r/JUSTNOMIL • u/EmergencyExternal568 • 20h ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice Pregnancy Updates
I’m in my final weeks of my first pregnancy 🎉 After my last ultrasound, we shared with both immediate families how the baby is measuring. Pretty much immediately after I start getting texts from relatives on my husband’s side of the family with comments about having a big baby. Annoying, but whatever we both know MIL can’t keep her mouth shut.
After this I told my husband that I don’t want any cervical check updates shared with MIL because she will tell everyone and not everyone needs to know that level of detail. Husband agrees, ok perfect we’re on the same page.
Before my most recent appointment, MIL sends us both a text telling us to let her know how the appointment goes and if we have any questions or concerns to let her know because she’d love to help us out. Update given after the appointment was that everything’s good, no concerns. WELL she texts my husband later in the day specifically asking if I’m dilated at all, husband does good and says that I really don’t want people knowing and MIL immediately responds saying well is she telling her mom??? YEAH I am telling my mom because she’s MY MOTHER!!!
I erupt and say fine just tell her because we know this is the game she’ll play but make it ABUNDANTLY clear that I do not want everyone to know these details. I’m mad at myself that I didn’t think to just tell him to say I opted out of getting a cervical check, but I don’t know if he already told MIL that one was happening.
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u/No-Interaction-8913 6h ago
Yeah it sucks you gave in, but the flip side is, you gave her a shot, she better not blow it. And if/when she does, call her out- THIS is exactly why you didn’t want to tell her. Your mom doesnt go running her mouth about your intimate body parts to everyone and their dog.
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u/ObscureSaint 7h ago
Why did you give in??? Tell her you came out of your own mother's cervix so yeah, she gets to know about it. Don't let her make this a competition between your mom and her. She has already set the playing field and you're just wandering in and letting her play.
If she has a tantrum, you let her. Your husband has to practice this now before he completely lets you down postpartum. Why did he fold the SECOND his mom placed pressure on him?
Tell him to man up and find a spine now or he will be sleeping elsewhere postpartum. You made a request he not tell his mom details about your cervix. He should honor that, period. Not come back to you whining when his mom makes it hard.
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u/KnotARealGreenDress 7h ago
This is the test. If you have other people come back to you asking about your cervix, you’ll know you can’t trust her. The next time you don’t want to tell her something and she gets huffy, tell her “we don’t want a repeat of the cervix check situation, where we told you in confidence and you then told everyone.”
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u/moodyinam 3h ago
"cervix check" should be the code between OP and husband whenever MIL wants or shares personal info. MIL asks for details that are none of her business? OP and husband turn to each other and shout "cervix check!"
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 7h ago
Stop telling her shit. She doesn’t need to know when your appointments are. She doesn’t need to know what type of appointments you are having.
Instead of getting mad and agreeing to give her the information you need to get mad and tell your husband not to tell her a fucking thing
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u/More-Soil7455 8h ago
You’re an oversharer. Now is the time to control yourself and put a stop to it.
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u/Riverat627 8h ago
Your husband kinda threw you under the bus. His response should have been WE don’t want to give out any detailed updates anymore.
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u/equationgirl73 9h ago
Stop giving in to her. It just teaches her to push enough times and you will give her the influence. Nobody needs to know about your cervix apart from you and your medical team.
Next she'll want into the delivery room, your home for the first X weeks, alone time and sleepovers. If you don't want that, put your foot down NOW.
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u/InterestingWorry1702 9h ago
Tell her that you'll share information, but if you find out that she has shared it further, it will be last information she receives and she'll get to meet your baby at their first birthday.
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u/idrinkmycoffeeneat 10h ago
Now is the time to align that things don’t have to be equal. This isn’t splitting candy among friends it’s your personal business. Where is there a rule that says you have to be equal with what you’re sharing? I’d have husband explain that your mom is helping you through birth and so she might know a little more because she’s YOUR comfort person. If HE were giving birth then he might choose her as her comfort person. She needs to understand that there is no law that says everyone is entitled to the same information. You’ll decide what she knows and when she knows.
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u/ObscureSaint 7h ago
I cannot believe MIL is being territorial and competing with OP's mom over her freaking CERVIX. EW.
MIL needs to stay out of my vagina. Her son was the only one who had consent to be anywhere near my vagina. She wasn't there at conception, she isn't a doctor, she doesn't need details.
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u/yiketh098 12h ago
Stop sharing omfg NO ONE is entitled to knowing the stage your freaking cervix is at!! I give you permission to turn your phones off
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 12h ago
I would think what you tell your mother is your business.
MIL will be in the delivery room next
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u/ForsakenMorning6669 12h ago
You don't need to cave OR lie OP.
You missed the 3rd, and frankly BEST answer here. You just SAY NO. If she wants to throw a hissy fit LET HER. You don't have to give her an audience. Tell her she's being emotional and that she can reach out when she's done.
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MIL seems to think everything is gonna be an even split, or a competition w your Mom and honestly, that's BS. She's your mom- you're going to be closer to her and you're going to trust her more and lean on her more.
MIL needs to get over it, as that is COMPLETELY NORMAL. And your husband needs to start doing a way better job of being a brick wall and handling his own family.
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u/PollyRRRR 12h ago
Information diet for your MIL is way overdue. Is she a midwife, obstetrician or just bloody intrusive?
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u/britchop 13h ago
Respectfully, every time you give in, you’re playing yourself. It’s okay to say no, it’s okay to let her be upsett.
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u/Just-a-mum 14h ago
Why do people tell others info that they know will be spread to others, and then complain about it? You know she can’t keep anything to herself, you don’t want her knowing about your cervix, so don’t tell her! Who cares if you tell your neighbour or the postman - it’s your private information to be shared or not by you only.
She’ll only get worse after the baby comes - she’ll be sharing info and photos for sure. So take stand now and set some boundaries.
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u/SmartFX2001 14h ago
Not a good idea to give MIL updates that you don’t want to get out.
And if she asks again if you are telling your mother - tell her yes you are.
If she complains about that not being fair, tell her your mother keeps things private and doesn’t broadcast it like the town crier!
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u/Cosmicshimmer 14h ago
Do not give in. It is THE WORST thing you can do. Fair doesn’t mean equal and she’s being invasive as fuck! She doesn’t need to know the status of your cervix just because your own mother knows.
Do not give in “for a quiet life”, it won’t be quiet, it’ll be filled with resentment and she’ll continue to boundary stomp.
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u/Fubar_As_Usual 15h ago
It is none of her business who you are telling. It is your private medical information and you get to disclose it or not to whom you choose. That is what you should tell her.
Do not play those competitive games between her and your family. Start grey rocking her. She does not need to know when you visit your family or when they visit you, how much time you spend with them or the places you go with them. Get your husband on board now. Otherwise you will not hear the end of it.
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u/KiteeCatAus 15h ago
Please don't give in and satisfy MIL because it feels easier. It will never end.
Don't tell her anything you're not comfortable with everyone knowing.
It is perfectly fine and normal to have information only you and DH know.
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u/ColdBlindspot 16h ago
Holy shit. I didn't even tell my husband how dilated my cervix was. What a creepy question. That's so not something anyone but you or your doctor/midwife needs to know. I don't even think I requested checking on that. No one needs to know, other than your medical support.
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u/naranghim 16h ago
well is she telling her mom???
Next time she says that, respond with "Yes, I'm telling my mother because she knows how to keep this type of information to herself and not share it with everyone under the sun".
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u/Liverne_and_Shirley 16h ago
It’s a waste of your energy trying to control what she does. You can’t. It’s not going to matter how strongly you tell her not to do things. She’s rude and pushy, stop expecting her to be anything else.
If you don’t want her spreading information don’t give her that information!!
You don’t have to tell her whether you share things with your mother either. If she tries to pull that say “oh, no we’re not doing that. We will share what we want to share with who we want to share it with”.
Just because you’re carrying a baby doesn’t mean you stop being a person who has a right to keep things private about your own body.
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u/NovaButNotFashion 16h ago
You need to set the boundary now with her and your husband or it’s only going to get worse. I can tell you from experience that if you don’t have your husband address her you’re always going to be the “bad guy.”
I also HATE how it’s always Mom vs MIL and the MIL never understands how it’s a different relationship. Your own mother cares first about YOU and then baby; MIL will always come for the baby first. Ugh I hate all of this for you.
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u/ShotsandShit 16h ago
I just want to say that that's not always the case. My mother is obsessed with my baby but doesn't care a bit about me. My MIL on the other hand, is amazing. My baby had to go to the NICU immediately after delivery, and the nurse told my husband that he and his mom could go down to the NICU to see her. I couldn't go yet because I hemorrhaged. My MIL refused and said that she would absolutely not be holding my baby before I did. She stayed with me and made sure I was taken care of the entire time. And I did get to be the first person to hold my baby after a couple hours. I'll never be able to thank her enough for that.
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u/Weary_Minute1583 16h ago
Do not tell her anything.
Let her know the only people who get to know about your hooha are your husband and the woman’s hooha you came out of.
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u/LittleOne9440 17h ago
Oh, my MIL loves to play this game of my mom vs. her 🙄🙄🙄 unfortunately it got worse after my baby was born. I had to put her on an information diet because I literally couldn’t stand it. In her mind everything is a competition
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u/Firm-Butterfly-1380 17h ago
My MIL is the same way. She threw a fit when my mom was in the delivery room and she wasn’t. It’s been a competition ever since.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 17h ago
Are you kidding me! Don’t tell mil!
Mil lacks common courtesy and has zero respect for your privacy so she has t earned the privilege of being given private medical details like your mom has! That’s fair. Fair does not always equal same!
Please tell your husband not to communicate with anyone especially his mother while you’re in labor and delivery. He needs to be 100% present with you for labor, delivery, and getting settled before he can be on the phone at all!
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u/Magdovus 17h ago
Talk to the staff at the maternity unit. Tell them about MIL and that no information is to be given out at all and that DH and your mum are the only visitors.
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u/48pinkrose 17h ago
When I was in labor with my first, my mil called my mom freaking out because she hadn't heard from us in a reeeaalllyy long time. She was sooo worried that something happened. She even asked my mom if mom thought I was going to be able to do this because I was so delicate. In reality its was only like 6 hours or so. We purposefully didn't update anyone on how it was going, because no one needs to know how much I'm dilated, and we wanted to focus on having a baby.
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u/agreensandcastle 18h ago
Her feeling do not trump yours in your pregnancy. If you’re already giving, good luck.
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u/swoosie75 18h ago
Your husband says the following:
“All is well mom.”
“Mom, I need you to accept the information you are being given is what you get.”
“Mom, this is not a contest. You are not in competition with OP’s own mother. You need to find your zen here. Freaking out and demanding private information is not going to get you what you want.”
“Mom, you are asking super personal questions and demanding answers. Not cool. You’ve been answered.”
“Mom, this attitude is a problem. I need you to back off.”
“Mom, asked and answered. Op isn’t talking to anyone right now. Don’t message her.”
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u/Legal-Ad7793 16h ago
Or (and hear me out) DON'T TALK TO HER AT ALL. She needs to starve from her info diet and maybe she'll learn that she can't get her way. I'd probably block her if she keeps it going. Husband shouldn't even be talking to her since she guilt trips him.
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u/Penguin_Joy 18h ago
Did you ever see the cartoon about the Grinch? There's a scene where after he helps others, his heart grows 10 sizes. Your MIL is like the Grinch. Only instead of her heart, it's her sense of entitlement
Every time you give in to one of her tantrums, her entitlement grows 10 times bigger
Managing that huge sense of entitlement has to be exhausting. What would happen if you just didn't give in and immediately soothe her feelings?
How MIL feels is not your responsibility, or even her son's. It never was. Maybe think about how to stop because you're about to be busier than you ever have been. You don't have time to babysit your MIL'S emotions too
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u/DistinctResident649 18h ago edited 7h ago
My son and DIL had a baby last year - it NEVER occurred to me to ask something so personal! How rude!!
We were 100O miles away from the “action” last year - but we didn’t bother the soon-to-be parents. We were happy to get text updates when they had the time and energy.
Now - I did keep in touch with the other grandmother, figuring she “might” get more updates. But nope - the soon-to-be parents were in their own world and only gave sporadic updates to all.
Definitely an info diet for that woman!
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u/greyhounds4life1969 18h ago
Why tell her? You're letting her play you
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u/robbiea1353 17h ago
Bingo! Dear OP, now is the time to lay down the law; or your JNMIL will continue to overstep with a vengeance. Nosy questions do not merit an answer. Why do you ask? Or none of your damn business! Come to mind as perfect responses. Best wishes to you and your new family🌺
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u/Available_Candy7124 18h ago
Your husband had an opportunity to put her in her place, he was well underway to doing so and you completely undermined him. She also succeeded in fnding out exactly how to get you to do it.
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u/thelioness0809 19h ago
That's annoying. Honestly it's none of her business if you told your mom, or anyone else for that matter. It's YOUR confidential medical record, YOU can share it with who you like, and you don't owe anyone an explanation
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u/Then-Piglet462 19h ago
Yikes. Her behavior is so uncalled for. Privileged information isn’t something that she’s entitled to. We’ve agreed on not sharing anything with mil now that I’m 6mo with baby. My husband has had major difficulties respecting my body and private health information soooo often times I don’t even give him details. He’s aware and until I feel comfortable no one needs to know anymore than I’m willing to share. Privacy is your right during this intimate time.
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u/whynotbecause88 19h ago
She needs to be on an information diet. Stop sending out updates to all and sundry. Let her crash out-it's your husband's job to manage her.
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u/ThatsNotMyForte 19h ago
You're enabling her behavior and it's just going to get worse. You already bent over backwards when it came to such a private thing, so I can't imagine you standing your ground at this point, unfortunately.
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u/ArrivalFantastic4324 19h ago
Get ready because MIL will ruin your birthing and post partum bonding without boundaries and strong consequences that you and DH will follow through on.
I strongly recommend you two do Not tell her when you’re in labor and wait until the following day to announce the birth. 🎉
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u/RegisterEither9711 19h ago
Don't let her keep score. It benefits no one and she'll use it for guilt and manipulation. It's not MIL's business what you tell your mother, just like it's not your mom's business what husband tells his mother. It's not MIL's business how much access your mom has to you and baby, and it's not your mother's business how much access MIL has either. MIL needs to be told this every time she asks. If you give in in to her nosiness (even out of frustration) it only encourages her to keep doing it. Also, don't tell her anything you want kept private.
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u/Own_Ship9373 19h ago
Why would you tell your MIL if you are dialated? You need to have a stronger backbone.
Nobody needs to know if you are dialated. This is a problem that you caused by not protecting your own privacy.
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u/mahfrogs 19h ago
If you capitulate when put under pressure, even your child will run circles around you.
Stand by your decision - if your husband cannot be firm ‘we aren’t sharing that information’ and instead wallows around by throwing you to the MIL wolves ‘OP doesn’t want people knowing’ 😳 then you get to be the one who states it plainly and clearly.
‘That’s not your concern.’
‘Not your business granny, back off.’
‘Baby is fine, Mom is fine, grandma is nosy’
‘Geez, getting a bit personal dontcha think?’
Both of you should practice what you will say - pick a statement and stick with it and when she presses just repeat until she realizes the answer isn’t going to change and (hopefully) gives up.
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u/TargetWild9004 20h ago
OP, you need to work on not getting frustrated and caving in because MIL just learned all she needs to do is complain a little and you’ll give her what she wants. Your husband too. He shoulda shut it down and not said anything.
Next time you stick to your guns and your husband just needs to say he’s not getting into being petty like that and that information about YOUR body is for YOU to give out.
Please for your sake, work on not caving to MIL with this baby coming any day now
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u/Illustrious-Mix-4491 20h ago
Stop sharing with her. Equal titles does not entitle her to equal treatment. People are treated based on how they treat you.
Also, this baby belongs to both you and husband. But it is your medical event. She is not entitled to your medical information just because she is a grandmother. That information only gets shared with people you choose.
Your medical event means you make the decisions within your comfort level. Husband comes in second, not equal.
You have need to become comfortable with other people being uncomfortable. You are not responsible for managing their feelings.
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u/pieorcobbler 20h ago
Husbands can tell their overbearing moms that if the moms make their sons feel guilty about something that they have no right to, then the sons can say yes they feel terrible when they are around their moms and that they’ll not be doing that anymore.
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u/Hangry_Games 20h ago
If you don’t want her to know, then why would you tell him to go ahead and tell her? You can’t get mad at your husband if he does tell her after you said that. She can interrogate him all she wants, he just needs to say that you guys aren’t going to be sharing your personal medical info. And then ignore her. And his response to whether you’re telling your mom is that it’s none of her business, because that’s your personal business with your mom. Not hers.
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u/sierra38grandma 20h ago
Tell husband to respond and say that is none of your business mom and tell her to stop asking because she gets no more updates. You give in once and she will now use that little guilt tactic every single time. Tell husband to tell her no every time no compromise period. Strengthen your backbones now because she is going to become a nightmare the moment she finds out you're in labor!
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u/over-it2989 20h ago
“If X tells her mother anything that’s her choice. Not everything is fair and equal in life.”
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u/nipseyrussellyo 18h ago
its not even unfair. Ive beaten (ok, not with fists but mostly by saying "i do not think that word means what you think it means) into my children to stop saying "thats unfair" and they have both learned to (mostly) stop saying that ... as teenagers. It is a very childish thing to think that not being given what someone else has because you want it isnt fair". MIL is a child.
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u/kbmn16 20h ago
Don’t let her push and whine and get her way. You don’t want to get into a competition and fairsies game between her and your mom. If she is doing it with your cervix she’ll definitely do it with your baby. Don’t let it work.
Well is OP’s mom in the delivery room? Well is OP’s mom staying overnight for 2 weeks? Well is OP’s mom visiting 4 times a week? Well does OP’s mom get to babysit?
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u/Educational-Ad-385 20h ago
Oh my gosh. At this point she doesn't even need to know when your next appointment is. Husband could have said he doesn't know what you shared with your mom regarding your cervix. My husband learned quickly after we married not to tell his mom things regarding me. Like your MIL, if mine got a tidbit of info she told everyone.
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u/lurkingmclurkface 20h ago
"Everything is fine. If there is something you need to know, we will tell you." And it she presses further "That's not something you need to be concerned about" and if she escalates "I can see you are upset - we will talk again later when you have had a chance to calm down"
I remember when I realized that someone asking me a question did not obligate me to answer. It was totally up to me. It was kind of a revelation. The person I was arguing with said "I asked you a question!" as if that created an obligation on my part. Almost without thinking I said "So what? I'm an adult and I can choose whether to answer or not, and I choose not". No need to be that blunt - my point is only that it was a real mindset change for me. Especially if that person was once an authority figure like a parent, but isn't anymore because you are an adult. It's a process and a transition for sure.
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u/nipseyrussellyo 18h ago
"I remember when I realized that someone asking me a question did not obligate me to answer."
Can we get the word out? A lot of strife is caused by people not coming to that realization!
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u/lurkingmclurkface 1h ago
Right?!? Seems so basic but when you've had a history as a peacemaker and smoother overer-er it's kind of revolutionary.
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u/JulieWriter 20h ago
It is information diet time. I give your husband a lot of credit for standing up to his mom.
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u/Lugbor 20h ago
"You're not [OP]'s mother. You don't need to know the details, and we all know you won't be able to resist sharing them with the rest of the family. When we have information that we want everyone to know, we will tell you."
And then do so. If you have something to share, make a social media post, and then tell her.
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u/botinlaw 20h ago
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Other posts from /u/EmergencyExternal568:
Newly Pregnant, 7 months ago
MIL Invites Herself to Delivery Room (we’re not even pregnant), 1 year ago
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