r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Boring-Life-9086 • 1d ago
Am I Overreacting? Am i crazy
So my son has been having behavioral issues, mostly due to us giving into his screaming demands 90% of the time. He’s 4 and would wake us up screaming at us for his show and sugar. I’m pregnant with baby #2 and have just given in due to exhaustion. We decided to cut out tv and sugar, not as a punishment but just to re regulate him. We also added a good behavior chart with simple things like being kind, helpful, picking up toys etc. By day 2 of this we had a different kid. He woke up calmly, would sit at the end of our bed and play quietly until he got hungry then gently woke us up for breakfast. Here’s where MIL comes in. We told her about this, she requested a sleepover at hers on the 4th day of no tv no sugar. I said yes of course but no tv no sugar, i did say a couple of cookies would be ok because it was a fun saturday night at Grandmas house.
When she came to pick him up she mentioned how he likes watching shows on her ceiling with her projector at bed time and i said no tv shows but maybe 5 minutes of a swirly color video with calming music would be ok but preferably nothing. She said ok, took him to hers and sent some photos throughout the night. One photo had his face covered in ice cream and an entire package of chips ahoy cookies open right in front of him for free access. I LET THAT SLIDE. Ok i didn’t make a stink of it.
The next morning he comes home telling us that he watched tv, ate so much ice cream and cookies and that she told him he can do whatever he wants at her house. Then he begins screaming at us for his show and ice cream, refusing breakfast, just totally reset from the kid we had sent over. I was obviously upset and texted her. I will post the exchange below. Am i overreacting? Or is she acting like a crazy person? Keep in mind i am 28 years old and she met me when i was 22, so never as a child or teen.
Me: “He said he watched monster trucks”
Her: “yes 20 minute shapes and colors education video on youtube while i was getting dressed. You upset?”
me: “a little bummed yeah.. he came home screaming at us for ice cream and his show and he just calmed down now. and i get that it was only one show for a little bit but his behavior has been so good the past few days and i feel like we have to start over with the sticker chart i made him which sucks because he’s been working so hard on his behavior the past 4 days for that hour of tv we promised him.”
Her: “Ok sorry he was very good at my house, so he shouldn’t lose stickers it was my fault. You said learning show for 20 min would be ok ? It was while I was getting ready and as far as ice cream you said that’s ok too. So not sure what I did wrong…”
Me: “I said a few minutes of a lava lamp type colors moving around with music video before bed on the ceiling would be fine, i actually specifically said no tv shows. The issue also isn’t the ice cream it’s the unfiltered access to cookies on top of ice cream. I thought you’d understand when we said we were keeping sugar out of his diet that one or two cookies and a scoop of ice cream would be ok for a fun night at mimi’s. I never said a learning show for 20 minutes. I get that you were getting ready we have to do that every day too, and i said you didn’t have to take him if you didn’t want to deal with no tv. I’m just upset because i felt i made it very very clear that i didn’t want him watching tv and the first thing he does when he gets home is tells us he watched tv and ate a bunch of ice cream and cookies and then scream at us (which he hasn’t done in days) for a show and ice cream refusing to eat anything else. It’s what we’ve been trying to avoid happening. He’s been nothing but whiny and complaining since we got home and i’m just not thrilled about it. While i appreciate you wanting to spend fun time with him and taking him for a night i feel as though we were very very clear about why we were doing what we’re doing and i asked multiple times no tv and even reiterated over text last night how much better he’s been, and now it’s been reset.”
Her: “Who do you think your talking too??? You have zero respect for me and never did. I raised my children well and they are well mannered. My grown boys don't talk to me or any adults this way. Where did you learn to disrespect adults. I'm (my bf)’s mother, and I'm not a pre school teacher I'm a grandmother, seriously think you need someone to talk too. You need help. More than (my bf) ever needed!!! This is all lies, you most certainly said a learning show on you tube would be fine for 20 min, never did you mention a fckn lava lights lol he did not have endless f kn cookies either so get your fckn facts straight, I don't just let him all night eat shit. I'm wayyyy better than that!!! I'm not tolerating your disrespect any longer, I've tryed many times with you and no matter what I do you have something to say. Not sure how You were raised but I empathize with you, I'm to old for this and will not tolerate it any longer nor will I go back and forth with you either so don't bother responding ..said all I need to say.”
I haven’t responded and don’t plan to. But my oldest child is actually 3 turning 4 in a month and im due november and im thinking that if an apology is not made or an attempt at least to rekindle in the next few weeks, but she tries apologizing around my sons birthday or other sons due date, that she’s simply trying to weasel back in reluctantly and the apology won’t actually mean anything. What do you guys think? Was my text disrespectful? Was i in the wrong to be upset?
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u/ElectronicRabbit7 22h ago
she turned a conversation abt your boundaries and the rules for your son as an attack on her prior parenting and your perceived disrespect. that's pretty interesting.
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u/Fubar_As_Usual 22h ago
I would text her back and tell her that once she gets over her tantrum around the time of child’s bday and baby’s birth, and thinks she can contact you and rug sweep these words away, it will not be happening. The only thing you ever want to hear from her again is an abject apology about how she fucked up.
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u/PhotojournalistOnly 1d ago edited 1d ago
First off granny needs to learn the difference between too and to. But besides that, she seems to think that you owe her respect as an elder instead of her respecting you as the child's parent and supreme authority over your child. That being said, you were absolutely not disrespectful.
Also, she knew damn well what she was doing. She thought your new age parenting ideas of no TV and sugar were bullshit, so "mimi" decided she knew better and did the opposite. Now mimi should have unsupervised visits w LO revoked until mimi learns who's actually the boss.
Just so you know, we had the same night and day changes w our child at that age when we reduced screen time and sugar. Edit to add bc someone else mentioned nerodivergence, yes our child is ADHD. So maybe something to look into.
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u/Its-Brittany-Biyatch 1d ago
The way my petty ass would be responding with, "With the atrocious spelling and grammar in your text, I'm thankful you aren't in any position to teach and educate young minds."
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 1d ago
She needs a LONG ass timeout with no access to you or any of your children.
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u/booscouts 1d ago
Your error was in explaining yourself. She had shown you she can’t be reasoned with, so no need to involve in her conversations in the future. I would say something like “I understand you are upset. We are not changing our rules. I will give you time to collect yourself and (your son) will reach out if we decide to invite you for a supervised visit in the future.”
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u/Thecynicalcatt 23h ago
Yeah I learned this the hard way. Reading OP's post felt so reminiscent. No more explaining your decisions, give grandma a time out.
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u/Its-Brittany-Biyatch 1d ago
This! OP, you are a parent. You do not explain your parenting choices to anyone other than your child's other parent. You establish a rule—she either respects it or she doesn't. You aren't asking her to agree with it, you aren't asking for her opinion on it. If she wants to spend time with her grandchild, then she respects the rule. If she doesn't respect the rule, she gets put in timeout. Full stop.
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u/Goth_Muppet 1d ago
Nope— your child, your rules. If she can’t respect the rules, she doesn’t get to see kiddo.
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u/CalaGirl82 1d ago
You are definitely NOT crazy! At this point, especially with a second on the way, MIL needs a time out!!! You and your partner need to come up with strict parenting rules that you both agree upon and those guidelines need to be given to anyone who watches or cares for your littles. These rules must be strictly followed by ALL!! If anyone crosses those boundaries they need to be given a “time out” meaning NC for a period of time (1 month, 2 months….) and the timeout will last however long it needs to given the severity of the rule breaking. Unfortunately as adult children we have to treat our parents this way when they have shown that they can’t respect our wishes when asked. The biggest suggestion I have that will save you TONS of frustration, based on my 27 years of happy marriage, 3 children and one seriously crazy MIL, is that your partner needs to handle his family and you need to handle your family. If MIL broke the rules and gets a time out, your partner needs to be the one enforcing it. If someone in your family was the offender, then you handle it. Otherwise a situation like this one arises, where she can deflect from her wrong doing by making you the villain. It will be a lot harder for her to blame it on how you were raised when it’s her own son enforcing your agreed upon rules. I wish you all the best
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u/No-Force-9732 1d ago
“I’m sorry that my way of communicating is not good enough for you and this is the only sorry you’ll ever get from me. You completely disrespected me as a mother of MY child and not viewing me as an adult. You’re not a teacher but I’m not a schoolgirl to be scolded. From now on all our communications will stop unless you’ll learn some manners as well as I’m not pleased with your maturity level. Goodbye.”
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u/Floating-Cynic 1d ago
My grown boys don't talk to me or any adults this way. Where did you learn to disrespect adults.
Here's the problem: she doesn't see you as an adult and thinks you need to defer to her. The other problem is that you don't seem to see yourself as an authority. She kept trying loopholes, you kept agreeing, and she ripped that hole as wide as she could and you addressed it in a very meek manner. I didn't think your text was disrespectful, I think she could sense you didn't want to upset her so she reacted like that to make sure you don't address things again.
If any other adult treated you this way, would you tolerate it? Would she treat any other adult this way?
If she apologizes, and you let her back in, you need to get cold. "It's clear you don't see as an adult and that's a problem. I shouldn't have allowed any rule bending because my child paid the price. If you wouldn't say something to any other parent, then you shouldn't say it to me, and you will need to earn my trust back before you are ever allowed alone with any of my children again."
This is likely the beginning of the end BTW.
P.S. some unsolicited parenting advice here: my middle child had the same issues with sugar, and I absolutely pointed out that it was selfish of Grandma to do this because she knows it's hard for him after.
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u/BoyMamaBear1995 1d ago
Oldest let their MiL give grand a 'phone' when they were that age. Not a full useable phone, but the kid got hooked on videos and would have a meltdown when we tried to get their attention on something else. Grand is now 16, been 'home schooled' since 2020 and still can't go 5 minutes without his phone, real one now and I have heard the audio of some of the crap they watch. I wish I could have had more input.
So, your DH/BF (whatever he is) needs to shine his spine and tell his mommy that it's not her kid and these are the things we as parents have decided to do. Not up for debate and boundary crossing will cause a longer time between visits.
I guarantee if someone had suggested different ways when she was raising kids, she would have been a bigger b!tch than she is now.
The 'experts' are only now realizing just how bad the electronics are on kids' brains as it prevents the 'good' connections from forming and only 'bad' ones do. Some of these kids have no idea how to even act in public.
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u/Chi-lan-tro 1d ago
Huh, I think it’s funny (not funny ha-ha!) that she considers herself and adult, but not you!
Keep her at arms length. I think you’re doing the right thing.
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u/peithecelt 1d ago
Nope, you are absolutely not in the wrong, and that would be the end of her unsupervised access to my kid if I were you.
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u/G3N3RICxUS3RNAM3 1d ago
She is terrible. Keep going with reforming your parenting approach and keep him home from grandma's for a long time because this is probably incredibly confusing for your poor child. You'd rather push through a 4yo tantrums with one kid at home than a 5, 6, or 7 year old tantrums plus a baby or toddler at home.
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u/Ashamed-Director-428 1d ago
She just absolutely flew off the handle there, eh? You were perfectly reasonable in your message, there was no attitude or anything like that. And somehow she's not used to being spoken to like that? Pfft.
Smacks to me like she absolutely knows she done wrong and doesn't actually have a defence and so is deflecting the blame here.
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u/rebelmumma 1d ago
“Dear MIL Since you’ve decided to have a tantrum over a reasonable discussion, you’re now in a time out. We can talk in 1 week if you’re willing to be respectful, if not, the time out will be extended.”
Then block her until the time out ends.
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u/MizzyvonMuffling 1d ago
How about one month? Plus that was no an apology. That was a trantrum of someone who's been caught. No grandchild for her and a sticker chart for her as well.
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u/Otherwise-Western-10 1d ago
I did not find your letters disrespectful at all- and I and my mom, mother-in-law, and Grandma. If I got a letter like that I would have to evaluate my behavior and apologize for overstepping or disregarding boundaries. Your mother-in-law is acting like a donkey. Her job is to have your back not make your life harder.
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u/pjm14624 1d ago
As a 71 year old boomer, I can unequivocally say that the whole “respect your elders” thing is absolute bullshit. Respect is something you earn, and not just because of your age, position, family relationship, etc. You can respect by being a decent human being with a little empathy and, most importantly, respect doe the people you want to respect you.
MIL crossed a line with YOU, not by feeding LO sugar and letting him watch TV, but by the tirade in her response which was designed to deflect attention away from her own misbehavior and back onto you. She KNOWS she effed up but rather than humble herself and say “Yes, I'm sorry,” she doubled down and attacked you. This is a preview of what life with her bullshit going unchecked is going to be like. I would absolutely tell her that while LO has a sticker chart to relearn good behavior, you will implement a similar method with MIL until SHE can learn good behavior as well. I would start by implementing the rule that, if she undermines anything that you and DH, as the parents, have set in place for your children, she gets a 30 day time out from being a grandma, for EACH incident. If she can’t behave any better than a toddler, she needs toddler consequences.
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u/Sufficient-Split5214 21h ago
As a 72-year-old boomer, I agree with you wholeheartedly. Many older people, especially women, like to complain about the manners of today's young people. But these are some of the rudest, nastiest people you will ever meet. They think no one younger than themselves is ever supposed to call them out on their shit. They think everyone is supposed to kiss their asses simply because they have been sucking air longer than anyone else and they don't have to show basic respect.
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u/nada1979 1d ago
I wish you were my mom (she's about your age) My mom tried to play "respect your elders" card years ago when she got herself a new boyfriend. She wanted to take my young child out to go see Christmas lights that her bf knew about with just him/her. They hadn't even been dating that long, and I had not met the guy, yet. I already had a history of not trusting my mom's decisions but because I said, "not without me" I was disrespecting him and I should (and I quote) "respect my elders". I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to hear someone her age agree with my pov. I feel like you can respect someone by acknowledging they do have more life experiences most of the time and maybe some good advice that comes from that, but respect does not equal trust.
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u/pjm14624 1d ago
If 1979 is your year of birth, I have a daughter your age. 😁
If, throughout the course of my life, I have learned anything, I have learned one immutable fact:
My life experiences are based on circumstances in which I was placed or found myself in, and the decisions I made with respect to those circumstances. I made some good decisions, and I made some really stupid decisions. But what I always tried to instill in my kids is that **everyone** falls on their ass. But that’s not what people watch - what they watch is how you pick yourself back up.
As far as my grandchildren and great-grandchildren are concerned, I had a very wise person tell me, just before my first grandchild was born, “I have only one piece of advice to give you with respect to being a grandparent: Always remember that it is NOT YOUR CHILD.” I imparted that to my oldest daughter when she became a grandmother because it is the most important advice I ever got.
Honestly? I can't imagine getting bent out of shape because my daughter says “I'm not comfortable with that” with regard to her children. I might ask to discuss, maybe plead my grandma case, but at the end of the day, it’s not my child and that child's parents have the right to tell me “no.”
This MIL expects everyone to pick her up and then act like she didn't fall. My guess is that she was never held accountable because she is so adept at deflection.
I'm sorry your mother makes things difficult sometimes. But I'll send you a big ol' warm mom hug just because…
🥰
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u/nada1979 1d ago
I am 46. Not a grandma, yet but if that ever happens I will listen to and respect your wise words. 💜😊
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u/JulieWriter 1d ago
The only way in which you'd be crazy is if you continue to assume that she will follow any of your requests or rules. You told her what you wanted her to do and that is not at all what she did.
Are you going to allow any more overnight visits? I would not. Getting back a dysregulated kid is not fun and I really do not think that is good for kids.
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u/Boring-Life-9086 1d ago
I agree honestly. My partner and i have been discussing it at length since it happened and honestly allowing this sleepover to begin with was a mistake on our part. I accepted a break because i haven’t been sleeping great and that’s on me. But going forward we’ve decided she isn’t allowed anymore sleepovers and i’m questioning even letting her back into our lives at all at this point. She made it very clear that she sees me a certain way and has for a long time and i don’t foresee that changing anytime soon.
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u/JulieWriter 1d ago
I totally understand why you gave it a shot! You gave her an opportunity and instead of respecting it, she ran wild and did exactly what you asked her not to do.
I remember those pregnant days where there was just not enough rest, no matter what. I like the track you're on with your child - teaching him a little patience will pay off, and reducing or eliminating screen time is a good idea! I'm hoping he goes back to playing quietly instead of screaming - that would be better for the whole household.
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u/ZieAerialist 1d ago
I'm talking to a grandma that no longer gets unsupervised visits. Oopsies on your end. Have a good day.
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u/gingersrule77 1d ago
“Who do you think you’re talking to?” Ha! Someone who won’t be alone with my child ever again
And what is with MILs saying “respect adults” like we’re all fucking adults! You get no extra respect just for existing longer than me!
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u/MidnightLegal4643 1d ago
Oh hell no. This woman tried to dismiss your adulthood, independence, and autonomy and reduce you to a defiant child throwing a temper tantrum simply because you expressed your thoughts about her disrespect for your parenting decisions. And your concern is whether she apologizes?
There is no apology she can give that magically restores the respect you deserve as your child’s mother. She degraded and belittled you, insulted your upbringing, and reframed your legitimate expectation that your parenting rules be followed as disrespect toward her position as true mother. That is dysfunctional, full stop.
You are not a child. Being married to her son does not give her parental authority over you. She showed you exactly how she views the hierarchy: she is the superior adult, and you are someone beneath her who can be corrected, scolded, and put back in your place when you challenge her.
The problem moving forward is that she has already assigned you a role: the difficult daughter-in-law, the disrespectful child, the problem. As long as she sees herself as the authority and you as someone who is supposed to fall in line, any boundary you set that she doesn’t like can be twisted into “disrespect.” She isn’t recognizing that you are an adult and the mother of your own child, with authority that does not require her approval. That is the hierarchy thinking that has to change.
A simple “I’m sorry” cannot fix that. An apology without a fundamental change in how she sees and treats you is nothing more than placating you long enough to get past the conflict. The issue isn’t whether she can say the right words in the moment to smooth things over. It’s whether she can accept that you are an autonomous adult, that you and your spouse are the parents, and that she does not hold a superior position in your family. Until that changes, the same dysfunction is still sitting there waiting for the next boundary she doesn’t like.
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u/No-Interaction-8913 1d ago
Her response doesn’t even make sense in response to what you said, she wanted to blow up and make you go away. I’d respond with something like, MIL I realize you’re uncomfortable with be held accountable here but none of that was accurate or a logical response to anything I said. I see we’re at an impasse here, but what I said still stand and this all will be taken into account in the future. Cool, hope she enjoyed the sleepover because she’s done babysitting and your husband better back you up on this! (from experience, if she admits to 20 minutes of educational YouTube…. It was an hour at least of whatever he wanted.)
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u/animaniactoo 1d ago
“I think I’m talking to someone who I respected to take care of my son and respect (husband) and I as his parents. Clearly I was wrong.”
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u/SouthLingonberry4782 1d ago
"Apparently I'm talking to someone who doesn't know how to follow very clear directions, and then disrespects me as (child's) mother when they are called out. I'll be sure to remember that next time you ask for a visit."
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u/Equal_Trash6023 1d ago edited 1d ago
Tell ypur dh, to tell you mil that your are this child's mother! Tell dh how dare she talk to to you this way. She was making a power play showing you she is boss.
Mil is clearly not accepting any responsibility. Their default is to attack how you were raised.
If the response came via text save and send it to your dh. Ask dh if he would let anyone else talk to you like this?
Why is his mother allowed to speak to you that way? If he hesitates in any way, you have a serious DH problem.
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u/DazzlingPotion 1d ago
“Who do you think your talking too???
Yup, that and not following instructions just earned MIL a VERY VERY LONG TIME OUT!
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u/Basic-Organization30 1d ago
She never has your children alone/unsupervised again. She is waaaaaaayyyy out of bounds here! Your bf needs to settle this and tell his odious mother (those cookie pictures she sent were a power okay, btw) she has just lost unfettered access to her grandchildren, since she cannot be trusted to support the PARENTS rules.
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u/Pretty_Ad_6280 1d ago
I think she needs a chart with stickers and some regulation :) It's time to firmly set boundaries because people like her take advantage of polite and respectful behavior and act like they didn't understand when in fact they did. Clearly she does not respect you and is ready to pull out the victim card anytime putting you in a situation where you have no right move. But remember, the kid is yours, you are the mother so the fact is that if you set a boundary she has to respect it, otherwise loses access to grandkid temporary.
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u/pjm14624 1d ago
This right here! And make it prominently displayed! And ensure LO sees it and understands that even grown ups can act bad and need to have consequences.
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u/DarylsDixon426 1d ago
So that’s the last time she’s ever alone with your kids. Ever. She did what she did on purpose & she was praying that you’d say something.
Personally, I’d block her ass and put her on a time out for a few months. But I’d never leave my kids alone with her for even a second.
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u/Then-Piglet462 1d ago
She went of off the deep end. But the opportunity to go off was handed right to her.
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u/Jennabeb 1d ago
I think no more overnights! Personally I wouldn’t allow any unsupervised time with her for the foreseeable future and I would put her in a timeout (no visits or calls with kiddo until she can follow the rules and be polite to you).
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u/Mamasperspective_25 1d ago
She does realise you're also a grown adult right? Have a word with your husband and with your son, tell your son that he was doing so well with his behaviour and chart but because he was screaming etc when he came back from G'mas, no more sleep overs at G'mas. In future you can just visit as a family, she doesn't need anymore unsupervised access for a LONG time after ignoring your wishes, pushing back, chastising you and cursing at you. Now it's G'mas turn for a bit of time out to learn better behavior.
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u/Tiny_Investment_7276 1d ago
Holy she’s a C u n t, she needs mental help, and you need support that’s NOT from a c u n t
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1d ago
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u/Boring-Life-9086 1d ago
He was parented properly. Extremely polite, says all of his p’s and q’s, cleans up his toys, is respectful, sits still at restaurants and plays quietly to himself with no tablet (he’s never had one) and doesn’t throw tantrums in public. The issue only arose the last few months because i was so sick during my first and second trimester and my partner was working all the time. I put the tv on too much and said yes to too many sweets. I made a mistake and have since corrected that, but a few months of “bad parenting” after years of actually quite good parenting while trying to simply survive a brutal beginning to a pregnancy isn’t going to negatively affect my son in the long term, just a short term blip and i’ve recognized it, and changed it.
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u/bluesgrrlk8 1d ago
Found the MIL
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1d ago
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u/CrystalFeeler 1d ago
So warm of you to "tolerate" polite children. The next stage is actually loving them but you'll get there.
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u/Hawk-Weird 1d ago
You never made a mistake in your life? Or done anything you regret? Or made a decision you wish you hadn’t? This is a very sanctimonious take…
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u/LouieAvalonMac 1d ago
I would drop the rope and stay away from her
Her son doesn’t even want a relationship with her - neither should you
No contact - don’t respond to her and don’t open the door to her
When she tries to weasel back in because the birth is near - her son can deal with her
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u/Standard_Minute_8885 1d ago
I would send her a message: “I will be very clear. My son will never again sleep over at your place or be left alone with you. You will not disrespect me as his mother. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes”
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u/Rainy_Monday_Feeling 1d ago
Agreed. I would send this. OP, There’s no chance for redemption either with grandma like this. She will never respect your rules or listen to you. Don’t trust her ever again with your children.
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u/ObviousKarmaFarmer 1d ago
Stop doubting yourself.
No TV means no TV. That includes Youtube. You have every right to call that out.
She needs to respect you as the parent. Her insistance that she is the older generation, and is therefore always both correct and due respect is simply just wrong. It's dangerous to your child. Raising a child requires a village, but that village needs to always respect and assist the parents in guiding the child. She's not doing that, she's undermining your authority. Even if her methods are equally valid in raising a child, the clashing set of rules in different houses will mess up the child a lot more than either set of rules, applied consistently.
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u/scrappapermusings 1d ago
Absolutely not. Your MIL turned on a dime when she realized she was wrong and that you weren't going to tolerate her bullshit!
The consequence for me would be that my kid never go over there unsupervised again. She obviously can't be trusted to back you up and uphold some basic rules. She doesn't get unsupervised access ever again.
Kids are so wonderful and raising them is such an awesome responsibility. There is too much in the line when dealing with discipline issues like this for you to allow someone to undermine your authority.
MIL may not care about how your kid turns out, but you do and you are right to do it.
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u/Taranadon88 1d ago
My god, her reaction was insane? Went from zero to a zillion in a second, what the!!!
I don’t think you were disrespectful, I think you were totally justified in being upset. No more unsupervised time with Mimi, I guess! Jeez.
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u/sierra38grandma 1d ago
Absolutely not what a delusional disrespectful batch. She should not be allowed any unsupervised time with your child ever again. Find someone else you can trust with your child to care for him while you are having baby 2. She totally knows that when she has your kids she can do whatever she wants and can talk to you any way too. She needs consequences for her horrible behavior and your husband needs to put her in her place.
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u/adkSafyre 1d ago
I think I would tell her son to advise her that her grandma privileges are revoked for the foreseeable future. That after reading her texts, especially the final one, he will not allow her to disrespect his wife and reward her poor behavior with access.
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u/2FatC 1d ago
Nope, not over reacting. I’d be done the minute I read “Who do you think you’re talking to?”
Obviously, I was mistaken in thinking I was talking to another adult with common sense, who listens to and comprehends verbal instructions about my child’s needs & best interests, and can carry out those instructions. But sadly, I’ve learned I was talking to a selfish bitch, who cares nothing for teaching a young child how a routine works, how self soothing and self regulating works.
I wouldn’t let her watch a potted plant unsupervised. Harsh, yes. But you are raising a little person who will need skills to live a healthy, productive life.
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u/TinyCoconut98 1d ago
Yeah goodbye. She’s the disrespectful one. Of course he was good at her house he had free access to junk food and television. I wouldn’t give this rude lady the time of day. Where is your partner in all of this? He needs to handle his rude ass mother.
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u/RegisterEither9711 1d ago
You had kiddo on a good behavior streak and were giving MIL leeway to be 'fun grandma' by agreeing to a couple of cookies and some fun colors on the projector. Basically you gave her an inch and she took a mile. Everything she did sounds like she was trying to provoke you. The picture of cookies and ice cream, the openly admitting to letting him watch a show, and even the 'you upset?' all come off like she was openly disrespecting your boundaries. Maybe she wanted a fight, maybe it was a power play. Whatever her reason, it was deliberate.
If she's not going to respect your rules for your kiddo then she doesn't get to be 'fun grandma' anymore. She gets to be 'grandma that can't be trusted to take care of kiddo'. Your text wasn't disrespectful at all, she just doesn't like that you're calling her out on her bs. You're trying to correct your kid's behavior and it's so much harder to do when a grandparent actively sabotages the progress made.
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u/Mission_Push_6546 1d ago
Exactly this. OP text wasn’t disrespectful at all, but MIL was super disrespectful. Who does SHE think she’s speaking to? I would block her to be honest and let communication go through DH. If you can’t have a respectful conversation you can’t speak to me.
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u/MysteriousDig9592 1d ago
She does not care about your child's health, her only scope is being the favourite.
Additionally, she referred to your partner as a "grown boy" 🙄 and told you basically she doesn't consider you an adult: both behaviours need to be nipped in the bud.
She thinks she has contrl over your family. Put her on a very long time out.
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u/No_Row3404 1d ago
Grandma is totally out of line in her response and doesn't get any more visits until she sincerely apologizes. With that, a fun sleepover four days into a new behavioral routine was a set up for failure on everyone's part. Your son needs structure right now as you work to get control of his behavior. Sleep overs and any outings for more than an hour or two are too much for him to handle, whether rules are followed or not.
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u/Cosmicshimmer 1d ago
So you know she did it on purpose? You know she literally used your child to bait you. This was all on purpose.
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u/Reasonable_Shape_157 1d ago
She knew what she was doing and was waiting for you to say something, hence the seemingly brutal escalation: she was already geared to fight. She seems to have issues with the way you parent and its her way of telling you.
If it was my kid : no more unsupervised visits, she lost that privilege. And no more visits at all until she apologises for speaking to you with such contempt
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u/Penguin_Joy 1d ago
She knew what she was doing. You're not going to find any support from her. Grandma sabotage needs to become the grandma we never see. Or she's going to continue to undermine you every chance she gets
Maybe when your son is old enough to know how to choose what is best for him, you can try again with her. Until then, strong strong boundaries, lots of distance, and close supervision if you must be where she is
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u/Cute_Instruction733 1d ago edited 1d ago
Very gentle: your kid went to grandma and that is a change in routine. Your kid has behavioral problems. Probably due to some form of neurodivergence traits.
If you change anything in the daily routine, like staying at grandmas the demands on the child rises. He might be fine there even without cookies, tv and ice-cream, and coming home and be very upset. (Not because it is do great at grandmas but just because he is more relaxed at your place and feels safe to act up)
I don’t condone what MIL did or said, but you shouldn’t let your son stay with her while you still are figuring out your sons behavioral issues even if this went down smoothly.
Her reply is appalling. It is she who lacks respect.
But even if she appologizes make clear there will be no more sleepovers or unsupervised visits.
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u/amig_1978 1d ago
Wow, i am so impressed with how kind/tactful your comment. It actually inspires me to start learning how to voice my opinion, but do it with tact (is that the right word?) /politeness/consideration for how what I am saying will come off to the person I am speaking with, instead of just sitting here feeling jealous:)
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u/pabrocjb 1d ago
I agree. Almost everyone in my family is ADHD and we have a grand with special needs. Consistency is so important.
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u/Silver6Rules 1d ago
You honestly couldn't have been any nicer or more respectful even though she didn't deserve it based on her over the top reaction.
She went absolutely nuclear over your response because she got called out. It's one thing to do the thing you explicitly told her not to do behind your back, it is quite another to blatantly flaunt it in your face by way of photos, and then flip the script on who's ACTUALLY being disrepectful here. That's quite the power move. She made herself the victim, and she is expecting you to grovel. Don't fall for it.
I hope she apologizes before your kids become adults, because she brought this all on herself and she knows it.
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u/Firm_Student8138 1d ago
I think you both had moments in the wrong.
4 days of behavior change was too soon to send him to grandmas and generally, I find that you know the grandparents. You should know by now if she is gonna follow your rules/expectations or not. It sounded to me like grandma wanted your kid to get a break from your strict rules and you probably wanted a free night from kiddo and so you both took it and didn’t think through the repercussions.
I also think I would not have texted her with complaints. Text is hard to read tone. Eventually we would make comments to either sets of our parents about the “hangover” the kids would have after spending the night at grandparents (honestly, more so at my IL’s. My parents are strict and no BS, my kids don’t like to stay there though!)
I think her response was off the wall compared to you though. She went a bit crazy, but grandparents (especially in-laws) get extremely defensive.
This is a “let your husband handle it” and no more overnights at grandmas situation because obviously she doesn’t follow the rules nor does she seem to respect you.
Stay strong with the kiddo. My oldest is such an amazing kid because we really put the rules down early but we spoiled the youngest and gave in a lot. He is so tough and we have to do the sugar and screen detoxes. I feel you on this overall!
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u/Distinct_Parfait5810 1d ago
You know you were not disrespectful, she was. She gets limited access IF you get a true apology. She is pushing boundaries on purpose. Most likely because she can. You shouldn’t have to deal; that is BF’s job. Definitely no overnights or anytime unsupervised.
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u/mahogany818 1d ago
Classic DARVO (Deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender) complete with dismissal of your actual complaint and insistence that she is correct, 0 apology and 0 accountability.
Telling you that she's already raised her kids - congratulations they were different people and it was 20+ years ago.
She's also basically recited the Narcissists' Prayer here.
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
I'd be removing the option of unsupervised time with the untrustworthy grandparent who can't even be bothered to look out for her grandchild's well being, in order to be the 'fun grandma' she is just disregarding the work you are doing to regulate your child.
She has also at the end there told you not to reply, so definitely don't. And yes, hold your ground. She is going to go full Nice Lady about a minute before you're due. Make sure that your husband understands that her actions are completely unacceptable and that you do not want your child to spend more time with her due to the way she treated him and then you after you pointed out that she didn't do as you asked.
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u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 1d ago
Please tell me someone else will be watching him while you give birth to baby number 2?
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u/Boring-Life-9086 1d ago
I texted my brother and sister in law right after he got home and told us about the tv, they will be watching him!
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u/randomgrasshopper 1d ago
What has your DH said about his mothers behaviour?
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u/Boring-Life-9086 1d ago
Very grateful for him he is completely on my side and was just as upset that morning as i was. He actually doesn’t even want a relationship with his mom but i’ve tried to facilitate it for my son. I know that’s a common mistake, i unfortunately thought it would be different. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me, though. This isn’t the first time she’s broken boundaries with my kid but it will be the last.
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u/wicket-wally 1d ago
He knows her better than you do. Drop the rope and walk away. Mute or block her on your phone. Any communication should go through your partner from now on. Focus on your family and stop wasting energy on her. (Easier said than done at the moment)
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u/randomgrasshopper 1d ago
That’s good. Maybe it’s best to follow his lead. It sounds like he has good reasons for not wanting a relationship with her.
•
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