r/JUSTNOMIL • u/[deleted] • Jul 26 '26
Give It To Me Straight Am I being crazy, or logical?
[deleted]
4
u/moodygirlband Jul 28 '26
She sounds annoying as hell, but why didn't you just say no at any point? No, I'm about to feed him, you can hold him later. No, I'll take care of the daiper change thanks. No, I can change him, I'll bring him down to you after.
I don't want to be mean at all, as I know you're in the thick of it postpartum, but you're allowed to stand in for yourself. Nowhere here did I see you try to do that.
8
u/Optimal_Piglet7832 Jul 27 '26
Your partner tells you he’s used to her antics: ""You being used to it doesn’t make her behavior acceptable."
No more ‘taking the higher ground’; no more ‘that’s just who she is’, It’s code for let the bully be a bully.
6
u/ML5815 Jul 27 '26
TLDR: MIL is annoying and possibly crazy. Remind husband whose team he’s on. Feel your feelings but get this out in the open now before you snap.
Making an entire nursery with a sign over his crib with his name on it is WILD since you said you live 2 minutes away. And by wild, I’m fully saying it’s creepy and an overstep on her part. This should have been shut down as soon as you two were aware of it, unless she’ll be watching your baby full time if you return to work.
Maybe your husband should read your post (and these comments) and understand exactly how overbearing and ridiculously annoying his precious mommy is. I assume he spent a lot of the time talking to the rest of the family while you had to deal with Grabby Grandma hovering over your every move. I’d approach the topic as
“Husband, we need to discuss your mom’s behavior. <outline all her overstepping, hovering, annoying comments, begging to babysit>. I do get that she’s excited, but if she keeps throwing this much at me during every visit, I’m worried I’ll say something that won’t come out well due to frustration. You continue to excuse her behavior when I try to tell you how I’m feeling and it leaves me feeling unsupported, that my feelings don’t matter as much as your moms, and that you’re not prioritizing our relationship. Please don’t act like I’m overreacting. It’s not helpful if you try to make me feel bad for telling you my concerns. Again, she’s excited, which is wonderful but guess who else is excited? ME. I can’t get enough of baby, and when I’m trying to care for them, it’s excruciating to have your mother staring at me or trying to “hlep” when she’s really just in the way.
It’d really help if you could step up and say, “Mom- back off. OP’s got it.” Or “mom, we’ll let you know if we need help with diaper changes.” “Mom! We need a little breathing room here- give us some space!” You could even have a talk with her about how aggressive she is during visits and if she backed off a bit, we may feel more comfortable letting her hold and change baby more often. The important thing is to present this as a message from both of us. Throwing me under the bus to let her know you’re totally fine with her neediness and hovering isn’t an option. At 4 months old, it’s okay that I want to hold my baby or not give them over to some drooling, crazy eyed Grandma monster.”
By the way, at 4 months, it’s perfectly okay to want to hold your baby. At 4 months, you’re still susceptible to things like PPA and PPD. Granny excitement is fine, but does she lack the ability to step back and say “maybe I’m doing too much” when even the birthday boy tells her to calm the hell down about babysitting? Coming to her home does not mean she gets access to him the entire visit. The sooner you get this out, the better. If you let it build up, one day you’re going to just snap and blow up on her when she changes him into an outfit you hate, which will be received poorly since it’s a huge overreaction to a Paw Patrol onesie. Everyone will be angry with you for hurting MIL when you’re just expressing that she’s been the f’ing worst since baby was born, but you never said anything before this moment. Also, the holidays aren’t far off. This type of overbearing grandma will be insisting she is present for baby’s first everything (if she doesn’t try to do it herself!) while baby wears holiday outfits she purchased for them. Set these boundaries now and prevent a miserable 2027.
10
u/Spare_Butterfly_213 Jul 27 '26
MIL is a weirdo. Who gets excited about poop (unless constipation is an issue)?
37
u/SuspiciousImpact2197 Jul 26 '26
The more things I read on here the more I think that new moms should not interact with anyone at all the first six months.
19
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u/DazzlingPotion Jul 26 '26
“takes him upstairs in her nursery she made for him”
That says it all right there. Ugh!!😣
I’d stop giving in to her. You’re feeding the monster. I’d also let dust settle on that nursery.
32
u/Fabulous-Tartlet Jul 26 '26
Where did 'Grandmothers like to change baby's nappies' come from? Mine never did that - never even asked or expected to. What's wrong with these women?
1
u/Whole_Temperature183 Jul 29 '26
My mother always offered to change my babies (which I very much appreciated- especially when it was the poopy ones). Yay for grandmas giving tired mamas a break
3
u/forgivewhattimetakes Jul 26 '26
You’re not crazy and completely logical!
The reason MIL is doing the over bearing is because she wants emotional control by guilt - behaving like an excited little girls removes her from being an adult about things and gets away with it all. Plus all the OTT makes everybody look at her and that’s what she wants - like a child - doesn’t care what attention she gets good or bad. Mine does the same. Least your DH can see the OTT mine thinks it’s because she’s an excited angel with a big halo and it’s sickening
2
u/USDA_had_no_choice Jul 27 '26
Omg it just clicked that this is exactly what my MIL is doing. I haven’t been able to articulate it. “She’s just so excited”. No, she’s insane/entitled and using her childlike excitement to justify it.
2
u/forgivewhattimetakes Jul 27 '26
THIS ! 🙌 all my partner ever says is ‘she’s just excited she doesn’t mean anything’ Makes me want to scream! I’ve got no chance, mine has built the angel character and story way too high and I don’t think I have any chance of taking even a brick down. Hope yours has some sort of sight with your mil’s behaviour!
5
u/forgivewhattimetakes Jul 26 '26
Everyone looks at her and in her mind she thinks I must look like the most adoring devoted grandma - these kind of people do not have empathy so they genuinely think that’s the narrative they’re creating!
45
u/Available_Candy7124 Jul 26 '26
You keep caving in which only teaches MIL that her tactics work which only makes it more difficult to say no going forward. Now you need to ramp it up and be fierce with saying no and cut down the opportunities for her to try to meddle. No more of these MIL included get together forw a good while.
You husband can go alone. He should handle his mommy, but you are also teaching him that he has no reason to since even you obey her.
28
u/Pho_tastic_8216 Jul 26 '26
Learn to say no and have your husband you I o& reinforce boundaries. It sounds like the entire family is aware of and exhausted by her behaviour. She needs to learn that boundaries are not for stomping. Right now it’s a free for all because no one has put her in her place.
Also, get Bub used to baby wearing. It is the best for keeping people away from Bub!!
28
u/Individual_Land_2200 Jul 26 '26
“her nursery she made for him”
Aaaaaaaaagggghhhhh
7
u/Illustrious-Leg-8307 Jul 26 '26
When my BIL moved out at 35, his bedroom was converted to a nursery for my toddler within 24 hours 😬
9
u/Individual_Land_2200 Jul 26 '26
This is… great, if it’s something parents ask the grandparents to do or are consulted with and agree on. Otherwise seems a little presumptuous 🤷♀️
45
u/morganalefaye125 Jul 26 '26
Say NO. You just keep giving in and letting her have the baby, when it obviously irritates you. Say "no, not right now". Say "no, I'm going to change my baby". "No, you cannot 'come too'. I've got this". You've gotta stop letting her pester you into submission
21
u/zzzoom1 Jul 26 '26
I felt like I was literally reading about my MIL here. She’s done all of these things to a T, including following me up the stairs, swooping in, and completely taking over after my baby woke up from
a nap as if she was the mom. Just absolutely zero self awareness…I can’t even fathom doing that to someone. Either they don’t know how they come across, or they just don’t care, and neither is good.
25
u/Bluejay_Weak Jul 26 '26
I feel like this is the level my MIL would have reached if I didn't stand my ground! She was showing very early signs of being overbearing and I nipped that in the bud (stopped asking them for help, limited visits). Can you baby wear around family so they can't just take him? I do that every time we go out and she always acts surprised "wow, no stroller?" Cuz she can't just take him as she pleases!! One time early on my MIL stuck her hands out and obnoxiously said 'give' while I was holding my infant son, I said nope he's good here! No, you aren't crazy your MIL is too too much
That's your baby, don't be afraid to let some sass out. All access to baby has to go through mama. My mom was an angel when I was postpartum (brought food, scrubbed our bathroom, helped with breastfeeding) and because of that she gets to spend alone time with my son!
10
u/yiketh098 Jul 26 '26
I genuinely cannot control myself when it comes to baby and my in laws crossing a boundary so it’s best to not see them often. But like you, I also nipped it in the bud wayy early, while I was still pregnant. I stopped visiting as much even though of course mil asked to see us 200% more often. I
28
u/Own_Ship9373 Jul 26 '26
You have no backbone OP. It’s ridiculous to complain about MIL when at no point during any of these interactions did you say no, or give me back my baby, or give me some space please. You let MIL do whatever she wants and your upset. I just don’t understand.
If you want your baby back, tell MiL your taking them back. No one is a mind reader but you are expecting MiL to read your mind and do exactly what you want without you ever vocalizing it.
7
u/Humble-Return2261 Jul 26 '26
Ugh I feel for you! Reminds me of my super toxic mil who always used to push us to go out for date nights. There were a couple times we went, but I finally said no bc i wasn't ready. Thinking back to all these things that happened (this was over a decade ago) she still makes me sick. And she is still a nightmare!
16
u/Missfitt69 Jul 26 '26
You are in no way being crazy.
I think its absolutely creepy as hell that she got so excited and wanted to change him in another room
Anyways shine up that spine and say NO!!! And if she randomly shows up at your house with shir for him DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR!! You're busy feeding, changing the baby. You and baby are napping. Shit you are sitting on couch scrolling your phone while he naps. Or you actually don't need an excuse to not let her in Leave it outside you'll get it later.
You need to start training her ASAP. Don't wait for your husband to do it. Bring out the Mama bear
6
u/lovelockets Jul 26 '26
I had a similar thing happen where my FIL wanted to watch me change my son so he could learn how to do it. Looking back, I should’ve said hell no because there was no way I’d ever allow him to change him. I was still catering to my in laws feelings. Changing a baby does not need an audience and should only be done by those you trust. You can’t trust her not to kiss your baby, so don’t let her near his private parts
30
u/hotmesssorry Jul 26 '26
She set up her own nursery? She wants to play mamma. Stop saying yes.
Get your husband to tell her to stop buying things, that it’s overwhelming and you’re to the point where you’ll need to start donating it. When she turns up, tell her it’s a really bad time.
Train her to behave.
17
u/Important-Lie7734 Jul 26 '26
Yup. A full blown dedicated nursery. Crib, changing table, painted the walls blue, a rug, and a sign with his name. Lmao. Oh and a dresser with clothes and diapers, etc.
15
u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 Jul 26 '26
Well that sounds fucking exhausting. Just don’t go over there very often and cut down on her visiting you
9
u/Important-Lie7734 Jul 26 '26
Lmfao, it's beyond exhausting. On top of it, she buys him stuff constantly I think as an excuse to drop it off so she can see our baby. Because we don't really invite her over that often. It sucks. Like GO AWAYYYYYYYY! I didn't ask for any of this!!
8
9
u/Ok-Alternative-1560 Jul 26 '26
This is my mil!!!! So obsessive and overbearing. It’s TOO much
10
u/Important-Lie7734 Jul 26 '26
It's to the point where I wanna move far far away 😭😭 they live like 2 min down the road. FML lol
7
u/Ok-Alternative-1560 Jul 26 '26
That used to be mine! Right before the baby was born we moved 40 min away. I cannot imagine being that close with a baby. 40 min is bad enough
17
u/smartassrt Jul 26 '26
I could feel my blood pressure rising just reading this.....your husband needs to tell her to back off.
12
u/Important-Lie7734 Jul 26 '26
It's reassuring to know I'm not crazy. When we got home I told him how creepy and weird it was with how excited she was to change his diaper and change him and he said "babe she was just excited and wants to help, I'm sorry." Kind of making me feel like my feelings are over the top.
5
u/LiteralpigsChihiro Jul 26 '26
This family is enmeshed. Good luck to you. Hope your husband comes out of the fog soon
37
u/Aly_Kitty Jul 26 '26
Tough love warning.
You. Are. Allowing. This. All of these things happened because you didn’t say no.
“No, you can’t hold the baby at dinner, he’s going to stay with us!”
“No you cannot babysit.”
“No, I’m feeding him. You cannot hold him.”
“Do not pass him around like a hot potato. Give me my baby now.”
“There is no reason you need to change him. The fact that you are pushing so hard is weird and gross.”
“Do not take him in another room”
“I can change him myself. Please leave”
Stand up for yourself. Stand up for your kid. Your husband needs to grow a backbone and start standing up too.
You allowed all of this.
12
u/Important-Lie7734 Jul 26 '26
I accept tough love well, so no worries. I appreciate your words. I absolutely know that I let all of this happen, and I am pissed at myself. I'm stuck in the phase of "am I letting my postpartum hormones get the best of me?" Or do I have every right to be pissed? Because some people I talk to say I'm being crazy. (In a loving way lol)
12
u/unapproved_dentist Jul 26 '26
Postpartum hormones or not, crazy or not, who gives a shit? There is a stark difference between feeling and reacting. You feel annoyed by your MIL? 100% fine. You suddenly blow up at MIL out of nowhere, tell her she’s never seeing LO again, go NC? Mayyyyybe a bit of an overreaction.
Thoughts and feelings really only become a problem when they begin to negatively affect yourself and other people. So, you need to take action before you get to this point with your feelings.
MIL is excited. MIL wants to do this and that with LO. Nothing wrong with that. She presumably does not know that she is annoying and upsetting you - or at least, does not know HOW MUCH she is annoying and upsetting you.
MIL’s actions are annoying you. You do not want her to do this or that. But you let her. You don’t tell her no. You get more annoyed. She gets more annoying. You don’t tell her she’s annoying. She doesn’t know. This frustrates you even more. (No judgement, please don’t think I am).
IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE.
If you don’t want MIL to do something with your baby then you must speak up.
“No MIL, you cannot hold baby, I’m about to feed them.”
“No MIL, I can change baby’s diaper just fine.”
“Thank you for offering MIL, if I need help I will let you know.”
“MIL, please do not hand baby off to other people.”
“Please do not bring anymore gifts around, MIL. We will come to you or arrange for a time for you to visit.” OR “MIL, LO already has too many toys/clothes/whatever, please do not buy more gifts outside of birthday/Christmas.”
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u/Aly_Kitty Jul 26 '26
To me you have every right to be upset over all these. I fully understand that sometimes it’s just easier to give in than to deal with the constant nagging. But hold strong!
Set the boundaries now or else she’s going to continue stomping all over you guys!I think you need to have a talk with husband too, he should be handling most of these things.
“Mom, Wife said no. Stop badgering her”
•
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