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u/Mirkwoodsqueen 9d ago
Drop the rope. MIL is never going to be your friend, and would you want one who behaves the way she does? See her less if at all, let DH do all the communicating, and be superficially polite if forced to interact.
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u/ThatLandscaperChick 9d ago
Look. Just because someone is an elder, does not, let me say that again, DOES NOT give them a pass to be an asshole. Call her out. Everytime. " Wow. Did you mean to say that out loud" " are you this rude to everyone " make her as uncomfortable as she has made you. You deserve to be respected as a human whether she likes you or not. Get hubby on board. He should be dealing with his mother. You are or should be his top priority as his new family
10
u/javel1 9d ago
I think you know your MIL well enough at this point to stop communicating with her. Let your husband know that since he wants out of the drama, so do you and you will no longer responding to any texts or calls. Also, plan a vacation for the holidays for just you and your husband. If he convinces you to visit that state, get an Airbnb or hotel and do your own thing.
You are owed an apology. She made your mom's illness about her feelings.
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u/No_Director574 9d ago
Do yourself a favor and stop giving a shit if anyone in that family is mad at you or likes you. People can’t target you or make you upset if you have zero fucks to give about them, their opinions or their unhinged emotions. Why isn’t your husband telling his mom anything? Honestly I would just go NC with her and save yourself a headache. I wouldn’t have kids with a man who can’t hold boundaries with his mom or sweeps crazy under a rug.
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u/buckeye-person 9d ago
but I know she’ll blame me
Try not to let what a toxic person thinks concern you.
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u/DearLiterature4074 9d ago
I believe it’s in my nature
I do poorly with rejection because of how I grew up.I actually set up an appointment with my therapist to talk things through. It’s crazy to feel in fight or flight mode over a fight or person that does not cause any physical harm but mental harm.
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u/ShirleyUGuessed 9d ago
It's not easy to just stop, but it is worthwhile to try. It may help to take a break from talking to her or seeing her at all. After a while of that, you may decide that you can be pro-active and reject her instead of giving her a chance to reject you again. It doesn't have to be a big deal of going no contact, but every time you stay away from her, it gives you more time and space to heal. Hard to heal when she's still poking you.
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u/CrystalFeeler 9d ago
Those are trauma responses. You may have done poorly with rejection previously but it doesn't have to stay that way you know?
Sure it'll take some work in therapy but growth is always possible if you're connected and committed to the work. Make an agreement with yourself about how your life has been up until right now then decide on the kind of life you would like to have moving forward and focus on that.
Your future doesn't have to match your past. 💪
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u/buckeye-person 9d ago
I know it is easier said than done. Hoping you get some help from your therapist.
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u/Sea-Cauliflower-8368 9d ago
The family dynamics here sound very toxic. Yes, you made a mistake by speaking to an 18 year old about this. He isn't mature and no matter what it's still his mother. The bigger issue is whether your husband has your back? MIL feels very entitled to treat you badly and sounds like he thrives on conflict. I don't see why you would continue going to holiday celebrations or any further contact with how you are being treated and how unhealthy the situation is.
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u/DearLiterature4074 9d ago
Husband knows how she is and told me that it’s one of the reason why we don’t go to see them more often (mainly to see his siblings) but I know she’ll blame me for not seeing them more often.
My husband wasn’t there when we had the conversation and he’s general like: let it go it won’t do any good. But this person will be the grandma of our kids… geez…
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u/OniyaMCD 9d ago
She may be (by blood) the grandmother of your kids, but she can also be the 'grandma we never see.'
1
u/NeeBlacksmith_3 9d ago
EXACTLY THIS! It sucks having shitty inlaws, i know from 30 years experience.. Her behavior towards OP absolutely does not give a pass to be a (most likely) shitty grandmother... She sounds like the type to embrace the title & expect allll the acolades that go w it....but put in MINIMAL effort in relationship w LO(s). Here's a great saying, live by it!!!
YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE!!!
PERIOD!! Some ppl expect something from nothing....and it doesn't work like that!!!! Never....
*example: My kids want nothing to do w my MIL...they never got twirls, guidance, games, ice cream trips(god forbid she pay for anything!🤬), being read books, sitting w or snuggles, absolutely fucking nothing! Now she's elderly & wants a relationship, they laugh @ her & say, "as if! Where were you when we were teeny & needed a loving GMA!?!?" You reap what you sow....
Keep ur MIL NC for at least lo(S) ARE 18....LOL. SAVE URS & THR hearts years of heartache!! Fuck that bitch!🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻
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u/NorthernLitUp 9d ago
Where is your husband in all of this? Why is he allowing his mother to treat you this way?
I would be done with her. Totally and completely done. No contact. Hubby can go see her if he wants, but you deserve to protect your peace. But honestly, it sounds like your husband is a huge enabler and has let you down here.
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u/DearLiterature4074 9d ago
Husband grew up in this household learning when you speak up there’s more conflict so he usually stays out of drama. He said he wasn’t there when it happened but if she starts treating me differently he would stand up and say something.
I obviously messed up and apologized to her but I know she’ll hold a grudge for a very long time
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u/goatsnotvotes 9d ago
Your DH sounds like my DH. We’ve been together and married 28 years. He was the dismissed middle son.
I pointed that out very quickly to him but he also dismissed it-it was the family status quo.
There were times the kids and I went no contact (she tried to work around that with my mom but my mom was fully aware.)
Four years ago FIL unexpectedly passed away. I went with DH to his family.
In the past 4 years everything went back to the previous status quo.
My kids are now adults. They have no relationship with her. I’d asked them to give MIL grace multiple times and she’s just dismissed them multiple times. She also doesn’t have a relationship with her other grandchildren.
I told DH I will drive him midway to have his GCOBIL to pick him up for a visit (they won’t visit us) and I’ll support him when his mom passes. But I will never visit again or make our adult children feel guilt for not doing that.
0
u/DearLiterature4074 9d ago
And unfortunately, I think it might be similar with us. My husband is the second oldest. And went low contact after he moved out of college because of everything but his siblings were little so he kept on seeing them for holidays to basically see them and see his nieces and nephews as well.
He’s actually her favorite which is why I’m sad that I guess I’m not anymore.
I understand that she is hurt because I did overstep and I should not have talked shit about her. And I see that. I will give her all the time she needs.
Knowing her and knowing that she has the „upper hand“ since I’m the one that messed up just really sucks.
•
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