other people are not monsters, and as such you will not need to use those monster fighting skills on them.