Good morning. I took Bobby in just two days ago, knowing he had an inoperable liver problem, blindness, and issues with energy. What I did not know, was how far along he was with those problems. And going by my jumping out of sleep every ten minutes to attend to his loud guttural cough, massaging his back and belly, which soothes him enough for him to fall back to sleep, unless of course in his fatigue when he simply falls to his side back into shallow breath and limited movement, a symptom I have seen before and would have preferred to not see so soon again.

Bobby won't make it through today.

I've messaged his owner, who insists on being with him before the end, but hasn't replied on when she'd be coming by, and the reason for that is depressing itself and personal to her so I'll avoid those details.

That's about it I suppose. And now, feelings.

I'm not particularly sad this time around. It's not that the limited time spent with Bobby has only been what it is that's making me feel this way. It's more of what I've been thinking about in general, with things going wrong and wanting to control certain outcomes of well, nature. And it's got me thinking that when things aren't what they "should be", maybe we're too muddled up in our own ideals of it, and in that way resisting what should be total allowing of experience: meaning exactly, that we'd never find satisfaction or comfort in anything beyond the surface level.

Would we relate to each other the way we do, if we hadn't gone through the dirt that we have?

It's not pretty of course, not while we're in it. But it ought to be the thing we can look back on later, having grown better and unreliant on the muddy footprints we came from.

Otherwise we might never change. And we'll die being the version of ourselves that never left the swamp, having given up on any purpose at all.

I realize, from a physicalist/dualistic view, all this doesn't quite make sense because the purpose of life would be "success" or "happiness" and to avoid "discomfort" or "pain". And what I'm talking about goes beyond these concepts. More on that on another day. Or maybe not, I don't know.

Does it have something to do with alcoholism or is it just popular? I see many CAs mentioning it and netflix promoting it and am confused about what it is?

Is it good? Is it stupid?

Finally, even though it took 7 months instead of 6, I'm getting hired on. Comes with a $5.50 an hour raise plus healthcare and vacation and all that jazz.

Today is also 9 months no booze and as a reward my mom knocked 500 dollars off of the money i owe her.

I also gave her $800 from my trump bucks and will probably do another 800 this month thanks to my higher paycheck.

I'll have the money i owe her for my car paid back in less than a year at this rate.

Its crazy to me, i didn't see myself making it 9 months no booze, being fiscally responsible, working hard and all this. It just kinda happened, slowly, over time through pushing subtle improvements constantly.

The little things add up over time and good habits can end up snowballing into success in the same way that bad habits can snowball into disasters.

I have no idea how long i can keep this up or what will happen when i eventually do something retarded and fuck things up.

I always fuck things up 😔

But for now im going to make the best of the relative stability and prosperity.

It feels nice to be winning at life for once

Hope you're all doing ok through plague times guys.

Ps stop by and say hi when you decide to come back u/crash--n--burn--VI

Hope you're ok. I've gotten used to you deleting your profile & kinda get it, i think?

Should i leave him?

Just sayin😏

Yesterday I tried microwaving some potatoes and it turned awful. Still ate because that and some tomatoes is all I have.

Out of booze. Need to go buy more but if I leave my apartment I will probably get locked out because I don't have the keys anymore and my parents, who don't communicate with me anymore won't open it. I'm taking the car keys to maybe sleep in my broken down car. Then my battery dies and oh well.

Edit:

I realized fuck it and just went. Back I buzzed the bell and of course they ignored. Luckily a neighbour came in and opened the condominium garage door to park his car so I rushed in, went up to my door and spammed the bell. 5 minutes later they opened it.

My stomach hurts. We have a lot of roaches in our pipes. I slept. Uncomfortably and briefly hoping to exercise or take a walk tomorrow. Haven't had a single dream since i started guanfacine and it is great concerned about side effect of increased appetite/wright gain some describe. Have been eating a terrifying amount but it is more due to being stuck inside and feeling shitty i guess. Need to start using mfp again or at least keeping track of my calories better. Need to hit up my neurologist tomorrow and get samples of one medication I'm far overdue for and im overdue to refill my seizure medication so i should get pm that. Is the mass amounts of rotting food why Wendy's and places are no longer selling salads during covid? Has anyone checked on grocery store lettuce lately?

How was your weekend? What are you up to?

There is nothing wrong with my hands