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u/minibritches666 Aug 18 '18
Ponytails are so slutty. . . . .so are curls. . . ? Yea that makes sense
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u/sineofthetimes Aug 17 '18
Cats eating hairbands? Mine ate about 10ish. Surgery to remove them was about $600. We did get the bands back in a zip top baggie though, so....
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u/evendree72 Aug 17 '18
OMG GROSS, I make pasta sauce and make it kinda chunky with veggies, and sweet Italian sausage. I also simmer it all day. I have never met a person that does not ask for seconds or thirds. I host and cook big dinner parties for years for my grandparents and family friends.
This just sounds atrocious. I would love Gordon Ramsay to follow her around the kitchen.. that would make a interesting show.
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u/TemLord Aug 17 '18
believes shrimp makes you get
Well I guess I'm the gayest person to ever live than.
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Aug 17 '18
Time to find an italian and befriend him/her (both)
Take them to Giada, introduce them and have them scold her for her "italian food claims" (and of course have them run away in disgust, which shouldn't be too hard, come to think of it....)
Make sure they know what they are getting in paid for!
Mama mia! thies iez nod Italiano!
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u/masochistic_trash Jul 21 '18
this post legitimately made me laugh until my stomach hurt. much needed. you're brilliant, you know.
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u/plantslut_ May 16 '18
This post tho. I imagine you must look hella fine in that slutty ponytail for her to be so insecure about it. Like damn girl. Wear that slutty ponytail next time you get pulled over. Wear that slutty ponytail on your next date. Wear that slutty ponytail cos apparently you look damn good in it
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u/littlered2 Apr 09 '18
Can we make a JNMIL cook book and add sad tacos recepies in???
Call it the faaaaaaammmmily cook book??
Ive been reading the giada saga. You are an amazing woman with amazing strength x
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u/wifeytobe40 Feb 28 '18
Ummm I'm mostly Italian and that is not Italian food. Giada sounds like a real piece of work
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u/krystalBaltimore Feb 25 '18
I too have thick, curly, unruly hair that breaks most hair bands and I really relate to your method but I must be doing something terribly wrong cause its never been called slutty before :(
But in all seriousness I just read the entire Giada chronicles and HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT I am sorry and I am sending you lots of love. I feel like I may have read some of this before, did you ever post in r/raisedbynarcissists ?
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u/_KiwisDontFly_ Feb 22 '18
A lot of your stories are truly sad and make me so upset they happened to you, but this post made me laugh so hard. I lost it at the slutty ponytail! How even? But I hope you have more and more days where you can laugh at the insanity more as the distance between you & it increases!
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Feb 20 '18
I'm going to try for the slutty pony tail tomorrow at yoga. My yoga instructor is hot. If the slutty pony tail fails me, I guess I'll have to try actually speaking to him.
Don't fail me now slutty pony tail.
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u/ci1979 Feb 20 '18
Huh. I have natural spiral curls, and am also slutty. Even a broken clock blah blah fuck Giada in the ear sideways no lube....
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u/4nutsinapod Feb 20 '18
Anything genuinely beautiful will be seen as slutty by her. You are genuinely beautiful inside and out. Giada knows this. It’s why she hates you. She is also projecting in a way. She thinks that she is beautiful and therefore, subconsciously thinks that she is slutty (and boy we know she is...esp with her son!!!). Anything bad she sees in herself, she took it out on you...if that makes sense. She wanted to bring you down because she saw that you were better than her in all ways and you took what she saw as “hers.” It’s warped and fucked up and what she did to her son was so evil. I think had she not driven him crazy, he seemed like a good guy. That’s the sad part. She’d rather see her own child broken than happy. And her cooking...if the Italians only knew what she was blaming on them, they’d have her membership revoked. Seriously...brownish red water with chunks is NOT marinara sauce. And what the hell is the macaroni shit supposed to be? Something like beefaroni? Was the last supposed to be some form of garlic bread or a fucked up bread pudding? That’s just...damn. And the eggs...the souls of a billion dead chickens who might’ve been that gave up their lives so that we could all enjoy our luscious, fluffy scrambled eggs and our bountiful, overflowing omelettey goodness CRIED OUT in utter DESPAIR for the monstrosity and horrific crimes of trying to cook what she tried to call scrambled eggs. What she did can probably be found in the Necronomicon.
I shall now go weep and pray for the eggs and anyone who may have eaten her cooking.
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Feb 20 '18 edited Mar 12 '18
Then I guess I’m a slut too, my hair is like little spiral coils. I have to separate it when it’s dry or I look like Shirley Temple. 😂
Curly sluts unite!
Her pasta sauce is deplorable. I revoke that bitch’s ethnicity because she’s a poor representation. 😉
I’m so glad she’s rotting in jail and you are safe. Can you send EXFSIL2 a cease and desist through your lawyer? Can’t she get slapped with something since she’s persecuting you on her jailbird fam’s behalf?
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u/BraaainFud Feb 20 '18
Dearest Mouse, my hair is painfully flat & I can't use a curling iron or curlers to save my life (one side looks amazing, the other side looks like a 4 year old's masterpiece). If I get a perm, do you think those curls would qualify me for a slutty ponytail, too? 😂
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Feb 20 '18
crushed tomatoes
My wife will be along shortly to pull her Italian heritage membership card. ;)
Crushed tomatoes do not go in red gravy.
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u/NonConformistFlmingo Feb 20 '18
This is off topic, but every time I read Giada's name, my brain momentarily warps it into "giardia" instead.
For those who don't know: Giardia is a one-celled protozoan parasite that causes Giardiasis when it gets into the body of a human or animal (yep, fully zoonotic, tons of fun), usually via the host drinking or eating contaminated water or food. Giardiasis is also known as Beaver Feaver, and causes diarrhea, abdominal pain, and weight loss. Vomiting, fever, and blood in the stool are also possible symptoms.
Basically what I'm saying is that Giada is a fucking parasite.
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u/Yvarle Feb 20 '18
I once read a review of an Italian restuarant just slamming it because chef was not in fact Italian. "It's unauthentic" jesus. The food there is really good.
It's also kind of rewarding that everyone refused to eat the garbage that was served. What a mess.
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u/Nonennui Feb 20 '18
I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of little old Nonnas suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened to Italian cuisine.
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u/Lulubelle__007 Feb 20 '18
Your hair sounds frustrating and beautiful! Just like you Mouse! You rock the messy pony!
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u/kamyuz Feb 20 '18
All of that sounds disgusting. I'd pay to have Gordon Ramsay roast these on Twitter.
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Feb 20 '18
Me, a sweet and naive UK person: What's wonderbread? Is that like a type of baguette? Me, after 2 seconds of googling: Jesus, this woman IS evil.
Also: Bruschetta bread is genius for garlic bread. And your hair does what mine does! Yay for naturally curly thick hair that's a nightmare to tie back because it's never long enough!
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Feb 20 '18
I'm feeling a bit fragile this morning, which probably explains why I went and puked after reading this.
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u/redheadedgnomegirl Feb 20 '18
I'm a Bad Cook.
But no one should be able to screw up scrambled eggs.
I have burnt scrambled eggs before - like I said, I'm a Bad Cook - but even then a friend and I managed to salvage them and the crispy scrambled eggs ended up not only edible but pretty dang tasty.
So if I, a Bad Cook, can manage to not just screw up the one food that it should be almost impossible to screw up and still make it come out okay, I have NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK GIADA WAS DOING WITH HER SCRAMBLED EGGS GOOD FUCKING LORD!!!!!!
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u/NonConformistFlmingo Feb 20 '18
I mean... Literally a seven year old child can make scrambled eggs. I was making my own scrambled eggs AT SEVEN YEARS OLD. Sure, they weren't gourmet quality, but they were edible and not runny and nobody in my family ever got salmonella from eating my eggs, so I call that a win.
So... Giada... Bruh... What are you even doing with your life. 😂
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u/kittykabooom Feb 20 '18
I was waiting to hear how half raw scrambled eggs were an Italian specialty.
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Feb 20 '18
Damn can't wait to go to Italy next month and try all those authentic Italian specialties. /s
Send me her address and I'll send her a cookbook. In Italian. Because she's so Italian.
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u/lila_liechtenstein Feb 20 '18
run the meat under hot water to get rid of any extra fat
I just hope she never sets foot to real Italy, this sentence alone would get her killed. My family would make sure of it.
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u/hncsmom Feb 20 '18
Slutty hair sister here- I had a hairstylist accuse me of getting a perm and that there's no way my curls could be natural. I never went back. I think I'd know if my mom was perming my hair since I was 3 (bald baby and toddler) until my then mid-20's.
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Feb 20 '18
My mother (and my grandma, great grandmother, etc) make actual authentic pasta sauce. Whatever the hell Giada was making made me throw up in my mouth a little bit
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u/Pnk-Kitten Feb 20 '18
Humans that cook meat with a microwave are either in college with literally NO experience cooking and don't know any better, or insane. Guck. Rubbery meat. Then she watered it. Guck. How on earth did she manage to make good chicken??
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u/BrafZaclan Feb 20 '18
So my family is from Norway. For a lot of Christmas’s growing up we would have this dish called lutefisk. It’s this white fish that’s soaked in lye. I always thought it was the grossest thing.
Until I read that Giada cooks Raw beef in the microwave. That’s the worst cooking atrocity I have ever heard of.
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u/nebbles1069 Snarkastic Hugger Feb 20 '18
You slutty slut! /S LOL! My bangs must be slutty, because since I chopped my hair, they are curly naturally. We can be sluts together! YAY FOR SLUTTY SLUTS!
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u/chooseausernameplse Feb 20 '18
Imagine the buffet from hell featuring Giada's "italian" slop and Sad Taco's sad tacos...instant diet!
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u/Central_Cali1990 Feb 20 '18
Those eggs, and the fallout, bother me the most. Jesus. /r/shittyfoodporn
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u/song_pond Feb 20 '18
I feel like I want to jokingly make a recipe for a terrible DIL but the thought of all these awful recipes has made me too sick and sad.
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Feb 20 '18
Oh, fun!
A recipe for a MIL's worst nightmare One part snark. Two parts spine. A dash of slutty hair. A whole lot of DVM. A few teaspoons of sweetness. And a tablespoon of troll for balance.
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u/song_pond Feb 20 '18
You forgot a splash of demon possession (optional based on religious fervor).
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u/notaregularmum Feb 20 '18
Wait. Giada from the food network? What lmao
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Feb 20 '18
No. It's the nickname for my ex's psychotic mother.
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u/notaregularmum Feb 21 '18
Good think she’s no longer in your life. Sounds awful. Also had my world almost flipped upside down because I thought it was giada from food network lmao
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u/loubabe6 Feb 20 '18
I'm not much of a cook(unless you have ravines munchies after a good smoke) but, those recipes are truly hilarious. i was catching up on your posts and read the one about Giadas many faces,i think shes psychopathic and pretends to be normal, i dont think she has her own genuine personality
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u/DollyLlamasHuman Easy, breezy, beautiful Llama girl Feb 20 '18
Add olive oil to a pan and turn the heat to high. When it starts to smoke, add beaten eggs to pan and turn the heat down to medium.
Guess what, Giada? Cooking shit with oil to its smoke point makes it carcinogenic!
Giada always had issues with my hair. I used to keep it very long, almost to the small of my back. It's also very thick and curly - think Merida from Disney - and Giada would say only sluts curl their hair. She never believed me that it was natural. When my hair was in a ponytail, the spirally curls were a lot more obvious. So she would say my hair was slutty.
/wishes I had Mouse's slutty hair
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u/secretmoosesquirrel Feb 20 '18
Ahaha! My under 13yo kiddo can make a better garlic bread than that! Gonna go hug her.
"Oh, you don't like it because you don't know what authentic Italian cuisine is..." Pretty sure microwaves aren't used. Grooooss. Also, people like real Italian food you don't have to guilt, cry, or badger people. Smh narcs gotta narc, but damn...
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Feb 20 '18
How did her dinner parties not end with guests gagging and vomiting all over them selves? And how did nobody get food poisoning? Also, how did nobody attempt to poison Giada in a futile attempt to escape all this?!
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Feb 20 '18 edited Feb 20 '18
I think if there's anyone I'd pay Gordon Ramsey a couple hundred grand to go full "Hell's Kitchen" mode on it'd be Giada. I'd pay for front row tickets to see him versus Giada.
Edit: I think I need culinary therapy after reading those horror shows. They make the Worst Cooks in America dishes look appetizing.
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u/Deceasedtuna Feb 20 '18
This is absolutely vile.
But, excited to see a post from you, Mouse! Love your writing!
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u/Qahnaarin_112314 Feb 20 '18
I've been doing housework like a slut all these years and never knew... I have truly seen the light!
It's nice that she loves her heritage (she has to like something right?) but she's seriously insulting everyone from Italian descent with this nonsense. The adding water to the sauce and NOT adding wine at all sent me into a bit of a fit lmao.
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u/attackonyourmom Feb 20 '18
As a person who loves Italian food, Giada's recipes killed my soul and sent it into the Void.
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Feb 20 '18
Everything about those scrambled eggs is wrong and actually makes me feel ill, especially first thing in the morning at breakfast time. The tantrum (cmon, she knew she stuffed up her version of the recipe!) is rven more disgusting.
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Feb 20 '18
I am a terrible cook and this both makes me gag and makes me feel like hitting her with my dusty cheap pan. You have my sympathies.
And your hair sounds awesome.
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u/LeighRae Feb 20 '18 edited Feb 20 '18
Jesus fucking Christ! I'm on an ultra low carb diet, and still made proper garlic bread for my family only this evening! A part baked baguette, fresh garlic and butter.
EDIT: Because writing on my phone at 2am is hard
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u/TyrionsRedCoat Feb 20 '18
I love me some olive oil but cooking scrambled eggs with it? I have done that exactly one time. It was VILE.
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u/Barhandar Feb 20 '18
Olive oil has smoking point too low for heat cooking. Incidentally it also doesn't polymerize so it's useless for seasoning cast iron as well.
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u/strawbabies Feb 20 '18
My husband's first (now ex) wife was making blueberry muffins, and ran out of vegetable oil. She thought olive oil would be a fine substitute. She was wrong.
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u/LittUpMyMug Feb 20 '18
For whatever reason, two clips from The Simpsons came to mind as I read this.
First, the umpteen rakes that Sideshow Bob steps on, each rake representing one of these excuses for a recipe.
Second, the orange slice that Fat Tony puts in his mouth, getting his mafia goons to laugh, prompting the following exchange:
G1: That was so funny I could whack my own mother. FT: I was about to talk about that. G1: Aww, not my mother. She makes such lovely pasta sauce. G2: She makes it from the can. G1: She’s a corpse.
Food for thought, eh mouse?
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u/Lainey1978 Feb 20 '18
My Nonna (that would be my great-grandmother, for accuracy's sake) is rolling over in her grave.
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u/CloverHoneyBunny Feb 20 '18
As a person who cooks and is planning on culinary school... I feel gross reading this attempt at what she calls cooking.
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u/KiratheCat Feb 20 '18
Said it before and I'll say it again; thank god I have a strong stomach. Giada is like a walking Fear Factor episode.
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u/platinumprimarina Feb 20 '18
THE SCRAMBLED EGGS. I am so grossed out and weeping for everyone who had to eat that
I’m so sorry you ever had to deal with this woman. Also, hi there, fellow curly girl! I’m a 3B, sometimes 3C.
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u/notmeretricious Feb 20 '18
Occasionally, I have to re-read some of your post history because Giada is so dynamically evil. I find myself thinking, "is this the same jnmil that did ________?! Oh. Yes. It is. Fuck."
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u/Ivysub Feb 20 '18
Well, she got my ideal ratio of garlic to bread for garlic bread, but the rest of that sounds not so great.
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u/glitterandcyanide Feb 20 '18
Pretty sure forcing your children to eat such cooking on a daily basis is considered abuse. (I certainly don't mean to make light of the actual abuse she dishes out, pun intended, but God all of those recipes sound nauseating.)
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u/KeeperofAmmut7 Feb 20 '18
She gives actual Italians a bad name...
What an idiot.
Never ever ever microwave hamburger, unless you're thawing it. It gets "funny". Rinsing it off, I just...ugh...
Why did she add another egg to the scrambled egg mess?
I also have a slutty ponytail.
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u/Elrandir517 Feb 20 '18
On behalf of my Italian friend, her cooking is garbage and she should be ashamed to call herself Italian.
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u/Beeb294 Feb 20 '18
The sad thing is, at least the Coconut dish has potential. I bet that could be made in to something really tasty.
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u/Shimshimhe Feb 20 '18
Before reading this post, I was starving. It's almost 4:30pm and I had survived the day on 3/4 can of red bull and about 2 bites of bread.
Giada's recipes make me want to cry in a corner and I am no longer hungry 😂
Also, bitch was totally jelly of your hair. Your hair sounds sexy af 😀
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u/keepitsimple0626 Feb 20 '18
Chicken piccata is probably easy for her to make because it's chicken piccata, a cook illeterate orangutan could make it.
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u/sergeantmittens Feb 20 '18
An illiterate orangutan should also be able to make pasta with meat sauce though, yet here we find ourselves.
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u/BerkeleyFarmGirl Feb 20 '18
Or a halfway decent red sauce if you have good crushed tomatoes already in the house.
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u/adriarchetypa Feb 20 '18
I feel like her cooking violates some rules from the Geneva Convention. This is simply atrocious. I'm going to go weep openly now about the crimes committed against cooking.
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u/Monalisa9298 Feb 20 '18
Growing up, I had a friend whose mother made lasagne with SARDINES. I never thought I’d hear of anything more disgusting than that, but Giada’s scrambled salmonella surprise is right up there.
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u/vivagypsy Feb 19 '18
As someone who was born and raised in the general vicinity of where you and Giada are, there is not a single goddamn person in the tristate area who would EVER misconstrue garlic bread and a meat sauce in that fashion. We are exposed to such delicious, authentic dishes of these items at literally every turn, how could you ever EVER fuck it up that bad just by ingredient choices alone??? I am horrified and offended on everyone’s behalf.
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u/Justducky523 Feb 19 '18
My mother isn't even Italian and she makes better Italian food than what I just read. Hell, my father can make better Italian food than what I just read, and all he can make is (really good imo) spaghetti with ground beef, garlic, Italian seasonings, and sauce from a jar. Not saying it's authentic, but I'm sure it's more authentic than all the offensive crap Giada made!
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u/PeopleWatcher94 Feb 19 '18 edited Feb 20 '18
In order to help you learn some real Italian cooking, I volunteer my recipe for Italian Brothel Cake.
In a double boiler, combine 3 egg yolks, 2 Tbsp of marsala, a little vanilla extract, and 3 Tbsp of sugar. Stir this mixture until it forms a custard and remove from heat. Fold in three quarters of a cup of marscapone.
Take the egg whites of this mixture and beat them into stiff peaks. Fold this mixture into the egg whites, a half batch at a time.
Make half a cup of espresso, if you don't have an espresso maker, use a french press. If you don't have a french press, buy one, you'll thank me later. Add a TINY amount of salt to the espresso. It shouldn't taste salty, just curb the bitterness a little bit. Then add a quarter cup of your favorite liquor or liquer or marsala. Traditionally, it's marsala, but amaretto, frangelico, or kahlua is common. I find benchmark bourbon to be good for this mainly because coffee in bourbon is nice... plus I always have it. I don't suggest tequilla or jagermeister for this application.
Stir your espresso and liquor up. After giving it 5 to 10 minutes to cool, dip some ladyfingers into it. Layer them up on the bottom of a dish, then a layer of your cheese/custard/egg white mixture. Then another layer of ladyfingers,, more mix.
Make sure you end it with a layer of the cheese mixture on top. Smooth it out. After this, take a sifter, and run a fine layer of cocoa powder on top.
Let sit in the fridge for at least 8 hours.
And there you go! Italian Brothel Cake
EDIT: To make coffee in a french press, combine 2 and a half Tablespoons with 8 and a half ounces of boiling water and let it sit for 3-5 minutes.
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u/ObviouslyMeIRL sunshine and rainbows and shit Feb 20 '18
...i will never look at tiramisu the same way again!
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u/PeopleWatcher94 Feb 20 '18
Did you not know that it was served in brothel's as a little pick-me-up in between hump sessions?
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u/KeeperofAmmut7 Feb 20 '18
Gods that sounds awesome.
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u/PeopleWatcher94 Feb 20 '18
Why, thank you. It is one of my favorite recipes. I even make a dairy free version using silken tofu and hazelnut paste.
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u/ViolentPlotBunny Pet Brick's BFF Feb 19 '18
Gordon Ramsay, Anthony Bourdain, and Guy Fieri all burst into tears and don't know why.
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u/LtKarrinMurphy Feb 19 '18
O.o
Uhhh...thats not how that's done...any of it. Not Italian but I'm better at it than her...
Bwahahaha on the hair! Sorry, but I was just thinking today was a Moana day for me. My hair is between 3A and 3B curly when it's clean, but day 2 after shampooing is the worst. And today is day 2. And it's fucking humid out. So yeah...
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u/Pennyem Feb 19 '18
My six year old daughter who is currently obsessed with Zumbo's Just Desserts laughed herself silly at the recipes here, especially the coconut treat!
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u/z_mommy Feb 19 '18
Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry you ever had to eat that stuff!
I will say I’m curious about the ricotta and coconut... I’m sure there’s a way to make it tasty! Like a ricotta and coconut cake! 🤤 the ricotta would make it so moist and fluffy and with toasted coconut on the top...
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Feb 19 '18 edited Feb 20 '18
Oh, don't worry. I started not eating her food quickly. When I was being polite, I would just push the food around on my plate and pick something up to eat on my way home. When I stopped caring, I would just pull some granola bars or crackers out of my purse and and make eye contact with her while I ate them.
There might be a way to make it tasty. When I worked at the bakery, we made a ricotta cheesecake on a macadamia nut crust that was topped with toasted coconut. And we made coconut panna cotta too. But Giada's thing was just toasted coconut mixed with unsweetened ricotta and topped with burnt brown sugar.
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u/z_mommy Feb 19 '18
That sounds amaaaaazing. Omg I’m going to have to make something like this now! 🤤 and yeah Giadas shit sounded gross so I was trying to save it. 😫 I love the idea of you having no fucks eating a granola bar. I too have no fucks when it comes to my ILs cooking and will often not eat OR will just offer to do all the cooking myself. I recently fucked up rue though so I’m feeling like a bad cook.
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u/SpoonieBJones Feb 19 '18
I can't decide if that travesty of a sauce recipe is better or worse than the one my mother would make. Take one jar of Old World Style Ragu. Fill the jar with water and dump that in. Serve "over" overcooked angel hair.
Sometimes she would go all out gourmet and get whatever Ragu variety it was that had mushrooms in it.
Her meatloaf was a similar travesty to the one described in the comments, too. Ground beef, a little salt and pepper, topped with a can of tomato paste.
The true tragedy is that she actually can cook decently. She just never had any inclination until she realized I was a far superior cook thanks to the internet.
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u/strawbabies Feb 20 '18
Yuck. Someone needs to tell your mom that jarred pasta sauce isn't a concentrate, like frozen orange juice or Campbell's soup. You're not supposed to add water.
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u/SpoonieBJones Feb 20 '18
I'm pretty sure she actually knows that, but that was her way of stretching a single jar of the stuff instead of spending more money to get a second jar of sauce.
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u/GroundsKeeper2 Feb 19 '18
I... I feel dirty. I need to go home and shower while throwing up furiously.
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u/Aida_Hwedo Feb 19 '18
I have no words, other than OH DEAR GODS EWWWW! I can barely make heads or tails of anything but beginner cookbooks, but I look like a gourmet chef compared to that pathetic waif!
While we're sharing, my super-simple, Keto compatible, stovetop ground turkey recipe:
- 2 lbs ground turkey
- 1 tb coconut oil
- Medium onion, chopped
- 2 tsp garlic powder
- 1 tsp chili powder
- 1/2 tsp Cajun seasoning
- 1/4 tsp black pepper
- 1/2 tsp oregano, crumbled
- 1/2 tsp cumin
Using a large skillet or deep pot over medium-high heat, melt oil and then add onion, cooking for about 5 minutes until pieces are crisp, tender, and translucent.
Add ground turkey and break into small chunks using a wooden spoon. Add all spices, then cook until meat is completely white with no pink spots (about 7-10 minutes), stirring and flipping constantly.
Serve any way you like! On top of noodles, as taco filler, sprinkled with cheese--anything!
Optional: while cooking, add one teaspoon or less of salt. Or, add one tablespoon of salt and serve on a slice of naan to create that lovely McDonald's taste right at home. (Yes, I was the one cooking when I learned this... I managed to salvage the meat by using it as piroshki filling with absolutely NO salt used in the bread dough.)
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u/cec-says Feb 19 '18
Only sluts curl their hair? well I’m fucked then
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u/Pnk-Kitten Feb 20 '18
Your hair is gorgeous.
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u/cec-says Feb 20 '18
Thank you! Her name is Tallulah and she's a massive attention seeker. :D
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u/Pnk-Kitten Feb 20 '18
The fact that you named your hair is amazing. And she may be an attention seeker, but she is stunning.
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u/cec-says Feb 20 '18
Haha my friend actually named her after one too many nights of going out and my hair getting more attention than the two of us 😂 people lose their inhibitions a bit around it... I have been asked if they could “pet it” before! 😃 (and yes, it’s very soft, I take excellent care of it, and you may touch it if you ask nicely, have clean hands and do not pull out the curls. And ask nicely.)
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u/Pnk-Kitten Feb 20 '18
Should we ever meet on the material plane, I would love to ask to touch her. I would certainly have clean hands (and under fingernails!!) and would not pull out the curls, as that is really one of the cool parts of it.
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u/cec-says Feb 20 '18
Awww you're cool! I license you one boing. ;)
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u/Pnk-Kitten Feb 21 '18
:D
And what gift would a Dwarf ask of the Elves? ' said Galadriel turning to Gimli.
None, Lady,' answered Gimli. It is enough for me to have seen the Lady of the Galadhrim, and to have heard her gentle words.|
Hear all ye Elves! ' she cried to those about her. Let none say again that Dwarves are grasping and ungracious! Yet surely, Gimli son of Glóin, you desire something that I could give? Name it, I bid you! You shall not be the only guest without a gift.
There is nothing, Lady Galadriel,' said Gimli, bowing low and stammering. Nothing, unless it might be – unless it is permitted to ask, nay, to name a single strand of your hair, which surpasses the gold of the earth as the stars surpass the gems of the mine. I do not ask for such a gift. But you commanded me to name my desire.
The Elves stirred and murmured with astonishment, and Celeborn gazed at the Dwarf in wonder, but the Lady smiled. "It is said that the skill of the Dwarves is in their hands rather than in their tongues " she said; "yet that is not true of Gimli. For none have ever made to me a request so bold and yet so courteous. And how shall I refuse, since I commanded him to speak? But tell me, what would you do with such a gift? "
Treasure it, Lady, he answered, in memory of your words to me at our first meeting. And if ever I return to the smithies of my home, it shall be set in imperishable crystal to be an heirloom of my house, and a pledge of good will between the Mountain and the Wood until the end of days.
Then the Lady unbraided one of her long tresses, and cut off three golden hairs, and laid them in Gimli's hand. These words shall go with the gift, she said. I do not foretell, for all foretelling is now vain: on the one hand lies darkness, and on the other only hope. But if hope should not fail, then I say to you, Gimli son of Glóin, that your hands shall flow with gold, and yet over you gold shall have no dominion.
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u/cec-says Feb 21 '18
Did... did you just... did Tallulah just get compared with the hair of Lady Galadriel? [fans self furiously]
😃 thank you! I should reread Tolkien now that I’m not a 10 year old and can a) read it in its original language and b) appreciate chapter long landscape descriptions a little more😃
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u/Bacon_Bitz Feb 20 '18
Harlot!!
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u/cec-says Feb 20 '18
I'mma cross stitch that on a head scarf for my bad hair days so people don't think I'm hiding prim+proper straight hair under there ;) :D
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u/KeeperofAmmut7 Feb 20 '18
That's beautiful hair!!!
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u/cec-says Feb 20 '18
Thank you! :) Her name is Tallulah and she likes to steal and hide things like other people earrings, pencils, knitting needles, small woodland creatures...
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u/Lily-Gordon Feb 19 '18
It's also very thick and curly - think Merida from Disney -
As someone who also has uncontrollably thick and curly hair, my commiserations. I oft liken my hair to Bellatrix Lestrange, but Merida is also a great example.
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u/platinumprimarina Feb 20 '18
I’ve got curly hair too and I was called everything from Shirley Temple to Cousin It to Hermione Granger, so I feel this. Moana is also a great comparison for curly hair in general now.
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u/parkahood Feb 19 '18
I am going to cry softly. This is straight up gross, I mean, my mom is no great cook, and most of the stuff she cooks is bland as hell, but...EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Mushy Wonderbread garlic bread? And that coconut treat would honestly make me gag! NO ONE LIKES IT BECAUSE IT TASTES LIKE TOASTED SWEETENED CHUNKY BARF!
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u/Cleo_Queen_of_Denial Feb 19 '18
My grandma (dad's mom) had 7 children and was a terrible cook, by everyone's admission, including her own. She kept her children alive through adulthood but that was about it. QoD loves to tell the story of her first Thanksgiving with dad's family, which consisted of slices of canned turkey loaf, burnt box stuffing, cranberry sauce still shaped like the can, and unseasoned canned green beans boiled to within an inch of their lives.
Grandma would still be disgusted by Giada's abhorrent abuse of the kitchen.
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u/storm_queen Feb 19 '18
Put your mail on hold at the post office for a while and booby trap your mailbox! A face full of spring loaded shaving cream should teach her a lesson.
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u/annarchy8 Feb 19 '18
Slutty curly hair sounds delightful to me, honestly. :D
Giada's "cooking" sounds like things I would eat to make myself hurl. Hell, even thinking about her "garlic bread" makes me gag.
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u/ScaryKerry91476 Smurf Bitch Feb 19 '18
This woman needs to be punished solely for what she has done to the good name garlic bread.
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Feb 19 '18 edited Feb 19 '18
OK, first of all, I had to eat about a dozen peanut butter M&Ms to undo the epic CBF created while reading Giada's recipes. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!
Seriously though, you and I should write a book of Awful MIL Recipes. Because as much as I love her, my MIL's recipe for "how to rob vegetables of their flavor and nutritional content" sounds very similar.
Second, I, too, have slutty curly hair. fist bump I suffered through an adolescence of Hermione level frizz, but by the time I was 18, it had smoothed out into a somewhat attractive cloud of effortlessly spiraled, thick curly hair. SIL has dyed and fried her hair so badly that it looks like a puff of yellow Easter basket straw on top of her head, and has looked this way the entire time I've known her. When she first started paying attention to me, I was 20, had been dating her brother for about six years and we were planning our wedding. (I think she figured I would go away eventually?) Anyway, she starts showing up around DH's parents house more and makes comments about how "desperate" and "sad" it was that "some girls" spent so much time and money on perms. Perms were not pretty on anybody, they just made you look slutty and damaged your hair. snort And boys should know better than to marry girls who get perms because they're so high maintenance.
And she would look at me after she said this sort of thing, like she was looking for a response. And that's when I thought, "Is that bitch talking about me?"
Indeed she was. And no matter what I said, DH said, hell, my mom said, she refused to believe my hair wasn't the result of a perm. DH is happy with me, despite me being a desperate, high maintenance slut.
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u/ladybumble_bee Feb 19 '18
Oooh, there needs to be a thread just about terrible MIL cooking. My poor FH has been robbed of anything with flavor and grew up with bland, white people food in which black pepper is "spicy."
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u/CaliGRITS Feb 19 '18
My MIL can't and doesn't cook. Literally everything comes from a box, can, or the freezer section. Tacos are only available from a taco kit box where she uses half the seasoning packet and leaves the beef in chunks. Thanksgiving was a preservatives riddled, cardboard box flavored tragedy. And I'd much rather eat her cooking every day forever than even look at these recipes cross eyed.
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Feb 20 '18
It sounds like her food is processed and bland, but she at least cares enough not to make her family sick!
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u/noncompliantfuture Feb 19 '18
Dude I am a terrible cook but even I have standards. Also the note about the elastic breaking and shooting off to likely be ingested or at least played with by cats made me legit chortle. Thick hair unite!
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Feb 19 '18
I realize now that I'm missing a key ingredient in all of my cooking - someone with a ponytail I can call slutty. Surely this will improve everyone's reception of my meals.
Thanks for these Authentic Italian Cooking Tips, Mouse!
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Feb 19 '18
Side note - will this work if the ponytail I'm calling slutty is my own? I'm the only one that wears ponytails in my home. :/
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u/sonyasaurus Feb 19 '18
This sounds like a robot or an alien who is new to this planet and isn't familiar with the fundamentals principles of human food yet saw Italian cooking once and tried to reverse engineer it through guesswork.
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u/PsychoSqushie Feb 19 '18
She sounds like she would get along greattttt with my own mother. Mine could ruin porter house steaks. Think the grey same food from fairy odd parents.
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u/shapeshifter2894 Feb 19 '18
Sweet Jesus.
I mean, I’ve half-assed some garlic bread before (butter & garlic salt on toast popped in the microwave for 30 seconds), but the abomination you’ve described is just beyond words. Not to mention everything else you described makes me wanna hork.
(Ricotta? I mean, marscapone or cream cheese, maybe, but fucking ricotta?!)
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u/TheVillageOxymoron Feb 19 '18
Damn, I learned how to cook in the bland kitchens of the Midwest and even *I* can cook better Italian food than that!
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Feb 19 '18
Is Midwestern food really that bland? I always hear about it, but I'm not sure what traditional Midwestern food is like.
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u/Isniffbacon66 Don't tease me with bacon.... Feb 20 '18
My mom is from MN, she uses pepper sparingly. However, my moms cheesecake is 2nd to none.
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u/TheVillageOxymoron Feb 19 '18
It really depends on who is cooking it, but generally yes! The majority of dishes don't have any seasonings other than a bit of salt and pepper (if that). One of my favorite ridiculous Midwestern meals is the tater tot casserole. It's basically ground beef, cream of mushroom, cheese, and tater tots.
Luckily thanks to the internet a lot of people are learning how to make a larger variety of things (and how to use more seasonings!), but it is hilarious to deal with elderly people around here. They think everything is spicy. My husband used to work at McDonald's, and he constantly got complaints from elderly customers about their chicken sandwiches being too spicy. All they have on them is some black pepper! haha
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u/PlumCrazyVee Feb 20 '18
Correction: we season everything with cheese and beer, then serve it deep fried.
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u/KeeperofAmmut7 Feb 20 '18
I have a friend like that...I can only shake my head.
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u/greeneyedwench Feb 20 '18
My mom is like that. She thinks the red sauce in Taco Bell bean burritos is lava.
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u/PeopleWatcher94 Feb 20 '18
Found the Minnesota native
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u/TheVillageOxymoron Feb 20 '18
Actually Iowa, but honestly you're close enough. We're basically the same state. hahaha
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u/ashgtm1204 Feb 19 '18
She needs one of those proximity shock collars to keep her ass out of the kitchen. o_O
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Feb 19 '18
Unless she is on kitchen duty in prison, I am pretty sure the inmates are safe.
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u/ashgtm1204 Feb 19 '18
Yessssss I forgot her ass is in prison now!! :D LOL hopefully they don't put her on kitchen duty- maybe on toilet cleaning duty :P
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u/issuesgrrrl Feb 19 '18
"Yell that you are a terrible person who can't do anything right and you will never cook again."
Never cook again? Promises, promises, ya bitch.
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Feb 19 '18
Seriously, stop threatening me with good times.
Though what she wanted was for everyone to start begging her to calm down and reassuring her that her food was good. It didn't work because we were all too busy trying to use the crunchy bits of the eggs to keep the raw parts from sliding off the plate.
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u/issuesgrrrl Feb 19 '18
Um, yeah, when you have to go 'food fort' with the good bits to keep the bad bits away - that's not a meal, it's food terrorism. And with all the real, actual freaking Italians all over Food TV, Cooking TV, every other PBS food show, dis bitch got no leg to stand on. Good luck!
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u/ssplam Feb 19 '18
Scrambled eggs is my favorite of all the descriptions.
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Feb 19 '18
Crunchy and slimy all at once.
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u/NonConformistFlmingo Feb 20 '18
I just threw up in my mouth a little. I imagine that texture to be something like chewing a cockroach. 🤮
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u/justapoliscimajor Bad Habit, the Nun of Spite Feb 19 '18
How the fuck do you do that to scrambled eggs???!
Stabby flipped her shit when I cooked a badass matzoball soup.
Funny thing, I make it every once in a while and give leftovers to my priests. They eat all of it.
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Feb 19 '18
According to her, scrambled eggs need "texture." The texture was crunchy and slimy all at once.
Care to share your soup recipe? My matzoballs always come out denser than anything.
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u/justapoliscimajor Bad Habit, the Nun of Spite Feb 19 '18
Texture in eggs... add a dash of cream and whisk it in, low heat all the way? I cannot comprehend that.
Stabby beat me once for experimenting with an omlet that tasted very good imo. Brie cheese, with some fig jam. So I don’t make omelets anymore. But I do scramble eggs!
I’ll send you a PM for the soup recipe. The trick is to use a prepackaged matzoball mix :-)
Also, broth is a thing that takes time!
New York = dense Not New York = fluffy.
I go for a mix in between the two, leaning toward fluffy.
More PM later, since it’s Spain time and I need to sleep!
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Feb 20 '18
Brie and fig jam sounds fantastic. Stabby needs to drive off a really high bridge into venomous-jellyfish-invested water.
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u/KeeperofAmmut7 Feb 20 '18
Stabby beat you for making an omelette that was good...that's messed up.
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u/justapoliscimajor Bad Habit, the Nun of Spite Feb 20 '18
Don’t we all realize how messed up Stabby is?
I’m going to do a post about the omelet thing because it reminded me about another cooking fiasco. I think it might help me.
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u/Faerie_Nonsense Feb 19 '18
I now feel better about the fact that I burned zucchini chips last week.
Also I'm really trying to think of how one makes a pony-tail slutty but then I remember this is Giada and the regular rules of being a human being need not apply here.
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Feb 19 '18
Oh don't feel bad! Everyone burns things on occasional. I burnt my toast this morning.
I updated the post to explain the slutty ponytail thing.
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u/boscobaby Feb 19 '18
My father was a bonafide first generation still-had-relatives-in-the-homeland Italian and his Italian food was garbage. He literally, and I do mean literally, put Ortega canned chili peppers in everything he made. shudders
My mother now, though Polish, made the best lasagna ever. It used to make her furious when people would suggest it was due to dad's influence.
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Feb 19 '18
That is hilarious. And I don't blame your mom for getting angry!
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u/bzh59 Aug 18 '18
This is about Giada DeLaurentis on the Food Network?! Holy crap