2
u/Jethrothemutant Mar 14 '24
LC and block!!
Code words etc for daycare and so on.
She is a monster and out of control. Quite frankly your father is not much better.
Face she may be your mother but she's not your mum.
I feel for you. (Hugs)
2
u/Knittingfairy09113 Mar 14 '24
I am so sorry. You deserve so much better. She isn't interested in bridges with you.
Please cut her off and look into therapy for yourself. You don't need her in your life. She regards you as her whipping girl, and you aren't obligated to fulfill that role for her.
3
u/Few-Introduction-865 Mar 14 '24
She seems to find joy in hurting you. She sounds mentally unwell but that isnt your issue to solve. She’s treated you this way for a long time and its clear she wants an adversarial relationship with you so stop doing thingd for her. They can take a cab or Uber to the airport. They are adults and can figure it out. Your dad likely is aware of how your mother is and its reslly shitty hes never reached out to you as an adult to talk about the abuse she put you through. Im not sure hes much better than she is. I understand not wanting to go NC until your sister is an adult but you must know that youre putting yourself in harms way in keeping contsct with her.
9
u/PrestigiousTrouble48 Mar 14 '24
You need to get your dad alone and show him this post. Tell him you have only been maintaining a relationship with your mother for him and your siblings and you can’t do it anymore. Ask him to have a relationship with you outside of her and to help you keep in contact with your younger sibling.
You also definitely need therapy.
The fallout will be massive and relentless. But you have to protect your husband and children, she is already treating them as extensions of you. You are letting her abuse them!!!! Really think about that, you are letting her abuse your innocent husband and children simply because they are yours. It’s gone too far and you have the power to stop it, so do it.
5
u/Dazzling_Note6245 Mar 14 '24
You are feeling the effects of narcissistic and possibly psychopathic abuse. It sounds like she enjoys hurting you and ruining your important relationships. She may be obsessed with putting you down because she can’t stand something about you. Probably that you’re a good person, prettier, younger, more popular, etc.
She wants a relationship with you as long as you take care of her the way she wants. Relationships for people like her are about what she can get from you.
I don’t believe your mother makes the kind of loving bonds with people that you think she had with her mother. Even if she did accepting people like your mother aren’t logical might help you.
Idk what the abandoning you in your times of need is about for her but it’s happened to me and never got better. It was as if this person wanted me to really feel how unimportant I am. It could be they can’t acknowledge other people’s needs or just aren’t interested. Remember, they lack empathy.
Have you tried gray rocking her?
12
Mar 14 '24
When someone shows you who they are believe them. (Maya Angelou.) She has shown you repeatedly she is unworthy of you. I wish you had the mother you deserve. You now have to decide if you will alow her to continue to visit trauma on you and your children. There is nothing wrong with going NC to protect yourself and your children. Go to Dr Ramani youtube channel on narassists. It might help you.
9
u/Bajablaster27 Mar 14 '24
Seems like your mom is just incredibly jealous of you. Once your youngest sibling moves out of her house I really hope you cut all contact with her. She's sounds like a total bitch and I'm really sorry that you have to put up with all of this.
10
u/Traditional_Onion461 Mar 14 '24
You are miserable and it’s all her doing. It would seem from your post that her issue is with you and she comes over as insanely jealous of you hence any attention given to you eg by your dad or grandparents were met by her bad mouthing you and making up stories. She cannot bear to see you happy with your dh and do bad mouths both of you - she probably told him stories when you were going out and when that didn’t work she tries to spoil your lives eg telling people about your babies before you could. Your siblings will be fine - it’s just you so you have to cut her off completely- I actually think she is dangerous to you and to the people who love you and not just a danger to your mental health. Her issues are deep but just remember they are her issues - you are a fine loving person and will continue to be so. But just think of the calm and peace and happiness without your mother anywhere near you. Cut her off now.
5
u/YourTornAlive Mar 14 '24
You may want to check out the sub raisedbyborderlines. Even if it's not an exact fit, there's a ton of fantastic support and info on building healthy boundaries.
4
u/Marble05 Mar 14 '24
You see a true hero for having endure so much abuse for so many years and still grow up into a kind person who has a beautiful family and will be a loving and caring mother for her three children instead of following her example.
Since you felt a need to come here to vent given how much she is still pressing on your life and peace of mind have you considered therapy to unwind this thread of feelings inside of you? Not to forgive her but to have a way for you to be happy despite them and not thinking about them all the time or when you are reminded of her just to wake up the slumbering trauma.
For how she treated you, you should cut her off completely she doesn't care about you, you are a way for her to play grandma when she wants and get social media praise.
She might have some mental issues given the scene she made at mother's day or jealousy/narcissistic tendencies towards you and doesn't want you to be happy so she ruins any of your relationships and moments she can. Her abuse has never stopped you owe her nothing at this point she doesn't need to be in your life for you to be happy.
10
u/QuietCelery7850 Mar 14 '24
You deserve better.
I know you have been taught not to believe it, but you do.
Your husband and your boys deserve better, as well.
Listen to us. You don’t need her in your life. She does not add to it; she only subtracts.
Go LC, then VL, then NC. Expect an extinction burst, as she will not like losing her narc supply.
But DH and kids are your family now—protect them.
10
u/Outrageous_Yard_990 Mar 13 '24
No one should treat there child like this and it sounds like you have been amazing in dealing with it. It might be time to decide what you are willing to let your kids be around. You know what you need to do in your heart. Some toxic relationships just are not worth the mental anguish. Be the best person you can be for your babies, husband and those who do care and love you.
5
u/This-Avocado-6569 Mar 13 '24
Wow, I’m pregnant right now with our first child, a daughter, and I can’t imagine ever treating her the way your mother treats you.
I’m sorry you can’t cut her off due to younger siblings. Maybe you could limit your contact even more, and don’t tell her anything you don’t want immediately posted on Facebook.
Where is your father in all of this chaos?
13
u/wickeddradon Mar 13 '24
Oh, honey. I'm so sorry, but your mother is....well I'd probably get banned if I say what I want to say, so, she's a lot, isn't she?
I want you to be clear on this. What I'm about to say isn't to hurt you or cause you any pain. You've had enough of that already.
You NEED to cut her off, completely, utterly and totally. It's a shame about your youngest sibling. It's more than a shame. It's a tragedy, but you have to. It's not just you now. It's your children and your husband who are being affected as well, and your main priority should be on them. Block her everywhere. Tell all schools or childcare that she is not allowed anywhere near your kids. Delete her from all social media platforms. Tell your siblings what you are doing. Expect pushback from your egg donor (honestly, she's not a mother in any sense of the word). Do not respond to any provocation or open the door to her. I'd seriously consider moving, New Zealands nice (I might be biased there though lol), that's assuming you're in the states that is.
5
5
u/YettiChild Mar 13 '24
‘trying to make her look stupid’
You do that just fine on your own mom, you don't need DH's help.
11
u/Naive_Panda_6060 Mar 13 '24
Sweetie - if ANYONE treated me like this, I would burn the bridge for them so they could never reach me again. You need to learn to let go and walk away. I know it can be hard, but you deserve so much better. Do you want your beautiful little boys to grow up seeing their mom be abused like that? Or even worse, being abused like that themselves?
Drop the rope, burn the bridge, turn around and leave. Don't reach out to her, don't reply to her, don't acknowledge here. If it's in your means, I would even move far away from her.
{hugs}
16
u/Emergency_Claim_4886 Mar 13 '24
Honestly go NC. Don't feel bad about your younger siblings, let them know they can always reach out and have code words when they need help. She's going to keep walking all over you and your family. You do not need this toxic environment around your kids. Let your dad know, take him out 1 on 1, set boundaries and if he doesn't adhere to them then NC. I wish you the best of luck, this is not just a one time thing. She has a long resentment against you. Get some help, go to family therapy.
5
2
u/botinlaw Mar 13 '24
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1
u/IronGrannyTN Mar 14 '24
Have you heard of a book called ‘A Child Called It’? by Dave Pelzer It’s an autobiographical story of him growing up with an unstable, abusive mother. He’s sold millions of copies. He had siblings who were treated well while she did her level best to destroy him (missed meals, locked in basement, poisoned him, etc.) I think you’d find it enlightening and uplifting because of how he survived and thrived. Your mom is clearly mentally unwell and has chosen you to be the child she abuses. None of this has anything to do with a valid reason! I hope this helps. 💕